| I flipped out again and intended to kill myself where we use to meet all the time. I called my husband and begged him to forgive me for all I did that in itself was another story. My husband called the police and they came and got me. I was put in a holding cell with a blanket and laid on the floor. I was handled like a leper and it was horrible. Again to another hospital. I didn't stay long and got out. For a couple of weeks Jack would not take my phone calls the anger finally came. When he did talk to me and see me I was different. It finally sunk in EVERYTHING.
The hardest point was knowing that chances are I will not see my son graduate high school or my daughter college. I would not see my grandchildren when they came grow up. Why -- because I wanted to be wanted. I saw Jack a couple of times after that and the last time I saw him he Dommed me. But you see by then I had gotten away enough to see things as they really were. I also met Karen, my Mistress and lover. Yes before she even touched me I told her I had HIV. Yes she is negative. That is also another story. Master did not give up easily and it was hard for awhile but the final straw was when he told me that he was told I might of gotten HIV elsewhere. Knowing what we did and knowing that I was safe before him finally broke the connection. I finally asked to be released as all through this I was still collared. Jack died in December. I found out the same day as I was riding in the car to my HIV doctor. Yes I cried and yes I still cried. I believe that he did love me... You see I have to otherwise I couldn't live with the fact that I am going to die all for NOTHING. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- This is my story up to last year I know it is long but it is the truth and believe me I could write a book on the things that I left out. My life has changed a lot since the last time I met with Master. What does this all mean... to me it means let this be a warning. It is to late for me but to all that are just starting or are considering giving up maybe your life for a Master or Visa-versa. It is not necessary to do so to prove you are a wanted and loved person. If I could go back to the first time I signed on I would. I have lost the respect of my family although they still love me. I have lost friends because they are afraid of me being around them and their children. I have stopped volunteering at the schools because I am afraid of what the parents would do if they knew I had HIV and was working along side of their children. I have to tell doctors. People I meet in the S&M scene I have to tell I have HIV so they can make a decision as to whether or not they want to be collared by me. I do not want anyone to feel the way I did by having this Master not be honest with me. Of course when playing in S&M I am totally safe and have found out that S&M does not mean unsafe play. A simple hug is not so simple anymore. I find myself analyzing did the person who just hugged me hug me if they knew I had HIV even though I know they can't get it. I find myself thinking if this person that has hugged me knew I had HIV would they even hug me. Although Master lays in his grave he has done the ultimate Dom. He has me for the rest of my life. He is a reminder everyday living this. Should anyone have so much power over anyone? Everyday of my life he is a constant reminder by living with this. Karen has been through hell with me with this disease. Let me tell you HIV sucks. Is it worth it?? You decide!! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Continue |