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Timeline: Post ""Female Trouble""

Locked in a moment

There I was, with my gun, a round chambered, ready to end it, here I am again, the gun is in my hand, what do I do know? I��m useless, a goddamn cripple, I��m back in this fucking chair with no way out of it, I��m just going to either end it now, or live with it. Question is, can I live with being here, I��m no good to Max if I��m stuck like this, all I do is bog her down with me being like this. What happens if I end it now? Max must have known somehow that I was contemplating suicide, she saw me, she hugged me fiercely, glad that I was alright. That��s the problem isn��t it? Max would be devastated that you did this, she would lose any chance at finding her brothers and sisters, you leaving her all you��ve got would mean dick, because she wouldn��t be able to live with herself. When I first stood up, she was amazed, I knew the time was right, I was ready to bend my head down to kiss her, then the legs gave out. I remember when I pulled her close to me on that beach when I first started walking, I was ready to move along, I was back on my own two feet, I was about to kiss her, than that damnable police drone floated in. If my legs had not given out me at the apartment after Max and Zack rescued Tinga, I would have found some excuse to get close, and touch her. I gave up when my legs quit, I knew then that me in a chair, her a genetically enhanced female, it would never work, it would be a world apart, it wouldn��t work. If only my damn body would realize that Max had healed me, her stem cells were not a disease, they were my goddamn salvation. Here I am again, with the gun, the round chambered, my finger on the trigger, so what��s stopping me? It��s Max, you both know that nothing can happen while you��re in this hunk of metal, but that doesn��t mean you haven��t fallen for each other, but that chair is hunk of brick between you and Max. I can end it all right now, all the pain of being stuck in this chair, watching the government turn it��s back on the people, with a flick of my finger. If I do it, the pain that people suffer will be increased tenfold, no Eyes Only to protect them from injustices, I can��t do that. I want to stop being useless, there��s two ways out, I find someone else who can heal me, or I blow my brains out. The first choice would be ideal, but those people are hard to find, the second choice, god knows what awaits me. It all boils down to this, can I do it? Logan thought as he sat there with his gun, a Vector CP1, a 9-mm pistol, a round ready in the chamber.

""Drop the gun, now."" It was Max, she had crept in, wanting to see if he was still on the verge of suicide, upset to find that he was quite close to it.

""I didn��t hear you come in."" Logan said weakly.

""I let myself in, and walked quietly, drop the damn gun now."" Max said, her voice taking on a tone of authority.

""Suppose I don��t, what will you do?"" Logan fired back.

""I��ll take it from you and bash you on the head with it, drop it now or I make you."" Max said.

""Do you think you��re fast enough, that you can grab this gun before my finger pulls the trigger?"" Logan said.

""We��ll see, just drop it, and tell me why you��re even thinking about it."" Max said, taking a step closer.

""I��m not going to stay in this fucking chair for the rest of my damn life, my only hope to start walking is dead, I��ve got nothing left to live for besides Eyes Only, why bother living?"" Logan said.

""There are people that care about you Logan, did you think about that?"" Max snapped at him.

""My family couldn��t care less about me, they see my as a failure, and you Max, I��m no use to you, the only thing that Eyes Only does is get you into trouble."" Logan said bitterly.

""You know that��s not true, I care about you Logan, I can��t let you do this to yourself."" Max replied.

""Don��t patronize me, you talking me out of this and fucking me won��t change a damn thing, I��ll still be a cripple that��s useless when I wake up."" Logan snapped at her.

""So that��s it, the protector of the downtrodden blows his fucking brains out because his legs aren��t working, what message will that send out, cripple good men and evil triumphs with ease? You still worked as Eyes Only even after you were shot, why is it different now?"" Max said.

""I��ve been robbed of it, I can��t get my hopes up again just to lose control as I was just about to get back on my feet, I won��t let that happen."" Logan said as he fingered his gun.

""I told you to drop the gun."" Max said.

""Make me, or maybe the gun may just go off while we��re fighting for it, and it��s done anyways."" Logan replied.

""Why are you doing this, what is shooting yourself going to accomplish?"" Max asked.

""That��s none of your business, just leave me alone, I think that best thing to do after you hear the shot is to go home and blank your memory regarding me."" Logan said as he brought the gun up to his temple.

""That��s not happening, neither is your shooting yourself."" Max said, she took a step closer, hoping she was distracting him a few more steps, I can grab the gun easily.

""I think it is, now if you will leave me alone I would like to finish what I started."" Logan said.

""We can talk about this Logan, just put the gun down and we can talk about this."" Max said two more steps.

""That��s easy for you to say, the bionic wonderwoman, you��ll never be stuck like I am, you don��t know what I��m feeling, just screw off."" Logan spat out.

""Logan, drop the gun now, or I promise you that I will turn the Eyes Only information network over to the highest bidder."" Max said, hoping that a threat like that would jar him back into reality.

""You wouldn��t dare."" Logan said as their eyes met.

""I��ll need to raise funds to find someone else to find my brothers and sisters, I was a thief financing the search before you came along, it wouldn��t be hard to go back to that way."" Max replied.

""Since I��m not going to be able to stop you from doing that, we will talk about this, but just remember, you still can��t stop me from ending it all once you leave me alone."" Logan said, he dangled the gun on his finger next to the table.

""Just drop it, then we can talk about this, just drop the damn gun or I will make you."" Max said, staring at him.

""Whatever you say."" Logan said as he dropped the gun, he had noticed Max had gotten closer, she would have grabbed the gun before he could have fought back, he knew it was the only way. The drop did not go as planned, the gun hit the table, but it jarred, the chamber round fired off, it hit him. The bullet tore into his chest, drilling into him, he screamed, then fell back on his chair, the pain was excruciating, he tasted blood in his mouth. Max was by his side in an instant, she patted his head whilst looking at the wound.

""Shit, where��s the damn phone, you need to get to a hospital."" Max said as she looked at the wound.

""Maybe I should just die now."" Logan said.

""Don��t even think about it, I will drop a load of whoop-ass on you right now if you even think about giving in right now, you��ll still be alive afterwards, just hurting a lot more than you already do."" Max said as she tore a piece of his shirt off and pressed it against the wound.

""The phone is over there."" Logan said pointing at the desk.

""Thank you."" Max said as she grabbed it and dialled the number, she talked quickly, explaining the accident, and told them to send an ambulance right away.

""They��re on their way, just hold on."" Max said as she continued to press the ripped piece of fabric against the wound.

""Why do you care so much if I get killed, all I am is a damn meal ticket to you."" Logan said as he lay there bleeding.

""You��re more than that, you��re my only link to the past, I need you to find my family."" Max said as she sat next to him.

""So that��s it, you drop by for a meal and family reunion?"" Logan asked.

""It��s more than that, you��re my friend, I care about you, that��s why I��m not letting you die like this."" Max replied.

""It��s my choice whether I live or die, not yours."" Logan responded.

""So you would willingly kill yourself in front of me, a woman that cares enough about you, goddamn it Logan, don��t do this."" Max said as she pressed against the wound.

""Stop giving me that I care about you bullshit, I��m not buying this act, you��re just making sure you don��t lose your meal ticket or family reunion coordinator."" Logan said, he strained as a new wave of pain came on.

""I��m not feeding you bullshit Logan, that��s what I feel, why won��t you just realise there are people that would care if you died?"" Max said as she sat next to him.

""You��ll get over it, use that memory blanking thing if you have too, just walk away right now."" Logan said.

""I��m not walking away, because the minute you do you��re going to get that gun and shoot yourself in the head."" Max replied.

""Then hand me the gun and watch, I don��t care, just let me die."" Logan said.

""I��m not letting you die, get that into your head, I will not watch you die because you can��t run the 400 meter hurdles."" Max said with venom in her eyes.

""Why do you care so much, what do I have to do, drop all my money on you and my home, I��ll do it, just let it go."" Logan said as he grimaced with pain, he could feel the bullet stuck in him, cutting him up.

""I care because I love you Logan, can��t you pick up on that?"" Max said holy shit, did I just say that?

""So now you��re telling me you love me too, just stop kidding yourself, nothing is going to stop me from suicide."" Logan said as he pushed her away.

""We��ll see about that, what do I have to do prove to you that I love you?"" Max asked.

""You can let me die."" Logan replied.

""So you would let a woman that loves you watch you die because you can��t get any movement below the midsection?"" Max asked.

""For the last fucking time, yes! I want it all to be over, just leave me alone, wipe your memory, and leave Seattle before you get caught."" Logan replied, pushing her away from him again.

""I��m not leaving you because I want to be with you fucking idiot, how hardheaded are you?"" Max snapped at him.

""Just let me die now."" Logan said.

""If you��re going to act like this, maybe I should just put you under until it��s over."" Max said as she smacked him across the head, knocking him out.

""Sweet dreams, think about what I said."" Max mumbled as the paramedics burst through the door with a gurney.

Max rode in the ambulance with Logan to the hospital, the doctor told her that the wound was bad, but Logan was recovering steadily, an artery had been pierced, but a good amount of blood was transfused to balance it out.

It was a couple of days later that Logan came about.

""I was wondering if you were just pretending to be out of it while I was waiting, how do you feel?"" Max asked.

""Like I��ve been shot."" Logan replied mockingly.

""Don��t start that again, either you drop your suicidal shit or I beat it out of you."" Max replied as she stood over him.

""You would beat the shit out of someone you love, or was that a desperate attempt to make me want to live again?"" Logan spat out.

""I do love you, but I��ll still beat the sense into you for you want to live if you don��t start listening to me."" Max said as she sat down next to him.

""Why bother, the minute you leave I��ll just yank my IV lines or something, or mix something into them."" Logan replied.

""Let��s start there, you can��t walk, there are people that can help you, or is finding a doctor above the resources of Eyes Only?"" Max asked.

""It took a considerable amount of resources to find the doctor that Lydecker shot, I��ll never find another one, I can��t bog you down with me being crippled, go find someone else."" Logan said as he lay there.

""I don��t want someone else, I want you, I don��t care if you��re in that chair, just be with me, continue Eyes Only, be the man you��ve always been since I met you."" Max said as she brushed her hand across his face.

""I can��t be that man, I tasted what it was like being normal again, I can��t just go back, not again, what the hell am I supposed to do?"" Logan said.

""You can start living a real life, with people other than your shadowy contacts and personal therapist, you can let someone love you."" Max said.

""Why do I even bother to try and explain this to you, you don��t need me, you need someone better."" Logan said crossing his arms.

""There is no one I have ever met that was a better man than you, I love you Logan, nothing is changing that, the question is, what do you feel about me?"" Max said as she gently kissed his forehead.

""I don��t know if I love you Max, all I feel is being turned on when you��re around, but there aren��t many men who are not, I just don��t know."" Logan responded.

""Then tell me this Logan, if you can say that you can��t see us together for the rest of our lives, growing old together, starting a family, constantly thinking about me in general, then I will leave you alone."" Max said, staring into his eyes.

""You��re telling me that all I have to do is tell you that if a mental image crosses my mind, that is all it takes?"" Logan asked suspiciously.

""That��s all, just look into my eyes, and tell me."" Max said.

God she��s beautiful, I can see the images, but they��re just images, I��m still a damn cripple stuck in a damn chair, but I want to be with her love her, live with her. The question is, if she doesn��t mind the chair, then why the hell should you let it get in the way? Because if she ever has to run, it will break her heart, I won��t be able to come with her, she��ll stay behind, and get caught, it will be my fault when that happens. She came back when it was almost certain she would be captured for you, she��s stayed here because of you, why turn her down? You want this as much as she does, the chair may be in the way, but why should that hold you back? If you want to be with her and do love her, you��ll do it now, tell her you love her, you��ll be together, and maybe this can be the reason you can sustain your life. That��s it, time to tell her. Logan thought as he pondered what was happening.

""Max, I love you, I want to be with you, you just have to answer one question."" Logan said.

""What��s that?"" Max asked.

""That me being in a wheelchair will not get in the way of us being together, ever."" Logan replied.

""You have my word on that, from now on we are together Logan, nothing changes that, I don��t care if you��re in a wheelchair for the rest of your life. I love you, nothing can change that."" Max said as she kissed him.

""Just remember this, we are not letting go."" Logan said as he caught her hand in his and held it firm.

*******

Suddenly Logan snaps out of what was the most powerful dream he ever had, he was still there, in his wheelchair, holding his gun, but he heard a voice.

""Put the gun down Logan."" It was Max, she was standing there, looking at him with pure fury in her eyes.

He obediently did so, except this time he ejected the chamber round and clip, tossed it into the drawer he had drawn in from, and shut it.

""That was obedient of you, I had no idea I had that much of an effect on you."" Max said.

""I didn��t want to blast myself again, I��ve had this conversation already, I��ve seen what happens as a result, I don��t want to have to do this again."" Logan replied.

""What are you talking about?"" Max asked.

""A tale of pain and romance, that��s what it is, I��ve seen what can happen as a result, I don��t want that to happen after we nearly split up, let me tell you about it."" Logan said as he turned away from the desk and started wheeling towards his living room, Max following curiously.

""I know that you will find it silly that I bought into what I��m about to tell you, but I think it��s somewhat close to the truth."" Logan said as he pulled himself onto the couch, and Max sat down across from him.

He explained the story to Max, she was surprised that how close the dream version of her had reacted to what Logan was doing. He omitted the parts about love at first, he saved them to tell her at the end why he had put the gun away.

""So you��re telling me that a dream of me telling you that I loved you was what made you quit with the suicide business?"" Max asked suspiciously.

""That is what I am telling you, it also told me another thing."" Logan replied.

""What��s that, that in a dream I gave you a good lay?"" Max said.

""No, that I love you Max, I can��t wait to get out of that hunk of metal until it��s too late, I want to be with you, that��s what."" Logan said as he pushed himself over the couch, brought her head up, and kissed her.

""That��s it, a dream made you realise you love me, and you think that I am too?"" Max asked, ready to push him away.

""That is the truth, I love you Max, nothing can or will change what I feel for you, tell me, do you share the same feelings for me?"" Logan asked.

""I was wondering if we would ever go anywhere, I knew that once you got out of that chair you would pursue it. I��ve felt a certain way about you for a long time Logan, I never knew what it was, we never learned that sort of thing at Manticore. I would have done anything to stop you from killing yourself, I couldn��t let it happen, I guess what I��m trying to say is the feeling is mutual Logan."" Max said as she pulled him onto her and kissed him fiercely.

""There is only one question though Max."" Logan said as he ran his hands along her curvy body.

""What is it?"" Max asked.

""Is this a dream as well?"" Logan said.

""It has to be, but let��s make something of it this time around when we wake up."" Max said.

********

He was there again, in his chair, with the gun, Max was not there this time, Logan was still locked in the moment. Don��t, if that dream is true, or the other one was true, you��ll ruin two lives, Max doesn��t deserve that kind of hurt, even if she is just a friend. Logan thought as he carefully ejected the chambered round, removed the clip, put the bullets back in the ammo box, and threw both the gun and ammo into a nearby trash bin.

""I won��t let this happen again, it��s for real this time, I can��t torture myself with wondering what is between Max and I, I have to know now."" Logan said to himself.

""Know what?"" Max asked as she came in.

""Don��t you ever knock?"" Logan asked.

""No"" was Max��s simple response.

""I��m about to explain something to you, I want you to be receptive, and just maybe third time��s the charm."" Logan said as he wheeled towards his living room, Max following him.

""What��s going on?"" Max asked as Logan switched on some soft classical music.

""It��s called a strange string of events leading up to this moment, I will explain how two dreams will change a lot."" Logan said as he pulled himself onto the couch, Max sat next to him, intent on what he was about to say.

""This had better be good Logan."" Max said crossing her arms.

""It is, just relax, and let me start."" Logan said as he began to recount the tale once again.

Later on, Logan awoke, he was in bed, but Max was cradled in his arms, he pinched himself, he slapped himself, he could feel Max��s true presence now. He had told her what had happened, she had listened, he had admitted that he loved her, she was in disbelief at first, he ended up using her own dream version��s technique on her, he asked her to look into his eyes, and tell him what she felt about him. The method had worked, she had confessed, her cradled her in his arms, stroking her dark hair, and kissed her lightly at first, the two made love in Logan��s bed after fumbling to get to his bedroom. She woke up, they looked into each other��s eyes, and were there, locked in the moment, nothing would make them let go ever again.

To think I almost lost all of this because of my wounded pride, I almost lost Max, my suicide would have destroyed her emotionally, god knows what��s in store now, only time will tell I guess. Logan thought as he caressed Max��s warm and smooth skin, not letting go, she stroked his spiked hair and kissed him softly on his lips, and held onto him as well where they lay, they were locked in a moment of love, Logan had been locked in moments of frustration, fear and anger before, but this was a moment he actually wanted to be in.

""If you ever even think about suicide again I��ll kick your ass."" Max whispered into his ear.

Yes, I know my work tosses people together through wounded pride and hidden feelings, but that��s the way I work, something to toss to you shippers out there, I hope you will like it! By the way, I know the whole dream thing is a bit tedious, but I thought it worked out well in my mind.