"As to the Adjective: When in doubt, strike it out."

"You should never do anything wicked and lay it on your brother, when it is just as convenient to lay it on some other boy."

"When I reflect upon the number of disagreeable people who I know have gone to a better world, I am moved to lead a different life."

"You can't reach old age by another man's road. My habits protect my life but they would assassinate you."

"Although Smith, Jones, and Johnson are easy names to remember when there is no occasion to remember them, it is next to impossible to recollect them when they are wanted. How do criminals manage to keep a brand-new alias in mind? This is a great mystery."

"When angry count four; when very angry, swear."

"It is just like man's vanity and impertinence to call an animal dumb because it is dumb to his dull perceptions."

"I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know."

"I have been an author for 20 years and an ass for 55."

"Balloon: thing to take meteoric observations and commit suicide with."

"Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she had laid an asteroid."

"The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that procession but carrying a banner."

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