Dario Fo - La Signora è da Buttare - THE LADY'S FOR CHUCKING

THE LADY'S FOR CHUCKING

[ “La Signora è da Buttare” ]

by Dario Fo

translated by Ed Emery

[Please note: This is the first part of a draft translation. For reference only. Please do not copy or circulate.]

All rights reserved. This text shall not by way of trade or otherwise be copied, reproduced or recorded in a retrieval system. Nor shall it be lent, resold, hire out or otherwise circulated without the owners' specific written consent.

For performance rights, please contact:

ed.emery [@] britishlibrary.net

Please be aware that this translation can only be performed with explicit permission in writing from the agency representing Dario Fo and Franca Rame, the Danese-Tolnay agency in Rome.

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THE LADY'S FOR CHUCKING

[ “La Signora è da Buttare” ]

by Dario Fo

translated by Ed Emery

CHARACTERS

Franca

Dario

Ezio

Alberto

Valerio

Romano

Arturo

Secondo

Bob

Three Girls

Oscar and his friends in the Orchestra

ACT ONE

Low-key lighting. We are in a circus big top, with a single central ring. There are central pylons from which hang the ropes and rope ladder for a trapeze. The back end of a nineteenth-century caravan peeks out from the right, and serves as one of the wings. Inthe ring, to the left, is a large monumental bed, with curtains and slender columns at each of its four corners, topped by a baroque cherub. On one of the columns, in place of the missing angel*is a large gilded funnel.

On the front bar which joins the angel to the funnel sits CLOWN CHARLIE, reading a pornographic magazine. The curtains of the bed are lowered, but inside it is possible to see an old lady, assopita, among a considerable number of cushions. On a platform at the back of the stage is a pop orchestra which will play during the show, passing musical comment on the action. At the start of the show they are playing bluesstyle sequences. In the centre of the stage, front of stage, is a large white refrigerator. Enter from stage right the CLOWNS, as if in procession: DARIO, EZIO, ALBERTO, VALERIO, ROMANO, ARTURO and SECONDO.

CLOWN DARIO is playing the blues, blowing into an enormous sousaphone* in the coils of which he is completely caught up. The other CLOWNS beat time by banging with drumsticks on various objects: a bottle, a saucepan, a big bell and various plastic containers.

In the text that follows the various roles will be accompanied by a name (Dario, Bob, Secondo, Franca etc) to indicate where it is possible for one actor to perform several different characters.

Some of the actors are proper clowns; the others trained to be clowns, training for some months on the trapeze (in the case of Franca), with musical instruments, equipment, gymnastics,* walks, and particularly the use of the voice: falsetto,s, sgarrate, etc.

The idea is not to perform the clown parts merely through imitation, but through an epic reinvention tending towards the creation of characters. And precisely in order to realise an authentic role as characters (and not of literary personages), the actors will have no make-up on their faces, and the costumes will the traditional motley, but completely reinvented compared with traditional circus clown outfits. In short, everything must be allusive and not naturalistic or imitative. What will represent the characters here, more than costumes, make-up and other customary clown effects, will be gesture, vocal rhythm, walks, and particularly the on-stage situation.

CLOWNS: [In chorus, with forced voices, blues-style, and with a very disarticulated walk] In the beginning there was nothing!

CLOWN VALERIO: There were no detergents or frozen foods. There weren't even Green Shield stamps or reward cards!

CLOWNS: [In chorus] In the beginning there was nothing!

CLOWN VALERIO: [Mystically] Then came the refrigerator!

The refrigerator is lit by a spotlight. Enter the ICE CREAM CLOWN (Bob), pushing his ice cream cart. He ignores the refrigerator as he passes it.

ICE CREAM CLOWN: [Shouting] Ice cream! Ice cream!

OFFICIATING CLOWN DARIO: [Stopping him] I mean to say! [He points to the refrigerator] You could at least remove your hat when you're passing in front of it, eh?

ICE CREAM CLOWN: Why? I'm not a believer!

OFFICIATING CLOWN: [Dumbfounded] You don't believe in the refrigerator?!

ICE CREAM CLOWN: No! And not in the washing machine either!

OFFICIATING CLOWN: An atheist?!

CLOWNS: [In chorus] Oh! Poor chap...!

The OFFICIATING CLOWN rings a small handbell. They all go down on their knees.

ICE CREAM CLOWN: What's happening?

OFFICIATING CLOWN: [Pointing to the refigerator] Shush! It's making ice! [A pause] Maybe!

CLOWNS: [In chorus] Faith! Have faith! Have faith! Oh, what faith!

The OFFICIATING CLOWN opens the refrigerator, bends over and opens the door to the freezer compartment, all with priestlike gestures.

OFFICIATING CLOWN: [Turning to the audience, with his arms flung open] It's done it! A miracle!! It's made ice!!!

CLOWNS: [In chorus] Oh! Thank you!* It's made it! Wa-hey!

CLOWN VALERIO: In cubes or balls?

OFFICIATING CLOWN: In balls!

CLOWNS: [In chorus] Ohoooo! [The ice balls are tipped into a bowl. Then as if in a ritual offering, each clown gives the OFFICIATING CLOWN the gift which he has in his hands - bottles of milk - bottles of milk, pudding moulds,* egg basskets etc. With priestly gestures the OFFICIATING CLOWN places them all in the refrigerator] Preserve us our proteins! Preserve them from mould and coagulation!

The OFFICIATING CLOWN closes the fridge again and, blowing excitedly into the huge sousaphone, embarks on a frantic jazz rhythm. Dancing and carrying the refrigerator with them, the CLOWNS exit to the right. CLOWN

DARIO remains onstage and performs a brief solo on the sousaphone. From the left, a NURSE enters and stops by the bed.

CLOWN DARIO: [Abandoning his role as OFFICIATING CLOWN and handing her the sousaphone] How's she doing?

He peers between the curtains of the bed. NURSE: She's having difficulty breathing. She exits stage left, with the sousaphone.

CLOWN DARIO: We'll soon sort that out. [He shouts towards the wings, stage-right] Oxygen, oxygen for the lady!

Enter CLOWN ARTURO, carrying with some difficulty a silverpainted gas cylinder.

CLOWN ARTURO: here we are, fresh oxygen for the lady!

He places the gas bottle front-stage, in the centre.

CLOWN DARIO: Very good, carry it over there next to the bed!

CLOWN ARTURO: Very good, carry it over yourself!

He exits, stage right.

CLOWN DARIO: I don't need to carry it, though, because I've got an extension tube which will get there just the same, without having to carry the thing. [From behind the trolley he takes a tube about six feet in length. He fixes one end of it to the gas cylinder as he speaks] There we are, I fix the end of the requisite rubber extension here, and just carry the other end over to the bed. The wonders of technology. [He does as he says, and, obviously, after six feet, the tube detaches itself from the gas bottle. CLOWN DARIO does not notice, and continues walking towards the bed, carrying the tube and announcing:] Oxygen for the lady!

Enter CLOWN FRANCA, who is an enormous "fat girl" This is achieved by having a complete outfit of foam rubber covering her body. She seems to weigh about a ton.

FRANCA: Help! Help!

She collides violently with CLOWN DARIO, who almost falls over.

CLOWN DARIO: I say, didn't you know that it's against the law to drive without bumpers... [FRANCA comes over to him] Brakes! Brakes!

FRANCA: Sorry I crashed into you like that, sir! But I'm so nervous, you know!

CLOWN DARIO: Why?

FRANCA: He keeps following me around, sir.

CLOWN DARIO: Who?

FRANCA: A man.

CLOWN DARIO: [Having given her a close looking-over] Obviously a mental defective!

FRANCA: A naked man, sir. With shoes on.

CLOWN DARIO: A naked man? Interesting... And where is he?

FRANCA: [Pointing into the wings, stage right, behind the caravan] There, there.

CLOWN DARIO: I don't see any naked man, let alone shoes.

FRANCA: [Amazed] you can't see him?

CLOWN DARIO: I can't see him.

FRANCA: Actually, you can't see him. Only I can see him. This naked man is nothing more or less than a part of my dream complexes.

CLOWN DARIO: Of your complexes? More and more interesting! Maybe a serious reduction in your daily intakes of hallucinogenics might help! On drugs, eh, little one?!

He heads towards the trolley, from the wall of which he unhooks coiled rubber tubes. He puts them on his shoulder and begins to unroll them with the intention with the intention of connecting them to the oxygen bottle, and then reaching the bed.

FRANCA: A serious reduction in...? No, I can't.

CLOWN DARIO: Why?

FRANCA: Without hallucinogens, I see myself as fat, enormous, sir.

CLOWN DARIO: [Feigning incredulity] No?!

FRANCA: And I just want to die. As soon as I take a pill, I see myself as slim. I get slimmer, leaner, compact... A slip of a thing...!

CLOWN DARIO: The wonders of pharmacology!

FRANCA: And when I'm all slim, he turns up, the naked man, with the shoes.

CLOWN DARIO: Excuse me, dear... but what worries you more, the naked man, or his shoes?

FRANCA: Both.

CLOWN DARIO: But you shouldn't torment yourself like this... We're all in the same boat, we all have our obsessions.

FRANCA: You too, sir?

CLOWN DARIO: [Indignantly] And why not me? Do you take me for a freak? Certainly, me too, I see certain things...!

FRANCA: What things?

CLOWN DARIO: Horrible things! But the most horrible of all is the phantasm of the snake.

FRANCA: Of the snake? Oh mamma!

CLOWN DARIO: Every object that has more or less a tube shape becomes a snake for me. This tube for the oxygen, for example... is a snake! There, you see...? No...! Stop that...! [He waves the tube with one hand, giving the impression that it is a snake on the verge of escaping from his grip. Then he calms it and strokes it, like a snake charmer] There, there.... Good boy...

FRANCA: And despite all that, you keep it with you, and you touch it, how can you do that?

CLOWN DARIO: I went back to basics. I tried to understand snakes. I made a load of friends in the snake world. And now I'm even well-disposed towards oxygen tubes.

FRANCA: That's marvellous!

While CLOWN DARIO is speaking, the tube wraps itself all round his body and up as far as his neck. Suddenly the tube becomes a boa constrictor trying to strangle him.

CLOWN DARIO: No! Stop that! Wretch! Help! It's strangling me!

FRANCA: What's happening?

CLOWN DARIO: I stroked it up the wrong way.

He pulls out the pistol and fires in the snake's mouth. The tube lies on the floor as if dead.

FRANCA: You've killed the tube!

CLOWN DARIO: That's the seventh one this week! You need a rod of iron to deal with your own fantasies. Otherwise they get the better of you!

FRANCA: How right you are, sir! I'll do the same as you. I'll try and make friends with my fantasies. I'll try to love naked men with shoes...

CLOWN DARIO: A word of advice. It might be better to begin with those without shoes, it's be easier.

FRANCA: Yes. [She sees that CLOWN DARIO is fiddling with the gas cylinder] What are you doing now?

CLOWN DARIO: Oxygen for the old lady.

FRANCA: Oxygen for the old lady?

[The following gag is based on a pun which works in Italian, but probably won't work in English, ref. peroxide bleaching.]

CLOWN DARIO: Yes, oxygen for the old lady.

FRANCA: You think she'd look better blonde?

CLOWN DARIO: But no! It's only that she'd finding it hard to breathe!

FRANCA: Will she find it easier with her hair bleached?

CLOWN DARIO: Stupid, don't you see, the old lady's about to die.

FRANCA: She's about to die? And at death's door she decides that she wants to be blonde? This old lady's going a bit far. I want to see her!

She heads towards the bed.

CLOWN DARIO stops her and threatens her with the tube.

CLOWN DARIO: Get out, get out, or I'll have you eaten alive... By the tube!

FRANCA: [Unhappily] I'm going, I'm going, sir. I'm disappearing... [But as she is going out she sees a huge pair of shoes, centre-stage] Waaaaah! There he is!

She turns back in fright.

CLOWN DARIO: What's that, who's there?

FRANCA: He's come back. I knew it!

CLOWN DARIO: Who?

FRANCA: Him! The naked man with the shoes.

CLOWN DARIO: But no! Those shoes have been there since this morning. They're also lucky that a traffic warden hasn't been by. They're on a double yellow line!

FRANCA: Can't you see the naked man that's in them?

CLOWN DARIO: So you should try to imagine him as being young, delicate, fearful, needing understanding and affection...

FRANCA: I've always dreamed of having someone to who I could give my affection!

She puts her hands over her eyes.

CLOWN DARIO: Well, go to him, get closer, go on.

FRANCA: [Still keeping her hands shyly over her eyes] What colour hair does he have, blonde or brown?

CLOWN DARIO: Changing.

FRANCA: I've never seen a man with changing hair colour.

CLOWN DARIO: All naked men have changing hair colour.

FRANCA: And do you think that he'll like me, dressed like this?

She points to her mini-skirt, which reveals two enormous thighs, and associated fleshy buttocks.

CLOWN DARIO: Of course, he's very broad-minded, you know.

FRANCA: Do you think his intentions are serious?

CLOWN DARIO: That's the reason why he's naked!

FRANCA: How happy I am! [She peers out, fascinated] And how good-looking he is! You were right to insist that I look at him.

CLOWN DARIO: Really?

FRANCA: His mouth is strong, with good lines. And the pure line of his nose. What lovely ears, small!! [She lowers her gaze, scandalised] Oh dear, but how naked he is. [She takes refuge in CLOWN DARIO's arms] No, I can't do it, I can't!

CLOWN DARIO: [He calms her down and then accompanies her towards the NAKED MAN again] But you will never get better if you react like that. To start with, close your eyes, and now I'll teach you how one behaves with a naked man... Close your eyes... and take his hand. [He makes her take an imaginary hand] Perfect. Now take him away with you. There you go, well done, gently, keep your eyes shut, watch out for the poles.

FRANCA begins to walk, and the shoes follow her, step for step, manouevred on nylon threads.

FRANCA: [In wonder] It works! It really works! [To the NAKED MAN] And you, don't do like the last time, eh! Understand...? Don't be vulgar! Tearing my clothes off me just like that. First you have to hold a bit of conversation, no? [She jumps and lets out a scream] Aaaaah!

CLOWN DARIO: What did he do?

FRANCA: He pinched my bottom! Dirty pig!

She gives a backhander* to the imaginary NAKED MAN. The shoes give a leap, and literally fly into the wings. FRANCA exits indignantly.

CLOWN DARIO remains bemused for a moment, and them resumes fiddling with the tubes. Finally he succeeds in connecting all the tubes to the gas cylinder. But he still can't reach the bed. Finally he runs into the NURSE and lets out a shriek.

CLOWN DARIO: Waaaaah! What a nightmare!

NURSE: What's the matter?

CLOWN DARIO: I'm sorry, I saw you naked! [He resumes fiddling] Beastly wretched tube! I'll never do it. The only thing is to push the bed towards the gas bottle. [He tries in vain to push the bed. He realises that CLOWN CHARLIE is sitting on top of it] I say! If you stay sitting with all your weight up there, this bed will never move! [The CLOWN stands up on the bar. CLOWN DARIO pushes again, and this time the bed moves] Oh, thanks. That's better. It's much lighter!

We hear a violent banging on the window of the caravan. The window opens and we see a vulture, obviously stuffed. It is flapping its wings. Enter CLOWN BOB.

CLOWN BOB: There's the vulture again!

He points to the vulture, which spreads its wings in the classic stance of the American eagle. Enter other CLOWNS, who watch what is going on.

CLOWN DARIO: [Going towards the caravan] Go away, you horrible beast! Ugly brute! Your food's not ready yet... The old lady's not dead yet... And even if she'd already been dead for a week and was all nicely rotted, we wouldn't give you even a taste... It's all reserved for the hyena, OK?

We hear the voice of the OLD LADY (FRANCA) from behind the curtain.

OLD LADY: Who's that, who's well rotted?

The telephone hanging from the caravan rings. The NURSE talks into the oxygen tube. CLOWN DARIO answers the phone.

NURSE: Hello, who's the cretin who's making all that din?

CLOWN DARIO: I'm the cretin. The racket's over.

NURSE: You've managed to wake the Lady.

CLOWN DARIO: It wasn't me, it was the culture, the brute. [He turns to the vulture] But now I'll make you pay for that. Goodbye. [He hangs up the tube and goes decisively over to the caravan. He goes in. The vulture goes back in from the window, and we see a violent struggle between CLOWN DARIO and the vulture] Come here, my beauty... I need to speak to you... Ah, so you want a fight, eh? Ouch, you pecked me! But I'll pull out all your feathers, you know! Just like that... All your feathers out of your backside... And then you'll get a cold in your bottom... and you'll die!

Screeching and squawking from the vulture. CLOWN DARIO emerges from the caravan fanning himself with a fan of feathers.

OLD LADY: [In a small voice] Who's that crying? Who's making my animals cry?

NURSE: It's nothing, madame! Don't worry yourself, sleep, sleep. Shush, now.

She sings a bit of a lullaby.

CLOWNS: [In chorus] Shush-di-shush-di-shush...

The CLOWNS gather, centre stage, and hang out. Preceded by a loud hooting, a

{To be completed]