Disclaimer: Inuyasha characters
belong to Rumiko Takahashi. Other
characters are property of Kidoairaku.
Rating: PG-13 (just in case)
Summary: [Sess/Kag] In the midst of (supposedly)
realizing Sesshoumaru was definitely not the one for her, Kagome finds herself
caught in a tangled web of emotions while settling their separation, perhaps
finding herself to be falling in love with him all over again…
Genre: Drama/Romance
A/N: *-from Monty Python and the Quest for the
Holy Grail.
Ambivalence
August 2003
It was one event of many
that would lead, eventually, to our separation. I don’t know why the date was so important to me; it just seemed
to latch onto my mind and clutch at my memory unforgivingly, screaming its
relevance. In any case, I remember it
clearly, as if it happened yesterday, when, in actuality, the event was long
past.
September 9th.
I’d never forget that
date for the rest of my life. Why? Why, I would ask myself. To be honest, I wasn’t sure why it
stuck out like a sore thumb among the 364 other dates in the year…
Which wasn’t to say that
I didn’t have a clue; of course, I did.
A better way to put it would probably be why it mattered to me so
much. Of all the inane things to
remember, the date my husband and I began to drift apart. I shouldn’t have cared…really, I shouldn’t,
but those numbers, 9/9, wouldn’t leave me.
Maybe
it was memorable because those were unlucky numbers. Of course, that skirmish had to occur on the ninth day of
the ninth month. It was like destiny.
Destiny, my friends.
On one of the unluckiest days
would come the unhappiest, ultimately, the worst day of my life, if you wanted
to root it all down.
I don’t know why I’m
complaining…if the whole damn event hadn’t occurred, then I’d still be
stuck with the bastard I dared to call my husband, soul mate, lover, confidant,
et cetera. For God’s sake, I don’t
remember why I liked him in the first place!
Then again, I give myself
this: I’m completely biased now that I’ve gone into the search-and-recover
tactic. It’s gone on for a while,
now…I’ve been digging frantically for everything I could possibly bat an
eyelash at and turned it to his complete disadvantage. I can even come up with something ridiculous
on the spot.
I don’t like the way he
ties his shoes.
There were only two ways
I knew of to tie a bow-slash-knot. One
was to do that strange loop around the loop and make another loop; that was the
method I learned second. The other was
to make two loops and tie-slash-knot them—the way I learned first. After all, the latter was simpler; it would
only be logical for children to learn it that way.
I preferred that
method—the Doggy Ears way, I like to call it.
I snorted.
And my dear, sweet
husband did it the other way.
Well, screw him.
It was just another thing
I found to not like about him.
Of course, there were
more significant reasons—personality quirks and attitude workings that I just
couldn’t grasp. Why would he act
that way? Why would he do
that? I just couldn’t understand
anymore.
WHY
was I freaking attracted in the first place?!
…Never mind…don’t bother
answering that…I knew full-well he had to be one of the most eligible
bachelors (before I snagged him, that is, heh heh heh…).
I ran a shaky hand
through my hair, falling back onto the guest bed I’d taken over. My eyes played over the unfamiliar,
unnaturally clean surroundings; the room seemed to glow with the fact that it
was not lived-in, that it wasn’t mine.
Not that the furnishings weren’t nice.
Hell, they were nice…
Maybe not my style,
though.
There. Another thing to pin on my spouse; after
all, he owned the hotel-slash-resort we were staying at. It was his fault I didn’t like the
décor.
Sitting up rigidly, I
cast a predatory glance around the room once more, as if something, maybe someone
would jump out at me. Having determined
it safe, my legs carried me to the sliding glass door that opened to a wide
balcony. I found myself at the
balustrade, head in my hands.
What was happening to me?
What was driving this
inexplicable force that dogged me into pushing myself away from him?
I loved him! I…used to love him so much…I’d give anything
for him…
I’d do anything to make
him happy…
I didn’t know what was
right anymore—truths, lies, they all blurred together in my mind.
Why couldn’t I be happy
with him? Why couldn’t I forgive
his human flaws? No one’s perfect;
everybody knows that…
I took a deep, shuddering
breath, attempting to regain my composure.
Of course, it was a lost cause.
I’d lost what I had left of my composure about a week ago, on September
9th.
Opening my eyes, I gazed
through my fingers, still splayed across my face as my elbows rested on the
railing. “Do I love you, Sesshoumaru?”
“Kagome.”
His voice always had the
ability to slice through all my thoughts, though the effect hadn’t been as
violent before our emotional separation.
I wasn’t sure if I could even officially call it emotional
separation. I still felt, deep down,
very much attached to this man, the man I supposedly loved.
I wanted to say it, to
tell him I loved him and that I didn’t know what was going on with me, to ask
him forgiveness. Instead, my warmth
seemed to drop a few degrees when I heard the door shut behind him. I swiveled around, narrowing my eyes, former
feelings thrown violently to the wayside.
“Don’t you ever knock?”
He leveled his notorious
impassive stare my way, not bothering to grace me with an answer. Fine.
“It’s my hotel. I do what I
want.”
“Oh yea?” I countered, taking a few steps toward him,
“it’s my room.” My arms were
crossed, and I was standing stiffly; it was just one of those things I did when
I did not feel open to any sort of conversation—my way of closing myself
off, steeling myself from any unwanted…things.
His eyes narrow as well,
and I couldn’t help but feel a smudge of satisfaction. That’s
right, I thought, don’t you hate me? Aren’t I the most annoying bi-
“Are
you settled enough to come down to dinner?” he questioned. Although, the tone he used seemed to bounce
like a demand, I observed.
I
huffed. How dare he
interrupt! “Why would I go to dinner
with you?”
“Do
you find your accommodations suitable?”
Closing
my eyes, a sadistic grin planted on my face, I snorted. “I hate them.”
He
seemed unfazed by my bold declaration.
“Would you like to be moved to my room, then, Kagome?”
I
abhorred the way I phrased things to his advantage. Demand after demand after conscious demand, all hinted with that
characteristic arrogance of his. I was
tempted to mouth off a ridiculous remark that would leave him utterly
baffled. Something like, ‘I blow my nose
at you!’* I didn’t do it, though,
opting instead for glowering at him.
“Do you have a point in coming and bothering me at this ungodly
hour?” In truth it was only seven
o’clock, but what the hey, I could be
an early sleeper if I wanted to.
Sesshoumaru
quirked a perfect brow at this. “I
believe I asked you to dinner.”
“Whatever. I’m not going.”
And
that was that. I turned my back on him
and resumed my place at the balcony railing, lifting my eyes to the starless
sky. It was a clear navy color, which,
I guess, was an improvement over Tokyo’s black abyss.
I
didn’t have to remind myself that we were ‘vacationing’ in San Francisco. Actually, we were here on one of
Sesshoumaru’s business dealings. The
trip had only turned out to be the R and R from hell after September 9th. There it
was again, that date… I dropped my head
miserably into my hands, a position akin to what I was typically to be moping
in. I felt so tangled…so lost…
By
the time I’d registered the fact that he’d snaked his arms around my waist, I
was already turned about-face into his embrace, clutching his shirt desperately
as tears leaked from my eyes. I wasn’t
sure what it was that I said at the time, so drunk was I in my despair. Maybe I spewed out ‘forgive me’ crap, ‘I’m
sorry’, ‘I love you; you know I do’.
All of it was a blur.
In
any case, we ended up on the guest bed in our birthday suits, me still curled
up in his arms the next morning. When I
woke up, I pried his arms off carefully, remembering he was a light sleeper, and
made my way to the shower, where I promptly reverted to my
‘I-Must-Hate-Sesshoumaru’ plan.
` ` `
I
found out I was pregnant two weeks later.
August
2003
I
smiled, running the towel over my collar.
“I know what you mean. It’s hard
to find a private moment these days, since, you know, what with Sesshoumaru
being one of those high-class CEOs…” I
trailed off, realizing I sounded stuck-up.
I couldn’t help it, though; it was the truth.
“Go on,” Alex urged, waving a hand as if to dispel my
unease. “You’re not stuck-up. Don’t worry.”
God, I loved this girl; it was like she could read my
thoughts. Granted, it wasn’t always the
best thing, especially when I didn’t want her to be reading my thoughts… Sometimes I wondered if she was
psychic…telepathic…one those mind-reading people. She really was an amazing woman.
“Well, there’s really nothing more to say,” I offered,
shrugging. “Another lap?”
She shook her head ‘no’.
“I think I’ve had enough for today.”
“Okey-dokey; whatever you say.
Let’s hit the showers then!” I
watched for her confirmation and, upon receiving it, flashed another smile and
extended my hand. “Ladies first.”
My friend rolled her eyes.
“Har-har. You know you have
quite a bit of refinement yourself, Kagome.”
“Not as much as you, though, might I care to point out.” She walked past me, and I followed, sliding
the glass doors to the pool room shut.
Water dripped onto the plush carpeted floor as we walked, staining it
with dark chlorine-filled specks.
“Hard to believe, huh?”
I glanced at her curiously, wrapping my towel around me. “What?”
She nudged me suggestively, her periwinkle eyes twinkling. “You managed to snag a husband like
Sesshoumaru!”
“So?”
“S-So?!” She sputtered, stepping back in disbelief. “Look at this!” Alex made a wild gesture with her arms, encompassing the air in
all directions. “This is his house! It’s not even in his country of
residence! This is THREE THOUSAND MILES from home!”
“Oh.” I made a
noncommittal gesture.
Her eyes scoured me skeptically. “Girl, you don’t know how lucky you are.” Her hand flickered past her ear—a habitual
movement, I guess, flipping her hair.
Of course, it was a pointless gesture since her auburn hair was
plastered to her head.
“Well,” I sighed, clasping my hands, “I guess I am lucky. After all, it’s not everyday a gorgeous man
asks for your hand in marriage.” I
paused. “Actually…it was more like a
demand…”
Alex whistled, nudging me again.
Fighting the urge not to smile, I shot a halfhearted glare at
her, blushing. “Believe me, it wasn’t
so funny at the time. I mean…” I was
going into ‘ramble mode’. “What kind of
guy demands you marry him? Okay, don’t
answer that. An arrogant one, duh. A confident, spoiled one.”
“Oh, I would trade you any day!” she interjected, taking on a
dreamy gaze. “To be married to
Sesshoumaru…”
“Not on your life!” I
retorted, crossing my arms. “I—”
“Is he any good in bed?” she interrupted, looking at me
eagerly.
I couldn’t tell whether she was joking or not; either way, I
blushed, grating her name in a scolding tone.
“Just kidding, just kidding.”
She held her hands up submissively, turning to open my bathroom
door. “He’s probably a natural!”
“Alex!”
“Joking!”
I huffed, stalking past her into the immense washroom. Sometimes, I had to think Sesshoumaru really
overdid it with the money…this house was probably just as nice, maybe even
nicer, than the one he had back home in Japan.
Crazy, crazy man.
“You going first or me?”
I queried, throwing the towel in the hamper. I knew Alex didn’t particularly like to shower in any other
bathroom than mine, and I didn’t mind.
“Ah, you go ahead, Kagome.
I’ll hang out in your closet.”
I snorted. “Bring me
some clothes, won’t you?”
“Sure!”
Sighing, I slipped out of my swimsuit and stepped into the
shower. Darn,
I thought, I forgot to buy more of
that special swim shampoo…
When
I heard the door click open again, along with the soft thump of clothes
dropping, I shouted my thanks to Alex and continued with my showering. Awhile later, the door clicked again, and I
assumed my friend had plopped down with a magazine, most likely sitting on the
bathroom counter. Sesshou was probably
coming home soon…from one of his business meetings…
“Hey
Alex, I think you should leave before Sesshou gets home,” I called. “He—”
The
shower curtain was jerked to the side, and I snapped my head around,
instinctively crossing my arms over my chest and stepping back. Thank god, it was only Sesshou. I was about to crack a playful joke when I
caught his expression.
He
wasn’t happy.
I’m
sure what he said next was supposed to fly clearly as a demand, but it came off
soft and quiet. Even so, I felt
somewhat intimidated by him, as if he was threatening me.
“Who’s
Alex?”
It
surprised me. Did he have a problem
with Alex? I ticked through a list of
traits he wouldn’t like, maybe wouldn’t approve of, and, finding none too
serious, glanced at him questioningly.
“A
friend,” I answered, perhaps a little defensively.
His
eyes narrowed in what I recognized as suspicion. “What kind of friend?”
“Do
you have something against Alex?” I
snapped, stalking past him for a towel.
I heard him turn the water off behind me as I wrapped up in the cloth.
“I
want to know who Alex is.”
I
attempted to calmly dry my hair. “Alex
is a friend, I told you!”
“What
kind of friend?” he repeated.
Boy,
he was really being a bitch about this.
Then, it hit me. Alex just
happened to be the name of one of his fellow CEOs—a rather flirtatious one at
that. No wonder he was suspicious…
In
the course of my thought-sorting, he’d grabbed my wrists and forced me against
a wall. His grip was definitely not
comfortable, and he was invading my bubble, I thought irritably. I suddenly felt the need to egg him on.
“Are
you jealous?” I taunted, nonchalantly
averting my gaze.
“So
what if I was? Would it change your
answer?”
I
glanced at him askance. He said it all
very coolly, as if it didn’t matter at all, but that, of course, was belied by
the simple fact that he was holding me against the wall for some answers.
“It
might,” I grinned, turning back to him.
It should’ve helped that my face was lit in humor. Obviously, though, it didn’t; he was still
staring at me expectantly. What was his
deal?
My
expression must’ve dropped; he looked clearly taken aback. “Do you honestly think I’d cheat on
you?” I whispered. Did he think me unfaithful? Ungrateful?
Untrustworthy? I’d given him my
vows… To have and to hold from this day
forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in
health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part…those were the words I
lived by… Did he think I would forsake
him?
“Do
you?” I prompted, gazing at him
expectantly.
There
seemed to be insecurity flickering around in those exotic eyes of his. He didn’t know. He wasn’t sure. His hold
on my wrists loosened significantly, enough so that I could loop my arms around
him. I buried my face in his neck, not
caring that I’d gotten his Armani suit wet.
“Till death do us part,” I murmured.
“Hey
Kago—”
Sesshou
stiffened at the sound of Alex’s voice, and I smiled into the material of his
suit. “That’s Alex.”
“Um,”
came my friend’s voice again, “I’ll just…borrow some of your clothes and be on
my way then.” I heard a nervous chuckle
before the door clicked.
“Alex…”
“Yup. Alex.”
I gave him a reassuring peck on the cheek and excused myself to get
dressed. Glancing back, I found him to
be looking at me strangely. I couldn’t
place the look at the time, and, without a second thought, I skipped off to my
closet, where Alex was still changing.
***
And I still couldn’t place the
look. It should’ve been a happy memory,
one of those ‘revelation’ moments in my married life with Sesshoumaru, but it
wasn’t. Or rather, it didn’t turn out
to be. Somehow, I’d managed to build on
that…in all the wrong ways.
I knew I was being a complete
bitch. It was crystal clear in my
eyes. Other people probably didn’t have
the highest opinion of me anymore, either.
Oh, it was like being a teen all over again. All my complaining was making even me sick.
I had no idea how Sesshoumaru was putting up with me in the way he did.
The rest of our time spent in
California was rather uneventful. We
were both quite stand-offish after I found out I was pregnant. Which, I think, was a good thing because it
gave me lots of time to cool down.
Also, I was beginning to explore the wonderful quirks of expecting; my
already sour character was taking another dip.
Things like that weren’t good for a baby, you know.
Of course, I went on the eating
spree. Four to seven meals a day. I was inflating like a balloon. Then again, I guess it made up for
everything, since I lost tons
of weight before…it just all kinda dropped off…
Oddly enough, in the course of my
gestation period, I felt my harsh feelings toward Sesshoumaru ebb away. It seemed only a matter of time that we got
back on our relationship track smoothly, and I’d become the Kagome he married
once again. After all, taking care of
myself had taken more than enough precedence over my
‘Find-A-Way-To-Separate-From-Sesshoumaru-Feasibly’ idea.
I only hoped all thoughts of it
would stay away from me as I attempted to recover my tangled feelings. Undoubtedly, the bulge in my stomach would
help me with that…
August 2003
Oh yes, the pre-maternal hell
that was pregnancy drove into me full-force.
Just like that.
WHAM!
“Oh, oh, Sesshoumaru, go get me
ice cream; I want ice cream. NOW.”
“Oof! She kicked! Er...he kicked...! Dammit, Sesshoumaru, no, I don’t want an ultrasound! It’s supposed to be a surprise!...What? No, I don’t have a name prepared...So?”
“...Opera music. Italian.”
“Ugh, my poor feet. They’re sore! They’re sore! Don’t make
me throw my shoe at you, Sesshoumaru, because you’re the one who brought this
down on me, you bastard...oops...better watch my language around
Hisashi...What? No, I was just bored,
so I picked out a boy name. You know
what? If it’s a girl, you can pick the
name. Fair? I don’t wanna hear any arguments on it.”
“Don’t give me your sass,
mister. I’m a pregnant lady, and I’m
cranky. Do you see this power? Huh?
HUH?!”
“Sesshoumaru, I want you home
NOW. I don’t give about your important
business meeting! I want pickles!”
Honestly, after the whole ordeal,
I truly felt sorry for my bastard. Yes,
he was my bastard, despite all the things I still found I hated about him. He was mine. Anyways.
I did find some unusual quirks
about being pregnant. My rear end was
always on the fritz, it seemed. Well,
maybe that wasn’t the right way to put it.
It hurt all the time. Who ever
mentioned that
anywhere? I certainly never heard of such a
thing.
Seemed like my stomach was on the
fritz, too. Breakfast was always a long
affair—a long full
affair. I myself didn’t think I ate
that much; it was just enough to satisfy that pit of a stomach I
possessed. In fact, I sated it so much
that I threw up...every other morning for two weeks.
Out goes my breakfast into the
sink/toilet/trash can/plate/floor or anything (or anyone...need I say
“Sesshoumaru”?) for that matter.
I once briefly considered
abortion. What did I need with a baby,
after all? It seemed to be quite
popular in Japan...but we weren’t in
Japan at the time. Darn it all. It posed another question, a rather
important one in terms of the child’s future...
Was he/she going to be Japanese
citizen?
Oh, the baby absolutely had to be a citizen of Japan. His parents
would live in Japan. Perhaps he’d be an
American citizen? Could he get two
citizenships? I wondered if Sesshoumaru
could do something with that—pull some strings or something. It’d be nifty if my boy was an American
citizen as well as a Japanese one. Oh,
the benefits!
Actually, I wasn’t completely
sure whether or not there would be any benefits at all, but there was
hope. I was always the optimistic one,
after all.
Sighing, I slumped back into my
chair, closing my eyes. It was a
favorite place of mine these days. I
had a slough of books scattered about myself with the occasional magazine here
and there. God, I was so bored.
The ‘beep beep’ of the security
device alerted me to Sesshoumaru’s return, his footfalls brisk and muffled on
the carpeted floor.
Yes, I had moved back to his penthouse
suite.
...Could that have been his
underlying motive? Getting me pregnant
so I’d have
to depend on him…?
No, no. That was just my suspicious thinking going there. None of that now, I promised myself.
“How was work?” I asked blandly, plucking a magazine from
the ground. People. Oh, if only I had a better grip on the English culture. I didn’t know many of these people. Oh well.
I leafed through periodical briefly, ultimately tossing it to the ground
again.
“I daresay you don’t care,” he
returned, loosening his tie.
I didn’t see why he didn’t go to
work stark naked. Many of his
associates were female, and I
daresay it’d only be all the more to his advantage—in nearly everything—if he
walked in in the nude. Haha. “I daresay you’re right.”
“I daresay you’re mocking me.”
“I daresay you’re right.”
He gave me a look that plainly
said, ‘Okay, enough.’ I shrugged,
rising with slight difficulty from my comfortable perch in my armchair. I just wanted to punch him with the way he
was watching me. So tenderly. It wasn’t part of his shallow range of
emotional expression. Or rather, it
wasn’t supposed
to be. Nothing was what I expected
these days, it seemed.
Dropping his briefcase on one end
of his glass table, he made his way to the refrigerator and threw out a few
items on the counter. Hungry then, I
supposed. I plopped down by his
briefcase and snapped it open, glancing up to check if it was okay with him. He seemed unconcerned. Lips quirked in an odd little smile, I
rummaged through his stuff.
A stock report slipped through my
fingers. “Boring…boring…boring…” I
muttered, sifting through the numerous papers.
A travel brochure caught my eye and I paused, picking it up. “I want to go home,” I thought aloud. I looked up, and, sure enough, he was
staring at me, as if you say, ‘Really?’
Well, all things considered, it
probably wasn’t the best idea, what with me being seven months along and
Sesshoumaru’s business meetings still in progress. I wanted to go home, though; I wanted the baby to be a Japanese
citizen. I still didn’t know all the
quirks of that, but I figured it’d be better if Sesshoumaru didn’t have to pull
any strings.
Our house back at home called to
me, though. I wanted to be back in my
room…our room. I wanted ‘home’ to be
the first place our
baby saw after the whitewashed walls of the drab hospital. It really wasn’t that I had anything against
the American set; I just wanted my child to grow up in a Japanese
environment. There seemed to be so many
quirks
to Japan that would simply be…hard to accept to a foreigner.
I dunno. Maybe I was taking it just a little too
far. Maybe it wouldn’t be such a big
deal to an infant. Then again, it
wasn’t good for an infant to travel overseas.
I didn’t take too nicely to that
idea. By the time it would be ‘appropriate’ to travel, the
baby probably would’ve become accustomed to American ideals and ways. Again, maybe that was taking it too far…
But the whole point was I wanted to go home.
I looked at Sesshoumaru
pleadingly. ‘Let’s go,’ I hoped my eyes
said. I wasn’t sure if he’d take it or
not. I still wasn’t sure of his affection for me. How far would he go? Well,
Sesshoumaru, I thought, what’ll
it be?
He turned away without a
response. From previous experience, I
conjectured this meant he was thinking about it. I couldn’t help but take it as a no, though, and I stuck my
tongue out at him. Of course, what I really wanted to do was punch him for
not deciding in my favor right away, but I suppressed that urge. He had his precious meetings. It wasn’t good to travel.
I slammed his briefcase shut and
stalked off, letting him know I was upset.
I went to bed almost immediately after that, but, since the night was
yet young, I didn’t catch a wink of sleep.
When he finally came in, he took a shower, and I almost almost drifted off listening to the
pattering of water. I figured I
actually did for a bit—fall asleep, that is—when the next time my eyes opened,
the room was lit in a grayish light that was the early morning’s trademark.
I felt the ghostly warmth of a
kiss, and, upon looking up, found Sesshoumaru hovering over me in a suit,
prepped for work. I was going to smile
at him before remembering I was supposed to be mad, whereupon I shot my best
halfhearted, half sleepy glare at him.
He didn’t seem surprised by this and only straightened himself.
“A week. We’re leaving.”
I blinked. Honestly?
Shooting up, I did my best to jump on him (I’m sure he got winded). “I love you! Thank you!” With that, I
gave him a peck on the cheek and bid him farewell, falling back into bed to
snooze some more. Six-thirty in the
morning was not a proper time for a pregnant lady to wake up, after all.
` ` `
It was only a few hours after
that I got a bit upset about not being able to leave sooner. Later, though, I found the logic in this
decision of his.
I got to say my goodbyes,
including a long drawn-out one to Alex, with promises to write, to keep in
touch, to call. She even suggested on
the spot to her husband that his company expand to Japan, just so he’d take her
on an extended business trip to see me.
Now, that
made me feel loved. I broke into tears
not long after, costing me some strange looks and murmurs in the café we were
at. Poor people. Didn’t know they were dealing with a crazed
pregnant lady here. And, of course,
being a foreign woman like I was, I had to break into fragmented Japanese,
which made it seem all the more tragic and made me cry harder and that, in
turn, spurred Alex into tears as well.
We made quite a scene, even if I do say so myself.
She and I had made fast friends,
which was lucky since I would’ve been bored to death in San Fran all
alone. Well, that wasn’t true; there
were plenty of places to see…I just didn’t have anyone to see them with, since
Sesshoumaru was still quite an issue ‘back then.’ God, it felt like ages since I last thought about that. Seven months, almost eight, my gosh. Who knew business trips could take that
long? Not me.
Not only did I bid a fond
farewell, I got to pack, which, I tell you, was no easy task with a stomach the
size of…well…a baby. Darn, I could’ve
had one of the hotel workers pack for me, but I didn’t want to trouble the poor
people with my broken English, although Alex seemed to have adjusted just fine
to that. I took three days to pack my
own stuff, another two and a half to get Sesshoumaru’s together. I figured it’d be nice of me to, especially
since I was the one always at ‘home’ and he was always away. He’d help in the evenings, if you could call
tossing things from the closet to my head ‘help’. I swear, that man was so
annoying when he wanted to be.
Anyways, a week later, as
planned, we were in an airport, waiting on an early morning flight. Needless to say, I was dead tired, which
also meant I was freakishly cranky.
Luckily, though, Alex was there, too, to give me a second and probably
final farewell. Then again, maybe it
wasn’t so lucky. She was looking a bit
frazzled herself; she’d mentioned sometime before that she was a late
riser. So, we had two cranky women
waiting for a private jet that had some technical problems.
I’d been feeling a bit strange
all morning, so it wasn’t a surprise when I asked to sit down. When I did, though, I immediately began to
regret it. I sucked a sharp breath through
my lips. “Sesshoumaru?” He’d already been watching me closely; when
I called his name, his eyes simply flickered.
“I…” I gasped again, clutching
the material of my loose dress. Oh dear
God…
“Kagome!” Alex called, rocketing to my side with all
signs of crankiness gone. “What’s
wrong? My God! What’s wrong?”
Sesshoumaru was on my other side,
kneeling down with my hand in his.
There it was, that tender
look again. Well, I didn’t have time to
think about that right now. “Hospital,”
I murmured, squeezing my eyes shut, “NOW.”
I knew I should’ve read those books on
pregnancy. I just knew it.
August 2003
On the way to the hospital I
remember thinking over and over again, I’m
not ready. I’m not ready. Everything I knew about pregnancy I learned
from my mother, right before I left with Sesshoumaru…right before he took me
away…was that bad? No, no. That wasn’t it. That wasn’t how it went.
Alex and her husband had been
with us, watching anxiously as I took my deep breaths. I guess I’d slept through my first
contractions; I dunno how, but I did.
It seemed to have progressed a little more now. They weren’t so far between—maybe seven to
ten minutes. And they hurt. I should’ve taken classes.
I should’ve read the books. I
should’ve been prepared. But I wasn’t, and that was all that counted
at that point.
I remember Alex calling through
to the hospital and requesting—or rather, demanding—a room ready for me when I
got there. I remember her not getting a
positive response and handing her cell phone to Sesshoumaru, whereupon he
nearly dug the lady’s grave and, once again, demanded a room ready.
I laughed then, I think, hugging
Sesshoumaru like a dear teddy. What would I do without you? And then there was a bright flash…Alex had
taken a picture with her phone, sly girl.
I’d been quite happy for the rest of the ride, attempting to ignore the
spasms of pain that shot through me.
The hospital room. Heh.
Well, what could you expect?
Well, I guess it was better than I would’ve expected since it wasn’t all white. I actually had to say I liked the color scheme. It was…relaxing. Peachy and mossy green painted walls with dark carpeting surrounded
me with the occasional framed painting.
I had a nice window, too; considering it was still early morning,
though, light didn’t quite come in abundance through the aperture. I don’t know why I was paying any attention to the décor in
the first place, since I was about to have a baby—at least I hoped so…
The rest was all a blur…from the moment
I had the overwhelming urge to push
to the first choking sob that caught in my throat.
Sesshoumaru
sat on the edge of my bed, my small clammy hand enveloped in his. He wasn’t saying anything, and I would never
have expected otherwise. It was natural
for him to be silent…he just wasn’t one of those born talkers.
I
guessed that was one of the reasons we were compatible…maybe incompatible: I
could talk for hours; he wouldn’t talk at all.
We balanced each other in almost every aspect. Yin and Yang, we were.
Nature just seemed to bring us together…
They
say painless birth is possible.
Well
HA.
My
birth…or rather, my baby’s birth…was anything but. I must’ve screamed loud enough to wake the dead. Later, I found out, it was
probably because I wasn’t in the least relaxed even though I tried to be. Maybe that should’ve been my first warning…
I want to see my baby, I thought.
Why couldn’t I see him? Yes, I
had been told it was a he.
I
still wasn’t sure of Sesshoumaru’s reaction to all this…if he hadn’t expected
to impregnate me…if he hadn’t expected the child to come premature…
“Premature,”
one of the nurses murmured.
‘Yes,
I know,’ I wanted to say. There was
something else, I could feel it. She
was holding something back from me, and I was dying to know what it was. I did NOT go through the process of labor
just to have things kept from me about my flesh and blood. My curiosity was soon sated.
“Where
is he?” Sesshoumaru demanded, none too kindly.
That
was something I liked about him. He
didn’t care so much about hurting other peoples’ feelings, about being polite
and mincing words; he just came out and said what he thought. Cut to the chase.
The
nurse, with her cropped, straight black hair and large, brown innocent eyes,
coughed, seemingly covering a choke. I
was getting impatient. Why wouldn’t she tell me? “What’s wrong?” I asked brokenly, tears
flooding my eyes. Why was I crying
already? Did I, subconsciously, know
something was about to happen? “Where
is he? Where’s my baby?” My voice sounded distant, coming from
another person, almost.
Sesshoumaru’s
fingers unconsciously smoothed over my hand, offering me reassurance and
comfort when I could get none.
“I’ll
take care of it, Tanya.”
My
eyes shifted to the woman in the doorway, a kind-looking lady with auburn hair
pulled into a low ponytail and warm, laughing eyes. I liked her immediately.
The way she looked at me though—with a mix of pitying sympathy and
regret tinged a deep-reaching fondness—seemed to admonish me once more. Be ready.
“Mr.
and Mrs. Kinasheeta?” she ventured, stepping past the stricken nurse.
“Kinashita,”
I corrected automatically. “Yes?”
“Ah,
my apologies,” she returned, stepping farther into the room. A sigh blew past her thin lips, setting her
smiling face into the lines of a frown.
“I will not mince words here,” she started, suddenly seeming very
tired. She must’ve had been through
this a million times with a million women.
“The umbilical cord wrapped around the baby’s throat, Mrs.
Kinashita. He did not make it.”
It
was like a blow to the stomach, swift and surprising; it winded me. Sesshoumaru was looking at me, I knew. How could I miss that fierce stare of his? My mouth must’ve been hanging open, I knew. I was still staring incredulously at the
doctor. I would have to find her name
later. The blood drained from my face
as I whispered, “Thank you for telling us.
Thank you.”
My
attention turned to my husband, still watching me intently. Would he show no emotion for his son? His dead son?
The tears came easily. I threw
myself around him, sobbing my heart out.
My child…my son…did not make it…
Sesshoumaru
seemed to allow a slip of emotion show in his actions. He looped his arms around me, placing soft
kisses on my temple.
I
fell asleep clutching him like I would a lifesaver. What would I do without you, Sesshoumaru?
I was disappointed; I couldn’t
say otherwise. But disappointment was
only the tip of the iceberg.
A few days later, I was
discharged from the hospital, all the worse for wear, with Sesshoumaru still by
my side. I still had not reverted to my
Sesshoumaru-hating, and I was glad for it.
He was my pillar right now, the only thing that kept me up through the
storms. It wasn’t that he did anything
particularly special. He wasn’t the
kind to hug me and offer words of meaningless comfort. Just by being there, he gave me the best reassurance.
Feeling obligated to return his
favors in some way, I didn’t bother asking him to go back home anymore. I would live out the rest of the business
trip in relative silence, I vowed. His
company was important to him, I knew.
Whether that significance rivaled mine, though, I wasn’t sure. It made me wonder, sometimes, which came
first to him: me or his company.
When everything seemingly
returned to normal, my menstrual cycle along with my daily schedule,
Sesshoumaru’s business dealings were drawing to a close, which made me all the
more happy because then, finally then, we could go home.
That reminded me…
“Hello?”
“Mama! It’s Kagome! Your dear,
beloved little girl who’s away in America, three thousand miles from home!” I heard a laugh on the other side, that
familiar smooth, kind laugh that seemed to flow naturally from my mother’s
lips. Oh, mama, I’ve missed you…
“Of course! My little Kagome! How have you been, my dear?”
“Mama,” I murmured tenderly, “it’s
not been so good…” I hadn’t called her
for what seemed like an eternity. She
hadn’t been informed of my baby’s death, yet…I’d have to tell her…The though
made me sick to my stomach, and I sighed brokenly, wishing for another
life. She waited for me to
continue. “The baby…Hisashi,” I joked
lightly, “he didn’t make it…”
“…
“…Oh, Kagome…”
What was she to say? How could
anyone answer to something like that? ‘I’m
sorry’? That wasn’t good enough. Sorry was never good enough. How could anyone be sorry when I…I was the one suffering? No, my friend, I was sorry.
“It’s alright, though,” I forced,
sighing, “Sesshoumaru stayed with me through it all. He was my rock.”
“Of course, of course.” There was a pause, and she continued in a
cheerful tone. “He better have been.”
I laughed sincerely. “Thanks, Mama. How have things been with you?”
“Same-oh-same, my dear. Grandpa still hasn’t gotten over his history
fetish. I believe he still sells those
fake Shikon Jewels. Sadly enough, they
do make quite a bit of profit…”
“And Souta?” I prompted. Gramps…I wasn’t surprised.
“Oh, my dear, my dear, he just
finished college,” she gushed, sighing, “He has a girlfriend, a job, a high-paying job, and he
absolutely loves
his life.”
“Oh really? What’s her name?” I had
to know this. Souta…with a girlfriend…HA!
“She’s from Osaka, I believe,” my
mother said thoughtfully, “Mei, her name is.”
“You’ll have to send my love,
mama,” I commented offhandedly. Imagine
that…little Souta all grown up…
We continued on for a while,
talking about everything and nothing…she even mentioned the prices of pickles
were going quite high, something that bothered Gramps greatly since it was his favorite food.
Once I hang up the phone,
Sesshoumaru was sitting across from me, still fully dressed in his suit. It seemed like he’d been watching me for
quite a while, but I, having been busy with Mama, hadn’t noticed.
“How was your day?” I asked
cheerily, rising to put the receiver back in its cradle.
“Fine,” was his nonchalant
response.
I don’t know why I bothered to
ask everyday, but I felt obligated. And
besides, we didn’t talk about much other than that. Heck, we didn’t talk much at
all. Yup, that would be the
failure of our relationship one of these days.
I could see it now…
“So…what
is the problem here?”
“Well,
there’s nothing that’s really the problem, but we just feel we’re not compatible.”
“After
ten years?”
“You
could say it took some time for us to get tired of each other.”
The
counselor looked at the pair of us strangely.
“Was there another reason behind this marriage, perhaps?”
I
looked at him, eyes narrowed. “Are you
insinuating that I was trying to steal his money?”
“No,
not at all, Mrs. Kinashita…”
“Are
you sure?”
“Yes…”
“Do
not insult my wife.”
“Mr.
Kinashita, sir, I’m sure I did not mean…”
“Don’t
talk back to him, you bastard!”
The
man looked flustered. “I apologize, ma’am.”
“Why
aren’t you apologizing to Sesshoumaru?”
“Um…I
apologize, Mr. Kinashita.”
“That’s
better.”
He
coughed, adjusting his glasses. “Now, I
ask once more…what is the problem?”
“Didn’t
we already go through that?”
“Well…no…not
exactly.”
“Alright
then. We’ve honestly never said more
than two sentences to one another in a running conversation.”
He
stared.
“That
is the problem, isn’t
it, Sesshoumaru?”
“I
wasn’t aware of the reason for coming to this bastard in the first place.”
“You’re
right…let’s go.”
The
man stared after us in confusion, shaking his head and tossing his notepad into
the circular file. “I quit.”
Well, that was life, huh? I doubt anything could’ve pulled us apart at
this point, though. I mentioned before
that we were like Yin and Yang. And
obviously, Yin and Yang weren’t supposed
to be separated.
“Let’s make dinner,” I suggested
offhandedly, loosening his tie. When
had I gone and sat in his lap? Oh well.
“What do you want?” he demanded,
prying my hand off his neck.
“…To make dinner?” I offered
hopefully.
“And…?”
“Salad?”
He looked completely exasperated
with me, and I laughed, making myself comfortable in his lap. “Can we go home soon?”
“Salad,” he answered, pushing me
off him. “Are we making dinner?”
“Yea!” I squealed, hopping
up. I was not a good cook, so messing with
Sesshoumaru’s food was going to be fun.
Maybe I’d learn a thing or two from him sometime later, but for now, I
was quite happy with playing the five-year-old.
“By the way,” I added discreetly,
tossing a mushroom in the air, “can we get an afternoon flight this time?”
I felt rather than saw the glare
he aimed at me. His message was clear:
Put. The mushroom. Down.
I stuck my tongue out playfully
at him.
Make me.