'Lo!  >__<  'Tis I, Dark Mistress Ivy... again!

All right, this is the re-written, re-posted version of "Great Sex Calls for a Cigar".  The first version was taken and ripped to little bloody ribbons by the ficbitch and she showed me the error of my ways, at least in this story.  I completely agreed with most of her suggestions and made some changes as well as fixing a bit of the language.  So here it is, new and improved as well as under a new name.  (The other one got such a beating that I put it in the Witness Protection Program.)

If you read it before and didn't like it, try this fic on for size.

If you read it before and you did like it, this version is even better.

If you never read the first version, welcome and thanks for coming!

Down to business with the blah blah blahs.

!WARNING!  This fic contains a smut scene between Alucard and Integra, if you don't like smut, you need to leave now. (Actually, the whole fic is just a lead up to said smut scene) 

Also, this fic has strong language up to and including the F-word, so virgin ears and eyes beware.

I don't own Hellsing (except the four DVDs on my shelf).

Sex and Cigars

It was just after midnight when Hellsing HQ finally calmed down.  Earlier in the evening, after nightfall, there had been a few situations, one of which called for a sniper to take out the nuisance and the police girl had been dispatched with the team to take care of matters.

Integra had spent the late night doing paperwork… as usual, in her office and had gone through three cigars before enough was enough.  At two she’d told Walter he was dismissed for the night and made her way to bed.  She’d lain sleepless for an hour before she finally came to the decision to dress again.  Donning a deep green, double-breasted men’s suit, she left her room and made her way down to the cellars.

Her boots clicked on the stone floor and echoed down the still halls.

No, there was a noise, behind her.  Footsteps, not her own.  Integra stopped walking and the footsteps continued to approach.

Ceres Victoria came into view down the dim corridor, looking tired and worn.  When she noticed Integra standing at the hall she slowed, “My Master’s Master?  Are you looking for me?”

“How did the assignment go?” Integra asked, ignoring the question.

Ceres didn’t notice the evasion and instead sighed wearily, “It took a little time, but I cleared a shot and the target was silenced without any additional human casualties.  I’m exhausted, I’m going to eat and then go to bed.”  She raised the cold blood bag she gripped for emphasis.

“Good day,” Integra said, stepping to the side so that Ceres could make her way to her room.

Ceres walked past her slowly, hesitated, giving Integra a confused look, then continued on.

Integra almost considered retreat.  ‘Never,’ she thought, continuing toward her destination.  Who cared if Ceres suspected, who cared if everyone found out, no one could make her blush... besides, Integra didn’t allow herself to blush.  But no one would find out, they could suspect or joke, but she was the Virgin Queen, no amount of suspicion could take away a nickname like that, not with the life Integra had led.

Unless they changed it to Vampire Queen.  Integra suppressed a shudder; she did employ two vampires, after all.

‘Enough.’

Integra walked to the end of the hall, to the last door, Alucard’s door.  The room where they had first met, where he’d tasted blood again, hers, and where he’d saved her life.

Gripping the knob, Integra felt him.  He was inside, waiting, as if he expecting her.  Hell, for all she knew he’d been watching from the shadows and following her around the whole time.

Without knocking, she entered, closing the door behind her with a soft click.

Alucard sat in one of the wall indents, his legs stretched out onto the floor, ankles crossed, his hands clasped casually behind his head.  Integra stood before the door, arms folded under her chest, chin slightly down to peer at him over the top of her lenses.

“Master.”

“Alucard.”

He smiled slowly, head tipped back.

Integra glared at him, “Do you know why I’m here?”

Alucard’s smile became a grin, “No, is there a mission for me?  I heard the police girl return…”

“Yes, I have a task for you.”  Integra ignored his deliberate mention of his chesty servant, “The rules are as follows:  One, you do not tease me, trying to embarrass me will only result in my shooting you and I do hate to waste bullets on you.  Two, you do exactly what I say, when I say it.  Three, my blood is not to flow, you bite, I shoot.”

“I never thought that rule was ever ineffective as long as you were alive.”

“Don’t be smart, and fourth, there will be no light in the room at all while I am without clothes.”

“Without clothes?”

Integra reached for her gun, “I consider coy questions to be teasing.”

Alucard spread his hands in an apologetic way, “Am I not allowed to be surprised in the least?”

“I wasn’t aware I could surprise you, especially since you can no longer surprise me by materializing from the ceiling.”

Alucard stood, “I still remember the first time I appeared in your mirror…what were you, fourteen?”

“There hasn’t been a mirror in my room since.  One is supposed to look at a mirror, not the other way around, especially not with thirty eyes.”

Alucard made his way to the only lamp in the room and lifted the glass that housed the dim flame.

“Any other rules, before we begin?”  The light flickered as he spoke.

“Yes, you are to remain in solid body form, no demon dogs, no eyes.”

“Don’t you have some qualms about sex, a vow or something to that effect?”

Integra smiled dryly, eyelids lowered, “You’re confusing knight with nun.”

“Am I allowed to ask questions once we get started?”

“As long as you aren’t questioning orders,” Integra removed her suit jacket and draped it over the back of a chair.

“Why the change in heart, I’ve offered you this for years, since you were of age, by human standards.”

Integra unclasped her cross tie tack and loosened the knot, “I believe your offer involved making me a vampire.  Also, this has nothing to do with my heart.  I am a woman, in spite of what some may think, and as such I have needs.”

“You need me?”

“No, you’re just convenient.”

Alucard laughed and it bounced off the walls, tingling over Integra’s skin as she laid her tie across her jacket lapel.

“You are so blunt sometimes, and it is a virtue, but is this right, a fling between co-workers?”

“We are not co-workers.”

“Master and servant then,” Alucard slipped his red coat off his shoulders and let it slide to the floor.

“Are you insinuating that I am forcing you to have sex with me?”

“No, you knew what my response would be to such an order, and you even took precautions,” Alucard motioned to the gun holster Integra was unbuckling.

Integra stood in her shirt and slacks, watching Alucard unbutton his shirt, slowly.

“Hurry up, Alucard.”

“So anxious,” he said, dropping his shirt on his coat, “what, no foreplay?”

“This is not a love-making fantasy.  No games, no playing, just sex, now hurry up.”

The vampire grinned, biting the tip of his finger and pulling his glove off with his teeth.

It wasn’t anxiety, or at least, not the way he meant.  Integra wondered for a moment whether he was completely human looking… everywhere.  If he wasn’t then the whole thing was off, it was not cowardice, just a matter of taste.

“I’m insulted; you didn’t even watch me strip…”

Integra came out of space to see Alucard standing wearing nothing but a grin and his glasses; his hat was lying on the table next to the lamp.  His hair fell loose around him like a wild living thing, if one looked it almost seemed to move on its own, as if some unfelt wind moved just his hair.  He removed the shades and watched her look at him.

Integra slipped her glasses from her nose and into the pocket of her discarded jacket, “Blow out the lamp.”

“As you wish,” Alucard laughed, and the flame blew out, “You do realize that I will see you even in the dark.”

“It gives me the illusion of anonymity,” Integra said, unbuttoning her shirt and tugging it from her waistband.  She was not embarrassed by her femininity, but her bust was something she chose to hide.  Her masculine style suits reduced their appearance thankfully, as did the wonderfully supportive bra she’d taken to wearing.  She unhooked the bra and let it fall to her shirt on the seat of the chair.  Boots, pants, and knickers came off and she was naked as well.

“White cotton, I must admit I am surprised.”

“What did you expect?”

“A chastity belt, perhaps.”

Integra could hear the grin on his face, “That’s teasing.”

“And yet you’ve already taken off your gun…  Am I allowed to touch you?”

“I don’t think it’s possible to do this without touching, Alucard.”

“I am merely learning your ways, Master,” Alucard’s voice floated closer, “Will one time quench your need forever?”

“No, that reminds me,” Integra found her pants and dug into the pocket, “come here so I can put this on you.”

“You don’t trust me to put it on myself,” Alucard whispered next to her ear.

Integra tore the packet and felt around for Alucard, “Of course not, it would amuse you to get me pregnant, scary Hellsing vampire killer knocked up by her vampire servant.”

“The Hellsing blood line will need an heir,” Alucard laughed softly as she fitted the condom(*) over him.

“The Hellsing line must continue, however, it will not be tainted by a vampire.”

“Oh Master, how can I resist you when you whisper such sweet nothings in my ear?”

“Enough.”

“A kiss?”

“Why?”

“One, Master.”

“Fine.”

Alucard’s lips pressed to Integra’s a moment before his arms locked behind her back, pressing her full length against him.  Too much at once, Integra had still been deciding on her first command.  Alucard picked her up easily and Integra was on her back on the bed before she could think another thought.

“No,” she said sharply.

“What?”

“I am going to be on top,” she said, sitting up as he moved off of her.

Alucard sighed, exasperated, “Can’t even let me be in control for a second, can you?”

“I don’t trust you to be in control, I am Master here.”

Alucard lay down on his back and Integra straddled his legs, positioned herself over him and lowered herself carefully until he was fully sheathed.

“May I call you Integra when we’re like this?”

“Why,” she asked breathily.

“Because saying ‘Sir Integra’ doesn’t sound right at a time like this.”

“Have you ever had sex with a man?”

“Do you really want to discuss that right now?”

“No, and if I ever ask again remind me that I don’t want to know your personal business.”

“Then is Integra all right?  I could just call you Master,” his voice lowered dramatically, “do you want me to call you Master?”

That sounded really kinky considering the position and she’d said no games.

“Integra is fine,” she told him and began to move.

Alucard’s hands gripped her hips and helped the motion.  Integra arched her back, leaning over his chest, her breasts teasing at his skin, her hair cascading down, mingling with his own.  Her hands tangled in both their hair and she found the sensation erotic.

There was so much he wanted to show her, so much he could show her, if only she’d let him be in control for a few moments, he’d make her forget everything.  Alucard’s lips nibbled down her shoulder and she increased her movement.  He could wait; he could be patient, this time and the next.  But soon, he’d show her what it could really be like between them.

His hands slid up over her body, gripped her shoulders and pulled her down against him all the way.  Faintly, Integra moaned once.  She had the fleeting thought that she refused to scream before her back bowed, almost causing her to cry out in spite of her control.

Her lips found him and she clamped onto his shoulder, restraining from any other sounds until they climaxed simultaneously—shocking both their systems—and she collapsed on top of Alucard, gasping for air.

He rolled to his side, holding her against him, trying to catch his own breath.

She allowed it for a moment since her bones appeared to have melted and walking seemed out of the question.

He touched his shoulder, sliding his finger over an almost perfect imprint of her dental record, “You said no teeth.”

Integra cleared her throat to assure herself she wouldn’t rasp, “I said you weren’t allowed to bite me.”

“So specific, and yet so hypocritical,” he chuckled, rolling onto his back.

The coffin bed lid lowered and Integra stilled.

“Alucard,” she warned.

The lid rose again without a comment and Integra walked toward her clothes to dress.

“Why don’t you just stay here,” Alucard asked, watching her in the dark.

“We are not going to cuddle and kiss as if we were in a relationship.  This is just sex and just between us, understand?”

“Good enough to fuck but not good enough to go public with it.”

“Exactly.”

“When you need help it’s my name you cry out.”

She stopped, rotated her shoulders and continued toward her clothes.

Even in the pitch blackness of the room Integra dressed quickly, not a wrinkle in her suit, tie perfect, cross strait.  She smoothed her hair down and buttoned her cuffs.

Integra fished her lighter from her pocket, lighting the lamp and then the tip of her cigar.

“It’s said that after good sex you have a cigarette,” Alucard said watching her, “does a cigar mean great sex?”

She ignored the question, “I have business later today, I need sleep and to be in my own bed when my breakfast tray comes.”

“Of course.”

“Good day, Alucard.”

“Master,” he nodded.

Integra nodded in return and left his chamber, trailing the musky smoke from her cigar to mingle in the air with the scent of sex.

________________________________________________

(*)  Ivy speaks:  A word about the little condom scene.  No, I am not some safe-sex freak, I know it's a story.  I got a lot of crap for having it in the first version, but I didn't put it in there to remind you all to use condoms or contraceptives, I put it in because I liked the conversation they had around it.  It fit the scene, at least, I felt it did.  So if it pissed you off that I put a condom in a fanfic, tough.

Also, I have been told time and again that vampires are dead, therefore their sperm is dead, therefore they don't need birth control.  Wake up and get out more.  This is not Bram Stoker's Dracula, this is an anime.  In Vampire Hunter D, vampire mate with their own kind to reproduce pure bloods, with humans to spawn Dunpeals. 

Go sci-fi, in the Anita Blake books by Laurell K. Hamilton, she uses condoms.  Or comic books for that matter. 

In Blade, there are pure bloods and those who are merely bitten.  It's all about the way you want to write it when the anime doesn't specify.

__________________________________________________

So, how'd you like this new version?  Compliments and constructive criticisms are adored, even begged for.  Flames laughed at.

Thanks for reading, Dark Mistress Ivy

I'm not evil... just dark.

Hellsing Home                             Fanfiction Home