ONE WAS NUDE

AND ONE WORE TAILS

A one-act farce by Dario Fo

translated by Ed Emery

 

_________________________________________

For all queries regarding performance rights, please contact

Agenzia Tolnay : info [@] tolnayagency.it

For all queries regarding the text, please contact the translator at:

ed.emery [@]thefreeuniversity.net

Original text copyright Dario Fo

Translation copyright Ed Emery

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ONE WAS NUDE AND ONE WORE TAILS

 

CHARACTERS:

First Road Sweeper

Second Road Sweeper

Woman

Naked Man Park Keeper

Man in Evening Dress.

 

SCENE:

We find ourselves in a street on the outskirts of town. A couple of lamp posts, a withered hedge, a dilapidated park bench, a newsvendors kiosk (which is closed) and a trestle with a sign indicating road works.

Enter several ROADSWEEPERS, pushing their carts. They sing in unison:

The wise man sleeps on a bed of wool,

The lazy man sleeps on a bed of feathers.

The rheumatic sleeps on wood,

And the rogue on a pretty girls breast.

At night we clean the streets,

The long avenues, dirtied during the day.

Dead leaves, deformed by the frost,

Or by the doings of a dirty dog;

We pick up litter and rags,

And dogends walked on and flattened,

Before, by the sad vagaries of fate,

They all end up blocking the drains.

Sometimes we find a thousand-lire note.

Hell, but its one of the old ones... not worth a thing,

So we stick it on the bonfire.

But then we are seized with remorse,

And we give it to a blind beggar.

 

Exit the ROADSWEEPERS. Only two remain on stage. They talk quietly for a while. Then one of them raises his voice:

FIRST SWEEPER: Listen, you know what I say? I say that its best to speak the truth, and have done with it. At least, thats the way I see it...

SECOND SWEEPER: Ah, yes, the truth, you say... And what is the truth? You will tell me that the true is the opposite of the false... Correct. So, now tell me: what is false and what is true? Is that which is true true, or is that which is false true? Thus, if the true and the false are one and the same... [The FIRST SWEEPER moves away, irritated] ... Hey, wait, why are you running off in such a hurry?

FIRST SWEEPER: Because I want to be on my own... thats why.

SECOND SWEEPER: I say... You wouldnt happen to be angry with me, would you?

FIRST SWEEPER: Who said anything about angry... ? The fact is, I am sick of hanging around here giving myself a headache with your speeches every night. You rave on with your mad theories, and then it starts me thinking. Ive already told you that thinking gives me a pain right here. [Pointing to his forehead]

SECOND SWEEPER: Thats because youre not trained for it... The brain is a muscle, and when it is not subjected to regular strenuous exercise...

FIRST SWEEPER: Oh yes, brilliant! You know what? I bet, if I start exercising my brain muscle strenuously, afterwards, I guarantee Ill get brain strain... Wonderful!

SECOND SWEEPER: [Amused] Brain strain! Ha, ha! I like that!

FIRST SWEEPER: Thats right. And whats more, I dont understand why you, with your well-trained muscle, and with all your education, still carry on working as a roadsweeper.

SECOND SWEEPER: Because for me, being a roadsweeper is not a job, but a mission...

FIRST SWEEPER: Here we go again, more crazy notions!

SECOND SWEEPER: Not at all. Sensible, if anything. To start with: what is the most important thing in life? Answer me that!

FIRST SWEEPER: Well, I should say its that a person should have good health and happiness...

SECOND SWEEPER: ... That way he can reach true happiness?

FIRST SWEEPER: Yes, and then if he doesnt give a damn for anything or anyone... thats even better.

SECOND SWEEPER: There you go! Well done. I have to admit that I was mistaken about you. Youre not really as stupid as you look. Thats exactly correct: in order to be truly happy, one must raise oneself above the lifes wretched vicissitudes, forget ones own ambitions, suppress ones feelings and passions...

FIRST SWEEPER: Not give a damn! Exactly! But thats easier said than done...

SECOND SWEEPER: Ah, indeed, it is not easy... But the means do exist.

FIRST SWEEPER: Like what?

SECOND SWEEPER: Have you never heard of yoga?

FIRST SWEEPER: Eh? Whats yoga?

SECOND SWEEPER: I have to admit that I was not wrong about you... You really are as stupid as you look. Yoga is an exercise, a psycho-physical discipline, which enables those who practice it to achieve the most absolute sublimation, and thereby reach a state of beatitude, in other words, happiness.

FIRST SWEEPER: Alright... But whats this yoga got to do with being a roadsweeper?

SECOND SWEEPER: Its got a lot to do with it... Basically, its the same principle. What can be more suitable than a roadsweepers life, in order to suppress within us that baggage of arrogance, pride and ambition which prevents us from stripping ourselves of pointless vanities, and going forward, naked but happy, to attain the bliss and ecstasy of the platonic world of ideas?

FIRST SWEEPER: Naked? There, I knew it. Now Im starting to get a headache! What do you mean, naked?

SECOND SWEEPER: Naked! Naked outside, but clothed within, with our spirit clothed...

FIRST SWEEPER: Our spirit clothed! Hey, I like that! Ill have to remember that... But what does it mean?

SECOND SWEEPER: Ill explain it in a couple of words... You, for example: do you see yourself as someone?

FIRST SWEEPER: What a question! Im a roadsweeper... What do you expect me to see myself as... ?

SECOND SWEEPER: Precisely. You dont see yourself as anyone. You see yourself as nobody, in short, a nothingness... But is not nothingness perhaps the beginning of everything, in other words, the absolute? And the absolute, as Plato says, is God, and therefore you are God...

FIRST SWEEPER: Me?

SECOND SWEEPER: Yes, you!

FIRST SWEEPER: Oh come on... Youre just saying that because you like me... But look, when you get to know me better... Ha... ! Theyve been telling you stories about me, and you fell for it.

SECOND SWEEPER: Lucky you, to understand so little! Look... A person could dress you up as absolutely anything: a king, a clown, a soldier, a priest... Stark naked, or in evening dress, you will always be yourself, a roadsweeper. In fact, not even a roadsweeper - a nobody, because you are nobody, and therefore everything...

FIRST SWEEPER: And since everything is God, as Plato says, I am God...

SECOND SWEEPER: Well done! I see that its sinking in at last!

FIRST SWEEPER: Yes, yes, its not so hard really... But tell me, does the Pope know that I am God?

SECOND SWEEPER: The Pope?

[Enter a WOMAN, running. She looks very worried]

WOMAN: Hell... This time Im really done for... Oh, excuse me... Maybe you can help me...

SECOND SWEEPER: Happy to oblige... In what regard might we be of assistance?

WOMAN: They nabbed me... Just as I was negotiating with a client...

FIRST SWEEPER: Who nabbed you?

WOMAN: The Vice Squad. There they are. Theyre coming! Oh, for pitys sake, help me... Do something!

FIRST SWEEPER: Lets hide her in the bin! Theres plenty of room, as long as she squeezes up a bit.

SECOND SWEEPER: Do.it be stupid... Such a good-looking woman... In among all that rubbish... ?!

WOMAN: Thanks for the compliment... But unfortunately the fact that I am good-looking, as you say, isnt going to help me a lot... The Vice Squad dont mess around. They lock you away as soon as look at you. Last time, a gentleman saved me by passing me off as his fiance, but this time...

SECOND SWEEPER: Oh yes, I can just see it! Just imagine if we said that you were our fiance... that would make people laugh... Roadsweepers, as everyone knows, are incapable of love...

FIRST SWEEPER: Yes, one fiance between two... It wouldnt be right... On the other hand, though...

SECOND SWEEPER: Oh yes, how stupid of me... I didnt even think of that...

FIRST SWEEPER: Yes, we could take it in turns... Me first! I thought of it first... !

SECOND SWEEPER: Behave yourself, and take this. [He removes his roadsweepers cape] The caterpillar is transformed into a butterfly; it throws off its old skin and flies. [He tosses his cap and cape into the bin, and then pulls a top-hat from his toolbox] Let us go, my love. Tonight I shall be your protector...

WOMAN: Oh, thank you, youre very kind... And you look like a real gentleman... I really dont know how I can repay you.

SECOND SWEEPER: Dont worry, Im sure we shall find a way. [Theatrically] Cling to me, treasure; Love will save us...

FIRST SWEEPER: Just a moment, before you two start clinging to each other, what am I supposed to do with this bin of yours? I can hardly go round with two bins at the same time, can I! Supposing I run into a supervisor... ?

SECOND SWEEPER: Youre right... What can we do?

FIRST SWEEPER: Well, maybe there is a way: Ill hide my bin behind that little wall, and Ill take yours to the via Alciati depot, and Ill tell the supervisor that you felt ill, and that you had to go off... I wont say who with, though...

SECOND SWEEPER: Well done... Youre divine!

FIRST SWEEPER: Yes, I know, youve already explained that. You dont have to go telling everyone, though... These are delicate matters, you know! Lets go.

WOMAN: Thank you too. Its been a real miracle running into you.

FIRST SWEEPER: There, you see... ? A miracle now! If word of this gets out... Come on, hurry up. Go.

WOMAN: Yes, yes, were going. Goodbye... and thank you again.

The two of them exit, arm in arm. The FIRST SWEEPER follows, wheeling the SECOND SWEEPERs bin.

A few seconds of blackout, to indicate the passage of time.

FIRST SWEEPER: [Re-entering] Hey, lets not start playing tricks... Whos shifted my bin? [The bin, which was on-stage prior to the blackout, has now been shifted behind a hedge] Ah, here it is... Just as well... That gave me a fright... [He starts picking up litter] That would have been a fine thing... A fellow worries about another fellows bin, and in the meantime his own one gets stolen... If I find the rat who shifted it...

He opens the bin lid, and throws in the rubbish that hes collected.

NAKED MAN: [Annoyed, popping up out of the bin] Good God! Mind where youre throwing that rubbish... I suppose you think thats funny.

FIRST SWEEPER: [Not believing his own eyes] Oh, excuse me...

NAKED MAN: [Dusting down the top hat which hes wearing] Excuse me be damned! If you think thats funny... I can assure you that your jokes are in extremely bad taste...

FIRST SWEEPER: Hey, now look, you, youre a bit mad...

NAKED MAN: Ah, so Im mad now, am I? Thats lovely - now you start insulting me into the bargain. And whats to stop you starting to hit me too? Come on, feel free! However, I must warn you that you are about to hit a ... naked man.

FIRST SWEEPER: A naked man? Let me see this naked man.

NAKED MAN: Please, go ahead... [He stands up, to show the top half of his body, which is indeed naked] Thatll do. After all, we hardly know each other! And anyway... dont you think youre going a bit far? Alright, I can imagine that, with your job, accustomed as you are to living among all kinds of filth... Im sure that the sight of anothers, nudity is hardly going to embarass you... But fortunately, in my case, modesty prevents...

FIRST SWEEPER: [Losing his temper] Right, thats quite enough, eh? Either you pack that up, or Ill make you pack it up... ! Ill take my bin, with you in it, and Ill tip the whole lot into the first ditch I find...

NAKED MAN: [Soothingly] Theres no need to get all worked up like that. Come on, calm down...

FIRST SWEEPER: No, my friend... It is you who should calm down... and cut the fooling about... Because I am quite capable of calling a policeman, and then youll be sorry!

NAKED MAN: No, please... I humbly beg your pardon... on my knees... dont turn me in to the police... Because that would be the same as leading me to suicide... Please, dont call the...

FIRST SWEEPER: Alright, I wont call the police... But listen, just so that I know: how on earth did you end up in my bin, and naked into the bargain?

NAKED MAN: I ended up in here precisely because I am naked... I dont have to tell you that if I had been clothed, I wouldnt have come anywhere near your bin.

FIRST SWEEPER: Are you sure you didnt take off your clothes just to see how it felt being naked in a bin, eh?

NAKED MAN: No... I got undressed for quite another reason... the most sublime of reasons... for love... But unfortunately, just as we were getting down to it, HE had to turn up... the husband... just like some third-rate farce.

FIRST SWEEPER: Ha, ha! Just like in the cartoons...

NAKED MAN: Precisely. And in order to avoid reacting in the traditional way, which would have sent me scurrying under the classic bed, or into the even more classic wardrobe, I took my hat, [He points to the black top-hat he is wearing] I gritted my teeth, and went out onto the balcony just as I was...

FIRST SWEEPER: Stark naked, but with a top-hat on your head and your teeth gritted. Forgive my laughing, but things like this make me laugh.

NAKED MAN: Go ahead, go ahead. I wish I could do the same, but, as you can imagine, it is difficult to laugh when one is naked and up to ones neck submerged in filth.

FIRST SWEEPER: Yes, yes, its hard, I know, but all the same, it makes me laugh... Ha, ha.

Anyway, how did it go, how did it go... ? Wait a moment... It was really good... Ah, yes, thats it: [He declaims, imitating his philosopher friend] The important thing is to be naked, but clothed... that is, naked outside, but clothed inside... And since you are inside, obviously, you are clothed...

NAKED MAN: I dont understand.

FIRST SWEEPER: Its philosophy... It would take too long to explain... Im sorry, but Im going to have to continue my round... So I must ask you to get out of my bin, because otherwise there wont be any room for the rubbish.

NAKED MAN: Oh no, please, you wouldnt want to leave me out in the street like this, would you? I mean, it wouldnt be decent! Come on!

FIRST SWEEPER: What do you mean, it wouldnt be decent? So, in your opinion, what am I supposed to do. Supposing I run into a supervisor, what am I supposed to do? Hed probably end up reporting me for unauthorised hire of a vehicle for illicit purposes, or something!

NAKED MAN: If you could just be so kind ... and so understanding... as to take me home...

FIRST SWEEPER: Home? I mean... ! What do you take me for, a taxi?

NAKED MAN: Its not really so very far... And, look, as a token of my appreciation, take this... Ill give you my watch. [He removes it from his wrist] The only thing that Im still wearing, apart from my hat. Take it... its a valuable watch... 18-carat solid gold. [He hands him the watch]

FIRST SWEEPER: [Taking it, embarassed] And you are giving me this valuable, 18-carat, solid gold watch, just for taking you home?

NAKED MAN: Indeed... and I regret having nothing else with which I can demonstrate...

FIRST SWEEPER: Alright, it doesnt matter. Settle down. Where are we going?

NAKED MAN: Via Donini... number 27...

FIRST SWEEPER: 27 via Donini... ? And thats supposed to be not very far? Thats two miles on foot, you know! You can keep your watch, because I dont want trouble... Supposing I run into a supervisor, what am I going to tell him?

NAKED MAN: There you go again with your supervisor... ! Cant you think of anything other than your supervisors? What kind of sons-of-toil mentality is this...? It really is true what they say: once a road-sweeper, always a road-sweeper.

FIRST SWEEPER: Now thengo easy... Who says that, anyway?

NAKED MAN: I say it... And I also say: that people like you make me ashamed of being human... because I can accept anything - cowardice, poverty, ignorance - but not nothingness...

FIRST SWEEPER: Ah yes, nothingness... But, in case you didnt realise it, nothing is everything, and everything is God. And you can say what you like... but hands off my divinity. [At that moment, a NIGHT PATROLMAN appears from the back of the stage. The NAKED MAN sees him, and immediately disappears into his bin. But the SWEEPER, who has his back to the PATROLMAN, continues talking] Because I become an animal, and I dont care who you are...

NAKED MAN: [Hissing at him] Stop it, shut up! Look out... !

FIRST SWEEPER: Stop it? Youre telling me to stop it? [He thumps his fist on the bin-lid, which closes again] Youre the one who should stop it... Dirty old man... First you go flirting with other peoples wives, then you get yourself caught, and then you come and start making fun of people... But Ill sort you out. [He gives the bin a kick] And thank your lucky stars youve got no clothes on - because otherwise... [He bangs his fist on the lid] ... that ugly head of yours... Damn you... [The PATROLMAN behind him cant restrain a laugh] Yes, yes, go ahead, laugh! Ha, ha! But Ill have the last laugh... Enjoy yourself, carry on with your little jokes... When I tip you into the canal, ha, ha, Id like to see how you get on in the water... Ha, ha! Help, help... And down youll go... glug, glug... Like a submarine.

[At this point, the SWEEPER becomes aware of the PATROLMANs presence] Glug... Glug...

He stops for a moment, perplexed, but then continues unperturbed, miming the sinking of a submarine. He sings:

The submarine goes Glug, Glug, Glug

The little fishy too goes Glug, Glug, Glug

And the submarine goes Glug, Glug, Glug.

All together now, Glug... Glug... Glug...

All this is accompanied by a kind of tap dance, which ends with the SWEEPER kicking the bin.

PATROLMAN: Um... Ah... Are you not feeling well?

FIRST SWEEPER: No, no... You see, I was just... well, just passing the time... Glug ... Glug... .

PATROLMAN: So just to pass the time, you start kicking this poor bin? But whats it done to you?

FIRST SWEEPER: Its... well... its made me angry... Its made me... Every now and then, who knows why, bang... it stops... and theres no way to get it moving. Look... You see... its making fun of me... the wretch! [He gives it another kick] But believe me, one of these days... [He gives the bin a push] There you go, you see? [The bin has moved] Now its moving... Its got frightened... because youre here... I tell you... dustcarts are like children... If you dont treat them roughly every once in a while, if you dont shout at them, they end up doing just what they want. They show you no respect, they... [He starts talking to the bin] Come on, get a move on... and dont pull any more stunts... because, if you do, Ill call the Park Keeper again... and Park Keepers are not to be trifled with! Come on, come on, you shout at it too...

PATROLMAN: [Embarassed] Ah, yes, if its all the same with you, I... I... Well, Id better be going... See you...

He gets on his bicycle, and exits rapidly.

FIRST SWEEPER: Yes, yes, see you... [He mops the sweat from his brow, and from inside his hat] Phew! What a terrible five minutes...

NAKED MAN: [Cautiously sticking his head out] Has he gone?

FIRST SWEEPER: Yes, yes... You almost landed me right in it, there... Look, Im all sweating...

NAKED MAN: Well I dont have to tell you what it was like for me... If he had hung about for just one minute longer, I would have died of suffocation...

FIRST SWEEPER: Would that it was true, dear boy!

NAKED MAN: [Leaning out of the bin like a preacher out of his pulpit] Oh, dont be like that... Ive realised it now, you know. You... Theres no point in you pretending to be a hard, heartless person, because youre really very kind... Thank you., thank you for what youve done for me... I assure you that I shall reward your sacrifice, once you get me home.

FIRST SWEEPER: Home? Ah, here we go again... You must be mad if you think that Im taking you home...

NAKED MAN: Well, look, tell me, how much wages do you make in a month?

FIRST SWEEPER: Me? Well... It depends... For example, this month... Wait, Ive got my wage packet... I picked it up today... Here we are... Twenty two thousand and fifty... exactly. Why, whats it to you?

NAKED MAN: Right. Consider it doubled... And Ill throw in my watch too, for good measure.

FIRST SWEEPER: What... ? Youre going to give me your 18carat gold watch, plus twenty two thousand and fifty lire... just for taking you home?!

NAKED MAN: Certainly... As soon as we reach 27 via Donini... you wait downstairs for me a moment, while I go up... Oh, no... no... I cant...

FIRST SWEEPER: What do you mean, I cant? First you say you can and then you say you cant. Make your bloody mind up!

NAKED MAN: But... what did you think I meant? I was just saying that I cant go home in the condition Im in now.

FIRST SWEEPER: But why? Who do you think is going to see you at this hour?

NAKED MAN: My wife... Since I havent got my keys, I imagine that she will come and open the door... and when she sees me naked and without my evening dress, what am I going to tell her?

FIRST SWEEPER: Without your evening dress?

NAKED MAN: Yes. Before this misfortune, I was wearing evening dress... Id told my wife that I had to attend an embassy vernissage.

FIRST SWEEPER: An embassy vernissage, in evening dress? Just a moment, this evening dress, is it a jacket with long, long tails?

NAKED MAN: Yes, why?

FIRST SWEEPER: Because in that case, theres one coming towards us on a bicycle...

NAKED MAN: An evening dress on a bicycle!?

FIRST SWEEPER: Yes, look... [He points off-stage, behind the NAKED MAN] It must be one of those fellows who go round at night selling flowers.

NAKED MAN: So it is... ! A real evening dress...

FIRST SWEEPER: Relax, Ill see to this... Hey, Evening Dress... Stop, a minute...

MAN IN EVENING DRESS: Are you referring to me?

FIRST SWEEPER: Yes... Listen... Are you looking for business?

MAN IN EVENING DRESS: Youre not going to start telling me that roadsweepers buy flowers too, these days?

FIRST SWEEPER: No, I want to buy your evening dress... and immediately, too. Tell me how much you want. Lets have a look what its made of... [He lights a match, and holds it up to the tails of the tailcoat] Hum... cheap wool. Pretty tatty!

MAN IN EVENING DRESS: Wretch, mind what youre doing with that match! And get your dirty hands off... Ive just had it drycleaned, if you dont mind.

FIRST SWEEPER: Youll see... after all its not exactly solid gold... I just wanted to pass a bit of business your way... But seeing that youre playing hard to get, you can keep your evening dress... Anyway, people who wear evening dress always strike me as a bit lacking in taste...

MAN IN EVENING DRESS: So, if its so lacking in taste, why do you want to buy it?

FIRST SWEEPER: Because Im depraved... psychologically depraved... And I only like things which disgust me...

MAN IN EVENING DRESS: Like being a roadsweeper... for example.

FIRST SWEEPER: Correct. Youve hit the nail on the head. So, do you want to do this bit of business? In exchange I shall give you this valuable 18-carat gold watch. And in addition I shall give you 15,000 lire, in cash. Come on, its a deal... Take it or leave it.

MAN IN EVENING DRESS: Leave it, be blowed... Even if I wanted to, how am I going to... ? I can hardly go home naked!

FIRST SWEEPER: Thats true, and then what are you going to tell your wife?!

MAN IN EVENING DRESS: What wife... ! Im not married, you know...

FIRST SWEEPER: Well then?

MAN IN EVENING DRESS: Well, just think a moment... Can you imagine me, nude, on my bicycle?

FIRST SWEEPER: Ha, ha, thats even better than that other fellow, nude on the balcony... Ha, ha...

MAN IN EVENING DRESS: Balcony? Whats balconies got to do with it?!

FIRST SWEEPER: Nothing, nothing... I forget! But now I think of it, there would be a way... Once you were naked, you could put yourself in my bin...

MAN IN EVENING DRESS: What, what? Me, naked, in your bin?

FIRST SWEEPER: Yes... And its not all that bad in there... its been tested... You settle down in there, nice and comfortable, and I take you home... Door to door service... Everything included... Its a deal: either take it or leave it.

MAN IN EVENING DRESS: But you must have some kind of screw loose... I mean, me, nude, in the bin... ?! While were at it, why dont we have it so that Ive got a dummy in my mouth and a babys bonnet on my head, and we can play at nanny taking baby for a walk in the pram?

FIRST SWEEPER: Oh, why do you have to make things so difficult... ? If you really want to know, theres one fellow already in there. [He points to the bin] Hes been in there for a couple of hours, and he hasnt been complaining all along, like you...

MAN IN EVENING DRESS: What, what? Theres a man in your bin?

FIRST SWEEPER: [Offended, giving him a mean look] Certainly... what did you think was in there?

MAN IN EVENING DRESS: A living man?

FIRST SWEEPER: Obviously living. You wouldnt expect a corpse, would you? Im not an undertaker, you know... Alive, and nude.

MAN IN EVENING DRESS: Impossible... Let me see! [He makes as if to go over to the bin]

FIRST SWEEPER: Hey, gently... Stand over there... Youre not at home now... Dont you think you should knock first? You might find that hes not in the mood for guests today... And wait over there, because hes not a great one for trusting people. [Knocking] May I? Am I disturbing you? Excuse me, Ambassador [Turning to EVENING DRESS] Hes from the Embassy! [Turning back to the NAKED MAN] If you dont mind, I wanted to introduce you...

NAKED MAN: [Lifting the bin lid] Eh... ? Ah, its you... [Noticing EVENING DRESS, who stares at him in amazement] But what on earth do you think youre doing? Dont you understand that in my present state... I mean, are you really trying to ruin me? Introducing me to a complete stranger, in my present condition... ?

FIRST SWEEPER: Yes, yes, a stranger, but hes got an evening dress... And if we dont find some way of settling an agreement, then, I regret to say, theres no chance of your getting home...

NAKED MAN: Alright... We shall tolerate this further humiliation... A pleasure... my friend. [He extends his hand, condescendingly]

MAN IN EVENING DRESS: A pleasure... But I dont understand... What on earth has happened to you?

FIRST SWEEPER: Nothing, nothing... its a long story... Anyway, now you can guess why I wanted to buy your evening dress...

MAN IN EVENING DRESS: Ah, its for him... Well, Im sorry, theres no way that Im going to strip naked and dive into that bin, in his place.

NAKED MAN: Well, maybe there could be a solution. You strip, you give me your suit, and you put on the sweepers clothes...

FIRST SWEEPER: [Swiftly calculating the odds] And I end up naked. Wonderful!

NAKED MAN: But you can go in the bin...

FIRST SWEEPER: Even better... You both go off home, and I hang around here, waiting for somebody to cart me off to the police station...

MAN IN EVENING DRESS: There must be some other way... [Pointing to the SWEEPER] How about you put on my evening dress... and I dress up... as a roadsweeper...

FIRST SWEEPER: [More swift calculations] And hes still left, stark naked... Wonderful, wonderful...

NAKED MAN: Yes, it is wonderful, because once weve got the evening dress, everythings resolved. [Turning to the SWEEPER] Youll take me back to your house... You must have another suit at home... !

FIRST SWEEPER: Ive got an ordinary suit.

NAKED MAN: Very good. So well do a swap...

MAN IN EVENING DRESS: Alright, so if were going to go through with this, lets get on with it. But youll have to agree to buy my flowers too...

FIRST SWEEPER: Why? What are we supposed to do with flowers... ?

MAN IN EVENING DRESS: And what am I supposed to do with them, once Ive sold my evening dress, and dressed up as a roadsweeper? Who am I going to sell these flowers to, after that? I can hardly go into night clubs dressed as a roadsweeper...

FIRST SWEEPER: And how much do you want for these cabbages... ?

MAN IN EVENING DRESS: Lets see... [A swift calculation] There are 25 of them... five times five is twenty five... seven thousand and fifty, plus 15,000 in cash for the evening dress, that makes 22,050. Not one lira less, though...

FIRST SWEEPER: Take it or leave it?

MAN IN EVENING DRESS: Yes...

FIRST SWEEPER: Ill leave it... [He throws him the flowers. EVENING DRESS catches them]

NAKED MAN: Take it! [Having caught the flowers, he gives them back to the SWEEPER]

FIRST SWEEPER: I dont want to end up without a lira...

NAKED MAN: Ill reimburse you the money.

He grabs the wallet from the Roadsweepers hands, and hands it over to the MAN IN EVENING DRESS.

FIRST SWEEPER: Hey, you could at least leave me my wallet...

MAN IN EVENING DRESS: And what are you going to do with an empty wallet...? Come on, lets get a move on with this striptease before you change your mind... [He makes as if to get undressed]

FIRST SWEEPER: Slow down... Youre surely not going to strip off just like that in the middle of a public highway... Supposing somebody comes by... Three naked men in one go... its a bit much...

MAN IN EVENING DRESS: There I make you right... Lets go behind there...

FIRST SWEEPER: Allow me...

NAKED MAN: Go ahead, go ahead... But be quick... [The two of them disappear behind the news kiosk. Enter from stage left, the NIGHT PATROLMAN whom we already know, on his bicycle. He sees the bin centre-stage, and stops. The NAKED MAN only just disappears in time]

NAKED MAN: Action stations... ! Dive... !

PATROLMAN: How irresponsible... He just dumps his bin here, and wanders off... It must be that lunatic from before! [Looking around] Wheres he got to?*[He bends over to look at the number plate on the bin] Ah, theres his number... 30... I bet hes had another row with his bin! [He tries to lift the lid, but cant] Ooof... It must be jammed...

Enter the WOMAN. She tiptoes up to him and kicks him up the backside.

WOMAN: Hands up!

PATROLMAN: [Reaching instinctively for the gun in his holster] Whos that... Ah ... its you...

WOMAN: Ha, ha... That frightened you, eh!

PATROLMAN: I can do without jokes like that... More to the point, you wouldnt happen to have seen the owner of this junkheap anywhere around?

WOMAN: Why do you ask me... ? I dont hang out with roadsweepers, you know...

PATROLMAN: True, except once a month... On payday...

WOMAN: So, whats that supposed to mean? Im not ashamed of it... Anyway, when alls said and done, they part with their wallets better than a lot of others I can think of... I tell you, sometimes these roadsweepers can surprise you... This evening, for example, I picked up one...

PATROLMAN: ... with your usual story about the Vice Squad being after you? Watch out, because one of these days somebodys going to tumble you, if youll excuse the expression...

WOMAN: I will watch out... Anyway, as I was saying, I picked up one of them, and if it hadnt been for the fact that I knew he was a roadsweeper, I would have felt really bashful... You should have heard how he spoke, he was like a real Professor!

PATROLMAN: Oh yes, I know, a professor of roadsweeping!

WOMAN: Yes, yes, thats right, make fun of me... !

PATROLMAN: Me, make fun of you? The very idea... ! Anyway, would you do me a favour: Ive got to go over here to make a phone call, to get them to come and pick up this bin... Make sure that nobody runs off with it.

WOMAN: OK, but get a move on. Ive got things to do.

PATROLMAN: Ill be back in a couple of minutes.

No sooner has the PATROLMAN left the stage, when from behind the news kiosk emerges the ROADSWEEPER, in evening dress.

FLOWERSELLER: [Previously the MAN IN EVENING DRESS. From off-stage] Ha, ha... God youre goodlooking... You look like the Chief Undertaker!

FIRST SWEEPER: Well, youre a pretty fine sight, yourself... A right sight... With that overcoat hanging down to your feet. [Noticing the Woman] Good evening... miss... [He tries to hide his face with the bunch of flowers that hes holding. He has recognised her, and does not want to be recognised in turn] A warm night, eh?

WOMAN: [Flattered that such a distinguished gentleman should strike up conversation with her] Oh, yes... the heat is unbearable... I had to come out... because I felt I was suffocating... And you? I heard you joking with your friend... You must be a great joker, you...

FIRST SWEEPER: Yes, I find very great pleasure in jokes...

WOMAN: But, you know, now that I see you better... I feel as if Ive seen you somewhere before!

FIRST SWEEPER: No, no, its not me... the one you mean... Hes someone else... I... I am... an ambassador... [He begins walking like a circus horse, with long, sweeping strides]

WOMAN: Good heavens... ! An ambassador... ! Ive never seen one from close up.

FIRST SWEEPER: [His horse-like gait has now carried him across the stage. Now he casually leaps the Road Works trestle, as if it was a fence at a horse show] You know, we ambassadors dont tend to let ourselves be seen from close up. We have this terrible shyness...

WOMAN: Thats where Ive seen you... on television... Or at the newsreel...

FIRST SWEEPER: Well, yes... maybe... Sometimes I do go to the cinema...

WOMAN: But then, if you are an ambassador... I suppose you must be a count too... ?

FIRST SWEEPER: Count? No, we are not a count...

He positions himself between the WOMAN and the bin.

WOMAN: Dont try to deny it... I understood immediately that you were a count. You have such a refined way about you...

At this point, the lid of the bin lifts, and the NAKED MAN pokes his head out. He signals to the SWEEPER to get a move-on.

FIRST SWEEPER: That must be because of the long tails [He preens himself] which we ambassadors carry behind us.

WOMAN: No, I wouldnt even have thought of that... I would have noticed at once, even if you had been dressed, lets say... as a roadsweeper.

FIRST SWEEPER: As a roadsweeper? [The NAKED MAN grabs a tail of his dinner jacket, and tugs at it] Well, excuse me, duty calls... I have to go.

WOMAN: What a shame...

FIRST SWEEPER: Yes, unfortunately... You see, I have to take these flowers.

So saying, he sticks his bunch of flowers in the bin, arranging them as if they were in a vase.

WOMAN: I envy the lucky woman whos going to get them...

FIRST SWEEPER: If you would like one... here... [He offers her a rose] Its been a pleasure...

WOMAN: [She offers her hand to be kissed. The SWEEPER has a moment of embarrassment, but then pulls himself together, and kisses her hand] How kind... The pleasure is all mine. Oh, thank you.

[The SWEEPER, slightly embarassed, bows, and then exits, with his horse-like gait, pushing his bin before him]

FIRST SWEEPER: Goodbye.

WOMAN: [She sighs ecstatically, but then notices his curious exit, and is a bit bewildered] But... what... why... ? Your excellency... ha, ha... How eccentric... [He takes the bin, and off he goes, as if it was a Lambretta] Ha, ha!

Enter the PATROLMAN.

PATROLMAN: What are you laughing at... ? And what about the bin? Did he come to take it?

WOMAN: Who?

PATROLMAN: The roadsweeper.

WOMAN: But that was no roadsweeper, that was a Count...

PATROLMAN: A Count... ? A Count took away the sweepers bin?

WOMAN: Certainly...

PATROLMAN: What, what? A count with a bin? But why didnt you say something?

WOMAN: I did... I told him that he was a lovely fellow... and he gave me a flower, and kissed my hand... just like hed do with a lady. What gentlemen these counts are!!

PATROLMAN: He kissed your hand, and carried off the bin? But whats he going to do with it?

WOMAN: Well, just for a joke... you know, one of these things that gentlemen do...

PATROLMAN: Ah, just to amuse himself, I suppose... Ill teach him to play pranks with Council property... He went over that way, did he?

WOMAN: Yes... But surely, youre not going to start rowing with a count...? And over a dustbin, at that... ? Wait for me...

But the PATROLMAN is already on his bicycle, and exits. The WOMAN also exits, running. From the other side of the stage, enter the fake GENTLEMAN, pushing his barrow.

FIRST SWEEPER: [Addressing the NAKED MAN, whose head is sticking out from among the flowers stuck in the bin] And what are you complaining about now? There you are, in the middle of my flowers, looking like something out of Botticellis Primavera, and youre still whinging: Hurry up, hurry up. How do you expect me to go any faster than this... ? And, whats more, when one is in evening dress, one must walk in a refined manner... One cannot start running like those who are not in evening dress, you know!

NAKED MAN: But was it really necessary for you to waste all that time playing Don Giovanni with that girl... If you really want to know, Im sick to death of being stuck in here like a sardine in a can!

FIRST SWEEPER: Well, you can imagine how sick I am, having to be your servant for the last three hours...

PATROLMAN: [From off-stage] Hey... Sir... Stop!

NAKED MAN: Whats happening now?

FIRST SWEEPER: Action stations! Dive!

NAKED MAN: Dive! [He disappears]

FIRST SWEEPER: [He arranges his flowers around the head of his unfortunate passenger, and sings softly as he awaits the PATROLMAN]:

Look at all the pretty little flowers,

Pretty flowers that bloom in Spring...

PATROLMAN: Excuse my stopping you... but why have you walked off with that bin?

FIRST SWEEPER: What bin? [Looking at the barrow as if seeing it for the first time] Oh yes, its a bin!! I hadnt even noticed... I had bought these flowers, you see, and not knowing where to put them, I put them in here... I mistook it for a flower vase...

PATROLMAN: A flower vase? On wheels?

FIRST SWEEPER: Yes, you know, one of those modern vases... A mobile vase...

PATROLMAN: So, youre in the mood for silly jokes, eh?

FIRST SWEEPER: Yes, to tell the truth, Im very much in the mood... You know, I am quite a joker... And you?

PATROLMAN: Well, I... But wait a moment... You know what, your face is very familiar.

Enter the WOMAN, panting after her long run.

WOMAN: Whew... what a run... ! Good evening.

She thrusts her hand under the SWEEPERs nose, in order for him to kiss it.

PATROLMAN: Im sure Ive seen you before... somewhere else...

WOMAN: Of course you have... You must have seen him at the pictures, or on television... I told you, hes a count, and an ambassador...

PATROLMAN: An ambassador?

WOMAN: Yes... and now youve gone and made a fool of yourself... You should have listened to me... Look - now youve offended him.

FIRST SWEEPER: Oh, dont worry about offending me... sticks and stones may break my bones...

WOMAN: How kind you are... Thank the count...

PATROLMAN: Thank you... You must understand, sir, if it was up to me... youd be welcome to take all the barrows you want... [The flowers sticking out of the bin start waving in an agitated manner. Evidently the stowaway wants his driver to get a move on] But this is Council property, and without proper authorisation, I regret...

FIRST SWEEPER: I understand... Youre only doing your duty... But I have no intention of stealing it... I only want to borrow it.

WOMAN: Yes, thats right... borrow it... Otherwise, hows he supposed to get all those flowers home... ? You surely dont expect a count like him to carry them in his arms?

PATROLMAN: He can carry them how he likes, but without a proper authorisation, I am not authorised... [Now the flowers begin to look too unnatural as they wave around; the SWEEPER gives them a slap, pretending to brush off flies] And whats more, havent you thought of the poor roadsweeper. If you take his bin away, hes going to lose his job.

FIRST SWEEPER: Precisely... thats precisely the reason... that Im not taking it away... my bin...

PATROLMAN: Oh, thats rich, that is! Here you are - you, Lord Muck, amusing yourself by getting roadsweepers the sack. And as we all know, there are still people around who vote for the monarchy!

FIRST SWEEPER: Hey, no, lets not start getting into politics... Because in that case, I shall just have to tell you the truth: here there is no count, and no ambassador... because, if you really want to know, I am a roadsweeper!

PATROLMAN: Yes, and I am an elephant.

FIRST SWEEPER: [Observing him with incredulity] An elephant? With a gun? Dont think you can fool me, because Im an expert on elephants...

PATROLMAN: Fool you? I would never dream of it! Seriously, though, rest assured, I realised immediately that you were a roadsweeper...

WOMAN: What do you mean?

PATROLMAN: Obviously, hes a roadsweeper in evening dress... its their new uniform, isnt it. Everybody knows that the Council has ordered a new style for municipal employees: were going to have roadsweepers in dinner jackets, dog-catchers in morning dress, and sewermen in party frocks... whats odd about that?

FIRST SWEEPER: Alright then, since you want to start being comical about it... Ill show you my card... [He searches in his jacket] Hell... it was in the wallet that that money-grubber took off me...

PATROLMAN: But I told you, theres no point in trying to convince me. Im already convinced... But now youre also going to have to convince the Inspector, who is a man absolutely devoid of imagination... and if he does not get his hands on something... or rather, his handcuffs...

FIRST SWEEPER: Ha, ha... that was good... His handcuffs... I was only joking, though!

WOMAN: Yes, thats right, leave him alone... He was joking...

PATROLMAN: Alright then, will you pick up your flowers, and leave me the bin? [He turns to the WOMAN, turning his back on the SWEEPER, who leans against the barrow] And from now on, mind your own business...

NAKED MAN: [Popping out of the bin] No I wont! [He dives back in immediately]

PATROLMAN: [Thinking that the words came from the SWEEPER] No? Alright, then... I must warn you that anything you say will be taken down and may be used...

WOMAN: Leave him be... Dont go getting yourself into trouble.

The PATROLMAN turns his back again.

NAKED MAN: [As above] Go ahead, arrest me... But in the end, youre going to regret it!

PATROLMAN: [Aggressively] So, do you think you frighten me? I would advise you to stop fooling about... Because otherwise, you could end up in trouble...

The WOMAN tugs at his jacket. The PATROLMAN is distracted.

NAKED MAN: [Taking advantage of the situation, he slaps the hands of the PATROLMAN, who is holding the SWEEPER by the collar]

And get your dirty hands off, you lout... [He hides again]

PATROLMAN: Who are you calling a lout? [He responds by slapping the innocent Roadsweeper about the face] I warned you...

FIRST SWEEPER: Hey, ouch... gently... That hurts, eh?!

WOMAN: Have you gone mad? Now hes going to sue you for assault... and quite rightly, too...

PATROLMAN: [Again turning his back on the barrow] Oh yes, hes in the right, because hes a gentleman... In this world of idiots, the rich can amuse themselves, making a fool of you, insulting you, kicking you in the face...

NAKED MAN: [Throwing an apple at his head] And throwing rotten apples at your head...

PATROLMAN: [Turning round, furious, and again grabbing the Sweeper by the scruff of the neck] Wretch... ! So you really do want me to give you a good hiding?

FIRST SWEEPER: No, no... I dont...

He receives another backhander across the face, and a punch in the stomach... The WOMAN, terrified, covers her face with her hands.

WOMAN: Hes killing him... Oh God... Stop it... Help... Hes killed the ambassador...

NAKED MAN: [From his hiding place among the flowers, he watches the punch-up with glees Ha, ha... Nice one... a left hook...

At that precise moment, the SWEEPER ducks, and the NAKED MAN gets a punch in the face. The PATROLMANs momentum carries him pirouetting around the stage. When he finally stops, the NAKED MAN has disappeared, unconscious, into his bin, after dropping some of the flowers. The SWEEPER swiftly puts the lid down.

FIRST SWEEPER: [Seeing the PATROLMAN returning to the attack] Pax. Pax. Im not playing any more!

PATROLMAN: Ah, so youve finally come to your senses...

FIRST SWEEPER: Yes, yes, I have... You can keep the barrow, with everything thats in it.

WOMAN: Did he hurt you much? [Turning to the PATROLMAN] Youve done a fine job there, Officer. I hope youre proud of yourself...

PATROLMAN: Yes, fairly much: if nothing else, Ive taught him that you dont mess about with other peoples bins... [He picks up the bunch of flowers from the ground] And now, will you please take your flowers...

FIRST SWEEPER: No, no, you take them... Its a present... for the winner. Thats the custom...

PATROLMAN: Thank you... With pleasure. [Without looking inside, he tosses the bunch of flowers into the bin]

FIRST SWEEPER: The pleasure is all mine... Happy Easter... [The PATROLMAN gets on his bicycle, and exits, pulling the bin behind him]

WOMAN: Why did you wish him a Happy Easter?

FIRST SWEEPER: Because at Easter you open your Easter egg, and in your Easter egg, you always find a surprise... [He laughs]

WOMAN: Stop laughing like that... Because, otherwise, Im going to start crying...

FIRST SWEEPER: Why, is my laugh that bad?

WOMAN: No, its just that when I see other people laughing, and I cant laugh because I dont understand what it is thats making them laugh, I get so angry that I want to cry...

FIRST SWEEPER: But why?

WOMAN: Because I always end up thinking Im stupid... you know... always the last person to catch on...

FIRST SWEEPER: And instead you should be happy, because, as they say: the last shall be first, the penultimate shall be second, and the third from last the third, and so on...

WOMAN: What a pleasure it is listening to you talk. It must be good to feel that youre somebody...

FIRST SWEEPER: To tell you the truth, I dont really see myself as anybody at all... a nobody in fact... in short, a nothingness. But since nothingness is... [He sits down on the bench, dismayed] There, now Ive forgotten what nothing is... But never mind... Anyway, just to give you an example... If I dress up as a priest, or as a jester, or as a general, or in evening dress, its as if I was naked. In other words, a roadsweeper... You see?

WOMAN: Noooo... ! You see, I really am the last to catch on.

FIRST SWEEPER: No, now that I think about it, Im the last one to catch on... Because if you two [Referring to the WOMAN and the PATROLMAN who has just left] have not understood that I was naked, in other words, a roadsweeper, then it means that when Im wearing evening dress, then I am someone... And so Im no longer God... Do you follow?

WOMAN: Not really... After all, youre still a count and an ambassador...

FIRST SWEEPER: Look, I told you, I have never been either a count or an ambassador... And now Im not even a roadsweeper... Ive lost my money and my job, all in one go... At least they could have let me stay God... And now what am I going to tell the Pope?! Hell be very upset...

WOMAN: [Touching his forehead, worried] Have you still got a headache?

FIRST SWEEPER: No, no, now I feel quite alright... You wont believe this, but as far as Im concerned, the fact of not any longer being everything makes absolutely no difference to me... Because I may no longer be everything, but at least I feel that I am someone... and the best part of it is, that others also think that I am someone... and so I am happy...

WOMAN: And Im happy too...

FIRST SWEEPER: How strange life is. You go banging your head against a brick wall, you go to incredible lengths to find happiness, and then, all of a sudden, all you need do is change your suit, and, zap... ! Youve got it... And all because I met a naked ambassador ...

WOMAN: What naked ambassador?

PATROLMANS VOICE: [From off-stage] Stop him, stop him...

FIRST SWEEPER: That one...

He points to the back of the stage, where we see the NAKED MAN, in his barrow, crossing the stage at speed, pushing himself along with the broom, as if poling a punt.

 

[Ends]

 

 

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Last updated: 6.viii.2012

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