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LCARS
Library Computer Access and Retrieval System
8 Easy Steps for Building a Brick Dream House
Shawn Thornburg
Step 1. Find a plot of land big enough to hold your new dream house.
When building a house of any kind, many decisions must be pondered and finalized: material used for construction (in this case brick), number of people in residence, amount of entertainment space used (which pertains to amount of projected in-house time), number of stories, style of house (i.e. Victorian, earthen, cabin, New England, medieval, Dutch, lean-to, et al.), location, location, location, etc. For the purpose of providing a list of effective building steps, let us say that the dream house in question is a one-person, single-story, brick Victorian dwelling in northeastern Oregon, and has a high projected in-house time (and, thus, a large entertainment space). This will require a fairly large plot of land�70 x 30 feet; perhaps this seems like a large space for one resident, but the dream entertainment center will take up half of this space, at least. Also, check with the city, state, or national government to make sure the plot of land is zoned for residential buildings, as eviction would not be welcome.
Step 2. Hire a contractor to lay a foundation for you.
With the dream house�s dimensions settled and a dream location found, a contractor can now be hired to commence construction of the foundation. This step is taken assuming that you, the reader, know nothing of erecting a foundation and need a so-educated individual to perform the task for you. (If you are a so-educated individual, drop these instructions and step away from the contractor�s office.) Make doubly sure that the contractor has the correct dimensions of your house; if the foundation is larger or smaller than what is needed, the house will look�simply put�dumb, or will fall down, respectively.
Step 3. Hire a carpenter to build a frame for you.
Now, foundation in place�and correctly measured�a carpenter can be hired to build a frame for the dream house; again, this step is taken assuming that you are ill educated in these matters. (Warning: if your intention is to assemble the house�s skeleton from metal or any material other than wood, you are strongly advised to select someone other than a carpenter.) Your wooden frame, keep in mind, needs insulation (you don�t want to freeze); your nearest home improvement store should carry insulation strips, and, though they have experienced professionals who are willing to install the insulation for you, you are encouraged to do at least something for yourself.
Step 4. Hire an electrician to wire electricity for you.
Unless you are content with an outhouse and cooking over an open fire, your dream house needs lights and power. If you installed the insulation yourself, you might feel the urge to do more on your own; subdue this desire at all costs because it has a very high cost if done wrong�your life. You should call an electrician; however, it is best to wait until after the frame is raised�one cannot attach electrical wires and power cables to thin air. Keep in mind that the dream entertainment system will require numerous electrical outlets in a single room. Make sure the electrician wires the correct number of outlets in the correct places; if the dream TV�s cord, for example, cannot reach one of the outlets from its position in the dream entertainment system, chaos may ensue.
Step 5. Hire a mason to lay the bricks for you.
This is undoubtedly the key step to building a brick dream house; without bricks comprising the exterior of the building, the label �brick� simply could not be attached to the structure, nor could these instructions have any use for a mason. Since the frame by this time is finished, insulated, and wired, a mason can be hired to lay your dream bricks. If you have no bricks in mind, there is, thanks to modern artistic advancement, a sizeable selection of brick styles to choose from, and the mason should have a catalogue�pick the style that best suits your vision of your dream house.
Step 6. Hire an interior designer to decorate your house for you.
This step occurs after the interior wall coverings have been erected, and is only for those who have little or no artistic abilities. This is the ideal time to have the dream entertainment center shipped (be certain to leave room on your street for the fourteen semi trucks to park while the product is unloaded, which will take approximately five to eight days�leave your calendar open accordingly).
Step 7. Hire a debt management company to consolidate all of your bills.
Unless your last name is Gates, Perot, or Trump, you will need to spend the next fifty years of your life working off the bills you�ve accumulated. Fortunately, through the miracle of debt management companies, your bills can be consolidated into one arm-and-leg monthly payment; the company will confront the persons whom you owe and let them know how everything will go down. Generally, debt managers with the last name Barbarino or Soprano are most effective at removing outstanding balances.
Step 8. Hire a lawyer (or let the court appoint one) to defend you when you�re sued for all you�re worth by the contractor, carpenter, mason, interior designer, home entertainment company, and debt management company because you tried to flee the country when you discovered you had only a millionth of the amount of money required to build your brick dream house.
This step really needs no explanation.
Step 9. Wake up and go to work; your alarm�s buzzing and it�s waking up your grumpy neighbors.
  
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