ISABELLA,
TRE CARAVELLE
E UN CACCIABALLE
[Isabella, Three Sailing Ships and a Con
Man]
by Dario Fo
translated by Ed Emery
_________________________________________
For all queries regarding performance rights, please contact
Agenzia Tolnay : info [@] tolnayagency.it
For all queries regarding the text, please contact the translator at:
ed.emery [@]thefreeuniversity.net
Original text copyright Dario Fo
Translation copyright Ed Emery
_________________________________________
CHARACTERS:
Two Carpenters
The Executioner [Prisoners Escort]
The Actor under sentence of death, who also
plays Christopher Columbus
A Female Relation of the Actor
Three Ladies in Waiting attending the Queen
Queen Isabella
King Ferdinando
Two Heralds/Standard-Bearers
A Friar
Five Learned Gentlemen
Quintinilla, the Queenss Treasurer
Father Diego
A Nosy Monk
Admiral Pinzon
Bishop Fonseca
Crazy Giovanna
Maria, Wife of the Infante
Two Public Prosecutors
The Vice Consul
Actors belonging to the Condemned Mans theatre
company
Spectators, Sailors, Monks and Townspeople
________________________________________
ACT ONE
SCENE ONE
Before the curtain rises, we
hear what sounds like the beating of drums, of the kind that are used in the
French theatre to tell the audience that the show is about to begin. As the
curtain rises we see that the drum sound is being produced by the hammering of
two CARPENTERS
who are nailing boards across poles in order to build a platform.
The stage setting is suggestive
of a broad sixteenth-century Spanish piazza. Carnival lanterns hang overhead.
In the centre of the square a scaffold is being set up for a gallows. There is
also a fairground pole. One of the CARPENTERS is on top of a
ladder, hammering away vigorously. The other, down on the platform, hammers
more slowly, hitting the off-beat.
FIRST CARPENTER: I ask you is
nothing sacred? How can they go executing people during Carnival!
SECOND CARPENTER: Well I suppose if
youve got to die, one days much the same as the next.
The two of them hammer in
unison.
FIRST CARPENTER: But how can you
execute people when everyone elses enjoying themselves? [He hammers]
Theres no respect in this world any more, not even for the gallows.
They hammer with alternate
blows.
SECOND CARPENTER: Anyway, the fellow
theyre doing today should feel at home... [They alternate hammer blows]
...on this stage, even if it is Carnival: it seems he was an actor.
They hammer in unison.
FIRST CARPENTER: An actor? Theyre
going to hang an actor? For heavens sake! [Hammering furiously] The
only serious thing left in Spain was the gallows... [They alternate hammer
blows] But no sir, now theyre going to make a mockery of that too! This
Inquisition is a joke!
A prolonged bout of hammering.
SECOND CARPENTER: Whys that, then?
Cant an actor be a heretic too?
FIRST CARPENTER: Oh, do me a
favour...! [He hammers slowly, leisurely] How can someone be a heretic
when they only repeat things that theyve learned off by heart? [He takes a
rip saw and begins sawing one of the planks] I tell you, in Isabellas time
you wouldnt find people carrying on like this! Carnival was a time of
laughter, and executions were reserved for Lent. But whats the point!
Nothings sacred any more.
From off-stage we hear the
chanting of a procession approaching.
SECOND CARPENTER: Get a move on,
theyre coming.
From back-stage a procession
enters. Its mood is a cross between funeral and carnival. It should resemble
the processions portrayed by Goya and Ensor: hooded monks, girls with white
masks, black and silver banners, censers for incense, and, at the heart of the
procession, the CONDEMNED MAN, wearing the classic cone-shaped hat, with a sign
saying Arch-Heretic round his neck. He wears a long shift. His wrists are
chained with a long chain. Bringing up the rear of the procession is a large
banner, four or five metres long, a kind of arras mounted on two long poles
which are shouldered by two hooded monks. The whole procession chants.
PROCESSION:
Fides fidelis,
Now repentant, cleansed in spirit,
You shall be happy.
The heretic roars in great agony,
Now he fries, howling, and its as if he was
laughing.
His sobbings, with his laughter, rise to the
heavens,
A mixture of sugar and salt:
Carnival is a time for every humorous match.
The arras, which is decorated
with allegorical scenes depicting the Holy Inquisition, is set up behind the
stage to act as a backdrop. One part of the procession mounts onto the stage,
while the rest gather front-stage. The PRISONER tries to join in
the chanting.
ESCORT: [He wears a
black hood and a rounded mask with no nose] Oi... who said you could chant?
PRISONER: Arent I allowed
to?
ESCORT: Of course not!
Youre condemned to death. Youre supposed to be absorbed in silent thought
about your impending fate. Mortified. So its logical that we do the
chanting, so as to cheer you up a bit.
PRISONER: Exactly. Well, Im
cheering myself up a bit too. Im giving you a hand.
ESCORT: No, you start
exercising your mind. You start despairing that in a while youre going to die.
PRISONER: But supposng I
dont want to think about it?
ESCORT: Then we can get a
move on, cant we!
Two HOODED FRIARS
begin to organise the proceedings.
PRISONER: Wait a minute I
thought you were supposed to burn me at the stake.
ESCORT: Dont worry,
sunshine, youre going to get the full treatment. Were going to hang you and
burn you at the stake at the same time.
PRISONER: Amazing! Now thats
what I call technological progress!
They remove his hood, and put a
noose round his neck. They begin piling up firewood.
Enter a MESSENGER.
MESSENGER:
Stop! Stop!
Orders from the Inquisitor-General...
CHORUS: A pardon! A pardon!
ESCORT: I dont believe
it... youre joking... a pardon indeed?!
PRISONER:
Ha, ha, its Carnival...
CHORUS: You see, theyve
tricked us. Dragging us out here under false pretences to chant and comfort the
mans mortal soul... then they go and pardon him!
ESCORT: [Reading the
heading off the sheet that has been handed to him by the MESSENGER] An Act
of Mercy... [To the TORCHBEARER] Bring that light over here. I cant
see a thing.
PRISONER: I told you so... I
said it was all a joke... Me an arch heretic, ha ha. Arch heretic indeed...
and all this just because I happened to be performing in one of Rojass plays.
[He slips the two links at each end of his chain over two hooks protruding
from the beam, thereby turning it into a sort of swing, on which he then sits,
swinging his legs] Rojas... And how was I supposed to know that Rojas was
up before the Inquisition?! Hey, Im up here, if anyone feels like getting me
down...
ESCORT: [Having glanced
through the decree] No, its all right... relax everyone its not a pardon
after all.
PRISONER: It isnt?
CHORUS: Good job too!
PRISONER: What do you mean,
good job too?
ESCORT: As your last wish,
you asked that you and your company be permitted to perform a play about
Christopher Columbus and Queen Isabella. Well, your wish has been granted. You
can start performing, here and now. This is so that everyone can see that in
our country, when a man is on the scaffold, he can say what he likes. On this
stage, censorship does not exist.
PRISONER: Hey, now wait a
minute! I never said anything about performing a play about Columbus.
ESCORT: What play did you
want, then?
PRISONER: I never asked to do
a play at all!
CHORUS: Oh yes you did.
PRISONER: Oh no I didnt!
ESCORT: Well, someone else
must have asked on your behalf, then.
ONE OF THE ENTOURAGE: Someones played a
joke on you.
He sniggers.
SECOND MEMBER OF THE ENTOURAGE: A Carnival trick,
ha, ha!
THIRD MEMBER OF ENTOURAGE: I love it! Just
imagine, putting on a play on a scaffold! And misery-face there can collect the
tickets.
They all laugh.
PRISONER: Well, I really hate
to disappoint you, but I have no intention of clowning about up here, just to
amuse the likes of you! A fellow has other things to do. I have to start
preparing myself... spiritually... for a decent death. [He begins chanting]
Fides fidelis...
ESCORT: No, no, you start
preparing for a decent performance! Thats my orders, and I dont want
trouble! The Inquisitor-General has granted you permission to perform Christopher
Columbus, and perform it you will, otherwise...
PRISONER: Otherwise what...?
[Ironically] Youll kill me?
ESCORT: Yes... I mean,
look, if you dont make too much of a fuss, I promise that instead of the usual
hanging plus bonfire, which is a terrible way to go... Thwack! [He grabs the
executioners axe from one of the HOODED ATTENDANTS and takes a swing at
him, narrowly missing his throat] Well chop your head off.
PRISONER: [Leaping
backwards in alarm] Dont do things like that!
ESCORT: In fact, I tell you
what Ill even do it myself. Im a dab hand, you know. [He shows him the
axe] One quick hack with this, and the jobs done. [He fingers the back
of his neck] Lets have a feel... Oh, childs play... You wont even say
Ouch!
As he goes to hand back the
axe, a WOMAN comes over to the PRISONER.
WOMAN: Psst!
PRISONER: What?
WOMAN: Tell them youll do
the play... Youve got to play for time... My fathers gone to the High Court
to try to get you a pardon.
PRISONER: Oh really?
ESCORT: [He turns round,
to see the two of them talking] Oh really what? Why did you say Oh
really?
PRISONER: Who said?
EXECUTIONER: You said!
PRISONER: I said? I said
what?
EXECUTIONER: You said Oh
really.
PRISONER: Oh really? I
said... ? A slip of the tongue... Oh no thats right... You see, I was about
to say... [The WOMAN signals to him to shut up] Oh really... So
if you use your big chopper, I wont even say ouch? Ha, ha... !
EXECUTIONER: You dont think Id
waste my breath lying to a walking corpse like yourself, do you?
PRISONER: No need to get
upset! Alright, clear the stage, because were about to start. [He waves the
HOODED MONKS off the scaffold] Where are my actors?
Enter a number of ACTORS. They
bring with them a theatrical backcloth.
ACTORS: Here we are.
PRISONER: Where? Ah, I hardly
recognised you, all dressed up like that. Ah, well done... Bring the
Inquisition banner to the front here. [Two of the HOODED MONKS lift
the arras by its poles and bring it to the front of the scaffold platform, and
set it up as if it was the curtain for this bizarre theatre] Theres two
holes there, put the poles in there, so that we can use the banner as a
curtain. [To the people standing round the platform] Move over there. [Most
of these ad hoc spectators go and sit themselves front-stage centre, with their
backs to the audience] Have you brought everything?
ACTOR: Dont worry. Well
sort everything out you just get on with the Prologue.
PRISONER: [Turning to the
audience] Right. Act One, Scene One. [He addresses a small group who
have sat themselves right in the middle of the forestage] Oh no, now Im
afraid you cant stay there, because otherwise people behind you wont be able
to see... [He is referring to the real spectators in the audience]
...And theyve paid! Move to the sides. [They do so, grumbling] And if
theres anyone whod like to come up and give us a hand, theyd be more than
wecome. Because unfortunately were a bit short of actors.
Some of the audience get up
and go behind the banner. The EXECUTIONER tags along behind them. He is
dressed completely in black, in a costume resembling that of Pulcinella, but in
negative.
EXECUTIONER: Might I be of
service?
PRISONER: Ha, ha, Pulcinella
in mourning... why not! I think we could find a little part for you...
EXECUTIONER: Make me the
sweetheart, alright? I want to be in love.
PRISONER: Yes, yes, you can
be in love. Now, ladies and gentlemen, you are going to have to imagine
yourselves suddenly getting thirty years younger: in other words, we are
turning the clock back. To 1486, to be precise. Its a fair old leap. I should
think most of you werent even born then... [Looking at somebody in the
audience] ...except you, maybe. Watch closely... Ill count to three: one,
two, hey! Here we are!
Two of the HOODED ATTENDANTS hurry the arras off,
stage-right
We find ourselves in one of the
apartments of QUEEN DONNA ISABELLA. Her maids are preparing a bath for her, and
they are singing.
Over one of the beams on the
scaffold a kind of canopy is draped, giving an effect like a battlefield
pavilion, with its cloth sides reaching the floor. With the aid of the two CARPENTERS, three
GIRLS put the finishing touches to the scene, singing all the while. A
number of rustic stools are brought on-stage, together with a large number of
shirts, decorated with ribbons and lace. The QUEEN enters, in a dilapidated
bath tub, whose visual appearance makes ironic reference to the royal throne,
with its sit-up back topped by a carved eagle. Two SERVANTS push this
contraption forward, moving like circus horses. The bath tub, with its royal
contents, is clumsily hoisted onto the platform, and is filled with water from
buckets which are brought on-stage, passed hand-to-hand. The action of this is
meant to be graceful, but merely looks grotesque. One of the GIRLS
spreads a sheepskin at her feet, and another GIRL helps her. As the QUEEN
apparently gets undressed behind the tent, a YOUNG LAD hoists himself up
to get a look. He gets a kicking for his pains. The SOLDIERS too, on
each side of the platform, are moved aside by the girls. The GIRLS sing:
THE FABLE OF THE OYSTER AND THE
PEARL
The young man of Tunisia
who, black as an oyster,
fell in love with her,
had eyes of onyx,
the body of a statue,
the gaze of a virgin,
for he was so timid:
And that was why she fell in love,
she
fell in love with him.
Leonora, fairer than fair,
the Infanta of Castille,
with skin like magnolia,
with ears like conches,
fell in love with him,
fell
in love with him:
with the young man of Tunisia,
who, blacker than an oyster,
when he saw her, turned pale.
The arms of that oyster
closed around her.
With lips that were trembling,
Leonora, fairer than fair,
gave him her mouth.
gave
him her mouth.
But from the keep tower, she was seen
by her three pale brothers.
The arrows flashed:
The young man of Tunisia
plummeted into the sea with her,
plummeted into the sea with her.
He plummeted with her, his arms around her,
He, black as an oyster,
and with her he sank,
She, pale as mother of pearl.
The black man, on the sea bed
closed like an oyster,
And in the pallor of death,
she
became a pearl.
The SPECTATORS applaud.
ONE OF THE AUDIENCE: But whos that in
the bath there?
ANOTHER: Queen Isabella.
MEMBER OF AUDIENCE: Isabella? But Id
heard she only baths once in a blue moon.
ANOTHER: [Looks up to the
sky, humming Blue Moon]
YET ANOTHER: Ssssh!
The KING enters,
wearing slightly over-elaborate royal trappings.
A MEMBER OF THE AUDIENCE: Look, thats
Ferdinand.
FERDINAND crosses the stage with a
ludicrously slow, mournful step, as if walking in a religious procession.
ANOTHER: Is he coming to
have a bath too?
YET ANOTHER: No. He doesnt
agree with them.
ANOTHER: Oh, at last! A
civilised king!
Some of the SPECTATORS laugh;
others hiss at them to shut up.
FERDINAND: [He goes over to
ISABELLAs tent and addresses her] Bathing again?
ISABELLA: Yes, why?
FERDINAND: What do you mean,
why? This is the second time in a week! If word gets around that youre always
washing like this, and that you shave everywhere... like the Arab women,
even under your armpits...
ISABELLA: If you ask me, its
very civilised.
FERDINAND: Yes, but its not
Catholic!
ISABELLA: Oh yes! Anything
that comes from the Arabs must be a sin, isnt that right?! Oh how very
intelligent! How very orthodox!
FERDINAND: But given that the
things that you think are alright, the ortodoxes consider a sin, wouldnt it be
an idea, just for our own sakes, to behave like proper people?
ISABELLA: Youve upset me
now, darling, so do please shut up.
FERDINAND: Oh yes, lovely
language... A fine way for a queen to speak.
ISABELLA: When Im in my
house I speak how I like.
FERDINAND: In your house? And
since when has this been your house? As far as I am aware, this palace
is still the property of the Alcade Medira.
ISABELLA: Precisely. Were
not even renting! People would never believe it: the queen of Spain, homeless,
forced to accept lodgings, one month here, another month there... And then,
since the fish starts to smell after a while, lets have some fresh air! Strike
camp and off we go! We are just two fishes, darling!
FERDINAND: Fishes?
ISABELLA: Royal fishes,
perhaps, but still fishes! Although, on second thoughts, youre just a crab...!
Just my luck I caught the crab!
A GIRL enters.
GIRL: Madame, Father
Galeros is here, with the man from Genoa.
ISABELLA: Oh yes... Tell them
to come back in half an hour...No, wait a minute: tomorrow... some other
time... Im not in the mood today... Tell them Im busy.
The GIRL exits.
FERDINAND: Quite right you
havent got time, because in half an hour theres the salami licky.
ISABELLA: The what?
FERDINAND: Salaam alaykum!
Ive got to meet the ambassadors today.
ISABELLA: Well, theyll just
have to kiss your hands... or whatever it is they kiss... Because Im
not coming down...
FERDINAND: Might I ask why?
ISABELLA: Because Im not in
the mood for parading around with no clothes on, thats why...
The two SERVANTS wheel
the bath away on a trolley. They wave as they go, to the accompaniment of a
trumpet fanfare, as if on board a ship leaving harbour. The KING and QUEEN
and the LADIES IN WAITING wave them goodbye.
FERDINAND: No clothes on?
ISABELLA: Yes! Listen, what
am I supposed to wear? That red Malaga caparison, or that khaki puffy thing?
Theyve already seen me in them a thousand times! Do you realise, I havent had
a new dress, I mean a real dress, in almost a year, now. I have to do the best
I can, with some sempstress. [Her phrases always making do and the wife
of a king are spoken in unison by FERDINAND too, who knows his wifes
complaints off by heart] Make do, always making do. Me, the wife of a king!
Do you realise that some of my ladies in waiting have a new dress every month?
Even go to Perugia and Venice, to order them. And I get nothing.
FERDINAND: Well, why dont you
just get one of them to lend you something?
ISABELLA: Oh yes, bloody
marvellous! Lend me... And whose do you think that yellow dress was that I was
wearing last week for the surrender of the city of Cordoba? Me, the Queen of
Victory, the Liberator of Christianity from the Moorish tyrants, reduced to
having to borrow dresses from her ladies in waiting!
FERDINAND: Here we go with the
Moors again! Sometimes I think youre almost sorry that Ive cleared them out
of half of Spain.
ISABELLA: Of course Im
sorry. Havent I always told you, even before this last campaign began: leave
the Moors alone, theyre our last link for trading with the Egyptian and
Persian markets. But oh no, he has to play the hard man!
FERDINAND: I had to. Anyway,
there are certain compromises with my beliefs that I find repugnant!
ISABELLA: Listen, dont start
playing the philosopher.
FERDINAND: What exactly do you
mean by that?
ISABELLA: I mean that when
you start saying things simply for the pleasure of listening to the sound of
your own voice, without first thinking what it is youre saying, I get an
overwhelming desire to give you a kick up the backside.
FERDINAND: Well said! Now you
insult me, threaten me, even! In front of the girls!
ISABELLA: Dont worry, you
know perfectly well that they dont speak Castilian.
FERDINAND: Even if they dont,
Im not having it.
ISABELLA: What arent you
having? Relax, my little periwinkle.
FERDINAND: Periwinkle? Why
periwinkle?
ISABELLA: Dont worry,
darling, its just a nickname. What the French call one of Gods little
creatures.
FERDINAND: Hey, now look, stop
that, otherwise...
ISABELLA: Otherwise what? You
dont think youre talking to one of your bungling generals, do you?
FERDINAND:
Bungling generals? Heroes, rather, who have fought and won...
ISABELLA: Thanks to my
cannons.
The MAIDS wrap the QUEEN
in a sheet.
FERDINAND: Cannons, you call
them... Thirty three broken down wrecks with only three cannonballs for each of
them.
ISABELLA: Three apiece,
thats right. But at Seville, it only took one broadside from those wrecks
thirty three balls and all the Moors turned white as sheets. Poor things...
You might mock, but I know! I know youd love to get your hands on those
wrecks. But youve no chance, petal! Military cannons remain a fixed part of
the brides trousseau, and God help anyone who touches them! You know,
sometimes I wonder whether you didnt just marry me for my artillery. Its not
everyone whos got a wife with her own supply of cannons! Youre very lucky!
FERDINAND: [In a huff]
Thats it, make fun of me... hit me! I know you think Im just your personal
trampoline. And then you say that you fell in love with me...
ISABELLA: Darling, how could
I help it? A big boy, so charming, so good looking, so child-like... !
FERDINAND: Ha, mother love,
eh? So thats why you wont even let me have the keys to the house!
ISABELLA: Darling, remember
it was you that came and hung your hat on my hook... sorry, your
crown... Thats fine gratitude... Never forget, Ferdinand, that unlike you, MY
father was a real king. [FERDINAND makes an impatient gesture and laughs
mockingly] Remember that my brother was already a king when...
FERDINAND: Oh yes! And what a
king! Henry the Fourth, nicknamed the Impotent King. I ask you, a king who
lets himself be replaced by his sister! They tell me that when you were
crowned, people were shouting: Finally, weve got a queen with... thingummies
[He imitates the sound of a drum-roll] Long live the King!
He imitates a trumpet fanfare.
ISABELLA: Now theres fine
language to use in front of a lady!
FERDINAND: Lady? Youre no
lady, youre a monster. A tyrant. If theres a decree to be signed, then she
has to examine it. I put forward a proposition, my counsellors accept it,
and then she sticks her nose in and Im back where I started... And
everyone looks at me as if to say: What a joke of a king!
Enter the LADY IN WAITING,
from previously. She hands the QUEEN a letter.
LADY IN WAITING: Majesty, the holy
Father who was here earlier asked me to give you this.
ISABELLA: Its from your pal
the Duke of Medina. Tell the Father that I shall not be receiving them,
precisely because theyve come with a letter of introduction. Its about time
we put an end to all this nepotism.
The LADY IN WAITING
exits.
FERDINAND: There you are,
see... ! The letters addressed to me, and you dont even let me see it... Let
alone ask my opinion. If you ask me, that Genoa fellow...
ISABELLA: Hell just be
another con-artist trying to get us to finance some voyage or other...
FERDINAND: It wouldnt have
cost you anything just to find out what I think...
ISABELLA: But darling, its
for your own good. I dont want you tiring yourself out. You know that if you
think too much, you get constipated.
FERDINAND: No! Thats too
much! [He spins round angrily and bangs his head on one of the poles]
Stop it... !
ISABELLA: Alright, darling,
Ill stop... Come to your little Isabella, and lets make peace.
FERDINAND: No.
ISABELLA: Yes, Ferdinand.
Now, dont go throwing a tantrum.
FERDINAND: No.
ISABELLA: Come to your little
Isabella.
FERDINAND: No.
ISABELLA: [She turns on a
commanding voice] Ferdinand, come here at once.
She begins applying a white
cosmetic paste to her face
FERDINAND: Sometimes I wonder
why you bother bathing at all, if youre going to daub that stuff all over you.
Not to mention painting your eyes. Just because youve seen the Arab women
doing it. And then you call yourself a Catholic...
ISABELLA: Ah, I see youre
looking for another kicking...
FERDINAND: Not at all
respect for Catholicism.
ISABELLA: Ferdinand, look,
being a Catholic doesnt mean that you have to be stupid! If I look to the
Moors, its because I recognise that in many ways theyre more civilised than
we are. It was from them that I learnt that to be religious does not
necessarily mean having to be dirty and stink like a goat.
FERDINAND: Excuse me, why are
you looking at me?
ISABELLA: [Ignoring his
comment] From them I have learned to understand even Plato and Aristotle.
FERDINAND: Ha! You see!
Ridiculous! A woman, reading Plato and Aristotle! Anyway, its a sin to read
books written by pagans.
ISABELLA: Do you really
believe what youre saying?
FERDINAND: Absolutely.
ISABELLA: Then take that!
She kicks him.
FERDINAND: Ouch! Whats got
into you?
ISABELLA: Its your fault! I
was seized with an overwhelming desire. You are a half-baked bundle of
banality! And a bigot into the bargain!
FERDINAND: But, but now youre
even kicking me in front of the girls?!
ISABELLA: Relax I already
told you, they dont understand Castilian.
FERDINAND: You know what I
think? Youre mad!
ISABELLA: I see. Mad. Just
because I treat you as you deserve and dont let you walk all over me. But the
partys over now, ducky.
FERDINAND: What do you mean,
over?
ISABELLA: I mean that until a
short while ago the country was at war, and so I decided to let things be,
pretended not to see...
FERDINAND: What did you decide
to pretend not to see?
ISABELLA: Dont play the
innocent, Ferdinando. My cannons... the cannons that you went and pawned with
the Florentine bankers! You got 300,000 ducats on the strength of them, and the
moneys due back on Thursday... [Addressing FERDINAND, who has taken
a gem from her jewellery casket] And you can put that down too, because
its mine, thank you...
FERDINAND: Where do you get
all this nonense about cannons?
ISABELLA: From the
Florentines, actually, darling. Because they came to double-check the
signature. My signature, which you so painstakingly falsified. A truly
disgusting trick!
FERDINAND: The rats... ! Look
dear, I owe my soldiers a months back pay. Anyway, we really dont need those
rotten old cannons any more. Ive decided to have done with war. Finished! Ive
had enough.
He keeps a careful distance
between himself and the QUEEN.
ISABELLA: Oh really? Well,
even supposing I believe you, what about when somebody else decides to start a
war, and you suddenly find those same cannons that you sold to the Florentines,
sold to someone else, and pointing in the general direction of your regal head?
What would you say to that?!
FERDINAND: Damn those Tuscans!
They wheedle their way in everywhere. A fine way to run a kingdom. You need
money you go to the Tuscans... You need to mount an expedition? Go and see
the Genoese. You need to fit out a ship? Try the Vicenzans or the Piacenzans.
And when you want weapons, its the Milanese. Just because theyre all
half-starved back home, they decide to come and live off the fat of the land in
Spain. And we, who had to fight the war, end up in the...
ISABELLA: Ferdinando!
FERDINAND: Shi...ne on,
Harvest Moon!
ISABELLA: Well done, darling!
Youve finally seen the light. Now, just go downstairs and get on with the
hand-kissing... And treat them properly, please. Go on, be off with you!
FERDINAND: Alright.
ISABELLA: [To one of her LADIES.]
My hat, Arabella! [She addresses FERDINAND] In that casket youll find a
false bottom. In it is a purse with 300,000 ducats in it. Make the most of it
its the last that youll be getting.
FERDINAND: Oh, 300,000... !
Are you sure?
ISABELLA: Am I sure, he asks
me! I put them there just for you. [FERDINAND rattles the purse] Dont
shake it, I cant stand the jangling.
FERDINAND: Alright, alright,
but where did you get them?
ISABELLA: Dont go worrying
about it just run along, and dont forget, when it comes to doing anything,
darling, dont use your own brain, because its not really big enough.
FERDINAND: There, you see! You
treat me like a simpleton whos only good for bed. Ouf!
ISABELLA: There we go
again... saying certain things in front of the girls...
FERDINAND: But you already
said they dont understand Castilian!
ISABELLA: Yes, but bed is
the first word they learn. [One of the GIRLS is arranging a lace
collar around the QUEENs neck] Not so tight: youre throttling me!
Exit FERDINAND From
off-stage we hear a loud scream
FERDINAND: [Coming back
on-stage] Whats the matter, what are they doing to you?
ISABELLA: It wasnt me that
screamed.
Enter COLUMBUS. He has
a GIRL in his arms, one of the Queens maids. The girl is unconscious.
The FRIAR supports her head.
COLUMBUS: I beg your pardon,
Majesty, but the girl... She seems to have passed out... We should really lay
her out... Majesty, your humble servants...
COLUMBUS and the FRIAR bow deeply,
still holding the GIRL.
ISABELLA: Forget all that
this is no time for bowing and scraping. Come over here.
COLUMBUS: Forgive me,
Majesty: well need a table. Quick, a table so that we can lay the girl out.
ISABELLA: Why a table... ?
Lay her out on my bed.
COLUMBUS: No, if you dont
mind, something hard would be better.
ISABELLA: [To one of her LADIES]
Himure! Poor thing, what on earths come over her? She was fine a moment ago.
COLUMBUS: I dont know: she
collapsed...
FERDINAND: You dont think
shes possessed by the devil, do you?
SICK GIRL: [Groaning]
Go away leave me alone!
GIRLS: Its the Devil!
Shes seen the Devil! Give her your blessing, Father!
COLUMBUS puts a handkerchief in the GIRLs
mouth.
FRIAR: Ive already
blessed her, but it hasnt helped; were going to have to take her to a
church... we need holy water.
FERDINAND: Oh well done! Great
idea bringing devils into the Queens bedroom!
ISABELLA: Will you be quiet, dear! I wonder if it
could be epilepsy? [She turns to one of her MAIDS] Go and get the
doctor.
The GIRL leaves.
COLUMBUS: Were going to need
two bowls, one with hot water boiling and the other one cold. [One of
the MAIDS goes to get the bowls] Thank you.
ISABELLA: What was that that
you put in her mouth?
COLUMBUS: A handkerchief, so
that she doesnt bite her tongue.
ISABELLA: So you think it
might be epilepsy too?
COLUMBUS: No. I would say
its probably a hysterical fit...
ISABELLA: A hysterical
fit...?
COLUMBUS: Father, would you
mind going downstairs a moment? In the mules saddlebag there should be a box
with some small bottles. Could you bring it up for me?
FRIAR: [He takes a
couple of steps, but then stops, visibly worried] Hang on, that mule
kicks... I dont want to end up with a hoof in my guts...
COLUMBUS: Alright then, walk
backwards when youre going up to her, and that way shell think youre
leaving.
FRIAR: Oh, what a good
idea! Excellent! If youll excuse me...
He bows to ISABELLA.
ISABELLA: Go ahead, Father,
go ahead.
The FRIAR leaves.
MAID: Heres the bowl
with the hot water.
COLUMBUS: [Taking it]
Good, now we need to...
MAID: Look out, its hot.
COLUMBUS: Whats hot?
MAID: The bowls hot.
COLUMBUS: [He suddenly
registers the fact] Oo-ouch!
Automatically he passes the
bowl to another of the MAIDS, as if playing netball. The bowl finishes up
in ISABELLAs hands.
ISABELLA: Its not hot at
all.
MAID: Correct, Majesty.
Thats the one with the cold water. This is the one with the hot water.
COLUMBUS: Ah. Excellent. Give
it to me.
MAID: Watch out, its
hot.
COLUMBUS: Hot?
MAID: Yes, hot.
COLUMBUS: Ooouch! [He puts
the bowl on the stomach of the prostrate GIRL. She starts screaming.]
Yes, its hot. I know, its hot. [The GIRL screams more shrilly]
Alright, weve got the message. Its hot. Thatll do! No need to scream the
house down. [He points to the bowl containing the cold water] Would you
mind damping her forehead?
MAID: Let me do it.
SICK GIRL: Go away! Leave me
alone!
COLUMBUS: And that brazier
down there, by her feet.
ISABELLA: [As one of the MAIDS
goes to get the brazier] What are you trying to do? Roast her?!
COLUMBUS: No, I just want to
burn a bit of incense. Do you have any incense?
ISABELLA: [She goes to her
casket, takes out incense and hands it to him] I have some sandalwood too,
if you need it. Here!
COLUMBUS: Thanks.
FERDINAND: I hope this isnt
witchraft!
ISABELLA: Oh do shut up!
COLUMBUS: [He takes a
small book from his pocket, and begins to read. He walks slowly round the table
on which the GIRL is lying. As he passes the brazier, he throws on
incense]
Erubuit: Decet alba quidem
pudor ora, sed iste,
si simules, prodest; verus obesse solet.
Cum bene deiectis gremium
spectabis ocellis,
quantum quisque ferat, respiciendus erit.
Forsitan immundae...
Labitur occulte fallitque
volatilis aetas
et celer admissis labitur
Annus equis.....[Latin Verse]
MAIDS: [In chorus]
Amen.
FRIAR: [He re-enters,
holding a wooden box] Is this the box?
COLUMBUS: Yes. Thank you. [He
pulls a phial out of the box] Would you mind helping the lass take a sniff?
ISABELLA: Give it to me.
Fetch a seat for the Father!
FRIAR: No, no thank you. I
cant sit down.
ISABELLA: You cant sit down?
Why?
FRIAR: Some mules have no
respect...
He backs off, bending double. ISABELLAtakes the
phial. She removes the stopper and puts the bottle under the sick GIRLs
nose.
COLUMBUS: Not too close; it
makes you sneeze.
ISABELLA: [Taking a sniff]
Makes you sneeze? Aaaa... aaa...! Goodness... [The QUEEN is about to sneeze, but one of the LADIES
IN WAITING sneezes in her place] Thank you, dear.
MAID: Your servant,
majesty.
FERDINAND: Me too, me too...!
[He takes the phial] I do enjoy a good sneeze... [He takes a sniff
and begins a sneeze. Then, with an effort, he stops himself. He looks worried]
I say, Father, it isnt a sin, is it?
FRIAR: I dont know, but I
wouldnt think so.
COLUMBUS: If anything,
sneezing frees us from the bad humours in our bodies.
FRIAR: And also from the
Devil.
FERDINAND: Down with the
Devil!
COLUMBUS gives the FRIAR a sniff. He
then takes a sniff himself, and passes the phial to ISABELLA. She takes
a sniff, and so do her LADIES. There is a chorus of sneezes, in
alternating rhythm, which finally ends up like the E... E... E... prior to a
three-part harmony.
SICK GIRL: [Coming round]
Oh goodness, what happened?!
ISABELLA: Nothing, nothing,
we were just sneezing... Dont get up, dear, youre ill.
COLUMBUS: No, no, let her get
up: shes better now. What did I tell you? It was just a fit.
ISABELLA: Oh well done! But
are you a doctor?
COLUMBUS: No, majesty, I am a
simple sailor. But you know how it is: a sailor needs to know how to handle
these little problems.
FERDINAND: Well done! Youve
done more than just handle it... Reciting psalms in Latin, eh!
COLUMBUS: Youre too kind.
FERDINAND: Dont be modest.
COLUMBUS: Youre too kind.
FERDINAND: Are you the chap
from Genoa who was asking to speak with me?
COLUMBUS: I am he...
ISABELLA: Christopher
Columbus...
COLUMBUS: Cristobal Colon, as
I am known in these parts.
FERDINAND: Good, good, well
done... Christopher Christobal. I have to go down, theyre waiting for me.
COLUMBUS: Farewell, majesty.
FERDINAND: Yes, yes... We may
see each other again. Listen, Father, why dont you come down with me? A bit of
company, with those toadies I have to put up with...
FRIAR: Willingly... Excuse
me... Your Highness...
The QUEEN nods her
assent.
FERDINAND: [To the FRIAR]
I say, your man from Genoa is a pretty smart chap! [To ISABELLA.] See you later, Isabella.
ISABELLA: Later, my little
winkle.
FERDINAND: [Irritated]
Look, stop it, will you...? Now youre even doing it in front of strangers...
Youre evil.
ISABELLA: Alright, alright,
Im evil. But for a start, you can put down that gold medallion you just picked
up. Its mine.
FERDINAND: You see...! She
never misses a chance to humiliate me...! In front of all these people, too...!
COLUMBUS: [Lost in
thought, bowing to the KING as he leaves] Your winkleship... I mean
your majesty!
ISABELLA: Do sit down,
Columbus. I presume it was the Friar who told you that His Majesty is a sucker
for mumbo-jumbo, specially in Latin...?
COLUMBUS: I dont understand,
your Highness... really...
ISABELLA: [With a hint of
a ironic smile] You dont, eh? So why are you blushing...? Dont worry, Im
not upset... In fact, I must say that Im really rather partial to actors. [A
trifle treacherously] Why did you read out that exorcism?
COLUMBUS: It wasnt an
exorcism, madame, but a prayer.
ISABELLA: A prayer... by
Ovid?
COLUMBUS: [Amazed] You
recognised it?!
ISABELLA: Of course. [She
recites the verses, at an easy pace]
The young girl blushes
Modesty calls for a pale face,
and it will suit you best if you feign it.
In fact, the less credible that the truth is...
COLUMBUS: Exactly. But how do
you know it?
ISABELLA: A suitor of mine
once taught it to me. I thought it was a love song, but then I discovered that
it was part of the advice given to an apprentice prostitute by a brothel
keeper.
COLUMBUS: Now that, I promise
you, I never realised.
[REPLACE....]***
ISABELLA: I like your style,
Columbus. That was clever, the way you engineered your entrance. You know, I
like men with imagnation, men with new ideas, not fixed ideas.
COLUMBUS: Well, your
Highness. If youll permit me, thats exactly why I am here. A big idea. And if
youll be good enough to hear me out...
ISABELLA: What is this idea?
Im all ears.
COLUMBUS: To get to India. By
sea. But going the other way round.
ISABELLA: In other words,
following the African coastline. King John of Portugal has already thought of
that...
COLUMBUS: No, Im not talking
about going round Africa. Im talking about a much shorter route to the Indies.
Aiming out across the Western Sea, and getting to the Indies by the back way...
Enter two HERALDS, with the
arras/curtain from previously. They set it up as before. Two LADIES IN
WAITING join with COLUMBUS and ISABELLA in singing and miming
the following song:
LADIES IN WAITING AND HERALDS:
Happily, Columbus tell his tale;
Isabella is wrapt and enchanted.
She feels already as if she is at sea with him.
Wave after wave sweeps up
and around her, the room spins.
ISABELLA AND LADIES IN WAITING:
Oh, Columbus, tell us do,
Why is it that on the bottom part of the world
Which is all upside down,
The sea doesnt fall out, and the people too?
COLUMBUS takes a bucket and acts out his
explanation in dance form.
COLUMBUS:
Take a bucket with water in it.
If you swing it, the water stays in.
Its not a very precise example,
But its effective, when you see it staying in.
The GIRLS enter with
a lighted candle and an apple.
LADIES IN WAITING AND HERALDS: Now explain the
eclipse of the sun.
COLUMBUS: Here, you see, the
sun is a candle.
And the earth becomes an apple,
And the moon is your beautiful breast.
LADIES IN WAITING AND HERALDS: Its already late
and Columbus is still talking:
COLUMBUS: In the lands of
Asia...
HERALDS: ...he says...
COLUMBUS: ...there is a bird,
phoenix by name,
with a face like a splendid woman.
Feathers of gold, of silver and diamonds:
the man who can catch it will be happy indeed.
ALL:
As they listened to him, they felt happy,
As if laid out on the grass,
After having had a good drink and made love,
With a woman resting on her side.
HERALDS AND LADIES IN WAITING: But its still a
daft way to get to the Indies.
COLUMBUS: Isabellas fallen
asleep, so its goodnight bucket, until tomorrow.
COLUMBUS sees that the QUEEN has
fallen asleep. He bows, and as he moves off he trips over the bucket and blows
the candle out. The lights go out.
Trumpets sound. The lights come
up again. As previously, the HERALDS remove the arras/curtain. COLUMBUS is
sitting in the centre arch, like a prisoner on trial.
The KING and QUEEN
are sitting in two armchairs. Next to ISABELLA is a bench. On it are a
number of wooden hands, each portraying a different hand gesture, one with
fingers splayed, one with a finger pointing, etc. ISABELLA is holding
one with a pointing index finger, as if pointing at someone.
Other benches are occupied by
scholarly GENTLEMEN and THEOLOGIANS. One of them is closely questioning COLUMBUS.
He is followed by a SERVANT carrying an umbrella on the end of a long
pole.
FIRST LAWYER: My dear Columbus,
or Colom, or Colon... or whatever you call yourself. You state that you have
captained vessels engaged on, shall we say, trade and commerce. Might I ask,
did you also engage in piracy?
COLUMBUS: [Without losing
his composure] Indeed I have. Yes, I have been a pirate.
A murmur runs round the
court-room.
ONE OF THE SPECTATORS: Hey! Columbus a
pirate! Id never heard that before!
COLUMBUS: Indeed. I was a
privateer in the service of the Anjou family, during their War of Succession
with the Kingdom of Naples. This involved me in attacking, capturing, and, dare
I say, plundering Aragonese ships...
FERDINAND: Uncle Alfonsos
ships, eh? Serves him right, the old stinker!
ISABELLA: Quiet, Ferdinando!
[The KING curls up as if withdrawing into himself, muttering]
Thatll do! [She raises the wooden hand with one finger to her lips,
indicating to him to be quiet] Ssssh...!
FIRST LAWYER: And did you perhaps
also attack and plunder non-Aragonese ships?
ISABELLA: Whats all this got
to do with anything? Are we here to find about a new sea route to the Indies,
or to cross-examine a chicken-thief?
FIRST LAWYER: A chicken thief?
Youre getting warm, Majesty! Ask our Genovese friend what he was doing on the
corsair ship flying the French flag which, on the thirteenth of August 1476,
off San Vicente, attacked a Genovese galleon which was carrying 5,000 tons of
grain and 3,000 head of live poultry!
FERDINAND: Oh I say... Chickens
in bulk, eh?
Seeing the QUEENs reaction
coming, he withdraws into himself almost to the point of disappearing.
ISABELLA: Will you shut up!
She gives him a slap with the
wooden hand.
FIRST LAWYER: Unfortunately for
these plunderers, the galleon caught fire, and as a result, both attackers and
the attacked were roasted alive, along with 3,000 assorted chickens, ducks and
capons.
A MEMBER OF THE AUDIENCE: Oh God, this is making
me hungry!
FIRST LAWYER: Our Columbus was
one of the few to get out alive. Now, just think. [He addresses the SERVANT
with the umbrella, who has absentmindedly stopped and left him uncovered]
Wake up, man! [The SERVANT follows after him again] What are we
to think of a man who happily goes about attacking the ships of his own fellow
countrymen? What are we to call a man who sends his own brothers to death by
burning... ?
A MEMBER OF THE AUDIENCE: The Head of the
Inquisition!
EXECUTIONER: [Sticking his
head out from the wings] Who said that? Who said that...?
FIRST LAWYER: [Pointing to the
prisoner playing COLUMBUS] It was him!
EXECUTIONER: The prisoner? Ha,
ha. Alright, carry on, because hes for the ... [He motions with his hand to
indicate chopping his head off] ...chop anyway!
He returns to the wings.
FIRST LAWYER: [Pointing to the
prisoner playing COLUMBUS] What are we to think of a man so devoid of love
for his fatherland?
FERDINAND: [Waxing
rhetorical, rising to his feet] Indeed, indeed! The fatherland is like a
mother! [He signals to the YOUNG MAN with the umbrella to follow him]
Now, as we know, a man who does not love his mother is either a son of a
you-know-what and so can hardly be blamed... Or hes an orphan... And, as such,
we feel pity for the poor fellow... But we can hardly go appointing the chap
admiral, just because hes socially deprived. The Navy isnt an orphanage, you
know!
The QUEEN tugs at his
arm to make him sit down.
ISABELLA:
Quiet, Ferdinando! Come here. Sit down and shut up. [To COLUMBUS] Columbus,
you stand accused of being a traitor! Step up and defend yourself, or you can
kiss the Indies goodbye.
COLUMBUS: But what can I
say?! This is all a pack of lies! At San Vicente Point, I was not with
the pirates. I was on the galleon that was attacked!
FIRST LAWYER: Oh yes, thats
right, he was with the hens... Or rather, no, with the cocks, but dressed as a
capon!
All the LAWYERS laugh.
Their laughter transforms into a clucking noise. COLUMBUS joins them,
imitating the sound of a chicken, and answering them. This episode ends with FERDINAND
letting out a shrill laugh, reminiscent of the cock-a-doodle-doo of a cockerel.
FERDINAND: [Laughing,
speaking to COLUMBUS] That was
good. I liked that.
COLUMBUS: A cheap joke, Im
afraid, Highness.
FERDINAND: Well, Im sorry to
have to go, but Im afraid I have to leave you.
He gets up to leave.
ISABELLA: What do you mean,
darling?
FERDINAND: Duty calls, dear.
[ISABELLA changes wooden hands. She takes one with the fingers extended, and
offers it for him to kiss] Im off to the Siege of Malaga! But please, do
carry on... No, dont bother getting up.
He goes up onto the gallows
scaffold. From the beams are hanging an armoured breastplate, a helmet,
shoulder pieces and the other bits comprising a suit of armour.
SERVANTS help the KING to dress. By
the end, he looks like a sort of armour-plated puppet.
ISABELLA: To the Siege of
Malaga?
ALL: [In chorus]
Evviva! Evviva! The Moors are in Malaga! [Brief pause] Death to the
Infidel! Hooray!
ISABELLA: War again?
CHORUS: Yes!
ISABELLA: But what are you
trying to do, bankrupt us?
CHORUS: Death to the
heathens!
ISABELLA: Arent you
satisfied that were up to our necks in debt already?!
CHORUS: Moors are heathens!
FERDINAND: Dont be silly,
darling. Relax. And just let me get on with my war.
ISABELLA: Oh yes, relax,
relax! I can see Im not going to get a new dress this month either.
FERDINAND: I wouldnt say so,
necessarily. This time Ive got a group of businessmen from Pisa and Genoa
financing me. If I take Malaga, theyve promised me a lot of money, and so
youll get more than just a dress... Its high time I provided you with a home!
ISABELLA: I wish I could
believe you... Goodbye, Ferdinando, goodbye, and please, dont go playing the
hero, especially when they start chucking the boiling oil...
FERDINAND: Dont worry, dear.
He exits, mounted on two wooden
poles, which the HERALDS carry on their shoulders.
ISABELLA: Dont forget to
write... And watch out for the Malaga girls... You know youre allergic to
them!
ALL: [In chorus]
Evviva! Evviva! The Moor is in Malaga. [Pause] Death to the Heathens...
Yes!
A large globe is carried
onstage. A second LEARNED GENTLEMAN takes up the questioning.
SECOND LEARNED GENTLEMAN: Alright, alright,
Im prepared to believe that the earth is spherical... Ill even agree that, in
theory, if you head westwards, you might even reach the Indies... But youve
still got to cross the sea.
ALL: [In chorus]
And what a sea!
FERDINANDO comes on-stage, accompanied by two
STANDARD-BEARERS with staves and drums. From the other side of the
stage, enter the SARACEN. He too is armed with a long stave. The two ENSIGNS
beat rhythmically on their drums as counterpoint to the following speeches. The
KING and the SARACEN fight.
THE TWO ENSIGNS: Ferdinando went
with his army and laid siege to the city of Malaga. The king heaped fire and
destruction on it. But the Moor was strong, and inflicted a hundred wounds!
Heads were rolling and bodies bleeding; on all sides the crescent moon and the
cross were slaughtering each other.
FERDINAND: [Stopping the
fighting] But now we are tired. Lets stop for a breather. [Both he and
the SARACEN pause for breath, panting] Ah, ha... and now we fight
again, harder than before. [The two ENSIGNS now fight] The sound
of clashing metal, the clatter of pikes, the thud of clubs, the rattle of
armour, and the laments of women.
A MOORISH WOMAN shows her
face over the the top of the tower and lets out a little scream.
FIRST ENSIGN: [Looking at the WOMAN]
Hey not bad!
SECOND ENSIGN: [As he runs him
through] Ha, ha, Ill say...!
FERDINAND: But now were
exhausted. We shout...
ENSIGN: Pax!
FERDINAND: Pax! Everyone stop!
Tomorrows a holiday. And the plagues broken out.
Exit the KING and the SOLDIERS.
The LEARNED GENTLEMEN continue in the same epic vein as before.
SECOND LEARNED GENTLEMAN: The ancient writers
say that beyond the horizon of the Western Sea...
CHORUS OF LEARNED GENTLEMEN: Which is called the
Ocean...
SECOND LEARNED GENTLEMAN: As if by magic, [Roll
of drums] huge chasms appear, and [Roll of drums] whirlpools appear,
and [Roll of drums] smoking swamps, like boiling pitch... and that
fearsome sea screeches and vomits up all kinds of horrible things...
OTHER LEARNED GENTLEMAN: Craters open up
spitting forth showers of lava...
The entire CHORUS lets out a
gasp.
FIRST LEARNED GENTLEMAN: A spray of foam
which swells like an enormous balloon... and another... and another...
Enormous, swelling balloons, bigger even than clouds... And then, all of a
sudden, a big bang!
There is a crash on the drums.
THREE LEARNED GENTLEMEN: [In chorus]
Sufficient to destroy even the largest of ships.
We return to Malaga. The drums
comment on the action.
FERDINAND AND STANDARD BEARERS: Death! Death!
Pestilence and plague! Rabies and scabies! And even one case of amoebic
dysentery!
STANDARD BEARERS: And bedbugs. And
fleas. And lice!
FERDINAND: Even on our flags!
STANDARD BEARERS: What a joke of a
war!
FERDINAND: Three months weve
been running this siege! Ive had to pawn my trousers to pay my soldiers...
This wars a joke!
STANDARDBEARERS: [Aside] This
kings a joke!
They exit, marching in time
with the drum.
COLUMBUS: If I might be
permitted to speak...
EXECUTIONER: [Who had played
the part of one of the LEARNED GENTLEMEN. Whispering to COLUMBUS]
What do you think? How was I?
COLUMBUS: You are the best
actor that Ive ever seen.
EXECUTIONER: Do I get to play
the love scene later on?
COLUMBUS: Ssssh!
ISABELLA: Silence!
LEARNED GENTLEMAN: Ssssh!
COLUMBUS: If youll permit
me... I have been to see that sea.I have been up as far as the furthest lands,
which are called Thule... or Iceland.
CHORUS OF LEARNED GENTLEMEN: Well, what did you
see?
COLUMBUS: I have seen
everything. [As COLUMBUS is
speaking, enter a LEARNED GENTLEMAN with a shaggy beard and a scary face. COLUMBUS takes fright
for a moment] Well, almost everything... No smoking vapours on the horizon,
though... In those lands, I saw sciapods!
ISABELLA: Sciapods? Whats a
sciapod?
COLUMBUS: They are men, your
Majesty, with just one leg and just one foot.
LEARNED GENTLEMAN: And the women?
COLUMBUS: The women too,
unfortunately... Theyre built a bit like mermaids, except that instead of
ending in a fishtail and flippers, they end in a great big foot!
FIRST LEARNED GENTLEMAN: And how do they
walk?
COLUMBUS: They dont walk,
they hop...
FIRST LEARNED GENTLEMAN: [With mocking
irony] Ho, ho, ho! Hopping indeed! Hows that, then?
COLUMBUS: [He hits him on
the foot with a stick] Like this! [The LEARNED GENTLEMAN lets out
a yell and starts hopping around on one leg] ...There you go... perfect...
My compliments...
Everybody laughs.
ISABELLA: Dont push your
luck, Columbus...
COLUMBUS: Beg pardon,
Highness. [He continues, warming to his theme] In those lands I also
came across the Nasaloids. Men, with enormous noses. [He stares at the
enormous nose of one of the LEARNED GENTLEMEN] So large in fact, that in
order to blow their noses, the poor devils were forced to use huge sheets, bed
sheets, double bed sheets, in fact...
ISABELLA: [Indicating
disgust] Ugh!
COLUMBUS: [Playing it down]
Well, small double beds...
ISABELLA: Oh, how absolutely
horrible... Please, stop it.
COLUMBUS: Forgive me,
Highness. I can see that when I speak of sheets it distresses you.
ISABELLA: No, no, you dont
have to apologise. The fact is that I am... How can I put it... Ah yes... Im
pregnant.
Enter the three LADIES IN WAITING.
They support the QUEEN and walk her round the scaffold/platform. Each
time round, the QUEENs belly swells visibly and her walk changes with
her increasing pregnancy.
ALL: [In chorus,
while the two ENSIGNS beat the drum] Evviva! Evviva! The Queens had
a baby. [Brief pause] Long live the King! Three cheers for the Father!
ONE OF THE LEARNED GENTLEMEN: May we get back to
our discussion? But I must ask you, given the delicate state of our Queen, to
use rather more genteel terminology and only describe nice things. And if
anyone starts talking about noses, then Ill break his.
LEARNED GENTLEMAN: Is it allowed to
talk about women?
LEARNED GENTLEMEN: [Consulting
together] No.
COLUMBUS: Would I be
permitted to talk about swallows?
LEARNED GENTLEMEN: [Consulting
together] What kind of swallows?
COLUMBUS: Normal swallows...
without noses.
LEARNED GENTLEMEN: [Consulting
together] Permission granted.
ISABELLA re-enters. She sits down, lovingly
supported by her LADIES IN WAITING. With her, one of the STANDARD
BEARERS also enters, with a guitar. At a signal from COLUMBUS, he
begins playing, to provide a musical backdrop to what he has to say. As and
when COLUMBUS indicates, he plays more intensely.
COLUMBUS: Thank you. This
autumn, I was standing on the beach at Palos, facing the ocean and watching the
swallows leaving. And where were they going? They were flying, precisely,
westwards. Towards that horizon beyond which, according to our learned friend,
there is nothing but flames, billowing smoke and volcanoes belching...
He stops in his tracks, aware
of their looks of disapproval.
ISABELLA: Ugh!
LEARNED GENTLEMEN: Hey, no! Tut, tut!
COLUMBUS: Belching, but
putting a hand in front of their mouths. In short, an inferno. And how could
you expect poor little swallows to fly through a stinking pit like that? The
fact is that this inferno does not exist, and has never existed. Instead, there
is a paradise, an eternal spring: that same spring which those swallows bring
back to us in April, when they return.
ISABELLA: Oh well done,
Columbus, well done! I never knew you were a poet. Go ahead, tell me more about
these swallows...
COLUMBUS: Willingly.
CHIEF LEARNED GENTLEMAN: I too would like
permission to speak, if I may.
ISABELLA: About swallows?
The second round begins.
CHIEF LEARNED GENTLEMAN: About swallows too.
ISABELLA: Without noses, I
hope.
CHIEF LEARNED GENTLEMAN: Yes, Majesty,
without noses.
ISABELLA: Permission granted.
She exits.
CHIEF LEARNED GENTLEMAN: Anyway, gentlemen,
you may find it strange, but I... [Speaking to the GUITARIST, who is
attempting to accompany him musically] Oh, do stop it, will you...! You may
find it strange, gentlemen, but I am in agreement with Columbus.
OTHER LEARNED GENTLEMAN: Hey, no!
COLUMBUS: Oh, thank you.
LEARNED GENTLEMAN: Dont mention it.
It is true that beyond the horizon there is no such inferno.
COLUMBUS: There you go, no
inferno.
LEARNED GENTLEMAN: Nor chasms.
COLUMBUS: Nor chasms.
LEARNED GENTLEMAN: Nor exploding
balloons.
COLUMBUS: Nor exploding...
LEARNED GENTLEMAN: But in fact a sea
which is identical to that which we already know.
COLUMBUS: Could you repeat
that, please.
LEARNED GENTLEMAN AND COLUMBUS: A sea which is
identical to that which we already know.
COLUMBUS: Wonderful!
LEARNED GENTLEMAN: And definitely much
larger.
COLUMBUS: Obviously, much
larger.
LEARNED GENTLEMAN: Definitely deeper.
COLUMBUS: Deeper, obviously.
LEARNED GENTLEMAN: And probably with
larger fish.
Enter the QUEEN, looking
pregnant. A bed is brought on-stage, and ISABELLA goes to lie on it.
COLUMBUS: Thank you, thank
you.
LEARNED GENTLEMAN: Dont mention, it,
Columbus. I agree with you...
COLUMBUS: You see, he agrees
with me.
LEARNED GENTLEMAN: ...that it is
possible to reach the Indies by heading westwards. However, not in a month, as
you believe.
COLUMBUS: Not in a month?
LEARNED GENTLEMAN: No, sir. If you
compare the average speed of a ship with that of a swallow... [Pointing to a
chair] Please, sit down. [COLUMBUS sits down] ...you find that it
would take at least four months to cover that distance.
COLUMBUS: Four months?
LEARNED GENTLEMAN: Precisely. And now,
pray tell me, what king has a ship so splendidly fitted out and with such an amazing
crew as to be able to last four months at sea, with no ports to call at for
food and fresh drinking water? Not to mention the problem of women.
ONE OF THE LADIES IN WAITING: Could you keep your
voices down, please. The Queen is trying to sleep.
LEARNED GENTLEMAN: Alright, alright.
Perhaps we could take this opportunity, then, to discuss this blessed problem
of the women?
In subdued tones, they continue
discussing around the bed, and absentmindedly begin using the QUEENs distended
belly as if it is a globe of the world.
COLUMBUS: Listen, Im not
just boasting, but I have seen with my own eyes the map which Toscanelli, the
greatest scientist in the world... [The LEARNED GENTLEMAN who wanted to discuss the problem of women
makes a gesture of disappointment] As I was saying, the greatest scientist
in the world... Toscanelli had drawn that specifically... [As they pass by ISABELLAs
bed, they all bow] He had drawn that specifically... [Another bow]
He had drawn... [Another bow] He had drawn that map specifically for
King John the Second of Portugal. Well now, that map was accompanied by a note
in his own hand, which completely supported my theory. In other words, the
Indies were to be found at a maximum of 25 or 26 days sailing after leaving
the Canaries and pointing westwards. In other words, a quarter. The distance is
one quarter of the entire circumference of the world. In other words, only 640
leagues. [In the heat of the moment, he prods the QUEENs belly with
his forefinger. She lets out a shriek] Forgive me... Did I hurt you?
ISABELLA: No, its not you...
its the labour pains... Please, would you withdraw.
Absentmindedly, COLUMBUS sits on
the knee of one of the LEARNED GENTLEMEN.
ONE OF THE LEARNED GENTLEMEN: Ouch!
COLUMBUS: God, everyone seems
to be having labour pains around here... the minute they put on a bit of
weight...!
OTHER LEARNED GENTLEMAN: Could I ask you to
show us the map, or at least a copy of it?
COLUMBUS: Im sorry to
disappoint you, but I was given the map on trust, and for me to have made a
copy of it would have been stealing. I regret that I cannot help you,
gentlemen; I am no thief.
Enter two STANDARD BEARERS,
with drum.
STANDARD BEARERS: The truth of the
matter is that Columbus was a thief. Hed had the map copied, but he
didnt dare show it. Because otherwise, if King John got to hear of it, hed
have had him killed.
The LADIES IN WAITING,
having previously arranged themselves around the QUEEN in order to hide
her from the eyes of the audience, pull a large doll in swaddling clothes out
of a big basket which had been brought onstage with the bed.
WOMEN: Its a boy! The
babys born! Its a boy!
They pass the newborn child to
the LEARNED
GENTLEMEN and exit with the QUEEN.
CHORUS OF LEARNED GENTLEMEN: Long Live the
Infante! Lets have a 21 gun salute. [Roll of drums] Hooray!
Pause. Another drum roll.
TWO STANDARD BEARERS: On the same day
that the Infante was born, Malaga surrendered!
CHORUS OF LEARNED GENTLEMEN: Hooray! Hooray!
Three cheers for the baby!
COLUMBUS and the LEARNED GENTLEMEN pass
the baby between them as if it were a rugby ball.
LEARNED GENTLEMAN: [Retrieving the
baby] Oh! Poor thing!
CHORUS OF LEARNED GENTLEMEN: Long live plunder
and booty! Hooray!
Pause.
STANDARD BEARERS: But there is no
plunder and booty! [Pause] The Kings had it all away.
Pause.
CHORUS OF LEARNED GENTLEMEN: Oh, for goodness
sake...
SECOND LEARNED GENTLEMEN: [Unperturbed,
pointing at the infants head] But dont you realise that when you talk
about 640 leagues being a quarter of the circumference of the southern part of
the globe, that would give us a globe whose bottom part measures 50 leagues
less than the top part. In other words, according to you, the world looks like
an upside down pear!!
Without thinking, he turns he
baby upside down to illustrate his point.
LEARNED GENTLEMAN: ...and were not
allowed to mention women.
ISABELLA: [Entering and
seeing what is going on] Oh! For heavens sake, man! Thats no way to hold
a baby! Poor little thing! There, there, there. [She rocks it in her arms
for a moment, and then passes it to one of the girls, turning it upside down as
she does so] Take him away.
COLUMBUS: I never said that
the difference between the two halves was as big as that. Anyway, what makes
you so sure that the world really isnt pear-shaped?
SECOND LEARNED GENTLEMAN: [Running towards
the group standing around the QUEEN] Listen to that! Columbus is claiming
that the world is shaped like a pear!
The LEARNED GENTLEMAN leans out from the platform in such a way as
to lose his balance. He ends up literally horizontal, his feet on the scaffold
platform and his hands clutching a long pole.
ISABELLA: [To the
accompaniment of jeers and guffaws] Do you think so? Oh now really!
Columbus, Im afraid thats going a bit far...
FIRST LEARNED GENTLEMAN: Gentlemen, I have
had enough. I am leaving!
SECOND LEARNED GENTLEMAN: Me too. Four years
now, weve had to put up with this charlatans ravings!
COLUMBUS: Who are you calling
charlatan? Would you mind stepping outside...?
ISABELLA: Gentlemen, silence!
It is indeed four years. And now all get back to your seats, because nobody has
yet given the order to adjourn. Listen, Columbus, would you be in a position to
demonstrate to us your claim that the earth is slightly, how shall I say...
pearoid?
COLUMBUS: Pearoid...? Yes,
perhaps if we were to apply the theory of projected shadows, using a pear and a
light source, a light source which projects the shadow of the pear, leaving the
pear intact. [To one of the LADIES IN WAITING] Could you please get me a
pear?
SPECTATOR: Ah, its time for Columbuss
famous experiment with the pear... Where he stands it on its end...
COLUMBUS takes a candle.
SECOND SPECTATOR: Yes, I know, Ive
heard about it too. But its a trick. The pear isnt raw. He boils it first.
A SOLDIER: Silence, please.
COLUMBUS: Please, could you
possibly get me a pear?
He takes a mirror.
GIRL: Raw or cooked?
COLUMBUS: It doesnt matter,
either way.
GIRL: Anyone else want a
pear?
Enter FERDINANDO with
the baby in his arms, followed by the LADIES IN WAITING. He hands them
the baby, before speaking.
CHIEF LEARNED GENTLEMAN: Personally
speaking, Id prefer a cheese roll...!
LEARNED GENTLEMAN: No, Im sorry, your
majesty, I refuse to be a party to exhibitions which are only worthy of a
sideshow at some fairground. I refuse to accept that I am an inhabitant of a
pear: Madame, I am not a maggot.
FERDINAND: Well, God bless the
little maggots. Excuse me, Isabella, but duty calls. I have to go and conquer
Baza.
ISABELLA: Baza too? Oh no
youre not!
FERDINAND: Oh yes I am!
ISABELLA: Oh no youre not!
STANDARD BEARERS: [As before,
forcefully, and with a roll on the drum] Evviva! Evviva! For Christ, King
and Country! Hooray!
LEARNED GENTLEMEN AND COLUMBUS: Oh no youre not!
FERDINAND AND STANDARD BEARERS: Oh yes we are!
As they exit.
LEARNED GENTLEMEN AND COLUMBUS: No youre not...!
FERDINAND AND STANDARD BEARERS: Yes we are...!
LEARNED GENTLEMEN AND COLUMBUS: Oh all right, then!
ISABELLA: Friends, if I might
interrupt your discussions for a moment, I say that its time we put a bit of
faith in our dear Columbus.
COLUMBUS: Thank you, Majesty.
ISABELLA: Leaving aside his
excellent scientific arguments, there is also the fact, and do not forget it,
that he is willing to risk his own life by going on this voyage.
COLUMBUS: In person, even!
SECOND LEARNED GENTLEMAN: Yes, but hes also
going to be risking the ships that we give him... And the lives of the
sailors...
LEARNED GENTLEMAN: Not to mention the
women...
SECOND LEARNED GENTLEMAN: Where do women come
into it?! As I was saying, the sailors... whose wive and mothers would hold us
responsible if anything happened to them.
LEARNED GENTLEMAN: See, women! I told
you women come into it! Women always come into it.
FIRST LEARNED GENTLEMAN: Murderers, they
would cry. What have you done with our sons, our husbands...?
SECOND LEARNED GENTLEMAN: Our fathers...
FIRST LEARNED GENTLEMAN: Our brothers...
LEARNED GENTLEMAN: Not to mention...
The LEARNED GENTLEMEN
take up grotesquely theatrical poses and postures, culminating in unison with:
LEARNED GENTLEMEN: Women...
ISABELLA: [With irony]
Well done! Youve convinced me! But I notice you werent arguing the same way
last week, and the week before, when you saw our soldiers marching off to Baza
to be slaughtered by the Saracens? [SOLDIERS fence and fight their way
across the stage. One of them dies in the arms of the SECOND LEARNED
GENTLEMAN. Together they form a strange monument] I didnt hear you
worrying about what we were going to tell the wives and mothers of those
poor devils.
CHIEF LEARNED GENTLEMAN: But this is a holy
war. Spain is fighting for its life!
Enter several SOLDIERS, bearing
the body of another on two poles. They are preceded and followed by men and
women dressed in cloaks and hoods.
ISABELLA: Oh yes? And when it
comes to divvying up the plunder, do we send a share to the widows? Do we send
the orphans a share of the profits of the slave trade? And what about the port
taxes...? And the excise duties...? Who benefits from them? Come on, speak up! Were
the ones who benefit. And the widows, nix! We just send them down to church to
light memorial candles and to mutter their R.I.P.s. Alright, then: this
expedition to find the Indies is also a holy war for Spain... as above. In
other words, for us, because if we dont hurry up and find, as quickly as
possible, a way of unhooking our trade from the Turkish blockade, then well
all go under. So I say its worth the risk of giving Columbus a couple of
ships, even if they do sink.
COLUMBUS: Thank you,
Highness!
Enter two HERALDS, with
drums.
HERALDS: Victory! Victory!
Baza has fallen. Theyve surrendered.
FERDINAND: [Entering] I
took it! I took it!
CHORUS OF LEARNED GENTLEMEN: [Absentmindedly]
Evviva! Evviva! For God and King! [They pause] Hooray!
FERDINAND: Today the whole of
Christianity rejoices, because...
ISABELLA: [Irritated]
Ferdinando! If you dont mind, I was in the middle of saying something.
FERDINAND: I think Ive got a
right to...
ISABELLA: Dont interrupt,
Ferdinand. Its bad manners.
FERDINAND: Its you who
shouldnt be interrupting me.
ISABELLA: Me? Ill speak to
you when we get home.
FERDINAND: For the holy Cross
we fought, and under the Cross we won...!
CHORUS OF LEARNED GENTLEMEN: [Their cheers
are becoming noticeably feebler] Evviva! Evviva! For God and King! Hooray!
ISABELLA: Poor cross, what a
multitude of sins you have to bear... [Decisively, pulling herself together]
Anyway, dont say I didnt warn you. The party will soon be over! Soon you
wont be able to use the pretext of holy crusades to go out capturing choice
little black boys and girls and flogging them off all over Europe...
CHIEF LEARNED GENTLEMAN: I say, thats going
a bit far.
ISABELLA: A bit far?! Havent
we even sent them to the Vatican!?
FIRST LEARNED GENTLEMAN: Yes, but we gave
them to the Vatican!
SECOND LEARNED GENTLEMAN: One hundred young
lads, all around the age of 18, to be precise, who were then shared out among
the bishops and cardinals.
EXECUTIONER: [Dressed as a LEARNED
GENTLEMAN] Thats a lie! Who says so? Heresy! Burn him at the stake! Dirty
liar! Hang him!
SECOND LEARNED GENTLEMAN: Whos a dirty liar?
Im only telling you what the historian says.
EXECUTIONER: Which historian?
SECOND LEARNED GENTLEMAN: Las Casas. Bishop
Las Casas.
EXECUTIONER: Bishop...? Ah,
um... Forget I said that!
He disappears again.
ISABELLA: Please, will you
stop interrupting me, when Im acting!
SPECTATORS: Yes, quite right.
ISABELLA: [Returning to
her regal tone of voice] As I was saying... soon youre going to run out of
pretexts... Theres not many Moors left in Spain now just a few in Granada...
FERDINAND: [Leaping to his
feet] Of course, Granada! Id almost forgotten Granada!
STANDARD BEARERS: Evviva! Evviva! For
God and King! To Granada!
CHORUS OF LEARNED GENTLEMEN: [Barely audible]
Evviva! Evviva! Long live the liberation of Granada! Hooray! Even at the last
you will be liberated, Granada!
They exit.
COLUMBUS: But youre going to
have to hurry, because before long it wont be so easy for you to say: Well,
things may be going badly, but its not our fault... its the fault of the
Moors... or of the Jews... of the greedy, grasping Jews. No! Thats not going
to wash for much longer. Before long, theyll be wanting your heads too.
ISABELLA: [She exits,
followed by her LADIES IN WAITING] And ours too, for Gods sake!
COLUMBUS: And Id say that
day wont be long in coming.
VOICE: [From behind the
arras] Now then, Columbus! Dont start on the politics.
COLUMBUS: Well come to that
later. When Granada has fallen.
STANDARD BEARERS: [Entering, with
drums] Granada has fallen...! Evviva! Collapsed, capitulated and crushed!
CHORUS OF LEARNED GENTLEMEN: [From off-stage]
For God and King! Hooray!
Enter all available actors and
actresses, dressed as ordinary common people. From the platform, FERDINAND
distibutes alms like confetti. Many hands reach out to get it.
FERDINAND: [Euphoric]
Double wages for all my soldiers this week! Two thousand rations of rye to the
people, and the same to my horses... Gifts, gifts! A gift for you and another
for you! And another for you... Here, my faithful people, take this, and eat...
Here, pumpkin seeds, really good, youve no idea...!
COLUMBUS catches the bag. Four or five
starvelings leap up to grab the food, and their movements suggest a dance. Two BEGGARS
tussle with each other for the bag.
FIRST BEGGAR: Its mine! Let go.
He gave it to me!
SECOND BEGGAR: Who says, you
tramp!
COLUMBUS: [Crunching
seeds, while he speaks with his friend the MONK, who also chews the
seeds] Ha, ha! Look at them, fighting over a bag of pumpkin seeds... pretty
lousy ones at that. If theyd only give me the chance, Id bring them so much
food, itd make them sick! Id come back with cartloads of the stuff... not to
mention... [At each pause, he spits out seed husks] ...nutmeg, cinnamon,
ginger... Ouch! Every time I say giner, I bite a finger. Kiss it better!
He offers a finger for the MONK to kiss.
MONK: [Running off]
No!
EXECUTIONER: Hello. How was I as
the learned gentleman? Was I good?
COLUMBUS: Very good. Come
over here and change your costume, because in the next bit youre going to be a
monk.
EXECUTIONER: I dont want to be
a monk. I want to be in love!
COLUMBUS: Alright, you can be
a monk in love!
They exit. At the end of the
alms scene, as the common people are leaving the stage, enter ISABELLA. She
sits on the right hand side of the small stage, and checks her accounts in a
big accounting book.
ISABELLA: Hey, no...! Theres
a lot of money missing here... a lot...
FERDINAND: I assure you, dear,
this time I havent touched a thing. I promise you, on my own head.
ISABELLA: Thats not much of
a promise, is it, seeing its half empty. Anyway, someone here is stealing...
And not just one person: its RIFE... Anyone would think we were in Ireland!
FERDINAND: Ireland? Whats
Ireland got to do with it...?
ISABELLA: Well I could hardly
say Italy, could I... Too old hat.
FERDINAND: True. So, according
to you, whos doing the stealing?
ISABELLA: I told you, its rife.
FERDINAND: Well lets hold an
inquiry, then.
ISABELLA: Oh yes, brilliant,
an inquiry. Can you imagine how many big names an inquiry would drag up even
those who were conducting the inquiry let alone ministers and that sort of
thing...!
FERDINANDO: Youre right. It is
like being in Ireland!
ISABELLA: So you see, itd be
best to let sleeping dogs lie.
FERDINAND: I cant, though. It
runs into millions.
ISABELLA: Write-off! Forget
em!
FERDINAND: Ive got debts,
though. Ive got an army to support.
ISABELLA: Youll have to find
some other way.
FERDINAND: Thats easy to
say... [Suddenly he has a bright idea] We could give that Genovese a go,
with his project... Whats his name... ? Columbus.
COLUMBUS: [Appearing, as
if by magic] You called, Majesty? I just happened to be passing, and I
heard...
ISABELLA: Sit down; make
yourself at home [Continuing speaking as if COLUMBUS does not exist]
You might have an idea there.
FERDINAND: No, no, its a
silly idea...
COLUMBUS: Why?
FERDINAND: Itd take at least
four months to get the ships fitted out.
COLUMBUS: [Servile and
hopeful] I could do it in less, Majesty.
FERDINAND: [As if not
hearing COLUMBUSs words] No, we need to find some cash now...
ISABELLA: Listen to me, issue
an order for ships to be prepared for Columbuss trip.
COLUMBUS: [Almost fainting
with emotion] Oh, Mamma... !
FERDINAND: And what about my
urgent need for cash?
COLUMBUS: [Aside] Oh
shut up, will you!
ISABELLA: This month well
just have to make and mend.
COLUMBUS: [Overjoyed, half
aside] What a wonderful woman, make and mend...!
FERDINAND: [Sticking his
head into the wings] ] Quintinilla!
QUINTINILLA enters from the opposite side of
the stage.
QUINTINILLA: Here I am, Majesty.
FERDINAND: What were you doing
behind that door?
QUINTINILLA: Oh nothing, just
listening at the keyhole.
FERDINAND: [Matter-of-fact]
So you already know what needs doing?
QUINTINILLA: Yes. Its a good
keyhole.
FERDINAND: Good. Now, sort
things out with Columbus. Find out what he needs, draw up the paperwork, and
bring it to me.
ISABELLA: Make a good job of
it, but get a move on.
COLUMBUS: Thank you, oh Queen
of the Catholics. May Allah bless you.
He exits, with QUINTINILLA.
FERDINAND: Here we go again! I
get the ideas, I give out the orders, and then they thank you.
ISABELLA: Ferdinando, how
boring you are Now, concentrate. Lets see where were going to find the money
to get us through this month.
FERDINAND: Why dont we double
port duties and excise tax? Plus, we could slap a little customs duty on all
transit goods.
ISABELLA: Brilliant! Have you
thought about whose head this little hammer blow would fall on?
FERDINAND: Obviously, on the
Venetians, and, more particularly, on the Genovese.
ISABELLA: Astounding! And do
you know what I say? That if you try a stunt like that, at the very least, Pope
Innocent the Eighth will send us a Bull of Excommunication and a little bottle
of poison, with a request that we drink a glassful every morning at breakfast
time.
FERDINAND: Why?
ISABELLA: Because the Popes
from Genoa too. And he just happens to be related to a whole tribe of
shipowners, traders and bankers.
FERDINAND: Ouf! Damn, bloody
Genovesi!
COLUMBUS and QUINTINILLA enter and sit on the other side of the stage,
opposite the KING and QUEEN.
COLUMBUS: These are my
requirements, Majesty. [He reads from a sheet of paper. QUINTINILLA
notes his demands in long hand] Upon reaching the coast of the Indies, I
shall receive the golden spurs...
ISABELLA: I see Im going to
have to pawn my crown!
COLUMBUS: And a knighthood...
FERDINAND: There go my horses.
COLUMBUS: Sir Christopher
Columbus. Sounds good, eh? I also think Admiral of the Fleet would be in order.
QUINTINILLA: Admiral of the
Fleet.
ISABELLA: Well have to sell
the few ships weve got left.
COLUMBUS: Vice-regent of all
the islands I discover...
ISABELLA: Ive still got two
daughters to marry off. Where am I going to find their dowry?!
COLUMBUS: Plus 15 per cent on
the gold and on the sale of all the slaves that I acquire for you. We cannot
accept customers complaints in regard of defective slaves.
FERDINAND: Aha! The converted
Jews... What do you think? Theyre all ever so rich; well force them to leave
Spain, and then we can keep all their gold here.
ISABELLA: What an excellent
idea. Well done, Ferdinando! Sometimes Im amazed at you. You really have hit
rock bottom, havent you! Even your Neapolitan Uncle Alfonso wouldnt try a
dirty stunt like that any more! Shame on you!
A MONK: [Entering, breathless and excited,
and with his arms outstretched] A heresy! A heresy!
ISABELLA: [To QUINTINILLA]
Whats up?
QUINTINILLA: Oh nothing,
Majesty. Theres a bit of an argument between the monasteries: the Franciscans
versus the Geronomites.
FERDINAND: Wait a minute
arent the Geronomites almost all Jews?
ISABELLA: Thats right. Jews
whove converted to Christianity.
The first MONK is now
joined by others, and then by a whole crowd, consisting of all the available
actors.
ALL: Heresy! Heresy!
FIRST MONK: Heretics, heretics,
they believe in the Apocrypha! Drive out the sinners!
SECOND MONK: And they
read Plato. And Aristotle. And even Lucian. And the Epicureans!
A MAN: On the walls of
their churches they have paintings of naked women!
SECOND MAN: [Lecherously]
I like it, I like it! Where do we find these churches? Naked, eh?!
A MODERATE MAN: Dont get the wrong
idea. Theyre not trollops, you know. Theyre all saints.
MAN: Naked?!
MODERATE MAN: Saints on their way
to torment.
LEWD MAN: Naked!!
FIRST MONK: Thats right.
Theyre portrayed naked.
MODERATE MAN: Obviously. It was
the pagan soldiers stripped them.
LEWD MAN: Bravo!
MODERATE MAN: Anyway, whats
wrong with that...? Even the Pope has naked women painted on the ceilings of
his churches in Rome. Mountains of them.
LEWD MAN: Long Live
Mountains!
MODERATE MAN: But dont you know
its the Renaissance?
LEWD MAN: Long Live the
Renaissance! And mountains!
ANOTHER MAN: Things are more
progressive, now...
MODERATE MAN: Closed minds, when
it comes to content but when it comes to form phew!
LEWD MAN: Correct. But just
look at the domes! Popping up all over Rome, they are! One next to the other!
So round, so curved. In Spain, as a minimum, theyd have put a screen in front
of them, and probably a bra too! But the Italians barely even notice these things.
MONK: Oh yes? What about
Savanarola, in Florence? Hes burned hundreds of naked women.
LEWD MAN: Live naked women?
MONK: Well, pictures of
naked women.
MEMBER OF THE CROWD: Down with naked
women!
LEWD MAN: Shut up you, youre
depraved! You know what, I reckon that Savonarola will come to a sticky end. I
smell bonfires!
THE CROWD: Heresy! Heresy!
Down with the False Christians! Out with the Jews! Out with the Extortioners!
Give back the money you stole from us! Exploiters! Heathens! Imagine it, they
eat fish all week, except Friday... and on Friday, they eat raw pork! Down with
the false converts!
FERDINAND: [As the CROWD
exits] There, you see! We didnt have to lift a finger. Providence is with
us. Buck up, Isabella. Sign this decree, and then we can expel them. That way,
we get their property.
ISABELLA: No, I couldnt. Im
a queen, me, not a son of a you-know-what.
FERDINAND: Are you implying
that I, on the other hand...
ISABELLA: Where do you come
into it?! You, poor thing, you were born an orphan. Who knows what your mother
was? And anyway, youre a military man...
FERDINAND: [Insulted]
What?
ISABELLA: Yes, I mean that
certain things are open to you: rape, pillage, that sort of thing... Those are
the ways of war. Then, afterwards, a few stirring words: Fatherland! Family!
Morality! The blood so generously spilled by our sons... ! And there you go,
back on your feet.
FERDINAND: You could add, back
on our feet, but up to our necks in shit.
ISABELLA: Which of course is why
military men like yourself always walk with their heads high. Here in Spain, of
course, I mean...
QUINTINILLA: [He enters,
followed by COLUMBUS, and hands a sheet of parchment to the QUEEN]
Here you are, Majesty. Here are Columbuss requirements, if youd care to take
a look...
COLUMBUS: ...and then sign on
the dotted line...
ISABELLA: Fine. Lets have a
look.
So saying, she picks up her
quill pen.
FERDINAND: No wait. You
should look at mine first.
He puts his own parchment down
on the table, and removes that of COLUMBUS.
ISABELLA: [Irritated]
I told you, no. Heres what Ill do with your stupid expropriation order...
She rips it up.
FERDINAND: Oh yes? Well then,
this is what Ill do with your project for the Indies...
He rips up COLUMBUSs
document.
COLUMBUS: [In a state of
consternation, picking up bits of paper, which have fallen like confetti all
over the stage] Hey, no! Thats not fair! Why take it out on me?
[FERDINANDO goes and sits in a corner of the stage] ] So what do I do
now?
ISABELLA: Dont take it
personally, Columbus. It would have had to be rewritten anyway. I could never
have signed it with conditions like that.
COLUMBUS: Alright, why dont
we just talk about it, then? Just show me the bits you dont like.
ISABELLA: But Columbus, dont
you understand that now is not the moment? Theres half a revolution going on.
[We hear shouting from off-stage] Do you hear that din... And Im
supposed to stand here arguing about whether you get golden blooming spurs!
VOICES OFF-STAGE: Spain for the
Spaniards! Defend our race! God is with us!
$$$
COLUMBUS: Its only the usual
bunch of nutters.
FERDINAND: Nutters?! How dare
you call the best part of our nation nutters? You should watch your words, my
dear Columbus!
ISABELLA: And as for your
requirements: Vice Regent, plus 10 per cent on the slaves, 8 per cent on the
gold If you like, Ill just abdicate, and you can marry Ferdinando... That way
we can crown you queen, and have done with it.
COLUMBUS: Well, I didnt mean
to... Perhaps youre right, I went a bit far... I was just thinking...
ISABELLA: There, well done:
just think, go away and have a good think, and in a month or two, if Im in the
mood and assuming I have the time, well talk about it. Goodbye.
She makes as if to leave.
COLUMBUS: [Distraught]
In a month or two? But I dont even know where Ill be in a month or two.
Majesty, I dont want to overstress the point, but I am very horribly
penniless. I dont have two cents to rub together.
FERDINAND: Shes not the
Social Security, you know.
ISABELLA: [To FERDINAND]
Quiet, periwinkle! [Turning to COLUMBUS] Columbus, I would help you if I
could. Unfortunately, Im even worse off than you are. I dont know where I
could find that kind of money.
FERDINAND: I suppose you
really took me for the King of the Big Money?
ISABELLA: No, youre just the
Joker that takes everything. Goodbye, Columbus... And pay attention to this:
when you go down, if you happen to run into those nutters, dont call them
crazy, dont look down on them, but join them, and shout as loud as you can,
because at this precise moment its the only way to save us.
Exit ISABELLA and FERDINANDO.
Enter a number of fanatics, shouting, with sticks in their hands. .
COLUMBUS and QUINTINILLA join in the chorus.
SONG OF THE DALLY, DALLY,
DALLY, DALLY, DALLY.
Dally, Dally, Dally, Dally,
Dally, Dally,
Every now and then it gives a
certain pleasure
To be able to kill someone,
To be able legally to let off
The envy of feeling yourself to
be nobody.
Plunged as we are in
wretchedness,
Come on, let us sing, let us
cover, with raspberries,
This lament of animals on their
knees:
Come on, let us tread them
underfoot,
Come on, come on,
Let us tread them underfoot without
pity.
Oh what a great invention is
the enemy,
An enemy who is unarmed.
Let us thank whoever it was
procured him for us,
Pointed him out and already
beat him for us.
Let us thank the authorities,
With the forces of law and
order in the streets
We are convinced that the world
is a party,
That everything is made for us,
And that
Everything is made for us,
For us respectable people,
For us right-thinking people,
For us moralists,
For us conformists,
Because Christ died for us,
Because we had him killed,
But then we had him gilded,
And nailed on crosses of
silver,
And raised him on our trophies
and our shields,
Because, as we know, exceptions
notwithstanding,
This will be the end of every
poor Christ.
At the end of the song, enter
the two HERALDS, with drums, tending to drown out the shouting of the FANATICS.
They try to gain the crowds attention.
COLUMBUS: That Ferdinandos
an idiot... Crook, wretch! Hes ruined me, he has...
QUINTINILLA: Precisely! And what
about that Queen of his? She pretends to be all heart, but that hasnt stopped
her signing the decree for chasing out the Jews.
COLUMBUS: What? Youre
kidding!
QUINTINILLA: Im not. Theyve
got two months to get out. Theyre letting them sell anything they want, but they
arent allowed to take gold, silver or precious stones out of Spain.
COLUMBUS: Thats a pretty
pickle! So what do they get when they sell their houses, then?
HERALD: [Up until this
point he has been reading in a whisper; he now raises his voice] You are
entitled to trade your goods for sheep and mules, for goods manufactured
locally, and for religious indulgences which can be obtained from the relevant
church authorities.
ISABELLA: [Entering from
the back of the stage, with FERDINAND] Please, remove that clause about the
sale of indulgences. At once! Its too embarrassing...
FERDINAND: But, my dear,
thats going to be worth something like 30 per cent.
ISABELLA: I dont care. I
told you, I dont want it... [She bursts into tears] Its disgusting!
FERDINAND: Alright, alright:
if you like we can also return all the money weve taken off them.
ISABELLA: Oh, well said! So
what do we give our daughter, when she gets married next month, ugly little
thing that she is...
FERDINAND: [He puts his arm
round her waist and leads her offstage] Precisely! What a shame there are
so few Jews to be driven out.
COLUMBUS: Poor sods! Where
are they all going to end up?
QUINTINILLA: In Italy, most of
them. Some of them have managed to get credit notes from Italian banks. Theyve
sold their houses, land, everthing, at knock-down prices, to the Venetians and
the Piedmontese.
COLUMBUS: So the only people
wholl benefit from all this will be the Italians all the Italians except me.
QUINTINILLA: Because youre half
asleep, my boy. Do you know what I think? Youre finished. You dont have the
spirit you had when you first arrived here. Good God, you dont even tell your
fancy stories any more!
COLUMBUS: To tell you the
truth, I do have a little trick up my sleeve, but I reckon its too
risky.
QUINTINILLA: Listen, the
position that youre in, whats one risk more or less? Anyway, historys great
deeds are done by people under pressure and you, my friend, are under
pressure.
COLUMBUS: Too true. Tell you
what, would you mind coming with me to the monastery of Radiba?
QUINTINILLA: Who do you want to
see?
COLUMBUS: The Queens sons
tutor... If I can get hold of him.
QUINTINILLA: Who, Father Diego
the theologian? But youre joking... !
COLUMBUS: Yes, I know, hes
very intelligent. But hes also disgustingly honest. Just imagine, he collected
a huge amount of money for the poor, and then he actually gave it to them.
A MONK appears at the top of
the small ladder that leads to the platform. He hands COLUMBUS a bell,
so that he can ring it. COLUMBUS does so.
MONK: [Pretending to run and open a
non-existent door] Coming.
COLUMBUS: You have to box
clever with a man like that.
They find themselves around a
table, standing before FATHER DIEGO. Hands are shaken and introductions are
made. Some wine is brought. COLUMBUS, or rather the actor playing
Columbus, takes advantage of the introductions in order to talk to the WOMAN
who had advised him to perform the play in order to gain time. The WOMAN
is discovered leaning against the wings, stage right.
ACTOR PLAYING THE PART OF COLUMBUS: Hey!
Have you got any news for me?
WOMAN: Possibly. Father
Cohen has gone to speak with His Eminences secretary personally. Theyre going
to see the King together. Youll see theyll get you off...
ACTOR: Jesus, I hope youre right! [The actor
playing QUINTINILLA tries to bring him back to his part] Theyre
going to have to get a move on, though, because were just about to finish Act
One.
He is drawn away into the group
of FRIARS.
WOMAN: But theres still a
whole other act, isnt there? Keep it up youll see, your pardon will come.
FATHER DIEGO: So you really have decided to
leave?
COLUMBUS: Yes. Tomorrow at
the latest. Im going to England. It appears that Bartolomeo, my brother, has
managed to make a deal with King Henry.
COLUMBUS and FATHER DIEGO attempt to
draw to one side, but they keep tripping over the MONK who had opened
the door, and who now does everything he can to overhear the secrets being
discussed by COLUMBUS.
FATHER DIEGO: For your trip to the Indies?
COLUMBUS: Yes, and to tell
the truth, he didnt take a lot of convincing... Obviously, my brother was able
to speak a little bit more freely than Ive been able to.
FATHER DIEGO: Why? You havent been hiding
something from the Queen, have you?
COLUMBUS: Unfortunately, yes.
[He goes and sits down. The nosey MONK comes and stands behind him]
You see, it wouldnt be very proper to show one king documents that had been
stolen from the king next door. Not to mention the fact that King John of
Portugal has a very poor sense of humour. [He gets up. The nosey MONK
sits on his chair. COLUMBUS sits down again. On the MONKSs knee.
He leaps up and lets out a yell] Hed have sent out two of his hatchet men
with orders to use my balls for rosary beads...
FATHER DIEGO: You could have shown them in
confidence.
COLUMBUS: Confidence, at the
court of Isabella?! [He swaps seats, but once again he finds himself sitting
on the MONKs knee. Another yell] With all those hangers-on...
informers... spies, hiding in every corner!
He gives the nosey MONK a mean look.
FATHER DIEGO: But youre telling me.
COLUMBUS: Im only telling
you because Im leaving tomorrow. He wont be able to catch up with me in
England. Ha! Isabella, youll have to eat your words, youll see. But it serves
her right. Seven years she made me suffer. A lot of fine words... [He goes
to sit on another seat, having first made sure that theres nobody occupying it]
but all to no avail. [He leaps up, as if bitten by a scorpion. By now he is
obsessed by the idea that every seat in the place must have a monk sitting on
it] A monk... A little monk!
FATHER DIEGO: Where?
COLUMBUS: There, there, a
little monk! Oh, mamma mia, a little monk, there! What a nice little monk...
What a small little monk... ! [He regains control of himself] Sorry, my
mistake... Its a nun...
FATHER DIEGO: Oh!
COLUMBUS: Yes, Isabella is
going to regret this... And Ferdinando!
FATHER DIEGO: [Amused] Youre talking as
if the success of your expedition is already guaranteed.
COLUMBUS: [Suddenly
becoming serious] Certainly its guaranteed. Look here.
He pulls out some papers.
NOSEY MONK: Whats all that?
QUINTINILLA: [Out of the side
of his mouth, in a loud whisper] Its a copy of Toscanellis letter, and
his maps, removed from the secret archive of King John the Second of Portugal.
He lays out a folder containing
documents.
FATHER DIEGO: Amazing!
COLUMBUS: Now, as you can
see, it would hardly have been delicate to go to the Queen and say: You know,
since Im bored, and Ive wasted time, Im off. I had to succeed in convincing
the Queen without showing all my cards.
FATHER DIEGO: And are you sure that the
authority of Toscanelli [The MONKs curiosity gets too much for him.
He pokes his head right in the folder. FATHER DIEGO suddenly shuts the
folder, imprisoning the MONKs face] ...would have been sufficient
to satisfy her?
COLUMBUS: Well, if Toscanelli
wasnt enough... heres my trump card! [Like a conjuror, he pulls out a
heavy golden mask and displays it in front of him] With this Id have had
her eating out of my hand!
QUINTINILLA AND FATHER DIEGO: Ooooh whats
that?!
COLUMBUS: Pretty scary, eh! [He
laughs] Have you never heard tell of certain kings of our hemisphere who go
round with things like this on their faces?
FATHER DIEGO: No. Not at all.
COLUMBUS: Precisely. This
mask comes from the other hemisphere. It is worn by the kings of Jipango. It
appears that they never take it off, not even to eat.
MONK: And how do they manage it, with such a
small opening for the mouth?
COLUMBUS: [Put out]
They eat through their noses. In fact, they eat only small fruit: grapes,
berries, and cherries.
FATHER DIEGO: And the cherry stones?
COLUMBUS: [Shrilly]
They spit them out through the eyeholes!
MONK: Brilliant!
FATHER DIEGO: Lets have a look... [He takes
the mask] Phew, what a weight!
COLUMBUS: Obviously. Its
solid gold.
QUINTINILLA: And how did you
come by it?
COLUMBUS: I had it from an
Arab I met in Guinea, in the days when I was transporting slaves.You see, that
Arab was the only man note this the only man in a village inhabited
entirely by women.
MONK: Entirely by women!
PECTATOR: And how were they, these women?
COLUMBUS: Splendid creatures.
Gentle, delicate... A bit undressed, but slender, bronzed, and most
particularly very well-anointed, and also bejewelled... very bejewelled. I, in
order to gain the Arabs friendship, passed myself off as a Muslim. I speak
fairly good Arabic. He believed me, told me a load of secrets, which was how I
came to know that all those splendid, bronzed, undressed and particularly
bejewelled women, that all those very young women, had been brought by him from
the Indies, where he had been carried thanks to a terrible storm which had
driven him off to the West, forcing him to cross the entire Ocean. In twenty
days, thanks to that storm, he had arrived from Africa to the Indies. I was
amazed. Anyway, before he would let me leave, that Arab made me swear on the Koran
that never yes, I know its terrible, but... Anyway, I had to swear that I
would never talk with anybody about what I had seen and known. Then he kissed
me, embraced me, and gave me this wonderful golden mask.
QUINTINILLA: Im amazed!
FATHER DIEGO: I, in turn, am also amazed. This
story is so fantastic that...
COLUMBUS: Fantastic but true.
QUINTINILLA: Certainly, given
the proof offered by the mask...
FATHER DIEGO: But why didnt you tell all this
to the Queen?
COLUMBUS: Oh yes tell them
that I swore on the Koran! Dont forget that everyone loves a good bonfire
these days... especially with winter coming and the poor devils cant afford
the cost of a coal fire... And you cant beat a good burning at the stake... So
anyway, thats why Im not waiting. Im off, immediately. Goodbye, Father.
He gets up, and takes his leave
of the MONKS.
Enter, front-stage, two HERALDS with a
drum. As COLUMBUS and his friend exit, FATHER DIEGO furtively
goes to meet ISABELLA on the central platform. They mime conferring
excitedly.
HERALD: [With a roll of
drums] The honest monk believed the story, and that night went to wake
Isabella. He told her of Toscanellis maps and of the golden mask brought from
the Indies; he told her that Columbus was about to leave for England, to seek
ships from Henry of York.
They exit.
ISABELLA: For heavens sake,
we have to stop him. You must persuade him to stay. Tell him that well accept
all his conditions, apart from the one about being Queen in my place, of course.
[Exit Father Diego] Quintinilla!
QUINTINILLA: [He approaches
the QUEEN] Here I am! Just keyholing, Majesty.
ISABELLA: Give orders for
Columbuss voyage to be prepared. At once. [Another man steps forward, and
she addresses him] Speak, Pinzon.
PINZON: If Columbus is
agreeable, I would be happy to go with him. With my Pinta. An excellent
ship, believe me. That would make three ships.
Exit ISABELLA and PINZON.
Enter COLUMBUS.
QUINTINILLA: [Going over to
him; excited] They fell for it, Captain hook line and sinker! Weve won!
COLUMBUS: We fooled them!
Fooled them with a mask of gilded bronze!
QUINTINILLA: Christopher,
without doubt you are the biggest bullshitter I have ever known!
COLUMBUS: My dear friend, in
a world of liars like this, you have to spin a good tale to survive.
QUINTINILLA: And so, you really
could say that Columbus was doubly brazen-faced.
A dozen actors enter, dressed
as SAILORS.
They leap up onto the platform and begin to sing. During the song, the platform
is transformed into a ship. The poles become masts; sails, rope ladders and
flags are hoisted. The sides of the platform are turned up, and become the
sides of the ship. Halfway through the song, enter ISABELLA and FERDINAND,
followed by the court. They are here to see the ship off as it sets out on its
voyage.
SONG:
END OF ACT ONE
_________________________________
ACT TWO
SCENE ONE
The actors line up on the
platform, which is now decorated as a kind of podium. They are wearing the costumes
of the LORDS AND LADIES of the court of Isabella. They sing:
Gloria, Gloria!
Columbus returned from the Indies with parrots,
With ten savages dressed in bird feathers,
Guano necklaces, worn with much decorum.
Enter COLUMBUS,
followed by several sailors.
As for gold, though, there wasnt a lot.
But his entry into Castille was a triumph,
In the eyes of all there was amazement,
He would have to return for a further battle,
And everyone believed him, put their trust in
him.
Those who previously made fun of him, were now
praising him;
Offering him their tasty younger daughters,
Albeit against their will, and even their wives,
And they made him Admiral, by grace of the King.
Gloria, Gloria!
After a year had passed, he set off again for
the Antilles,
Returning with slaves painted up like
butterflies,
And many a dirty monkey that did their dirty
business;
As for gold, though, there wasnt a lot.
But his stories caused great amazement,
even though some people didnt believe him.
Were going to have to go back,
Im certain Im not mistaken.
And some credulous people put their trust in
him.
Those who previousy were singing,
were now singing counterpart:
So this discovery is not really worth so much?
But they still applaud him, even if against
their will,
Hes still Admiral, by fault of the King.
Gloria, Gloria!
For the third time, Columbus reached the
Antilles,
But he returned bound in chains like a rebel,
And the holds were packed with gold.
All gold, which now belongs to the King.
They will have a trial, but with reluctance.
In Isabellas heart there is such clemency:
It was he who filled their cupboard.
But kings are not noted for their gratitude.
Those who were already making fun of him,
now let loose on him:
Columbus is a villain, is a dirty crook,
is a thief, a spy, and does not love Holy Mary,
and now he is not even Admiral any longer,
and he doesnt love Jesus,
he doesnt love Jesus!
The final part of the song is
danced by the assembled COURTIERS, in such a way as to give the impression
that we are at a palace party.
CHORUS: Long live the bride
and groom! Hooray! Hooray!
From out of the group of
dancers emerges a SAILOR, with a WOMAN on his arm; then
another, with a BISHOP on his arm.
FONSECA: Put me down, put me
down!
SAILOR: Oh, I am sorry, your Eminence!
FONSECA: Sorry... Sorry...
Thats the third time youve picked me up today!
Exit everyone except COLUMBUS and the SOLDIER.
COLUMBUS: [In chains,
turning to the SOLDIER accompanying him] Whos getting married?
SOLDIER: Isabellas younger son.
COLUMBUS: Who, Giovanni? But
hes only a baby...
SOLDIER: Behaves like a baby, but hes nineteen
if hes a day.
CHORUS: Long live the
bride!
Enter CRAZY GIOVANNA:
the same actress that played ISABELLA in the previous act. Whereas
previously she had a large head of blond hair, now her hair is black.
CRAZY GIOVANNA: Down with the bride!
A COURTIER: Here she is again Crazy Giovanna!
COLUMBUS: [Bowing to GIOVANNA]
Your Majesty... Your Majesty... I...
GIOVANNA: Oooh! What lovely
chains! From what Ive seen, they must be the latest fashion. Ill have to get
a set made for myself! Ive noticed that a lot of people seem to be wearing
them these days. Ill have to see the Inquisitor-General. They say you can get
all kinds chains for single people, for couples, even for whole families!
COLUMBUS: You majesty, I like
a joke as much as the next man, but why are you making fun of me?
GIOVANNA: Joking? Whos
joking? More to the point, why do you call me Your Majesty? I hope you
havent mistaken me for my mother...
COLUMBUS: Are you not the
Queen?
GIOVANNA: I say... thanks for
the compliment. Am I really that boring? Im the Princess Giovanna.
COLUMBUS: Ah, Crazy Giovanna.
Ooops, sorry, slip of the tongue... forgive me.
GIOVANNA: Oh, it takes more
than that to offend me. In fact, to tell you the truth, I really like the role
of the crazy woman... and now you like me... havent I grown, eh! But please, lets
forget the formalities. Come along, Ill introduce you to some of these
baboons. Look, that one down there is the bridegroom, my brother. [She
points off-stage] Look how infatuated he is with his German lady. He cant
wait to get her into bed. Hang on, Ill introduce you to her. Maria!
MARIA: [from offstage] What do you want,
Giovanna... ?
GIOVANNA: Come here a
moment... [Enter MARIA] Isnt she pretty! Imagine, shes barely turned
eighteen and already she can say Mummy, Daddy and wee-wee! Here you are, Maria,
Id like you to meet our chief Admiral.
MARIA: Whys the admiral in chains?
GIOVANNA: Oh, its quite
normal at the court of Isabella. Its a sign of honour.
MARIA: Sign of honour?
GIOVANNA: Yes, you see. Since
all the swindlers, shysters and hangers-on are free to roam where they please
in this land, its only right that anybody who actually contributes to
the royal coffers should be in chains.
COLUMBUS: I say, Majesty...!
GIOVANNA: Quiet, Columbus...
Down, boy!
MARIA: I dont understand...
GIOVANNA: Dont worry.
Anyway, youre not here to understand; youre here to screw my brother.
FERDINAND: [Entering,
authoritarian] Giovanna, what are you doing here? Maria, darling, your
Giovanni is looking for you.
MARIA: Oh yes? Im coming at once. [She
curtseys] Admiral... Giovanna... Papa...
She runs off.
FERDINAND: Wheres your
mother?
GIOVANNA: Shes in there.
Shes making up the bed for my brother and his instrument of fornication.
FERDINAND:
Dont be so vulgar. Mind your manners.
GIOVANNA: Manners? Whos
talking?! At least I didnt pretend not to have seen our Admiral...
FERDINAND: Oh, Columbus!?
He realises that he is in
chains.
COLUMBUS: You called...?
FERDINAND: Why are you in
chains? Has everyone gone mad?
SOLDIER: It was our orders, Majesty...
FERDINAND: Take them off, at
once! [While the SOLDIER fiddles with the lock] Im sorry,
Columbus. Obviously theres been a misunderstanding. There was no order to put
you in irons.
GIOVANNA: But in boiling oil.
With sage and onion stuffing. Ha, ha!
FERDINAND: [Irritated]
Will you stop that, Giovanna?
COLUMBUS: [So as to change
the subject] How is the Queen?
FERDINAND: Not very well. She
still hasnt got over the shock. Did you know that the Infanta died?
COLUMBUS: Yes, I did hear,
and I must say...
FERDINAND: I believe you. We
were all terribly upset.
COLUMBUS: What can I say...?
FERDINAND: And then this young
lad who is getting married... so delicate...
GIOVANNA: Its like marrying
off a couple of girls.
FERDINAND: I thought I warned
you, Giovanna!
GIOVANNA: [Distancing
herself] Did I say something wrong?
Nonchalantly she pretends to be
feeding a clutch of non-existent chickens.
FERDINAND: You see that? Poor
Giovanna! This is a great worry for the Queen. Have you noticed how her mind
wanders? Its getting worse every day.
COLUMBUS: Sounds pretty
sensible to me. She called these chains the highest honour of your kingdom!
FERDINAND: Very amusing! Well
see if you manage to be so comical in front of the judges!
Two confessionals are brought
onstage, on wheels. In the first is BISHOP FONSECA; in the
second, the other PROSECUTOR.
TWO HERALD: [Entering, with a drumroll]
Albeit not in official form, Columbus was put on trial for his alleged
misdeeds.
ACTORS and CARPENTERS busy themselves
arranging the ship on which the court proceedings will take place. The actor
playing the part of COLUMBUS is approached by the WOMAN from
previously.
WOMAN: Hey, cheer up! The
Kings received the petition and hes sent for the Inquisitor-General. All we
need now is his signature.
CONDEMNED MAN: Phew! Thank
goodness!
The stage is now ready. BISHOP FONSECA
rises, in his role as prosecutor.
FONSECA: Christopher
Columbus, we are gathered here in order to pass judgement on your operations,
both as a citizen and as commander of a ship in the service of the King.
SECOND PROSECUTOR: You yourself, in
your diary written during your first voyage, tell the tale of an attempted
mutiny...
A gong sounds.
COLUMBUS: Its true. [In
an instant, we see him as if he is in a painting, on the very plausible poop of
a ship, surrounded by men of his crew] Look, these are all signs that were
nearing land. Thats a land bird; this one here is even a nightingale; and this
one, this one which is flying low, coming right towards me... [Suddenly he
wipes his eye with his hand] ...is a dirty bird, a classic land resident.
So you can be sure that tomorrrow, or the day after at most, we shall see the
coast of the Indies. [One of the SAILORS rings the bell.
Absentmindedly, COLUMBUS addresses the SAILOR nearest him].
Someones at the door. Would you mind opening...?
FIRST SAILOR: That was the the
fourth watch.
COLUMBUS: [To the SAILOR
who has climbed up into the crows nest] Can you see anything?
FIRST SAILOR: What do you think?
Not an effing thing!
COLUMBUS: Not an effing
thing?! Thats no way to speak to your Captain!
FIRST SAILOR: Listen, you great
Genovese bullshitter, I speak how I want to speak. I was in prison, a
specialist in catching fleas. I had the life of Reilly, and there he comes with
his promises Ill make you a free man, Ill make you rich... Youre
just taking us for a bloody ride, though...
SECOND SAILOR: Youre right. Hes
diddled us. Weve been at sea for more than a month now, and all week hes been
claiming to see bamboo canes, birds, freshwater fish, all that kind of thing.
Anyone listening to you would think were barely a day away from dry land...
And then the next day comes, and then the day after... and we still dont see
an effing thing.
COLUMBUS: Another effing
thing! Listen, first of all, you can moderate your language, and your manners,
and then lets sit down and talk about it like reasonable people. Now, if
youll just be patient...
FIRST SAILOR: No, you great
Genovese gobshite weve had enough of patience.
SECOND SAILOR: No, let him speak!
Look, well have to wait till tomorrow anyway...
COLUMBUS: [Accommodating]
That is precisely what I wanted to suggest.
SECOND SAILOR: There, you see. Now
this is what I call a real captain. [Mocking] I like him.
FIRST SAILOR: I dont.
SECOND SAILOR: I like him because
all you have to do is say BOO and he gives in.
COLUMBUS: Well, Im an
easy-going elastic sort of person. [The gong strikes. He turns to the JUDGES]
No. Liars, damn you. Its not true. It wasnt like that at all. Now Ill
explain to you how things really went.
PROSECUTOR: Calm down, Columbus. Lets hear what
Captain Pinzon has to say.
COLUMBUS: Pinzon, that damned
liar...
PINZON: My brother and I
I in my role as captain of the Pinta having heard of the attempted mutiny,
arrived at the flagship by night...
PINZON and his BROTHER come alongside
the ship. They mime the action, using two poles, as if they are poling a punt.
COLUMBUS: I summoned them, in
secret.
The gong strikes. PINZON and his BROTHER
freeze for a moment. Then, having laid their two poles up against the side of
the ship, they use them as a means to get up on deck.
PINZON: [He turns
cautiously to COLUMBUS. In a conspiratorial tone] Are you crazy,
Christopher? What ever possessed you to come to terms with those scoundrels?
COLUMBUS: I had to! I had to
play for time. They wanted to throw me in the sea. At the deep end!
PINZON: Oh yes? Well, you
know what we should do? Tomorrow morning, first thing, well hang a couple of
them. Youll see thatll slow them down.
COLUMBUS: Hey, gently now!
For a start, they might be right. Im worried that we might be off-course.
According to my calculations, we should already have arrived at least four days
ago. Unless the islands have got smaller all of a sudden.
PINZON: [Amused] Are
you saying the Indies have shrunk?
COLUMBUS: [Playing him
along] Well, it has rained a lot recently. But joking apart, do you know
what I say? If we dont sight land by tomorrow morning, well do an about turn.
PINZON: If you say that one
more time, first thing tomorrow morning well be hanging you! No way do
we about-turn from here.
PINZON AND HIS BROTHER: [In chorus] For
Castille and for Leon! Either we return victorious, or we dont return at all!
In their excitement, they bang
their big poles on the ground.
COLUMBUS: [Shouting]
Oh, for heavens sake, no need to get all worked up about it! [He removes
his boot, which is completely pierced through at the ankle] Cant a man
even make jokes any more? As far as Im concerned, you can hang whom you like.
You cant beat a good hanging. [The gong sounds. The action freezes for a
moment. COLUMBUS is beside himself, as he turns to face the JUDGES]
No, its not true. Now youre trying to pass me off as a coward, and a sadist
into the bargain. While youre at it, why dont you put it around that Ive
been living in sin with my bosun!
FERDINAND: Carry on!
The gong sounds. PINZON, aided by
two other MEN, brings the two MUTINEERS before COLUMBUS.
They are bound hand and foot.
PINZON: Are these the ones?
COLUMBUS: Yes, thats them.
And there were four others, too, who wanted to give me a kicking...
FIRST SAILOR: Tell-tale tit,
mummys going to split...
COLUMBUS: There, hes the
one, he organised the mutiny.
FIRST SAILOR: What mutiny? We
were just chatting... About how much we miss home...
SECOND SAILOR: And the women...
FIRST SAILOR: Exactly. We were
talking about women.
PINZON: Silence, and
prepare to die! [To his BROTHER] You bring up the other four, and well
hang them too.
FIRST SAILOR: You cant do that!
You cant hang us without a priest!
SECOND SAILOR: Weve got lots of
sins to confess...
FIRST SAILOR: I havent even done
my first communion yet!
COLUMBUS: Im sorry, but we
couldnt find a priest willing to come with us. They all felt unworthy to be
going to meet their maker so soon. So gather your thoughts, and pray after me:
Oh Lord, who through your great mercy have pardoned even him who betrayed you
for thirty pieces of silver, do not pardon these two stinkers that we are
sending you. Do not let yourself be swayed by your usual sentimentalism. They
are two villains, and deserve everything theyre going to get. Amen. Haul
away...
The two MEN have nooses
around their necks, and disguised harnesses, which enable them to be hanged
with a degree of verisimilitude.
SAILORS: [Shouting, fearfully] Ooooh!
Aaaah!
COLUMBUS: Silence, silence!
Shame on you. We are on a ship of the Catholic Queen of Catholic Spain, and you
start baying and howling like dogs: Oooh! Aaaah! [He imitates them,
exaggeratedly] No. First of all, you should get in tune, eh? Ill give you
the note... La... [The HANGMEN, in the manner of bellringers, pull
the two ropes of the gallows with alternating heaves. The two HANGED MEN
emits shouts, in tune, sounding like a bellringing festival. COLUMBUS
conducts them, like the conductor of an orchestra] On the count of three.
Haul away! [With much shouting, the two MEN are hoisted up, in a
grand finale. The gong sounds. The action is interrupted. COLUMBUS is
furious] Thats a dirty lie! [He turns to the JUDGE] Its not true,
I never said a prayer like that, and nobodys ever been hanged on a ship of
mine. Ive always treated my sailors extremely humanely: they adored me we
were one big family...
SECOND PROSECUTOR: [Sniggering,
sarcastic] In fact, they used to call him Mummy.
COLUMBUS: [Imitating him]
Wrong they called me Daddy, because they used to call the Bosun Mummy,
because he was such a lovely man.
The gong sounds. The action
resumes on board ship. The CREW has gathered on the bridge, armed with bowls
and spoons.
FIRST SAILOR: Daddy.
COLUMBUS: Im coming, Im
coming. Now tell me, what would you like to eat.
FIRST SAILOR: Well, it depends
what there is.
COLUMBUS: [In the stance
of a waiter] Well, lets see. Now... Weve got some nice fried seafood...
CHORUS: [In disgust]
Yuk!
FOURTH SAILOR: What else is there?
COLUMBUS: Weve got fried
shark... cod cutlets... fricasee of flatfish...
PINZON: Thats enough!
Cant you understand... Fish, bloody fish...! We want meat!
FOURTH SAILOR: Meat!
COLUMBUS: Im sorry, but
weve run out of rats. We ate the last one stuffed last Thursday.
PINZON: Liar! Its a lie!
Theres still rats left, but hes keeping them for himself!
COLUMBUS: What do you mean?
PINZON: If theres no rats
left, then who was it nibbled a lump out of my shoe last night? Look at it.
He removes one of his shoes.
FIRST SAILOR: A bloody great
hole!
SECOND SAILOR: You can see the
teethmarks!
THIRD SAILOR: [Aggressive,
turning to COLUMBUS] Right-ho,
Captain. What do you say to that?
COLUMBUS: Alright, Ill own
up. It was me.
CHORUS: You?!
COLUMBUS: [Crying]
Yes, it was me that ate your boot. The teethmarks are mine. I couldnt stand
it: I havent eaten a thing for five whole days. I saw your shoe and...
PINZON: But why... what
about your rations?
COLUMBUS: My rations? Oh, you
were not supposed to know... You never noticed, but every night I shared out my
rations among you... my crew... in secret... a little bit for each of you...
CHORUS: Ooooh!
PINZON: He took the food
out of his own mouth, for us...
CHORUS: For us!
COLUMBUS: Yes, thats right.
CHORUS: What a man!
FIRST SAILOR: Hes not a man,
hes a saint!
CHORUS: Forgive us.
FIRST SAILOR: Your hand, let me
kiss your hand, Captain.
COLUMBUS: Oh, really, I dont
deserve it!
CHORUS: Oh yes you do.
COLUMBUS: [Bursting into
tears again] Youre making me cry...
CHORUS: The hand!
THIRD SAILOR: Me too, I want to
kiss his hand too.
He dives into the group which
is trying to kiss COLUMBUSs hand.
COLUMBUS: Alright, you can
kiss it! But dont overdo it. NYAAH!
He lets out a yell and
hurriedly retrieves his hand.
THIRD SAILOR: Im sorry...Hunger
got the better of me.
PINZON: What I dont
understand... why didnt you eat the leather uppers, instead of the wooden
sole?
COLUMBUS: Ah, well...
leathers meat, and yesterday was Friday.
CHORUS: And a good Catholic
doesnt eat meat on a Friday!
FIRST SAILOR: Your hand,
Captain... I fain would kiss your hand.
COLUMBUS: No!
The SAILORS grab his
arm. When we next see it, in place of the hand there is the classic pirates
hook.
CHORUS: Oh! What a Good Man
our Columbus is!
A gong sounds.
SECOND PROSECUTOR: Very impressive.
But to return to the hanged men, can you explain why none of those six men ever
returned?
COLUMBUS: I left them down
there to guard the island: its just that they got a bit too cocky, and ended
up getting in with the natives of the garrison.
FONSECA: In what sense, in
with?
COLUMBUS: In the sense that,
by the end, the natives ate them.
THIRD SAILOR: Wont you stop
talking rubbish? You are nothing but a liar and a crook.
FONSECA: Hey, I say: why do
you call him a crook...?
THIRD SAILOR: I say it because
its true. Hes a crook. He swindled me out of sixty thousand ducats due to me
as a sighting bonus.
SECOND PROSECUTOR: Sighting bonus?
THIRD SAILOR: Thats right. Its
the reward that the Queen promised to whoever first saw land... and by rights
its mine, because I was on watch in the crows nest that morning of the
fourteenth... [The gong sounds. The ladder leading to the crows nest rises
rapidly] Land ahoy! Land ahoy!
COLUMBUS: Well done! Its
about time somebody noticed! I sighted land yesterday evening, and I was
beginning to think youd all gone blind, I mean, it was so obvious... Of course,
I do have better than average eyesight.
THIRD SAILOR: In that case, why
didnt you give the signal?
COLUMBUS: Well, I didnt want
to humiliate you. I wanted to leave you with some satisfaction too.
THIRD SAILOR: Thank you, so that
means that the reward is mine, eh?
COLUMBUS: The reward too? Do
you hear that? What do you mean, Ive already given you the satisfaction of
being the first to shout Land ahoy! all by yourself, out loud, and now you
also want reward in money, do you? God, the greed, the insatiability of man!
The gong sounds.
THIRD SAILOR: And that was how he
copped the reward.
SECOND PROSECUTOR: Columbus, arent
you ashamed?! For those few shillings, stooping so low!
COLUMBUS: [He begins a
long, rambling speech in grammelot, which ends with:] You see...?
He resumes speaking in his
mysterious language, with gestures which indicate desperation, anger, emotion,
etc, until one of the PROSECUTORS becomes exasperated and shouts at him.
FIRST PROSECUTOR: What on earth are
you talking about?!
COLUMBUS: [Halting his
flow] None of your business!
FIRST PROSECUTOR: [Stuck for words]
Oh...
COLUMBUS: Anyway, the whole
crew, yes, the whole crew can bear witness how I, the evening before, had
sighted lights on he horizon.
SECOND PROSECUTOR: But whats the
point in calling as witnesses a crew whom you have forced to swear and perjure
themselves as and when you wished?
COLUMBUS: Its not true!
THIRD SAILOR: Yes it is true! And
I can also remind you when and where, my dear Admiral, if you really have
forgotten...
COLUMBUS: When?
THIRD SAILOR: Precisely on the
return route.
COLUMBUS: You guessed right!
THIRD SAILOR: We had just left
the Canaries. We heard the bell sound. [The bell sounds] Just like that:
it was the signal for calling us to muster. He was up there, on the poop deck,
and gave us a charming little speech.
The gong sounds.
COLUMBUS: [Taking up the
stance of a soapbox orator] My dear stinkers! [All the SAILORS
laugh] Let us thank the Almighty that we can now really say that weve done
it. In a few days, we shall be home. I get goose pimples just thinking of it!
And I think the same goes for you: I have noticed that, just like me, you cant
get your eyes shut at night, partly for anxiety and partly for the scurvy,
which forces us to scratch as if we had mange. I can already see the great
feast that theyre going to make for us when we arrive.
But nothing can repay us all the curses, the
frights, sufficient to give you worms, and even the worms with jaundice, when
the seas were breaking and there we were, on our knees, begging God to forgive
us, and spewing up our souls. Nobody will ever be able to boast of having shit
themselves like we did, for the good of humanity! For this we deserve honours,
rewards, and above all, recognition. But the extent of the recognition which
the others are going to offer us, will depend in large part on us. When we get
there, there will be the usual sons of you-know-what, all lined up, paired off,
trying to minimise the value of our discovery.
I can almost hear them now. Yes, admittedly, it
is an important undertaking from a scientific point of view, but from the money
point of view... I mean, what has it brought? Four gold buttons, like first
communion medals; three parrots who admittedly do speak a couple of words, but
with such poor pronunciation! And then, I mean to say, those ten natives, so
uncouth and degenerate, that they brought back with them... What can I say?!
From a certain point of view, they are right:
have a look down in the hold, and tell me if what weve got there are not more
monkeys than natives. But no, we cant just present them like that. Were going
to have to transform them, dress them up, decorate them, trick them out, in
fact, were going to have to make them look just like our free-thinking
sponsors imagine that natives really should look. [Turning to a SAILOR]
You, you can be a model. Come here. [From a box which is brought to him he
takes some poster paints]
All the gold that we have found, well hang
round their necks, and well put feathers on their heads. And now swear that
every native that you ran into down there was dressed up just the same as this.
Swear!
CHORUS: [Subdued] We
swear!
COLUMBUS: If you swear like
that one more time, Ill hang the lot of you! Swear properly. Swearing is a
serious business. Swear!!
CHORUS OF SAILORS: We swear!
COLUMBUS: And now swear on
this map too.
He unfolds a map.
CHORUS OF SAILORS: Whats that?
COLUMBUS: Its the map
showing all the lands and islands that weve discovered.
PINZON: But that big one
there, that youve marked as a peninsula, whats that?
COLUMBUS: Its Juana.
PINZON: The place they call
Cuba. Why have you marked it as a peninsula, if weve only followed a quarter
of its coastline?
COLUMBUS: Thats my business.
It suits me for Cuba to be a peninsula, because if Cuba is a peninsula, that
means it must be attached to Cathay, the immense, fabulous Cathay, where, as
Marco Polo has related, there are cities with streets paved with gold, and
alleys of silver. And now, thats enough discussions: swear that everything
that is written here is true. Swear! Without looking!
CHORUS OF SAILORS: We swear!
COLUMBUS: What about you?
Arent you swearing?
FIRST SAILOR: No, Im sorry, but
I really dont think I could swear on a falsehood. Its a sin.
COLUMBUS: [Laughing]
Ha, ha, its a sin? Anyone would think we were still in the Middle Ages...
Well, listen to this, you great dummy: its only if we get them to swallow the
idea that there are enormous riches to be had, that or backers will send us
down there again, with new ships, to discover new lands, and to look for new
gold, and thereby give us the possibility of eating, albeit badly, almost every
day. And this seems of small importance to you, oh thrice imbecile? Has nobody
ever told you that the worst of sins is to be forced to pull in your belt?
Because those who are hungry... those who are hungry find it difficult to
concentrate their minds on praying: all they can do is swear, and obviously
they end up damned to eternity!
FIRST SAILOR: Yes, maybe youre
right... But all the same, I dont feel up to it.
COLUMBUS: What a stubborn
person! [He signals to one of the SAILORS to accompany him to the
focsle] I mean, when you were down there lying around all day in the arms
of those beautiful Indian women, who were always ready and willing, did you
think about sin then? Oh, look how his eyes glint, how he starts sighs! Oh,
dont worry, it happens to all of us, if we think about it, doesnt it?
He turns to the others.
CHORUS: [Sighing]
Ah, yes.
COLUMBUS: [He signals to
the LUTE PLAYER to play a more delicate background accompaniment]
Alright, if we are prepared to run the risk of dying in such sweet company,
with flowers behind our ears, our feet in cool water and the brief horizon of a
round breast before our eyes, then, lads, lets swear, lets swear on a
falsehood! We may go to hell, but well die in paradise!
Enter GIOVANNA and the KING.
CHORUS: We swear! We swear!
They sing:
We swear that we have seen plants
Of sesame which grow diamonds,
And islands with gigantic women
Who grab young men in order to make love.
We swear we have seen everything you can
imagine:
Ask us, and well tell you,
But no matter how much you threaten us,
There is one story that we shall not tell:
Of a place with women so little serious
That they make love without first making you
promise
That after the rituals you will pay them;
Who laugh, naked, before your eyes,
And tell you: Thank you, see you later,
And laugh, and laugh.
No, this treasure that we have found,
We shall keep it for ourselves,
It is not to be told.
The so little serious women are beautiful,
And they do not blanch except for love,
And they do not have a curate to say:
Its a sin, its a sin!
And they laugh, they laugh.
The gong sounds. Enter, carried
by the usual two STANDARD-
BEARERS, the arras which acts as a traverse
curtain. It is placed in front of the scaffold, which is presently configured
as a ship. Behind the curtain, the SAILORS take the ship apart.
GIOVANNA: What a lovely song.
You should teach it to my brother, sos he can sing it to his little wifey.
Because shes a bit on the fruity side too...
[The JUDGES cough in embarrassment]
FERDINANDO: I hope I misheard
you there, Giovanna.
GIOVANNA: No, I only meant
that she she enjoys laughing, singing, and leaping around bollock-naked. Thats
right, theres no point looking shocked: youre not going to tell me that they
pray a lot?! Theyve been married for a fortnight: and, good God, they dont
even come out of their rooms to go to mass.
FERDINANDO: Giovanna, do me the
honour of withdrawing. This is neither the time nor the place...
GIOVANNA: No sir: here I
represent my mother. Poor woman. At this very moment, shes discussing with the
boys tutor whether it might be appropriate to prise him apart from his wife
for a while. Shes sucking him dry, like a prune, my poor brother.
FERDINANDO: [Exasperated]
Giovanna!
GIOVANNA: Isnt one allowed
to speak of prunes? Is there some double meaning?
FERDINANDO: No, of course
not...!
GIOVANNA: No? What a shame!
Anyway, prepare yourself for the worst. The theologians have decided that it
would be a grave sin to refuse to honour your wifes marital desires; and since
our beloved Maria of Austria is far from inclined to grant us a truce... [In
declamatory tone] The time will come when the bridal chamber of the tender
Hidalgo transforms into a tomb.
FERDINANDO: Now, thats enough!
GIOVANNA: Enough?! Would you
say Enough to my mother, whom I represent?
FERDINANDO: Dont be so silly.
Your mother has no need to be represented by a daughter...
GIOVANNA: ...as crazy as me.
Go on, say it! But yes, she does need me, seeing that shes lost her nerve to
the extent that she wont even come and watch the slaughter that this bunch of
liverish bigots is carrying out...
The arras is carried offstage,
and once again we see the gallows on the platform.
FERDINANDO: Giovanna, dont
exaggerate! Show some respect for your father. And theres also a priest...
GIOVANNA: Its not my fault
if your p-riests got a liver complaint. Anyway, what are you so worried about?
Im crazy! [Bursting ino tears] Everybody knows that Im crazy... I can
say what I want. Just because, Im crazy...
FERDINANDO: [Moved] Yes,
you can say what you like.
GIOVANNA:
May I?
FERDINANDO:
Yes.
GIOVANNA: Down with the King!
FERDINANDO: Oh!
SECOND PROSECUTOR: May we continue?
FERDINANDO: Please, go ahead.
FONSECA: [With a forced
smile] Thank you. Let us return to our discussion of the first voyage: what
else does Captain Pinzon have to tell us?
PINZON: I personally
discovered that the Admiral kept a secret ships diary, in which he wrote down
the direction of the winds, their force and intensity, latitudes, the tides and
their strengths, all precise to the last centimetre, while the figures that he
actually entered in the ships log were curiously incorrect.
COLUMBUS: A slip of the
pen... Happens very easily...
PINZON: All the errors and
miscalculations were deliberately disguised and calculated.
COLUMBUS: Calculated?
FONSECA: And in your
opinion, what was the aim of these curious concealments?
PINZON: Obviously, Columbus
wanted that nobody, not even the King and Queen, should ever find out the
correct route for reaching the Indies.
FONSECA: In other words, if
they wanted to get there, theyd have to employ his services: otherwise, thanks
to Columbuss slips of the pen the ships would have become helplessly lost,
and would have ended up goodness knows where.
COLUMBUS: No, not goodness
knows where! All they needed was a halfway decent captain... and anyway, its a
known fact: sailing ships is always a bit dangerous. It would be a fine thing
if a fellow could just say I am a navigator and...
He is interrupted by the KING.
FERDINANDO: To cut a long story
short, what would have happened to them?
PINZON: Well, according to
my calculations, the sailors on those ships might, with a bit of luck, have
sighted land after something like four years of sailing.
COLUMBUS: After four years of
sailing? [Raising his hands to the skies] Lord, I thank you for having
created me in your likeness, and not in the likeness of this son of a bitch.
He points to PINZON.
CHORUS OF JUDGES AND SAILORS: Silence, murderer!
Traitor! Youre just a falsifier of charts, thats all you are!
PROSECUTOR: You betrayed those who trusted you
and gave you the means to achieve these undertakings.
GIOVANNA: Oh, stop talking
rubbish! Fine means indeed! A bunch of jailbirds for his crew, and three lousy
tubs tricked up like ships, starting with the Maria, an old wreck which
came apart on the coast of Hispaniola, at the first, excuse the technical term,
fart of a bit of sustained wind!
Everybody laughs.
PINZON: No, madam! If you
will permit me, Majesty, the Maria was a serious ship.
GIOVANNA: Serious?! Dyou
know what her sailors called her? La Galante which, as you well know, means
whore. Pardon the technical term. [The NOBLES are startled. The SAILORS
laugh] A bit heavy, eh? Well, why should I care? Anyway, Im crazy. Ha,
ha, crazy. Ha, ha! But whos crazier than me is my friend Christopher. Oh look
his prides hurt.
COLUMBUS: No, madam, its not
my pride. Its because I no longer care about anything. Humanity disgusts me.
The only people that dont disgust me are women! But thats only a matter of
time.
GIOVANNA: Well done, silly,
thats exactly what they want.
COLUMBUS: They want women to
disgust me too?
GIOVANNA: No, they want to
see you reduced like curdled milk sos then they can bang you on the cheese
block.
The SAILORS laugh.
FONSECA: My Lady, what
language! Who is your confessor?
GIOVANNA: The same father who
confesses you. And I can tell you, hes told me a few things about you too...
FONSECA: What do you mean? I
mean...
GIOVANNA:
Ha, ha, hes blushing! Im crazy!
LADY IN WAITING: [She enters screaming,
followed by two other LADIES IN WAITING] Hes dead! Prince Giovanni has
ded. In the arms of Maria his wife! Queen Isabella is out of her mind with
grief.
A general hubbub follows, and a
muttering of prayers. The ACTORS on-stage form up in a procession, while the LADIES
IN WAITING sing:
LADIES IN WAITING:
The earth, while virgin, drinks the torrents,
The Infante, who was already pale,
Is now of silver,
Come in order to live, he remained for a moment,
Stretched out in a languid sheet of wind.
Crazy Giovanna had foreseen it,
That as a magnolia greedy for water,
Thus, with great groans,
She would have drunk him:
Struck in the groin, he will be consumed.
Now the LADIES IN WAITING
withdraw to the rear of the stage, and come forward with the other actors.
Everybody carries a large candle. They mark time for a while, and then one
after another they pass in front of the BISHOP, who drops a pinch of ash
onto each of their heads.
FONSECA: When the trial
starts again, well have to go into that whole business of the slaves.
SECOND PROSECUTOR: What slaves?
FONSECA: The slaves that
Columbus brought back on his ships. For us to sell. The Queen, of course, has
always deprecated this vile trade.
SECOND PROSECUTOR: We still sold them,
though... And got good prices.
FONSECA: Yes indeed, but
against our will, despite ourselves. Just out of a sense of humanity. In fact,
what would have been better: to send them home, stuffing them back into those
stinking holds, with the risk of letting them die, or pull them out, feed them
up, baptise them, and allow them to be part of our holy civilisation?
SECOND PROSECUTOR: As slaves!
FONSECA: What fault is it of
ours if man is born with original sin, to pay off? You will have to work,
sweat and suffer... And here we are, humble adjutants, in order to ensure that
that punishment is carried out in the best of manners.
SECOND PROSECUTOR: Adjutants, but not
slavemasters. In fact, we have always been ready to castigate those who went
ferreting out these poor brothers of ours, to sell.
FONSECA: Indeed, we hate the
slave traders. And Columbus is one of these. The worst! Up until now he has
captured and transported to us the fine sum of three thousand poor savages,
chosen from among the best looking and the youngest...
SECOND PROSECUTOR: ...of both sexes.
FONSECA: The Queen felt this
very deeply. She only became slightly resigned to it when she heard that the
money from the sales came to more than twelve million maravedi. Then she came
to confession.
SECOND PROSECUTOR: When alls said and
done, those poor wretches have everything to gain. They lose their liberty, it
is true, but in exchange they find the comfort of our religion; they become our
slaves, but also our brothers. They pick up a whole lot of diseases which
previously they never knew, but one day they will know the salvation of the
soul, and they will die happy.
BOTH: [In chorus] As happy as our pale
Infante, who has just left us.
FONSECA: But Columbus must
be punished! For a start, I have arranged for the freezing of the percentage
which he was due on the outcome of the sales.
ALL THE MALE ACTORS: [In chorus] Divinam
voluntatem vocamus justitiam, qua videlicet cuique persone tribuiturius summus.
THE LADIES IN WAITING: [In chorus]
Pietatem tuam, precor, arrogantiam iudices divinae rationis officium.
The dialogue between the two
men is continually counterpointed by this last phrase, spoken as a rosary.
Suddenly, abruptly, the trial begins again.
SECOND PROSECUTOR: Speaking of
funerals, Admiral, would you mind telling us the story of how you murdered
Captain Adriano de Muxica.
COLUMBUS: No, not murdered...
[The confessional in which BISHOP FONSECA is sitting is pushed from
the centre to stage right. COLUMBUS climbs up on it while it is still
moving] Mind if I thumb a ride? [He continues his speech without
interruption] ...but executed after a proper trial. De Muxica was treating
the natives badly, and was raping the girls. One day, in order to steal a gold
ring from the nose of a native, he pulled with such violence that part of his
nose remained stuck to the ring; but he wasnt put out: handkerchief, a little
blow, and away...! [He makes a gesture as if putting the whole thing in his
pocket] Dulcis in fundo, among other things, he tried to organise a mutiny
in order to get rid of me.
SECOND PROSECTOR: And, naturally, he did not
succeed.
COLUMBUS: No, naturally.
FONSECA: Charming!
COLUMBUS: What?
FONSECA: No, I mean: how did
he die?
COLUMBUS: Killed.
They laugh.
FONSECA: What I mean is, was
he given the opportunity to prepare himself for a decent death.
COLUMBUS: Yes, but he didnt
want confession. He claimed that none of the confessors that we produced for
him was adequate to the depth of his sins; and since he didnt even want to
come down from the tower, which was indeed very high, in which he had been
imprisoned, in order that he could be hanged on the ground floor, as is
customary, we pushed him from the top. A drop of about thirty feet. In order to
bury him, we just needed a casket of the kind they use for babies, given that
he had ended up so concertinaed. Our orders from the quartermaster were to save
on everything.
THIRD JUDGE: Well said.
SECOND PROSECUTOR: Well, lets leave
aside the question of, shall we say, emotional exchanges, and let us speak of
those which are real and commercial, in other words the barters. Do you
consider that you acted honestly with those savages? You gave those poor
devils: mirrors, bits of glass, little bells, red hats, and in exchange you
took large numbers of gold piastres. That is known as swindling, and in Spain
the penalty for swindling is imprisonment. You knew that, I presume?
COLUMBUS: Of course I knew
it, and I also know that theres prison for those who incite, and who enjoy the
fruits of that swindle, given that they know the dishonest provenance.
FONSECA: What do you mean by
that?
COLUMBUS: I mean that since
all that gold, or almost all, is in the hands of Your Honour the Judge, then
were going to have to put you in prison together with me.
FONSECA: Hey, now gently, I
administer the goods of the King.
COLUMBUS: So lets put the
King in prison too...
FERDINANDO: Couldnt we change
the subject?
Enter GIOVANNA.
Everybody rises.
CHORUS: Your Highness!
FERDINANDO: Columbus, I have
the impression that you dont realise the seriousness of the charges against
you.
GIOVANNA: [To COLUMBUS,
winking] Dont pay any attention. Pretend you dont know him.
FERDINANDO: First accusation:
cowardice.
SECOND PROSECUTOR: You wanted to
abandon the whole voyage. Thats a sentence of...
COLUMBUS: What?
JAILER: [After
consulting a register, an enormous book held by another JAILER, he
writes on a blackboard] Twelve years...
FONSECA: You did in fact
abandon the voyage after only twenty days sailing...
JAILER: Ah! Well thats 14
years.
GIOVANNA: Im going to chew
his ear off, that one...
FERDINANDO: Second charge:
reprehensible brutality.
SECOND PROSECUTOR: You hanged six of
your sailors.
COLUMBUS: Thats not true!
SECOND PROSECUTOR: Six sailors... six
fours is...
JAILER: Six fours is...?
He turns to the second JAILER.
SECOND JAILER: Twenty-four!
JAILER: Less two?
SECOND JAILER: No, no!
JAILER: As you like!
Twenty-four years, your Honour.
COLUMBUS: Twenty-four
years...! For six sailors?! And one of them was only a tiny fellow...
JAILER: What do you mean,
tiny?
COLUMBUS: Tiny. Like this...
He slept in a bucket!
GIOVANNA: I say take off four
years at once.
COLUMBUS: Thank you.
JAILER: Oh all right then.
Twenty.
FERDINANDO: Another example of
brutality: when the ambassador Caonabo came to negotiate a truce, you lopped
off his nose and ears.
COLUMBUS: Thats a lie! I
ordered that the ambassador was to be split in two, lengthways, but the
executioner was an old fellow with a twitch, and he missed his aim. As a
result, zac! He clipped off his left ear. Because I didnt want people thinking
I was a disordered sort of chap, with a taste for asymmetry, I had him crop off
the other ear too. Looked not too bad, really... a bit off centre, but...
FERDINANDO: And the nose?
COLUMBUS: The nose... Well,
that was the ambassadors fault. Just as the axe was coming down, he turned
round, profile, to see what was going on, and, zac!
JAILER: Lets get on with
it!
Enter two GIRLS with sheets
of paper and goose quill pens, which they hand to the BYSTANDERS so that
they can take notes.
FERDINANDO: Abuse of authority:
you forced your sailors to perjure themselves.
JAILER: Six years.
FERDINANDO: Fraud!
FONSECA: I think the
business of swindling the sailor out of his reward will do.
JAILER: [Consulting his
law book] Theft from a gentleman... Theft from a knight... from a barber...
from a farmer... from a sailor! Here we are! Two years.
COLUMBUS: What?! Two years?
For a sailor? He was a Muslim! Is nothing sacred?
GIOVANNA: Thats right. A bad
Muslim. The kind who eat Catholics.
JAILER: Oh alright then.
Knock off the two years!
FERDINANDO: Murder!
JAILER: Eleven years.
SECOND PROSECUTOR: Eleven!
FERDINANDO: Prevarication.
JAILER: Nine.
SECOND PROSECUTOR: Nine!
FERDINANDO: Fraudulent
bankruptcy.
JAILER: Three.
COLUMBUS: Five-ish!
He waves a sheet of paper under
the KINGs
nose.
FONSECA: Columbus, you are
playing with fire!
FERDINANDO: Ah yes... speaking
of fire... Arson!
SECOND PROSECUTOR: Four.
FERDINAND: Slander, libel, and
nocturnal hanky-panky... What shall we say for that?
COLUMBUS: I surrender!
FERDINANDO: Still trying to be
funny, eh? Be warned, Columbus if you cant establish your innocence, youre
facing a total of... [Turning to the JAILER] How much does that make?
JAILER: [He works out
some sums on the blackboard] It wont go.
FERDINANDO: What?
JAILER: Eleven into seven
wont go.
FERDINANDO: Well, turn it over.
Multiply the seven by three...
JAILER: Ah, yes... That
makes 97 years, 3 months and 1 day.
COLUMBUS: Ninety-seven
years!! Thats a bit blooming steep!
GIOVANNA: Dont worry,
Columbus, dont worry! They havent passed sentence yet. Youll see,
theres going to be an amnesty.
TWO HERALDS: [To the accompaniment of
a drumroll] Evviva, evviva! The Princess Alfonsa, wife of Henry, King of
Portugal, has given birth to a baby girl!
CHORUS: Long live the
Infanta!
GIOVANNA: There, what did I
tell you Columbus? Youll see, theyll kock off at least two years for that. [To
the JAILER] What does the book say?
JAILER: Amnesty for the
birth of a female Infanta: three years.
HERALDS: [To whom a JUDGE
has whispered something] Correction: the above-mentioned female was a male!
GIOVANNA: Excellent! [To
the JAILER] Whats that worth?
JAILER: Eight!
PINZON: And he looks
just like his father!
JAILER: Ten!
GIOVANNA: Ten years off your
sentence.
FERDINANDO: I lay four ducats
it goes up to fifteen!
TWO MEMBERS OF THE CHORUS: [Accepting
the bet] Youre on! Youre on!
FIRST LADY IN WAITING: [Entering] ...And
hes got a smile just like his grandfathers! Our beloved King Ferdinando.
CHORUS: Hooray!
JAILER: Thirteen!
SECOND PROSECUTOR: Thirteen!
COLUMBUS: Look at that
thirteen!
FERDINANDO: Four ducats, four
ducats... Ill make that six!
SECOND PROSECUTOR: [Accepting]
Six, youre on!
FERDINANDO: Okey-dokey!
HERALDS: [Coming onstage]
Evviva, evviva! Our Princess Eleonora has just become engaged to Philip of
Flanders!
CHORUS: Hooray!
COLUMBUS: [To GIOVANNA]
Whats Flanders worth?
JAILER: Fifteen.
FERDINANDO: I win!
COLUMBUS: Fifteen years
amnesty. Well, cant say fairer than that!
JUDGE: Eleonora is already
expecting a baby.
SECOND PROSECUTOR: But theyre not
even married yet!
GIOVANNA: So?
COLUMBUS: Good, good... [To
the JAILER] How are we doing?
JUDGE: [Consulting the
manual which KING FERDINAND has in his hand] Well, even if you are
found guilty, the most youll get... taking away the years of amnesty... [To
the JAILER] What does it come to?
JAILER: Twenty-seven!
JUDGE: Twenty-seven years!
COLUMBUS: Ha, ha! only
twenty-seven years! Its a doddle!
FERDINANDO: [Getting up]
Well, youll have to excuse me, its been such fun, but duty calls!
HERALDS: Evviva, evviva!
Spain has declared war on France!
CHORUS: Death, death to the
Frankish infidel!
HERALDS: [They reach the
ede of the stage, and then double back] Victory, victory! The Frank has
fallen, and fled...
They exit with FERDINAND.
GIOVANNA: So, Columbus, you
started out with ninety-seven years in jail, and instead youve run up an
amnesty total of a hundred and seven, which means that youre ten years in
credit!
COLUMBUS: In other words,
even if you found me guilty...
FONSECA: You mean that weve
been here shouting ourselves hoarse for nothing!?
COLUMBUS: Not at all! Cheer
up! Weve got the book of words here lets have a look... [He takes the
manual from the hands of the second JAILER, and reads incomprehensible
words] Here, look: ten [Reading aloud] In the event that I find
myself ten years in credit... [He continues reading unintelligible words,
and when he finishes he hits FONSECA] That makes us evens. And now do you
know what I say to you? You can keep your vice-regencies and your prebendaries
and your percentages. Give me an old hulk of a ship, and Ill return to the
Indies, and thatll be the last you ever see of me!
HERALDS: [Re-entering,
still with their drums] Columbus went off. Everyone forgot about him. One
year... Two years... Three years... Four years went by. He sailed the ocean
blue. And then he returned but he was a name forgotten.
During the HERALDs speech,
a big banner is brought on stage by two SERVANTS, in order that the
gallows scaffold can be transformed into a ship behind it. On the forestage we
have FONSECA and the SECOND PROSECUTOR.
FONSECA: Columbus? I knew a
certain Columbus back in 1611. He lisped.
SECOND PROSECUTOR: Lisped?
FONSECA: Yes. Thpoke like
thith, with hith ethes.
SECOND PROSECUTOR: No, thats not the
one.
FONSECA: Youre right. It
was his thithter who lithped.
SECOND PROSECUTOR: No, he didnt have
a sister!
FONSECA: Well who was it had
the lisp, then?
SECOND PROSECUTOR: [Irritated]
I dont know!! The one Im talking about is the admiral, the ex vice-regent.
You remember...
FONSECA: An admiral with a
lisp? Ah, I remember. That blighter we never managed to stick the charges on,
in that trial.
SECOND PROSECUTOR: Yes, thats the
one.
FONSECA: But he didnt lisp,
did he?
SECOND PROSECUTOR: Who cares? Anyway,
he wont get off so easily this time; therell be no amnesties or
jiggery-pokery to save him this time.
FONSECA: I see: politics.
SECOND PROSECUTOR: No, witchcraft.
FONSECA: Dont say things
when you dont mean them! I wont permit gratuitous slanders here. Do you have
the proof, the witnesses?
SECOND PROSECUTOR: Proof, you want?
Witnesses? [He points to the wings, where the two HERALDS are
entering] Here they are!
FONSECA: With a lithp?
HERALDS: On the ninth of May
1502, following on the intercession of Queen Isabella and a pardon by the King,
albeit stripped of all rights in the lands that he had discovered, Columbus
sets off on his fourth and final voyage.
SECOND PROSECUTOR: He was expressly
forbidden to enter any of the ports in the colonies.
ANOTHER CHARCTER: If he wants to anchor, hes
going to have to find new lands and new ports.
HERALDS: But when he reached
the Indies...
SECOND PROSECUTOR: ...ignoring the
Kings orders...
HERALDS: ...he asked permission
to enter the port of Hispaniola...
SECOND PROSECUTOR: ...on the pretext
that a storm was about to blow up, and he was seeking shelter.
HERALDS: The deputy governor
went on board to meet him.
The stage has once again been
transformed into a ship. COLUMBUS and a number of SAILORS are busy on
deck, and the DEPUTY GOVERNOR is with them. A gong sounds.
DEPUTY GOVERNOR: Come off it,
Columbus... I see no storm. Im not stupid, you know. Theres not a cloud in
the sky, and the seas as smooth as glass...
COLUMBUS: Precisely. Thats
what I mean. Smooth as glass... Look at the bottom.
DEPUTY GOVERNOR: Well? Its clear.
So what?
[SMALL SECTION MISSING]
All of a sudden he starts
shouting] All hands on deck to lower the mainsail!
DEPUTY GOVERNOR: What on earth are
you doing?
COLUMBUS: Out with the
half-sail! Hoist the flyer!
DEPUTY GOVERNOR: My boat!
COLUMBUS: Haul away, all
together... Heave! Get ready to take the wind from the lee side! Up with the
anchor! Hurry, hurry... Here it comes!
People run around, some of them
going up ladders, some of them pulling ropes. One, with an axe, cuts the
mooring rope.
DEPUTY GOVERNOR: Hey, what about me?
Go back! Wait, let me go down first!
COLUMBUS: Theres no time.
Its too late now.
DEPUTY GOVERNOR: What do you mean,
too late?!
COLUMBUS: What do you order
me? Look over to the West a bit, and start praying.
DEPUTY GOVERNOR: Oh, God! Whats
that big strip coming towards us?
COLUMBUS: Waves, my friend,
waves as high as three ships, one on top of the other.
DEPUTY GOVERNOR: And the hurricane?!
VOICES: Here comes the
wind.
COLUMBUS: Drop the
mainsail... Steady as she goes, steady as she goes...
All the ACTORS on stage
mime a slow see-saw movement. We have a sense of great tension, as if the wind
is about to sweep everything off the ship.
DEPUTY GOVERNOR: Good God, it feels
like were flying!
A crash of waves, surf and the
howling of wind.
COLUMBUS: Hold on... Get hold
of the masts.
A strip of blue silk, about two
metres broad and long enough to cover the entire front of the stage, is run
across the stage. The strip is waved from the wings, in such a way as to create
the image of waves following after one another.
DEPUTY GOVERNOR: But where are we
going?! Columbus!
COLUMBUS: Dont you see?
Were trying to get away from that cataclysm. But those other poor wretches,
look, theyre going right into the middle.
DEPUTY GOVERNOR: Poor devils: not
one of them will be saved!
COLUMBUS: But who is the
miserable wretch who commands that fleet? Theyre dropping their sails! Well
done! That means that the wind, instead of driving them on, will smash them.
DEPUTY GOVERNOR: What a slaughter!
Look, thats the flagship... turned bottom-up!
FIRST SAILOR: What a crash! Three
ships torn apart...
FOURTH SAILOR: And those two,
those two capsized...
FIRST SAILOR: What do you mean,
two, theres three...
FOURTH SAILOR: Theres one going
down!
FIRST SAILOR: That makes four!
COLUMBUS: Yes, what a
performancer eh?! But dont stand there gawping itll be our turn next. Bring
up all the reserve anchors. How many do we have?
FIRST SAILOR: Four!
COLUMBUS: Alright, drop all
four of them!
FIRST SAILOR: Without dropping
the sails? Well be torn apart!
COLUMBUS: Dont worry. Were
going to work it like a kite.
DEPUTY GOVERNOR: What do you mean,
like a kite?
COLUMBUS: Like a childs
kite, up in the air, with a string holding it to the ground. The anchors will
hold us just like a kite... If the sails dont give at the first gust!
FIRST SAILOR: The anchors are
down! Shall we let the chains out?
COLUMBUS: All on deck, and
strapped down!
FIRST SAILOR: Everything shut
down. Wait for the crash! And God help us!
There is a mighty crash. People
are sent rolling in all directions. Then, as if by magic, the ship stops
rolling.
DEPUTY GOVERNOR: Whats happened?
How is it that we are so steady, not rolling any more?
COLUMBUS: You see: it held!
The anchor held! Look, look how the hulls riding it! You see? Its taken very
little water!
SECOND SAILOR: How strange! You
can move around too, now.
FOURTH SAILOR: It feels as if
were in suspension... as if were flying.
COLUMBUS: Exactly. Were
suspended, suspeded like a great big kite, and as long as it holds...
There is another crash.
THIRD SAILOR: Look out, here
comes the big one!
The blue silk strip is hurled
up so that it rises four or five yards off the floor.
COLUMBUS: Thats too much!
Help!
Everybody is hurled off the
ship, except for one sailor.
THIRD SAILOR: Is anyone there?
EVERYBODY: [Looking out from behind the ship]
Has it gone?
THIRD SAILOR: Yes.
EVERYBODY: [Getting back on the ship]
Thank goodness for that.
COLUMBUS: Take a look if the
hull is still riding it!
DEPUTY GOVERNOR: Yes, its riding.
The kite is still working.
The silk strip begins to be
shaken more gently.
SECOND SAILOR: Saved, were saved!
Look: the winds dropped, and the seas getting calmer.
THIRD SAILOR: Were saved!
Theres the horizon again.
DEPUTY GOVERNOR: None of those
twenty ships survived. All drowned!
COLUMBUS: What was I telling
you? It was you who didnt want to listen to me.
DEPUTY GOVERNOR: You know what I
say, Columbus? You frighten me! Youve saved my life, but it frightens me, the
way you did it. It smacks of witchcraft.
COLUMBUS: But instead its
only a question of intelligence. New things always frighten stupid people; and
now, all of you, down here together, on your knees: lets thank the Almighty
for the genius which he, luckily for you, was good enough to give me.
CHORUS: [Singing]
Laudamus, domine...
SECOND PROSECUTOR: Are you convinced,
now? Hes a witch. Did you see what happened to those twenty ships? Black
magic! I think the facts speak for themselves. The fact is that Christopher
Columbus...
FONSECA: ...is one of the
greatest sailors the world has known. That is what the facts show!
[COLUMBUS enters from the back of the stage, leaning on a crutch and
tottering] But how has the world thanked him? Look...! And now you want to
charge him with witchcraft!! Enough of this!
COLUMBUS: [Frontstage]
Enough? Ha! Ill say... enough indeed. Look at the state of me. A beggar in
rags. On my last trip I caught every poxy disease going. Parrot diseases.
Monkey diseases. You name it... I got back and I went knocking at the Kings
door... But what did I get? A kick up the arse from everyone from the Lord
Chancellor to the Court dwarf... well, not the dwarf, actually... he couldnt
reach. Huh! Well... its my fault, I suppose. You lie down with dogs and you
end up with fleas. I started off so well. In this scummy world where everyones
out for themselves, all I wanted was my little place in the sun.
Self-advancement, they say! Initiative! God helps those who help themselves! So
I did I made my little pot, I carved my little corner, but no, they didnt
like that, did they...! You fight your way up from the gutter, and they kick
you right back where you started. Faith, I had... Hope, I had... but Charity...
charity, they had none. And so I am left, brethren [Slightly bombastic],
to draw the necessary conclusions, and the only conclusion I can conclude is
that...
EXECUTIONER: [Wielding his
axe] OK, woah there! Come in number twenty-seven... youre running over
time with this show.
The actor playing the CONDEMNED MAN
suddenly sheds the character of COLUMBUS.
CONDEMNED MAN: [In a strangled
voice] Oh God! Id forgotten...!
EXECUTIONER: Come along,
Sunshine. We havent got all day. Up you go.
CONDEMNED MAN: Wait. [Turning
to the WOMAN from previously] Is there anything for me?
WOMAN: I wish I could say
there was, but there isnt, and I cant. They said no.
EXECUTIONER: Alright, can we get
a move on? [Pointing to the CONDEMNED MAN, who has started leaping
round the stage like a lunatic] Whats got into him now?
CONDEMNED MAN: [Laughing
uproariously] Ha, ha! ...And to think that I was waiting here for the
cavalry to arrive, and only now have I realised that the cavalry is us, us!
Yes, of course! And if we always sit around here, doing nothing, passive,
waiting for somebody to come and save us, and get us out, then well always
come unstuck!
EXECUTIONER: Well said! And now,
if youve finished filling your head with fancy ideas, kindly step this way,
because Ive got to remove it for you.
CONDEMNED MAN: Dont I even get a
few last words from the scaffold? About Columbus? A sort of... summing up?
EXECUTIONER: No! Enough! Basta!
Finito!
CONDEMNED MAN: What about if I
sing it?
EXECUTIONER: Oh, alright then...
I like a bit of a sing-song...
All the ACTORS arrange
themselves as at the start of the play. Some of them are wearing the costumes
of characters whom they have played subsequently and others are wearing the
cloaks, the hoods and the grotesque masks of the Inquisition. They sing in
chorus:
Without a doubt there has never been seen
A greater sailor
Than our Columbus
Since the world began.
But this Columbus
Was a white pigeon,
Dressed up as a falcon,
Dressed as a smooth operator.
On the sea, a great captain;
On the land, a courtier,
In order to be cunning,
He played with the powerful,
Who, as soon as he wasnt looking, put him down.
And then they transformed him,
He who had been so cunning and clever,
Into a poor devil,
As had been foreseen.
Those who take the side of the most powerful
Do not always have the greater advantage.
If you are not a priest, its not enough to seem
like one;
Its not enough just to sing in Latin.
In fact the true cunning man is always the
honest man,
And not the opportunist.
It is the man who at any cost
Always stands firm together with
The poor devils
And just men.
As the chorus is singing the
final verse, the ACTOR is carried up onto the scaffold, bound, and
made to kneel before a big chopping block. The EXECUTIONER raises his
axe. Everyone kneels down. Blackout. During the blackout we hear a yell from
the crowd. The lights come up. On the block we see the freshly-cut head of the CONDEMNED
MAN. Deprived of his head, the CONDEMNED MAN stands next to the
block, with one hand resting on his own cropped head. Obviously a trick is
involved here. The curtain falls.
[Ends]
[Performed for the first time at the Odeon Theatre, Milan. 6 September 1963.]
[Last updated: 6.viii.2012]
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Please be aware that this translation can only be performed with
explicit permission in writing from the agency representing Dario Fo and Franca
Rame, the Danesi-Tolnay agency in Rome.
Last updated: 6.viii.2012
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