ONE
WAS NUDE
AND
ONE WORE TAILS
A one-act farce by Dario Fo
translated by Ed Emery
_________________________________________
For all queries regarding performance rights, please contact
Agenzia Tolnay : info [@] tolnayagency.it
For all queries regarding the text, please contact the translator at:
ed.emery [@]thefreeuniversity.net
Original text copyright Dario Fo
Translation copyright Ed Emery
_________________________________________
ONE
WAS NUDE AND ONE WORE TAILS
CHARACTERS:
First Road Sweeper
Second Road Sweeper
Woman
Naked Man Park Keeper
Man in Evening Dress.
SCENE:
We
find ourselves in a street on the outskirts of town. A couple of lamp posts, a
withered hedge, a dilapidated park bench, a newsvendors kiosk (which is
closed) and a trestle with a sign indicating road works.
Enter several ROADSWEEPERS, pushing
their carts. They sing in unison:
The wise man sleeps on a bed of wool,
The lazy man sleeps on a bed of feathers.
The rheumatic sleeps on wood,
And the rogue on a pretty girls breast.
At night we clean the streets,
The long avenues, dirtied during the day.
Dead leaves, deformed by the frost,
Or by the doings of a dirty dog;
We
pick up litter and rags,
And dogends walked on and flattened,
Before, by the sad vagaries of fate,
They all end up blocking the drains.
Sometimes we find a thousand-lire note.
Hell, but its one of the old ones... not worth a thing,
So we stick it on the bonfire.
But then we are seized with remorse,
And we give it to a blind beggar.
Exit the ROADSWEEPERS. Only two remain on stage. They
talk quietly for a while. Then one of them raises his voice:
FIRST SWEEPER: Listen, you know what I say?
I say that its best to speak the truth, and have done with it. At least,
thats the way I see it...
SECOND SWEEPER: Ah, yes, the truth, you
say... And what is the truth? You will tell me that the true is the opposite of
the false... Correct. So, now tell me: what is false and what is true? Is that
which is true true, or is that which is false true? Thus, if the true and the
false are one and the same... [The FIRST SWEEPER moves away,
irritated] ... Hey, wait, why are you running off in such a hurry?
FIRST SWEEPER: Because I want to be on my
own... thats why.
SECOND SWEEPER: I say... You wouldnt happen
to be angry with me, would you?
FIRST SWEEPER: Who said anything about
angry... ? The fact is, I am sick of hanging around here giving myself a
headache with your speeches every night. You rave on with your mad theories,
and then it starts me thinking. Ive already told you that thinking gives me a
pain right here. [Pointing to his forehead]
SECOND SWEEPER: Thats because youre not
trained for it... The brain is a muscle, and when it is not subjected to
regular strenuous exercise...
FIRST SWEEPER: Oh yes, brilliant! You know
what? I bet, if I start exercising my brain muscle strenuously, afterwards, I guarantee
Ill get brain strain... Wonderful!
SECOND SWEEPER: [Amused]
Brain strain! Ha, ha! I like that!
FIRST SWEEPER: Thats right. And whats
more, I dont understand why you, with your well-trained muscle, and with all
your education, still carry on working as a roadsweeper.
SECOND SWEEPER: Because for me, being a
roadsweeper is not a job, but a mission...
FIRST SWEEPER: Here we go again, more crazy
notions!
SECOND SWEEPER: Not at all. Sensible, if
anything. To start with: what is the most important thing in life? Answer me
that!
FIRST SWEEPER: Well, I should say its that
a person should have good health and happiness...
SECOND SWEEPER: ... That way he can reach
true happiness?
FIRST SWEEPER: Yes, and then if he doesnt
give a damn for anything or anyone... thats even better.
SECOND
SWEEPER: There you go! Well done. I have to admit that I
was mistaken about you. Youre not really as stupid as you look. Thats exactly
correct: in order to be truly happy, one must raise oneself above the lifes
wretched vicissitudes, forget ones own ambitions, suppress ones feelings and
passions...
FIRST SWEEPER: Not give a damn! Exactly!
But thats easier said than done...
SECOND SWEEPER: Ah, indeed, it is not
easy... But the means do exist.
FIRST SWEEPER: Like what?
SECOND SWEEPER: Have you never heard of
yoga?
FIRST SWEEPER: Eh? Whats yoga?
SECOND
SWEEPER: I have to admit that I was not wrong
about you... You really are as stupid as you look. Yoga is an exercise, a
psycho-physical discipline, which enables those who practice it to achieve the
most absolute sublimation, and thereby reach a state of beatitude, in other
words, happiness.
FIRST
SWEEPER: Alright... But whats this yoga got to do with
being a roadsweeper?
SECOND
SWEEPER: Its got a lot to do with it... Basically, its
the same principle. What can be more suitable than a roadsweepers life, in
order to suppress within us that baggage of arrogance, pride and ambition which
prevents us from stripping ourselves of pointless vanities, and going forward,
naked but happy, to attain the bliss and ecstasy of the platonic world of
ideas?
FIRST SWEEPER: Naked? There, I knew it. Now
Im starting to get a headache! What do you mean, naked?
SECOND SWEEPER: Naked! Naked outside, but
clothed within, with our spirit clothed...
FIRST SWEEPER: Our spirit clothed! Hey, I
like that! Ill have to remember that... But what does it mean?
SECOND SWEEPER: Ill explain it in a couple
of words... You, for example: do you see yourself as someone?
FIRST SWEEPER: What a question! Im a roadsweeper...
What do you expect me to see myself as... ?
SECOND
SWEEPER: Precisely. You dont see yourself as anyone.
You see yourself as nobody, in short, a nothingness... But is not nothingness
perhaps the beginning of everything, in other words, the absolute? And the
absolute, as Plato says, is God, and therefore you are God...
FIRST SWEEPER: Me?
SECOND SWEEPER: Yes, you!
FIRST
SWEEPER: Oh come on... Youre just saying that because
you like me... But look, when you get to know me better... Ha... ! Theyve
been telling you stories about me, and you fell for it.
SECOND
SWEEPER: Lucky you, to understand so little! Look... A
person could dress you up as absolutely anything: a king, a clown, a soldier, a
priest... Stark naked, or in evening dress, you will always be yourself, a
roadsweeper. In fact, not even a roadsweeper - a nobody, because you are
nobody, and therefore everything...
FIRST SWEEPER: And since everything is God,
as Plato says, I am God...
SECOND SWEEPER: Well done! I see that its
sinking in at last!
FIRST
SWEEPER: Yes, yes, its not so hard really... But tell
me, does the Pope know that I am God?
SECOND
SWEEPER: The Pope?
[Enter a WOMAN,
running. She looks very worried]
WOMAN: Hell... This time Im really done for... Oh, excuse me... Maybe you can
help me...
SECOND
SWEEPER: Happy to oblige... In what regard might we be
of assistance?
WOMAN: They nabbed me... Just as I was negotiating with a client...
FIRST
SWEEPER: Who nabbed you?
WOMAN: The Vice Squad. There they are. Theyre coming! Oh, for pitys sake,
help me... Do something!
FIRST
SWEEPER: Lets hide her in the bin! Theres plenty of
room, as long as she squeezes up a bit.
SECOND SWEEPER: Do.it be stupid... Such a
good-looking woman... In among all that rubbish... ?!
WOMAN: Thanks for the compliment... But unfortunately the fact that I am
good-looking, as you say, isnt going to help me a lot... The Vice Squad dont
mess around. They lock you away as soon as look at you. Last time, a gentleman
saved me by passing me off as his fiance, but this time...
SECOND
SWEEPER: Oh yes, I can just see it! Just imagine if we
said that you were our fiance... that would make people laugh...
Roadsweepers, as everyone knows, are incapable of love...
FIRST SWEEPER: Yes, one fiance between
two... It wouldnt be right... On the other hand, though...
SECOND SWEEPER: Oh yes, how stupid of me...
I didnt even think of that...
FIRST SWEEPER: Yes, we could take it in
turns... Me first! I thought of it first... !
SECOND
SWEEPER: Behave yourself, and take this. [He removes
his roadsweepers cape] The caterpillar is transformed into a
butterfly; it throws off its old skin and flies. [He tosses his cap and cape
into the bin, and then pulls a top-hat from his toolbox] Let us go,
my love. Tonight I shall be your protector...
WOMAN: Oh, thank you, youre very kind... And you look
like a real gentleman... I really dont know how I can repay you.
SECOND SWEEPER: Dont worry, Im sure we
shall find a way. [Theatrically] Cling to me, treasure; Love will
save us...
FIRST
SWEEPER: Just a moment, before you two start clinging to
each other, what am I supposed to do with this bin of yours? I can hardly go
round with two bins at the same time, can I! Supposing I run into a
supervisor... ?
SECOND SWEEPER: Youre right... What can we
do?
FIRST
SWEEPER: Well, maybe there is a way: Ill hide my bin behind
that little wall, and Ill take yours to the via Alciati depot, and Ill tell
the supervisor that you felt ill, and that you had to go off... I wont say who
with, though...
SECOND SWEEPER: Well done... Youre divine!
FIRST SWEEPER: Yes, I know, youve already
explained that. You dont have to go telling everyone, though... These are delicate
matters, you know! Lets go.
WOMAN: Thank you too. Its been a real miracle running
into you.
FIRST SWEEPER: There, you see... ? A
miracle now! If word of this gets out... Come on, hurry up. Go.
WOMAN: Yes, yes, were going. Goodbye... and thank you again.
The
two of them exit, arm in arm. The FIRST SWEEPER follows,
wheeling the SECOND SWEEPERs bin.
A few seconds of blackout, to indicate the passage of time.
FIRST SWEEPER: [Re-entering] Hey,
lets not start playing tricks... Whos shifted my bin? [The bin, which was
on-stage prior to the blackout, has now been shifted behind a hedge] Ah,
here it is... Just as well... That gave me a fright... [He starts picking up
litter] That would have been a fine thing... A fellow worries about
another fellows bin, and in the meantime his own one gets stolen... If I find
the rat who shifted it...
He opens the bin lid, and throws in the rubbish that hes collected.
NAKED MAN: [Annoyed, popping up out
of the bin] Good God! Mind where youre throwing that rubbish... I
suppose you think thats funny.
FIRST
SWEEPER: [Not believing his own eyes] Oh,
excuse me...
NAKED
MAN: [Dusting down the top hat which hes wearing]
Excuse me be damned! If you think thats funny... I can assure you that
your jokes are in extremely bad taste...
FIRST
SWEEPER: Hey, now look, you, youre a bit mad...
NAKED MAN: Ah, so Im mad now, am I?
Thats lovely - now you start insulting me into the bargain. And whats to stop
you starting to hit me too? Come on, feel free! However, I must warn you that
you are about to hit a ... naked man.
FIRST SWEEPER: A naked man? Let me see this
naked man.
NAKED
MAN: Please, go ahead... [He stands up, to show
the top half of his body, which is indeed naked] Thatll do. After
all, we hardly know each other! And anyway... dont you think youre going a
bit far? Alright, I can imagine that, with your job, accustomed as you are to
living among all kinds of filth... Im sure that the sight of anothers, nudity
is hardly going to embarass you... But fortunately, in my case, modesty
prevents...
FIRST
SWEEPER: [Losing his temper] Right, thats
quite enough, eh? Either you pack that up, or Ill make you pack it up... !
Ill take my bin, with you in it, and Ill tip the whole lot into the first
ditch I find...
NAKED MAN: [Soothingly] Theres
no need to get all worked up like that. Come on, calm down...
FIRST
SWEEPER: No, my friend... It is you who should
calm down... and cut the fooling about... Because I am quite capable of calling
a policeman, and then youll be sorry!
NAKED
MAN: No, please... I humbly beg your pardon... on my
knees... dont turn me in to the police... Because that would be the same as
leading me to suicide... Please, dont call the...
FIRST
SWEEPER: Alright, I wont call the police... But listen,
just so that I know: how on earth did you end up in my bin, and naked into the
bargain?
NAKED
MAN: I ended up in here precisely because I am
naked... I dont have to tell you that if I had been clothed, I wouldnt have
come anywhere near your bin.
FIRST SWEEPER: Are you sure you didnt take
off your clothes just to see how it felt being naked in a bin, eh?
NAKED
MAN: No... I got undressed for quite another
reason... the most sublime of reasons... for love... But unfortunately, just as
we were getting down to it, HE had to turn up... the husband... just like some
third-rate farce.
FIRST SWEEPER: Ha, ha! Just like in the
cartoons...
NAKED
MAN: Precisely. And in order to avoid reacting in
the traditional way, which would have sent me scurrying under the classic bed,
or into the even more classic wardrobe, I took my hat, [He points to the
black top-hat he is wearing] I gritted my teeth, and went out onto
the balcony just as I was...
FIRST
SWEEPER: Stark naked, but with a top-hat on your head
and your teeth gritted. Forgive my laughing, but things like this make me
laugh.
NAKED
MAN: Go ahead, go ahead. I wish I could do the same,
but, as you can imagine, it is difficult to laugh when one is naked and up to
ones neck submerged in filth.
FIRST SWEEPER: Yes, yes, its hard, I know,
but all the same, it makes me laugh... Ha, ha.
Anyway, how did it go,
how did it go... ? Wait a moment... It was really good... Ah, yes, thats it: [He declaims, imitating his
philosopher friend] The important thing is to be naked, but
clothed... that is, naked outside, but clothed inside... And since you are
inside, obviously, you are clothed...
NAKED MAN: I dont understand.
FIRST
SWEEPER: Its philosophy... It would take too long to
explain... Im sorry, but Im going to have to continue my round... So I must
ask you to get out of my bin, because otherwise there wont be any room for
the rubbish.
NAKED
MAN: Oh no, please, you wouldnt want to leave me
out in the street like this, would you? I mean, it wouldnt be decent! Come on!
FIRST
SWEEPER: What do you mean, it wouldnt be decent? So, in
your opinion, what am I supposed to do. Supposing I run into a supervisor, what
am I supposed to do? Hed probably end up reporting me for unauthorised hire
of a vehicle for illicit purposes, or something!
NAKED MAN: If you could just be so kind
... and so understanding... as to take me home...
FIRST SWEEPER: Home? I mean... ! What do
you take me for, a taxi?
NAKED
MAN: Its not really so very far... And, look, as a
token of my appreciation, take this... Ill give you my watch. [He removes
it from his wrist] The only thing that Im still wearing, apart from
my hat. Take it... its a valuable watch... 18-carat solid gold. [He hands
him the watch]
FIRST SWEEPER: [Taking it, embarassed]
And you are giving me this valuable, 18-carat, solid gold watch, just for
taking you home?
NAKED MAN: Indeed... and I regret
having nothing else with which I can demonstrate...
FIRST SWEEPER: Alright, it doesnt matter.
Settle down. Where are we going?
NAKED MAN: Via Donini... number 27...
FIRST
SWEEPER: 27 via Donini... ? And thats supposed to be
not very far? Thats two miles on foot, you know! You can keep your watch,
because I dont want trouble... Supposing I run into a supervisor, what am I
going to tell him?
NAKED
MAN: There you go again with your supervisor... !
Cant you think of anything other than your supervisors? What kind of
sons-of-toil mentality is this...? It really is true what they say: once a
road-sweeper, always a road-sweeper.
FIRST SWEEPER: Now thengo easy... Who says
that, anyway?
NAKED
MAN: I say it... And I also say: that people like
you make me ashamed of being human... because I can accept anything -
cowardice, poverty, ignorance - but not nothingness...
FIRST
SWEEPER: Ah yes, nothingness... But, in case you didnt
realise it, nothing is everything, and everything is God. And you can say what
you like... but hands off my divinity. [At that moment, a NIGHT
PATROLMAN appears from the back of the stage. The NAKED MAN sees him,
and immediately disappears into his bin. But the SWEEPER, who has his
back to the PATROLMAN, continues talking] Because I become an
animal, and I dont care who you are...
NAKED MAN: [Hissing at him] Stop
it, shut up! Look out... !
FIRST
SWEEPER: Stop it? Youre telling me to stop it? [He
thumps his fist on the bin-lid, which closes again] Youre the one
who should stop it... Dirty old man... First you go flirting with other
peoples wives, then you get yourself caught, and then you come and start
making fun of people... But Ill sort you out. [He gives the bin a kick]
And thank your lucky stars youve got no clothes on - because otherwise...
[He bangs his fist on the lid] ... that ugly head of yours...
Damn you... [The PATROLMAN behind him cant restrain a laugh] Yes,
yes, go ahead, laugh! Ha, ha! But Ill have the last laugh... Enjoy yourself,
carry on with your little jokes... When I tip you into the canal, ha, ha, Id
like to see how you get on in the water... Ha, ha! Help, help... And down
youll go... glug, glug... Like a submarine.
[At this point, the
SWEEPER becomes aware of the PATROLMANs presence] Glug...
Glug...
He
stops for a moment, perplexed, but then continues unperturbed, miming the
sinking of a submarine. He sings:
The submarine goes
Glug, Glug, Glug
The little fishy too
goes Glug, Glug, Glug
And the submarine goes
Glug, Glug, Glug.
All together now,
Glug... Glug... Glug...
All
this is accompanied by a kind of tap dance, which ends with the SWEEPER kicking the bin.
PATROLMAN: Um... Ah... Are you not feeling
well?
FIRST SWEEPER: No, no... You see, I was
just... well, just passing the time... Glug ... Glug... .
PATROLMAN: So just to pass the time,
you start kicking this poor bin? But whats it done to you?
FIRST
SWEEPER: Its... well... its made me angry... Its made
me... Every now and then, who knows why, bang... it stops... and theres no way
to get it moving. Look... You see... its making fun of me... the wretch! [He
gives it another kick] But believe me, one of these days... [He
gives the bin a push] There you go, you see? [The bin has moved]
Now its moving... Its got frightened... because youre here... I tell
you... dustcarts are like children... If you dont treat them roughly every
once in a while, if you dont shout at them, they end up doing just what they
want. They show you no respect, they... [He starts talking to the bin]
Come on, get a move on... and dont pull any more stunts... because, if you
do, Ill call the Park Keeper again... and Park Keepers are not to be trifled
with! Come on, come on, you shout at it too...
PATROLMAN: [Embarassed] Ah, yes, if its all the same with you, I...
I... Well, Id better be going... See you...
He
gets on his bicycle, and exits rapidly.
FIRST
SWEEPER: Yes, yes, see you... [He mops the sweat from
his brow, and from inside his hat] Phew! What a terrible five minutes...
NAKED MAN: [Cautiously sticking his
head out] Has he gone?
FIRST SWEEPER: Yes, yes... You almost
landed me right in it, there... Look, Im all sweating...
NAKED
MAN: Well I dont have to tell you what it was like
for me... If he had hung about for just one minute longer, I would have died of
suffocation...
FIRST SWEEPER: Would that it was true, dear
boy!
NAKED
MAN: [Leaning out of the bin like a preacher out
of his pulpit] Oh, dont be like that... Ive realised it now, you
know. You... Theres no point in you pretending to be a hard, heartless person,
because youre really very kind... Thank you., thank you for what youve done
for me... I assure you that I shall reward your sacrifice, once you get me
home.
FIRST SWEEPER: Home? Ah, here we go
again... You must be mad if you think that Im taking you home...
NAKED MAN:
Well, look, tell me, how much wages do you make in a month?
FIRST SWEEPER: Me? Well... It depends...
For example, this month... Wait, Ive got my wage packet... I picked it up
today... Here we are... Twenty two thousand and fifty... exactly. Why, whats
it to you?
NAKED MAN:
Right. Consider it doubled... And Ill throw in my watch too, for good measure.
FIRST SWEEPER: What... ? Youre going to
give me your 18carat gold watch, plus twenty two thousand and fifty lire...
just for taking you home?!
NAKED MAN: Certainly... As soon as we
reach 27 via Donini... you wait downstairs for me a moment, while I go up...
Oh, no... no... I cant...
FIRST SWEEPER: What
do you mean, I cant? First you say you can and then you say you cant. Make
your bloody mind up!
NAKED MAN:
But... what did you think I meant? I was just saying that I cant go home in
the condition Im in now.
FIRST SWEEPER: But
why? Who do you think is going to see you at this hour?
NAKED MAN: My wife... Since I havent
got my keys, I imagine that she will come and open the door... and when she
sees me naked and without my evening dress, what am I going to tell her?
FIRST
SWEEPER: Without your evening dress?
NAKED MAN: Yes. Before this misfortune,
I was wearing evening dress... Id told my wife that I had to attend an embassy
vernissage.
FIRST SWEEPER: An
embassy vernissage, in evening dress? Just a moment, this evening dress,
is it a jacket with long, long tails?
NAKED MAN: Yes, why?
FIRST SWEEPER:
Because in that case, theres one coming towards us on a bicycle...
NAKED MAN: An evening dress on a
bicycle!?
FIRST SWEEPER: Yes, look... [He points
off-stage, behind the NAKED MAN] It must be one of those fellows who
go round at night selling flowers.
NAKED
MAN: So it is... ! A real evening dress...
FIRST
SWEEPER: Relax, Ill see to this... Hey, Evening
Dress... Stop, a minute...
MAN
IN EVENING DRESS: Are you referring to me?
FIRST SWEEPER: Yes... Listen... Are you
looking for business?
MAN IN EVENING DRESS: Youre not going to start
telling me that roadsweepers buy flowers too, these days?
FIRST
SWEEPER: No, I want to buy your evening dress... and
immediately, too. Tell me how much you want. Lets have a look what its made
of... [He lights a match, and holds it up to the tails of the tailcoat]
Hum... cheap wool. Pretty tatty!
MAN
IN EVENING DRESS: Wretch, mind what youre
doing with that match! And get your dirty hands off... Ive just had it drycleaned,
if you dont mind.
FIRST
SWEEPER: Youll see... after all its not exactly solid
gold... I just wanted to pass a bit of business your way... But seeing that
youre playing hard to get, you can keep your evening dress... Anyway, people
who wear evening dress always strike me as a bit lacking in taste...
MAN IN EVENING DRESS: So, if its so lacking in
taste, why do you want to buy it?
FIRST SWEEPER: Because Im depraved...
psychologically depraved... And I only like things which disgust me...
MAN IN EVENING DRESS: Like being a roadsweeper...
for example.
FIRST
SWEEPER: Correct. Youve hit the nail on the head. So,
do you want to do this bit of business? In exchange I shall give you this
valuable 18-carat gold watch. And in addition I shall give you 15,000 lire, in
cash. Come on, its a deal... Take it or leave it.
MAN IN EVENING DRESS: Leave it, be blowed... Even
if I wanted to, how am I going to... ? I can hardly go home naked!
FIRST SWEEPER: Thats true, and then what
are you going to tell your wife?!
MAN IN EVENING DRESS: What wife... ! Im not
married, you know...
FIRST SWEEPER: Well then?
MAN IN EVENING DRESS: Well, just think a moment...
Can you imagine me, nude, on my bicycle?
FIRST SWEEPER: Ha, ha, thats even better
than that other fellow, nude on the balcony... Ha, ha...
MAN IN EVENING DRESS: Balcony? Whats balconies got
to do with it?!
FIRST
SWEEPER: Nothing, nothing... I forget! But now I think of
it, there would be a way... Once you were naked, you could put yourself in my
bin...
MAN IN EVENING DRESS: What, what? Me, naked, in
your bin?
FIRST
SWEEPER: Yes... And its not all that bad in there...
its been tested... You settle down in there, nice and comfortable, and I take
you home... Door to door service... Everything included... Its a deal: either
take it or leave it.
MAN
IN EVENING DRESS: But you must have some kind
of screw loose... I mean, me, nude, in the bin... ?! While were at it, why dont
we have it so that Ive got a dummy in my mouth and a babys bonnet on my head,
and we can play at nanny taking baby for a walk in the pram?
FIRST
SWEEPER: Oh, why do you have to make things so difficult...
? If you really want to know, theres one fellow already in there. [He
points to the bin] Hes been in there for a couple of hours, and he
hasnt been complaining all along, like you...
MAN IN EVENING DRESS: What, what? Theres a man in
your bin?
FIRST SWEEPER: [Offended, giving him a
mean look] Certainly... what did you think was in there?
MAN IN EVENING DRESS: A living man?
FIRST
SWEEPER: Obviously living. You wouldnt expect a corpse,
would you? Im not an undertaker, you know... Alive, and nude.
MAN IN EVENING DRESS: Impossible... Let me see! [He
makes as if to go over to the bin]
FIRST SWEEPER: Hey, gently... Stand over
there... Youre not at home now... Dont you think you should knock first? You
might find that hes not in the mood for guests today... And wait over there,
because hes not a great one for trusting people. [Knocking] May
I? Am I disturbing you? Excuse me, Ambassador [Turning
to EVENING DRESS] Hes from the Embassy! [Turning back to
the NAKED MAN] If you dont mind, I wanted to introduce you...
NAKED
MAN: [Lifting the bin lid] Eh... ? Ah,
its you... [Noticing EVENING DRESS, who stares at him in amazement]
But what on earth do you think youre doing? Dont you understand that in
my present state... I mean, are you really trying to ruin me? Introducing me
to a complete stranger, in my present condition... ?
FIRST SWEEPER: Yes, yes, a stranger, but
hes got an evening dress... And if we dont find some way of settling an
agreement, then, I regret to say, theres no chance of your getting home...
NAKED MAN:
Alright... We shall tolerate this further humiliation... A pleasure... my
friend. [He extends his hand, condescendingly]
MAN IN EVENING DRESS: A pleasure... But I dont understand... What on earth has happened to
you?
FIRST SWEEPER: Nothing, nothing... its a
long story... Anyway, now you can guess why I wanted to buy your evening
dress...
MAN IN EVENING DRESS: Ah, its for him... Well, Im
sorry, theres no way that Im going to strip naked and dive into that bin, in
his place.
NAKED MAN:
Well, maybe there could be a solution. You strip, you give me your suit, and
you put on the sweepers clothes...
FIRST SWEEPER: [Swiftly calculating the
odds] And I end up naked. Wonderful!
NAKED MAN: But you can go in the bin...
FIRST SWEEPER: Even better... You both go
off home, and I hang around here, waiting for somebody to cart me off to the
police station...
MAN IN EVENING DRESS: There must be some other
way... [Pointing to the SWEEPER] How about you put on my evening
dress... and I dress up... as a roadsweeper...
FIRST
SWEEPER: [More swift calculations] And
hes still left, stark naked... Wonderful, wonderful...
NAKED MAN: Yes, it is wonderful,
because once weve got the evening dress, everythings resolved. [Turning to
the SWEEPER] Youll take me back to your house... You must have
another suit at home... !
FIRST SWEEPER: Ive got an ordinary suit.
NAKED MAN: Very good. So well do a
swap...
MAN IN EVENING DRESS: Alright, so if were going to
go through with this, lets get on with it. But youll have to agree to buy my
flowers too...
FIRST SWEEPER: Why? What are we supposed to
do with flowers... ?
MAN
IN EVENING DRESS: And what am I supposed to do
with them, once Ive sold my evening dress, and dressed up as a roadsweeper?
Who am I going to sell these flowers to, after that? I can hardly go into night
clubs dressed as a roadsweeper...
FIRST SWEEPER: And how much do you want for
these cabbages... ?
MAN
IN EVENING DRESS: Lets see... [A swift
calculation] There are 25 of them... five times five is twenty
five... seven thousand and fifty, plus 15,000 in cash for the evening dress,
that makes 22,050. Not one lira less, though...
FIRST SWEEPER: Take it or leave it?
MAN IN EVENING DRESS: Yes...
FIRST SWEEPER: Ill leave it... [He
throws him the flowers. EVENING DRESS catches them]
NAKED MAN: Take it! [Having caught
the flowers, he gives them back to the SWEEPER]
FIRST SWEEPER: I dont want to end up
without a lira...
NAKED
MAN: Ill reimburse you the money.
He
grabs the wallet from the Roadsweepers hands, and hands it over to the MAN IN EVENING DRESS.
FIRST SWEEPER: Hey, you could at least
leave me my wallet...
MAN
IN EVENING DRESS: And what are you going to do
with an empty wallet...? Come on, lets get a move on with this striptease
before you change your mind... [He makes as if to get undressed]
FIRST
SWEEPER: Slow down... Youre surely not going to strip
off just like that in the middle of a public highway... Supposing somebody
comes by... Three naked men in one go... its a bit much...
MAN IN EVENING DRESS: There I make you right...
Lets go behind there...
FIRST SWEEPER: Allow me...
NAKED
MAN: Go ahead, go ahead... But be quick... [The
two of them disappear behind the news kiosk. Enter from stage left, the NIGHT
PATROLMAN whom we already know, on his bicycle. He sees the bin
centre-stage, and stops. The NAKED MAN only just disappears in time]
NAKED MAN: Action stations... ! Dive...
!
PATROLMAN: How irresponsible... He just dumps his bin here, and wanders off... It
must be that lunatic from before! [Looking around] Wheres he got
to?*[He bends over to look at the number plate on the bin]
Ah, theres his number... 30... I bet hes had another row with his bin! [He
tries to lift the lid, but cant] Ooof... It must be jammed...
Enter
the WOMAN. She tiptoes up to him and kicks him up
the backside.
WOMAN: Hands up!
PATROLMAN: [Reaching instinctively for the gun in his holster] Whos
that... Ah ... its you...
WOMAN: Ha, ha... That frightened you, eh!
PATROLMAN: I can do without jokes like that... More to the point, you wouldnt
happen to have seen the owner of this junkheap anywhere around?
WOMAN: Why do you ask me... ? I dont hang out with roadsweepers, you know...
PATROLMAN: True, except once a month...
On payday...
WOMAN: So, whats that supposed to mean? Im not ashamed of it... Anyway, when
alls said and done, they part with their wallets better than a lot of others
I can think of... I tell you, sometimes these roadsweepers can surprise you...
This evening, for example, I picked up one...
PATROLMAN: ... with your usual story about the Vice Squad being after you? Watch
out, because one of these days somebodys going to tumble you, if youll excuse
the expression...
WOMAN: I will watch out... Anyway, as I was saying, I picked up one of them,
and if it hadnt been for the fact that I knew he was a roadsweeper, I would
have felt really bashful... You should have heard how he spoke, he was like a
real Professor!
PATROLMAN: Oh yes, I know, a professor
of roadsweeping!
WOMAN: Yes, yes, thats right, make fun of me... !
PATROLMAN: Me, make fun of you? The very idea... ! Anyway, would you do me a
favour: Ive got to go over here to make a phone call, to get them to come and
pick up this bin... Make sure that nobody runs off with it.
WOMAN: OK, but get a move on. Ive got things to do.
PATROLMAN: Ill be back in a couple of minutes.
No
sooner has the PATROLMAN left the stage, when from behind
the news kiosk emerges the ROADSWEEPER, in evening dress.
FLOWERSELLER: [Previously the MAN IN EVENING DRESS. From off-stage] Ha,
ha... God youre goodlooking... You look like the Chief Undertaker!
FIRST
SWEEPER: Well, youre a pretty fine sight, yourself... A
right sight... With that overcoat hanging down to your feet. [Noticing the
Woman] Good evening... miss... [He tries to hide his face with
the bunch of flowers that hes holding. He has recognised her, and does not
want to be recognised in turn] A warm night, eh?
WOMAN: [Flattered that such a distinguished gentleman should strike up
conversation with her] Oh, yes... the heat is unbearable... I had
to come out... because I felt I was suffocating... And you? I heard you joking
with your friend... You must be a great joker, you...
FIRST SWEEPER: Yes, I find very great
pleasure in jokes...
WOMAN: But, you know, now that I see you better... I feel as if Ive seen you
somewhere before!
FIRST
SWEEPER: No, no, its not me... the one you mean... Hes
someone else... I... I am... an ambassador... [He begins walking like a
circus horse, with long, sweeping strides]
WOMAN: Good heavens... ! An ambassador... ! Ive never
seen one from close up.
FIRST
SWEEPER: [His horse-like gait has now carried him
across the stage. Now he casually leaps the Road Works trestle, as if it was a
fence at a horse show] You know, we ambassadors dont tend to let
ourselves be seen from close up. We have this terrible shyness...
WOMAN: Thats where Ive seen you... on television...
Or at the newsreel...
FIRST SWEEPER: Well, yes... maybe...
Sometimes I do go to the cinema...
WOMAN: But then, if you are an ambassador... I suppose
you must be a count too... ?
FIRST SWEEPER: Count? No, we are not a
count...
He positions himself between the WOMAN
and the bin.
WOMAN: Dont try to deny it... I understood
immediately that you were a count. You have such a refined way about you...
At this point, the lid of the bin lifts, and the NAKED MAN pokes his head out. He signals to the SWEEPER to get
a move-on.
FIRST SWEEPER: That
must be because of the long tails [He preens himself] which we
ambassadors carry behind us.
WOMAN: No, I wouldnt even have thought of that... I
would have noticed at once, even if you had been dressed, lets say... as a
roadsweeper.
FIRST
SWEEPER: As a roadsweeper? [The NAKED MAN grabs
a tail of his dinner jacket, and tugs at it] Well, excuse me, duty
calls... I have to go.
WOMAN: What a shame...
FIRST
SWEEPER: Yes, unfortunately... You see, I have to take
these flowers.
So
saying, he sticks his bunch of flowers in the bin, arranging them as if they
were in a vase.
WOMAN: I envy the lucky woman whos going to get
them...
FIRST SWEEPER: If
you would like one... here... [He offers her a rose] Its been a
pleasure...
WOMAN: [She offers her hand to be kissed. The SWEEPER
has a moment of embarrassment, but then pulls himself together, and kisses
her hand] How kind... The pleasure is all mine. Oh, thank you.
[The SWEEPER, slightly embarassed, bows, and then exits, with
his horse-like gait, pushing his bin before him]
FIRST SWEEPER: Goodbye.
WOMAN: [She sighs ecstatically, but then notices his curious exit, and is a
bit bewildered] But... what... why... ? Your excellency... ha,
ha... How eccentric... [He takes the bin, and off he goes, as if it was a
Lambretta] Ha, ha!
Enter
the PATROLMAN.
PATROLMAN: What
are you laughing at... ? And what about the bin? Did he come to take it?
WOMAN: Who?
PATROLMAN: The roadsweeper.
WOMAN: But that was no roadsweeper, that was a
Count...
PATROLMAN: A
Count... ? A Count took away the sweepers bin?
WOMAN: Certainly...
PATROLMAN:
What, what? A count with a bin? But why didnt you say something?
WOMAN: I did... I told him that he was a lovely fellow... and he gave me a
flower, and kissed my hand... just like hed do with a lady. What gentlemen
these counts are!!
PATROLMAN: He kissed your hand, and
carried off the bin? But whats he going to do with it?
WOMAN: Well, just for a joke... you know, one of these
things that gentlemen do...
PATROLMAN: Ah, just to amuse himself, I suppose... Ill teach him to play pranks
with Council property... He went over that way, did he?
WOMAN: Yes... But surely, youre not going to start rowing with a count...?
And over a dustbin, at that... ? Wait for me...
But
the PATROLMAN is already on his bicycle, and
exits. The WOMAN also exits, running. From the other side of the stage,
enter the fake GENTLEMAN, pushing his barrow.
FIRST
SWEEPER: [Addressing the NAKED MAN, whose head
is sticking out from among the flowers stuck in the bin] And what
are you complaining about now? There you are, in the middle of my flowers,
looking like something out of Botticellis Primavera, and youre still
whinging: Hurry up, hurry up. How do you expect me to go any faster than
this... ? And, whats more, when one is in evening dress, one must walk in a
refined manner... One cannot start running like those who are not in evening
dress, you know!
NAKED
MAN: But was it really necessary for you to waste
all that time playing Don Giovanni with that girl... If you really want to
know, Im sick to death of being stuck in here like a sardine in a can!
FIRST SWEEPER: Well, you can imagine how
sick I am, having to be your servant for the last three hours...
PATROLMAN: [From off-stage] Hey... Sir... Stop!
NAKED
MAN: Whats happening now?
FIRST
SWEEPER: Action stations! Dive!
NAKED
MAN: Dive! [He disappears]
FIRST
SWEEPER: [He arranges his flowers around the head of
his unfortunate passenger, and sings softly as he awaits the PATROLMAN]:
Look at all the pretty little flowers,
Pretty
flowers that bloom in Spring...
PATROLMAN: Excuse my stopping you...
but why have you walked off with that bin?
FIRST SWEEPER: What bin? [Looking at the
barrow as if seeing it for the first time] Oh yes, its a bin!! I
hadnt even noticed... I had bought these flowers, you see, and not knowing
where to put them, I put them in here... I mistook it for a flower vase...
PATROLMAN: A flower vase? On wheels?
FIRST SWEEPER: Yes,
you know, one of those modern vases... A
mobile vase...
PATROLMAN: So, youre in the mood for
silly jokes, eh?
FIRST SWEEPER: Yes,
to tell the truth, Im very much in the mood... You know, I am quite a joker...
And you?
PATROLMAN:
Well, I... But wait a moment... You know what, your face is very familiar.
Enter the WOMAN,
panting after her long run.
WOMAN: Whew... what a run... ! Good evening.
She thrusts her hand under the SWEEPERs nose, in order for him to kiss
it.
PATROLMAN: Im
sure Ive seen you before... somewhere else...
WOMAN: Of course you have... You must have seen him at
the pictures, or on television... I told you, hes a count, and an ambassador...
PATROLMAN: An ambassador?
WOMAN: Yes... and now youve gone and made a fool of
yourself... You should have listened to me... Look - now youve offended him.
FIRST SWEEPER: Oh,
dont worry about offending me... sticks and stones may break my bones...
WOMAN: How kind you are... Thank the count...
PATROLMAN:
Thank you... You must understand, sir, if it was up to me... youd be welcome
to take all the barrows you want... [The flowers sticking out of the bin
start waving in an agitated manner. Evidently the stowaway wants his driver to
get a move on] But this is Council property, and without proper
authorisation, I regret...
FIRST SWEEPER: I understand... Youre only
doing your duty... But I have no intention of stealing it... I only want to
borrow it.
WOMAN: Yes, thats right... borrow it... Otherwise, hows he supposed to get
all those flowers home... ? You surely dont expect a count like him to carry
them in his arms?
PATROLMAN: He
can carry them how he likes, but without a proper authorisation, I am not
authorised... [Now the flowers begin to look too unnatural as they wave
around; the SWEEPER gives them a slap, pretending to brush off flies]
And whats more, havent you thought of the poor roadsweeper. If you take his
bin away, hes going to lose his job.
FIRST SWEEPER:
Precisely... thats precisely the reason... that Im not taking it away... my
bin...
PATROLMAN: Oh, thats rich, that is!
Here you are - you, Lord Muck, amusing yourself by getting roadsweepers the
sack. And as we all know, there are still people around who vote for the monarchy!
FIRST SWEEPER: Hey, no, lets not start
getting into politics... Because in that case, I shall just have to tell you the
truth: here there is no count, and no ambassador... because, if you really want
to know, I am a roadsweeper!
PATROLMAN: Yes, and I am an elephant.
FIRST SWEEPER: [Observing him with
incredulity] An elephant? With a gun? Dont think you can fool me,
because Im an expert on elephants...
PATROLMAN: Fool you? I would never
dream of it! Seriously, though, rest assured, I realised immediately that you
were a roadsweeper...
WOMAN: What do you mean?
PATROLMAN: Obviously, hes a
roadsweeper in evening dress... its their new uniform, isnt it. Everybody
knows that the Council has ordered a new style for municipal employees: were
going to have roadsweepers in dinner jackets, dog-catchers in morning dress,
and sewermen in party frocks... whats odd about that?
FIRST SWEEPER: Alright then, since you want
to start being comical about it... Ill show you my card... [He searches in
his jacket] Hell... it was in the wallet that that money-grubber
took off me...
PATROLMAN: But I told you, theres no
point in trying to convince me. Im already convinced... But now youre also
going to have to convince the Inspector, who is a man absolutely devoid of
imagination... and if he does not get his hands on something... or rather, his
handcuffs...
FIRST SWEEPER: Ha,
ha... that was good... His handcuffs... I was only joking, though!
WOMAN: Yes, thats right, leave him alone... He was
joking...
PATROLMAN: Alright then, will you pick up your flowers, and leave me the bin? [He
turns to the WOMAN, turning his back on the SWEEPER, who leans
against the barrow] And from now on, mind your own business...
NAKED MAN: [Popping out of the bin]
No I wont! [He dives back in immediately]
PATROLMAN: [Thinking that the words came from the SWEEPER] No? Alright, then... I must warn you
that anything you say will be taken down and may be used...
WOMAN: Leave him be... Dont go getting yourself into trouble.
The PATROLMAN turns his back again.
NAKED MAN: [As
above] Go ahead, arrest me... But in the end, youre going to regret
it!
PATROLMAN: [Aggressively] So,
do you think you frighten me? I would advise you to stop fooling about...
Because otherwise, you could end up in trouble...
The WOMAN tugs at his jacket. The PATROLMAN is distracted.
NAKED
MAN: [Taking advantage of the situation, he slaps
the hands of the PATROLMAN, who is holding the SWEEPER by the
collar]
And get your dirty hands off, you lout... [He hides again]
PATROLMAN: Who
are you calling a lout? [He responds by slapping the innocent Roadsweeper
about the face] I warned you...
FIRST SWEEPER: Hey, ouch... gently... That
hurts, eh?!
WOMAN: Have
you gone mad? Now hes going to sue you for assault... and quite rightly,
too...
PATROLMAN: [Again turning his back on the barrow] Oh yes, hes in
the right, because hes a gentleman... In this world of idiots, the rich can
amuse themselves, making a fool of you, insulting you, kicking you in the
face...
NAKED
MAN: [Throwing an apple at his head] And
throwing rotten apples at your head...
PATROLMAN: [Turning round, furious, and again grabbing the Sweeper by the
scruff of the neck] Wretch... ! So you really do want me to give you
a good hiding?
FIRST
SWEEPER: No, no... I dont...
He
receives another backhander across the face, and a punch in the stomach... The
WOMAN, terrified, covers her face with her hands.
WOMAN: Hes killing him... Oh God... Stop it... Help... Hes killed the
ambassador...
NAKED
MAN: [From his hiding place among the flowers, he
watches the punch-up with glees Ha, ha... Nice one... a left hook...
At that
precise moment, the SWEEPER ducks, and the
NAKED MAN gets a punch in the face. The PATROLMANs momentum carries
him pirouetting around the stage. When he finally stops, the NAKED MAN has
disappeared, unconscious, into his bin, after dropping some of the flowers. The
SWEEPER swiftly puts the lid down.
FIRST SWEEPER: [Seeing the PATROLMAN
returning to the attack] Pax. Pax. Im not playing any more!
PATROLMAN: Ah, so youve finally come to
your senses...
FIRST SWEEPER: Yes, yes, I have... You can
keep the barrow, with everything thats in it.
WOMAN: Did he hurt you much? [Turning to the PATROLMAN] Youve
done a fine job there, Officer. I hope youre proud of yourself...
PATROLMAN: Yes, fairly much: if nothing else, Ive taught him that you dont mess
about with other peoples bins... [He picks up the bunch of flowers from the
ground] And now, will you please take your flowers...
FIRST SWEEPER: No, no, you take them...
Its a present... for the winner. Thats the custom...
PATROLMAN: Thank you... With pleasure.
[Without looking inside, he tosses the bunch of flowers into the bin]
FIRST
SWEEPER: The pleasure is all mine... Happy Easter... [The
PATROLMAN gets on his bicycle, and exits, pulling the bin behind him]
WOMAN: Why did you wish him a Happy Easter?
FIRST SWEEPER: Because at Easter you open
your Easter egg, and in your Easter egg, you always find a surprise... [He
laughs]
WOMAN: Stop laughing like that... Because, otherwise,
Im going to start crying...
FIRST SWEEPER: Why, is my laugh that bad?
WOMAN: No, its just that when I see other people
laughing, and I cant laugh because I dont understand what it is thats making
them laugh, I get so angry that I want to cry...
FIRST SWEEPER: But why?
WOMAN:
Because I always end up thinking Im stupid... you know... always the last
person to catch on...
FIRST SWEEPER: And instead you should be
happy, because, as they say: the last shall be first, the penultimate shall be
second, and the third from last the third, and so on...
WOMAN: What
a pleasure it is listening to you talk. It must be good to feel that youre
somebody...
FIRST SWEEPER: To tell you the truth, I
dont really see myself as anybody at all... a nobody in fact... in short, a
nothingness. But since nothingness is... [He sits down on the bench,
dismayed] There, now Ive forgotten what nothing is... But never
mind... Anyway, just to give you an example... If I dress up as a priest, or as
a jester, or as a general, or in evening dress, its as if I was naked. In
other words, a roadsweeper... You see?
WOMAN: Noooo... ! You see, I really am the last to catch on.
FIRST SWEEPER: No, now that I think about
it, Im the last one to catch on... Because if you two [Referring to
the WOMAN and the PATROLMAN who has just left] have
not understood that I was naked, in other words, a roadsweeper, then it means
that when Im wearing evening dress, then I am someone... And so Im no longer
God... Do you follow?
WOMAN: Not
really... After all, youre still a count and an ambassador...
FIRST SWEEPER: Look, I told you, I
have never been either a count or an ambassador... And now Im not even a
roadsweeper... Ive lost my money and my job, all in one go... At least they
could have let me stay God... And now what am I going to tell the Pope?! Hell
be very upset...
WOMAN: [Touching his forehead, worried] Have
you still got a headache?
FIRST SWEEPER: No, no, now I feel quite
alright... You wont believe this, but as far as Im concerned, the fact of not
any longer being everything makes absolutely no difference to me... Because I
may no longer be everything, but at least I feel that I am someone... and the
best part of it is, that others also think that I am someone... and so I am
happy...
WOMAN: And Im happy too...
FIRST SWEEPER: How strange life is. You go
banging your head against a brick wall, you go to incredible lengths to find
happiness, and then, all of a sudden, all you need do is change your suit, and,
zap... ! Youve got it... And all because I met a naked ambassador ...
WOMAN: What naked ambassador?
PATROLMANS VOICE: [From off-stage] Stop
him, stop him...
FIRST SWEEPER: That one...
He points to the back of the stage, where we see the NAKED MAN, in his barrow, crossing the stage at speed, pushing
himself along with the broom, as if poling a punt.
[Ends]
_________________________________________
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Please be aware that this translation can only be performed with
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Last updated: 6.viii.2012
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