I do not own "Dawson’s Creek" or any of its characters.

He had gone. And it was her fault again. Joey stood in the center of the now empty dance floor. She hadn’t moved from the spot where he offered her a silent goodbye.

A single tear rolled down her cheek. He was right again. She was scared. She had told Eddie that she had moved on and that was the truth. Why couldn’t she admit that to Pacey? To the only person that mattered to her? Why had she said the words she knew would hurt him? Why wanted she to push him away?

Joey stared at the bouquet on her wrist.

Because she was deadly afraid that she wouldn’t survive if she was to lose him once again. This evening she had lost him.

Joey straightened. She made her decision. She wanted to survive and now she had to get her very own survival kit.

~*~

Pacey threw his jacket carelessly at his bed. The rose bud fell off and down to the floor. He closed his eyes and sighed.

He let himself fall on the bed and reached for the delicate flower. He leaned back, not caring that he was wrinkling his suit. He twirled the bud in his hand and stared at it. Red, dark red. A red rose was a symbol, wasn’t it? A symbol for love, right? Why had she given him a rose when she was not feeling it?

She lied. She felt it, just like he felt it. He knew it. She was scared, she had always been scared and he knew it. Nevertheless he had to leave her after they shared that dance at last. Just like he said years ago, he couldn’t always be the one to give her the answers she needed.

Those words. Eddie. It hurt like hell, like she twisted a knife in his heart. Only a few days ago he told her that he didn’t want to hear about them, the others... those men she had spent her time with. He couldn’t bear thinking of her with ... anyone else.

Pacey sat up and placed the bud on his nightstand. He had to do something to get his mind away from the images that flashed repeatedly before his eyes. He didn’t want to imagine Joey going to Eddie. He felt like he was dying all over again.

~*~

There she was once again. Standing in front of Pacey’s apartment door. She started to hate this door. Again she had been staring at it for what felt like forever. She could swear she knew every little scratch on it, every line of its grain.

And if she was to stare any longer at it she wouldn’t be surprised to see it laughing at her. She hated the door because sooner or later she would have to knock on it. She knew it and the door knew it, too. Only her hand refused to cooperate. It should be easy. Reach out, crook the fingers, move them against the door, repeat that movement. Easy. At least in theory.

Why couldn’t he just have a doorbell? Maybe a single finger could be easier convinced to make her presence known. Or even better... why couldn’t he just open the door like he did the last time?

She knew why. It would be too easy. And she had ruined the easy way.

Joey stepped closer to the door and closed her eyes. Now or never. To be or not to be. Survival.

~*~

Pacey stripped down to his boxers and wifebeater. He needed to relax and water was always a good option. He left his bedroom and was on the way to the bathroom as he heard a knock on the front door.

"Why? Who the hell is that now?" Pacey muttered. He was in absolutely no mood to see or talk to anyone.

He considered not answering the door and glanced at it and then back towards the bathroom. Pacey rubbed his eyes and finally walked over and opened the door.

Ready to throw an annoyed remark at whoever it was on the other side he opened his mouth and looked up. He was by no means prepared for his visitor.

His heart started beating wild and high in his chest. "Jo?" After the first confusion settled down his brain kicked in again.

"What are you doing here?" His eyes widened in surprise and maybe also a little in anger. Why the hell was she here? Now, after ...

Joey licked her lips. Now that she was there and he was there and the door was open, she just couldn’t find the words to start. So she simply stared at him. Her eyes widened as the realization of his sparse outfit washed over her.

Pacey breathed heavily. Why was she here? He couldn’t deny that his heart jumped a little when he realized it was her standing in front of him. But after this night, could he really allow himself to feel that glint of hope?

He waited. She waited. They stared at each other.

"Umm... May I come in?" Joey finally asked shifting from one foot to the other.

Pacey looked in her eyes. He doubted he could ever do that again, but he could. Did this question mean more than the obvious? Was she only asking to enter the apartment or was she also asking to come back to him? Was he reading to much into a single question?

He sighed. Was he ready to let her come in?

"Pace?" Joey nervously wrung her hands together. Why didn’t he say something? Did she hurt him too much this time? Did she hurt him one time to many?

"Huh? Oh... yeah... come in." Pacey opened the door a little more and let her enter the apartment. He took his time to close the door behind her before he hesitantly turned around.

"So..." He observed her. She was nervous. All the signs were there, like biting her lip, wringing her hands as she shifted her weight from one side to the other.

"Was there a reason for coming over... except standing in the middle of the living room and staring at me?" Pacey asked after another minute of silence had passed by. He leaned back to the kitchen counter and crossed his arms in front of his chest.

Joey licked her lips again. She felt so stupid. Why couldn’t she just start talking already. She sighed, looked down and up again. He watched her, waited for something and he looked so sad and exhausted. She had done that to him. Tears threatened to fall again and she had to squint her eyes to prevent them from doing so. She cleared her throat.

"Yes, there was... there is a reason." Joey paused. He listened, still waiting. This time he wouldn’t make it easy for her. She knew it.

"And are you telling me the reason?" Pacey knew that she was stalling. He pushed himself away from the counter and made a few steps towards her.

"I ... that’s why I’m here, right?" Joey swallowed hard and had to close her eyes briefly. She loved seeing him wear only boxers and his trademark wifebeater. It had been so long and now he was so close.

Pacey shrugged. "I don’t know why you are here. You tell me." Pacey watched her expectantly and crossed his arms once again. He didn’t know why he did it, maybe it was a small attempt to guard himself and his heart.

Joey looked up to his eyes. He was only an arms-length away from her but seemed so defensive. She couldn’t blame him, could she?

"We need to talk." Joey managed to mumble and tugged a strand of hair behind her ear.

"Haven’t we talked enough for today? I think we have." Pacey stated dryly.

"Please... I have to explain, I have to tell you something." Joey pleaded with her eyes.

He was never able to withstand her eyes. Hell, he wasn’t able to withstand her at all. But he didn’t want to give in so early. Her words hurt a lot. He knew that she was on the verge of crying, she probably had already. Somehow he was relieved to see that she was hurting as well.

"Then make it quick. It’s late and my day wasn’t exactly a walk in the park." Maybe he sounded a little harsh but he couldn’t help it. You get what you give, right?

"I just don’t ... I don’t know how ... to start." Joey raised her hands exasperatedly. He was not helping and she deserved it.

Pacey waited again, but she didn’t continue. She just looked at him helplessly.

"Well, you wanted to talk. You came here. So if you don’t have anything to say, maybe you should leave now." His patience for the day was drained. He couldn’t play this game anymore. His heart ached and he felt as tired as if he hadn’t slept in weeks.

"I don’t want to leave." Joey whispered pressing her lips together.

Pacey took a deep breath. I don’t want to leave. She was killing him. Again he waited, watched as her shoulders slumped in defeat.

"I’m going to take a shower. Take that time and think about why you’re here and what it is you want to tell me."

He could do that. He could give her this time. It wasn’t much. If she wasn’t talking after that, then he would ask her to leave. Pacey nodded and walked over to the bathroom, but didn’t look back at her. He couldn’t give her the answers she was seeking. He just couldn’t do that anymore.

Joey stared after his retreating form. Her mouth slightly opened but no words left it. For the second time this night she stood in the middle of a room ... alone.

A few moments later she heard the shower being turned on. In her mind she could see him under the soft spray. Not that she ever had. Even when they were together they hadn’t taken a shower together and she had never peeked when he was in the bathroom. Suddenly she wondered why.

~*~

Pacey turned the water on and busied himself with mixing it to gain the perfect temperature. He let it run over his tired body. He was sure he had aged considerably during the last few hours.

As happy as he was that Joey came to him after ... after what she said earlier in the evening, he was equally scared of what she would tell him once he left his current sanctuary. Or maybe she would have left before he returned to the living room.

Pacey propped his hands against the tiles and bent forward to stick his head under the spray. Why was his life, their life so complicated?

Joey opened the bathroom door, careful not to produce any noise. The small room was damp and the glass of the shower door got steamed as well.

Pacey’s clothes lay where he dropped them on the floor. She sat down on the closed toilet and reached for his wifebeater. Burying her face in the soft material she inhaled his scent that was still lingering there. How she had missed it, how she missed him. It took all her strength to suppress the groan that wanted to slip out of her mouth.

Her heart beat wildly as she stood up again and slowly started to undress herself. Even though it was warm or rather hot in the room her hands felt cold on her own skin. She folded her dress and placed it where she just sat. Her hands were trembling and she was extremely grateful that the mirror was too foggy to allow her to see herself. She had never done anything like this before, but it didn’t surprise her that she was doing it with Pacey... or maybe she should say ... doing it to Pacey, because he didn’t know that she was here. Maybe he wouldn’t like it or maybe he wouldn’t like it that it was her who was coming to him.

She knew she hadn’t much time left before he would turn the shower off. Suddenly she felt her boldness slip away but she didn’t want to stop now, she couldn’t.

One more deep breath and she straightened herself. Another now or never situation. She chose the now and opened the door.

Pacey felt a cold rush of air wash over his body. He opened his eyes and tilted his head to look what was bothering him ... and froze.

Joey. Naked. Right before his very eyes. Right in front of the stall. While he was ... naked. Naked and in the shower.

His mind had extreme difficulty working. He swallowed. He couldn’t stop staring at her. He knew he should stop and look away. But then again ... she opened the door.

He was sure his heart would beat its way out of his chest anytime now. He hadn’t seen her ... like this ... naked ... for almost two years. They never ... she had never come to him when he was in the bathroom before.

His slightly shocked eyes found hers. She was looking up to him with big eyes. Eyes that mirrored all her insecurities. He could see the fear in them. She looked so much like the High School girl he had fallen in love with.

"Jo..." Pacey whispered, "... what ... why...?" He stammered. He knew he sounded like a complete idiot, but once again she left him speechless. Probably because his brain suffered from high blood loss.

Joey licked her lips as Pacey turned his head towards her. Her courage was down the drain. She felt the crimson rush of heat color her skin ... all of her skin ...everywhere as his gaze focused on her.

She couldn’t help but look at him, at all of him. Hell, it had been almost two years. He seemed to be even stronger now, his muscles were more defined, his stomach ... to only refer to it as 6-pack was nowhere enough to describe it. He was beautiful. He was Pacey. When their eyes met and she saw the shock in his blue orbs she wanted nothing more than the earth to open beneath her and swallow her. She felt so ashamed. She hated her body. She hated herself.

"I... I’m sorry ... so sorry." Joey lowered her gaze and stumbled back a bit. What was she thinking? What the hell had she been thinking?

"No, don’t be sorry." Pacey realized that what he said reached her ears with a very different meaning. He reached for her hand before she had a chance to close the door again. Her hand was so cold and she was shivering. At that point he wasn’t thinking anymore. He pulled at her hand, causing her to completely step into the shower stall, while his other hand closed the door behind her.

She wouldn’t look at him and he needed to see her eyes. Gently he put his index finger under her chin and lifted it.

"Jo, why are you here?"

Joey sighed and raised her eyes. The fact that he pulled her closer gave her some of the strength back she had lost.

"I ... I need to talk to you and I couldn’t wait and... I thought... this was how.... that I would have your full attention by getting in here." She rambled and blushed even more.

Pacey was concerned. "Jo, you shouldn’t feel like you have to get naked to talk to me." He attempted to continue but she interrupted him.

"No, that’s not it. I couldn’t wait anymore and I really wanted to ... join you." Joey never thought how much a single person could be embarrassed.

"You wanted to shower with me?" Pacey raised his brows. The whole situation was more than surreal.

"Well, yes." Joey displayed her lopsided smile. Slowly she began to relax again. He didn’t throw her out. That was good, wasn’t it?

"Why now, Jo?" Pacey felt his stomach tighten.

"We’ve never done that." Joey smiled again. Yes, she was feeling better by the second. She tucked her hair back.

"Right. There are a lot of things we’ve never done. Why would you want to come in here, naked...while I’m naked as well, after what you said tonight?" Pacey blurted out.

"Because I was an idiot?" Joey questioned more than answered.

"Joey! A few hours ago you said you didn’t feel it, that you didn’t see a future for us and now? Now you..." Pacey threw his hands up. He just couldn’t get it. Joey Potter was simply driving him insane.

"Yeah. Well, you know... that was just me... running away." Joey reached for his shower gel on the shelf behind him. She knew which one it was. The same he has used forever. The one she had bought for herself time and time again just to take in the scent, his scent.

She poured some of the thick liquid in her hand and started to lather his chest. The second her hand touched his skin she felt the ache deep in her core. The ache only he could satisfy. She sighed.

Pacey stared at her. He saw what she was doing but he couldn’t quite believe it. When her skin came in contact with his own he visibly tensed. He dreamed of her touch for so long and now.. he was confused beyond confusion. His body simply overtook his mind and reacted accordingly. He was afraid that she would notice soon and placed his hand over hers. He didn’t really want to stop her, but he had to know first where this was going.

"What are you doing, Jo?" His voice was hoarse and his eyes seemed to be unable to find a place where they could focus on.

"Washing you?" Joey answered innocently as if this was the most normal thing for them, "I think that’s what people do ... in the shower.

"If they are alone ... this could be one of the things they would be doing." He didn’t let go of her hand although every nerve in his body screamed for her to touch him.

Joey showed him the smile, the smile that was only for him at a certain point in time. The smile that made his blood rush further south every time he saw it.

"This is not about sex, Pace."

"No?" Pacey swallowed. Standing naked in a shower with Joey and the word ‘sex’ were really not a good combination. Actually they were, but not where they were right then. Not in their situation. "What is it about then?"

"This is about us." Joey managed to free her hand and continued with her task, "This is about being close to you. This is about intimacy and trust, which I only feel when I’m with you, Pace. This is about our future." Joey stopped to pour some more gel into her hand.

"Our future?" Pacey licked his lips. It couldn’t be true, could it? "Together?"

"Yes, our future ... you and me ... together." Joey nodded and looked into his eyes as her hand gently stroke his penis. She could feel him harden under her touch and smiled again.

"God, Jo." Pacey hissed when her hand closed around his shaft. He thought he had never felt this aroused before and it was so wrong. He still didn’t know what was happening with them. For all he knew this could have very well been one of his many dreams in which they were together. Dreams that were too good to be true.

Yet he still felt her hand on his pulsing flesh. "Please, don’t play with me, Jo." He closed his eyes, reveling in her touch but afraid to wake up any minute and find that it was nothing but a mean illusion.

"I’m not playing with you, Pace." Joey whispered and stopped her ministrations.

He opened his eyes again and searched hers.

"This is ... kind of symbolic, you know?" She started to explain and put her hands on his hips, "Remember? You said you wanted a clean slate for us, right? A fresh start, no baggage attached."

Pacey hesitantly nodded. Her eyes were open and trusting.

"I thought, well ... when you’re naked ... you can’t fake anything. Everything is open, there’s no place to hide something. And ... I want that. I want this for us, Pace." Joey’s voice trailed off while she watched all kinds of emotion wash through his eyes.

This was definitely too good to be true. Pacey choked back the big lump that was building in his throat. He had to ask now.

"Eddie, what about him? You said he came back..."

Joey pressed her lips together and nodded.

"Yes. He came back. Last night, just after you left the bar he showed up. He wanted to come back to me." Joey saw Pacey close his eyes. She raised her hand and gently caressed his cheek, "I told him I moved on."

Pacey’s eyes shot open. "You told him..."

"Yes. And Pacey? I moved on ... to you. Or rather, I found the place where I want to be. I want to be with you, Pacey. I want us to be together."

Pacey pulled her as close to him as possible, bringing their bodies flush against each other. He felt her relax in their embrace and nothing had felt so good and right in a very long time. His cock strained to be closer to her warm core, but he knew that she was right. Right then it wasn’t about sex.

He rested his chin on the top of her head. "Why did you tell me you don’t feel it, Jo? You hurt me so much there..."

Joey tightened her arms around his waist, pressing herself even more against his hard body.

"I know. I was just so confused and scared. We’ve just started to be ‘us’ again and then Eddie reappeared and I thought that was a sign that... that maybe we were not meant to be, but my heart, my heart was telling me that you are the one for me, Pace, and so I told Eddie, that there was nothing he could come back to. But then, all night long I thought about us and that I wasn’t sure where we’re heading to, I mean, I knew what I wanted, but you? We haven’t talked about that, have we?"

Pace softly shook his head and let her continue.

"And this morning, when you called me and said you wanted to spend the evening with me, even though it would mean to chaperone a stupid school dance... Suddenly it was all too much. I thought, what if you leave again? What if we can’t make it work?"

Joey drew back a little and stared in his eyes. "I couldn’t survive without you again, Pace." She worried her bottom lip and waited for his reply.

Without a word Pacey took his shower gel and squeezed some of it in his hand. Tentatively he started to spread the gel across her body.

He touched her like she touched him. He cupped her full breasts in his hands, flicking his thumbs across her nipples and smiled as her eyes fell shut and a small moan escaped her lips.

He continued to wash her with the same care she had shown and when his hand reached the soft curls at the apex of her thighs he touched her forehead with his own.

"Look at me, Jo." He begged and waited until she opened her eyes again.

"I told you that I think this could be it for us, Jo. I want that. I want to be with you. I want ‘us’. And yes, I’m just as scared as you are. But I know that we can make it, Jo, if we want it."

He let his hand slip further down and gently parted her hot folds. Just caressing her, not demanding, only feeling her open herself to him even more.

"Are you sure you want that, Jo? Are you sure there’s nothing other than your fear holding us back?" He searched her eyes again, "Because ... I won’t let you go again, Jo. Never again."

"I’m sure, Pace. I won’t run again and I don’t want you to run." Joey reached down for his hand and laced her fingers with his.

"I ask you to stay, Pace. Stay with me." Her eyes revealed nothing but truth and love for him.

Pacey smile grew as he whispered, "That’s all you ever had to say, Potter."

He lowered his head and brushed his lips over hers. Finally. He broke away again. "Now you’re stuck with me."

She beamed. "I wouldn’t have it any other way."

Her mouth found his again and he eagerly responded to her kiss, deepened it. Without breaking their contact he lifted her up in his arms and pressed her against the tiles. They had waited too damn long for this.

Joey wrapped her arms around his waist, gasping at the sensation the cool tiles created on her spine. "I love taking showers with you." She mumbled against his lips.

Pacey was just about to respond as they heard Jack’s shocked voice.

"Oh my god, oh my... I’m sorry." And with that the bathroom door was slammed shut.

Joey giggled and buried her head in the crook of Pacey’s neck.

"Potter, you forgot to lock the door?" Pacey groaned.

"Well, it’s the first time I did something like this." Joey kissed his shoulder.

"We have to work on that." Pacey let her slowly down again by sliding her body along his own, "And for now... maybe we should change rooms, what do you think?" He winked suggestively.

"Definitely, it’s enough that Jack will have to listen to us for the rest of the night, he doesn’t need to walk in on us, too."

"He will hear us?" Pacey smirked.

"Hell, yes. I waited two long years for this night. There’s no way I’ll be silent." Joey stuck his tongue at him.

"Get in my bed, Potter, now!"

 

 

 

 

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