***
Was he hallucinating?
Probably, because even at this moment when everything seemed frighteningly numb, he was all too aware that he'd been severely beaten, tortured, and electrocuted. He had every right to be hallucinating. When this was over, he was billing the bad guys for therapy.
So the voice he'd heard a second before, the one that suspiciously resembled Eyes Only's, couldn't have been Logan's. Because Logan, a former journalist and now one of the informants of Eyes Only was his long time friend and colleague. Logan wouldn't have lied. He couldn't be the voice of freedom he'd been religiously working for.
And why the hell not?
Damn.
***
"Matt! My god, what happened?"
If it'd been a usual day, he would've answered his worried wife and profoundly apologized for being late for dinner. It it'd been a usual day, he would've minded that he'd shown up with bruises and blood on his face in front of his children.
It hadn't been a usual day.
He went into his bedroom and closed the door.
He stayed there for a long time.
***
The next day, he ate breakfast alone because he overslept. Cassie and the kids were already gone to work or to the school, even though the work at the market place never paid much and the school taught them next to nothing.
He called in sick--which was not an excuse, because he *was* sick--for the first time in his detective career.
For the whole day, he sat by the window and either observed the people passing on the streets listlessly or watched the small TV in the living room. Around 5 pm, Eyes Only broadcasted his streaming freedom news, telling the world that now yet another bad guys met their demise--the particular bad guys who had kidnapped Matt and Logan yesterday. He thought it was his imagination that the eyes on the screen looked a little swollen, like they'd been bruised recently and covered with makeup.
It wasn't his imagination.
***
At dinner, he ate with his family as usual. He listened to Jeff, a first-grader, talking about the bullies at the school and Laurie, too young to be at school, trying to explain the picture she'd drawn while her mother had been selling canned food. They'd already forgotten how much they had been worried when their father hadn't shown up at dinner yesterday.
But Cassie and Helen, his younger sister, had not.
He didn't meet their worried glances.
He couldn't tell them that yesterday he had been very close to never coming back home for dinner.
***
Next day, his sister, who worked as a filing clerk at the sector police station, rode with him to work. Helen told him a dozen girls who could've been shipped to other forsaken countries as slaves had been rescued by the efforts of Eyes Only. He wondered if she knew. Because of her position at the station, he'd had to go to her for help under the guise of case investigations in the past. Her sister was smart, so by now she'd have put two and two together.
He expected her to demand answers to why he'd been foolish enough to risk his life.
He expected her to be disappointed for not telling her the truth.
It hurt him that he didn't have any answers to give her.
***
No one else at the station asked him what happened, although he was pretty certain everyone noticed the bruises on his face. Most of them simply didn't care, not about him or even the civilians they were supposed to protect. The rest were too scared to care.
He easily took over the Bronck case --nobody wanted to clean up the messy leftovers-- and erased any record that might cause suspicions or indicate the involvement of Logan and Max. That had been so close; Logan could've been captured and killed. He should be careful selecting his source the next time.
Would there be any next time?
He used to believe what he'd been doing was making some difference.
He wasn't sure anymore.
***
The day passed without any serious case. Logan had called a meeting at the pub around 6, so he had to call Cassie and told her he'd be a little late for dinner. They'd wait for him, she said.
He wasn't sure what to say to Logan.
When he was about to leave, his sister appeared beside his desk with a smile. "Let's go home."
He shook his head. "I have somewhere to go first. You go ahead. I'll see you at home."
Chewing her lower lip, she nodded. Before she walked out of the office, though, she gave him a quiet hug.
"We love you," her calm voice soothed him, "Just remember that."
Her warm embrace, just like the laughter of his children and his wife's beautiful smile, subtly yet so strongly reminded him why he'd chosen to take the risks.
He had his answers now.
He knew what to tell Logan.
***
Logan was sitting behind their usual table with the girl, Max. As soon as he came into the pub, she stood up quickly and left the room after giving Logan a reassuring smile and him an acknowledging nod.
"Hey Matt," Logan's usual greeting was filled with carefully hidden anxiety.
"Logan." He nodded at his friend and sat across him.
After a second of hesitation, Logan asked, "How are you?"
Matt thought about it, and answered truthfully, "Better."
"Good."
The silence descended upon them. Logan, who was always articulate, seemed to have nothing much to say. Matt himself wasn't sure how to start the conversation.
Finally, Logan started out uneasily, "I want to apologize for what you had to go through."
He couldn't hide the rueful smile on his face. "You don't have to. It wasn't your fault."
"Still, that sort of risk wasn't what you've signed up for." The faint guilty look on his face was unmistakable. "I know what you must be feeling. I understand you have to think of your family. The boss--" Logan paused very briefly and met his eyes, "--would understand if you want to discontinue the...relationship."
Matt stared at his friend's familiar blue eyes behind the glasses. How could he have not noticed them before? He lightly shook his head. "Can you tell me exactly what I've signed up for?"
Logan blinked. "What?"
"What did I signed up for, exactly, when I told you I'd help?"
The expression on Logan's face was the one of perplexity. "I..."
"There isn't a contract, Logan. I said I'd help because I wanted to give my children a better future, that by doing something, I was keeping my family safe. That belief hasn't changed."
A look of surprise passed through Logan's face. "Are you certain?"
"Yes."
It was clear Logan couldn't understand. "And what happened the last day..."
"..has not affected what I think of you, if that's what you were wondering."
This time, Logan looked stunned, almost bewildered.
He hadn't wanted to let his family know, because he hadn't wanted them to get hurt. His friend hadn't wanted to let him know, because he hadn't wanted him to get hurt. As simple as that.
And the fact Logan's effort hadn't been able to protect him didn't mean that he shouldn't appreciate the effort any less.
Logan met his eyes with the ones containing deep surprise and appreciation. "Matt..."
"Logan, I understand."
Logan nodded, his eyes glinting with gratitude. "I really...appreciate that."
Matt grinned slightly. "I'll call when the next case comes in."
When he was about to stand up, Logan called out quietly, "Eyes Only wanted me to thank you."
"For what?"
"For everything." After a short pause, he softly added with a thoughtful look, "For your friendship."
"...Then tell him that I also thank him for letting me help."
"I get the feeling he already knows." Logan smiled.
Matt realized he was smiling too. Giving Logan a nod as a promise of abiding friendship, he turned around and walked out of the pub.
His family was waiting for him.
END
***
1/10/01
