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THE DOLL STORY
by Franca
Rame
translated
by Ed Emery
All rights reserved. This text shall not
by way of trade or otherwise be copied,
reproduced or recorded in a retrieval
system. Nor shall it be lent, resold, hire out or otherwise circulated without the owners' specific
written consent.
For performance rights, please contact:
ed.emery [@] britishlibrary.net
Please be aware that this translation can only be performed with
explicit permission in writing from the agency representing Dario Fo and Franca
Rame, the Danese-Tolnay agency in Rome.
Original text copyright © Franca Rame
Translation copyright © Ed Emery
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
THE DOLL STORY
by Franca
Rame
translated
by Ed Emery
So anyway, once upon a time there
was a lovely little girl who had a lovely little dolly. Well, actually, the
dolly wasn't lovely at all… she was all dirty and tatty and made of rags, and
she used to say terrible swear words, which the little girl learned and went
round repeating.
One day her mummy asked her:
"But who on earth taught you those horrible swear words?" "My
dolly," said the little girl. "Ooh, you liar! You've been hanging
round with those horrible boys."
"No, mummy, really, it's my
dolly. Come on, dolly, say a few swear words for mummy!"
And the dolly, who always did
everything the little girl asked her to do, because she loved her so much, came
out with a whole string of terrible words: "Porca puttana! Stronzo! Mi piaci un casino! Culo!" [She chants, like a slogan] "Cu-lo,
cu-lo, cu-lo!"
Well, I mean…!! Her mummy turned
a violent shade of pink, grabbed the dolly out of the little girl's hands,
flung open the window and… threw the dolly down into the yard, onto a pile of
old rubbish.
"Bad mummy! Bad mummy!"
says the little girl, and she runs down into the yard.
Now, just at that moment a big
ginger cat happened to be passing, and he grabs the dolly in his teeth and
ruches off to the woods with her.
It's night-time… It's dark… The
little girl is only a little girl… And she's scared… "Mummy… mummy…!"
But then, at a certain point, way off in the distance, she sees a little
glimmer of light. So she goes towards this little glimmer of light.. What on
earth was it? It was… A little gnome, who was standing on top of a toadstool
and widdling… phosphorescent widdle…!
"Excuse me, gnomey,"
she said, "have you seen a big ginger cat with a rag dolly in his mouth,
who swears all the time?"
"Er, there he is,
there," says the gnome, waving with his willy, and splosh, he squirts out
a big stream of widdle, which lands right on the ginger cat, which promptly
falls down dead. Because, as we know, gnomes' widdle is terribly poisonous for
cats!
"Thank you, thank you!"
the little girl started shouting. And the dolly, all sopping wet with widdle,
says: "Who is that stronzo, faccia di merda, who killed my ginger cat... I
liked him, you know… even if he did beat me… and left me with a sore bum… and
put me down… and made me work for him… and did horrible things to me, but I
still liked him. He had me slaving for him, I cried, I felt bad, but that only
made me love him even more, because he made me feel like a WOMAN, and I had my
MAN! And now what am I supposed to do
without my big bad cat? Brutto stronzo... faccia di merda... culo! Na-no culo!
Na-no culo!!"
And the litte gnome said:
"Ooh I like this dolly, who says all those bad words. You know what, I
could almost marry her!"
Then, all of a sudden: "NO! I'M MARRYING HER!" There was this
terrible loud voice, deep in the dark, dark woods – it was dark because there
wasn't any phosphorescent widdle any more… And who was it? Oh, seriously
scary!! It was a dirty great wolf, with big long fangs, just like this…!
"I'M MARRYING HER!"
"No! I don't want him…"
said the little dolly. "I don't want that crappy old wolf!"
"I am not a crappy old wolf.
I am an electronics engineer. A wicked witch turned me into a wolf… Look, I've
got my Rapidograph pen right here in my pocket if you don't believe me… But if
this little girl gives me a kiss on my forehead, I'll turn into a highly
desirable bachelor, good prospects, BMW, tasty income, seeks partner for
long-lasting relationship."
So the little girl kissed the
wolf and hey presto! He immediately turned into an electronics engineer, and
you'd never believe how handsome he was! And he was so happy that he let out a
tremendous fart, right in the face of the gnome, who keeled over, bosh, dead as
a doornail! Because, as we know, the farts of electronics engineers are
absolutely lethal for dwarfs and gnomes.
And as soon as the little girl
saw him, she fell madly in love with him. "Oh, isn't he handsome… Oh,
isn't he handsome…!"
So anyway, by this time, because
a bit of time had passed, the little girl had grown up a bit… and she'd
sprouted those two little round things that ladies have in front… and another
couple round the back too… and electronics engineers go crazy for those little
round things… […………..] And he said: "I've changed my mind. I'm not going
to marry the dolly. I'm going to marry the little girl instead, with her little
squidgy breasts and her nice round bum!" And so saying, they got married,
and they lived happily ever after.
So anyway, the next day… the
little dolly called a house meeting: "Meeting! Meeting! Cari sposini di merda… That's enough of all
that "happily ever after"! I could throw up, you know, watching you
two at it all day, all itchy-coo and smoochy-smoochy. I'm being marginalised
here. Social exclusion, my friends! And every day he goes off to the office, Mr Electronics Engineer, and you, the
blushing bride with the titties and the little round bum, you're stuck here
[….] all day till he comes home in the evening…. and then it's straight to bed
and more smoochy-smoochy! And in the morning you set the alarm clock two hours
early, and again it's all smoochy-smoochy… and after meals too, which you
should know is Very Bad for your health…"
"But I'm so Happy!"
says the little girl, who's grown into a young lady now, and already,
incidentally, has a little bun in the oven – "I'm SO in love!!"
"Don't talk crap," says
the rag dolly. "You're talking bollocks… 'I'm so happy…!' I've never seen
anyone more miserable than you in all my life! As stupid as I was, when I was with that ginger tom…
but with him, if you wanted to, at least you could have it out with him
politically, but what exactly can you have out with this electronics engineer
of yours?!!"
"Listen, you stinky rag
doll," shouted the engineer. "Either you stop trying to pick fights
between me and my wife, or I'm going to flush you down the bog!"
"Oh bog off yourself! Mr
So-Called Electronics Engineer!" says the little dolly, a touch vulgarly.
"Go flush yourself down the pan!"
Imagine it! To an electronics
engineer!
"OK," he said.
"You asked for this… I will 'bog off'… But I'm taking you with me… and I'm
going to use you as bog paper… you get my meaning!"
And that is exactly what he does.
The electronics engineer takes the little rag dolly, and goes to the toilet,
and locks himself in…
"No, please, husband… Don't
do it… Don't do that to my little dolly…! Open the door!"
"No I will not open the
door. Here I am, with my trousers down… and now I'm going to… wipe… my…
bum!"
At that moment there was a
terrible scream from the engineer.
"Aaaaaah!" An electronic scream, you might say!! What on earth
had happened? What had happened was that the dolly, just as he was wiping his
bum, all of a sudden dived up his bumhole… Whoosh… headfirst… so that all that
was left was her two little feet sticking out!
"Help…. Wife! I've had a
terrible accident… Your spiteful little dolly has stuck herself up my bum…!
Quick, pull her out!"
"I'm pulling, I'm pulling,
but she won't come!"
"Pull harder, then!"
"She won't budge…!"
"Ooooh! Aaaargh! The pain! I feel like I'm dying… I
feel like I'm giving birth! Heeelp! Wife, call me a midwife…!"
So the wife does as he says and
goes to get a midwife. And just as she opens the door – as we know, the ways of
the Lord are infinite – lo and behold, there's a midwife going by… With
"Midwife" printed on her apron… Backwards… Like the ambulances do…
"Oh Mrs Midwife, heaven must have sent
you! Come in, please… we've had a terrible accident…"
When the midwife saw the engineer's
bottom, with the two little feet sticking out, and the little shoes on the
feet… she said: "Oh, now that's very
well-organised of you… Got the shoes on the baby already… Is this your
husband?"
"Yes."
"Hmmm… Difficult birth. Feet
first…"
And at that point she starts
laughing. Laughing fit to bust …! And you know how it is, when you start
laughing like that… well, "Ooooh, I've wet my knickers… Ooooh, I've done a
widdle… I know I'm a midwife, but I've been bewitched, you know… and when I start
I can't stop… You'd better do something… I wouldn't want to cause a disaster
here… Flooding… I don't want anyone drowning … Quick, bring a bucket!"
So they give her a bucket, and
she does her widdle… all very serious … looking off into the middle distance… like
men do when they're weeing out in public places … And when she's finished, she
says: "It's magic widdle. Give it to your husband to drink. Highly
laxative. That should sort him out…"
And the engineer says: "Has
everyone gone nuts in this house… I'm expected to drink this lady's widdle… We
haven't even been introduced!!"
And his wife: "Alright, I'll
introduce you…"
"No, you must be kidding… no
way…!"
"But darling," she
says, "you absolutely have to do your poop!"
"Oh well, I suppose so….
Well let's have a bit of vermouth with it, then… angostura bitters… a couple of
drops of lemon… [Mimes drinking from the
bucket] Hey, now that… that is GOOD! Here, seriously… Here, try a
taste…"
"No, you drink it,
darling…"
And he drinks, and drinks… and
his belly swells and swells… and he drinks… and he swells… And all of a sudden,
BANG! He bursts! And there's absolutely nothing left of the engineer… not a bit
of skin… not even his Rapidograph pen that he was so proud of…!
But the dolly, she's there, all
in on piece, and she is laughing like a lunatic.
"Did you see that?" she
says to the grown-up little girl. "Stronza di una cogliona! I've liberated
you from your engineer! Now you are the mistress of your own body, of your choices,
of yourself... you're FREEEEEE! Come on, let's go…"
And the grown-up little girl
takes her dolly and hugs her closely closely to her, and gradually, gradually,
the little dolly disappears, right into her heart.
And now the grown-up little girl is
out there all on her own, on a long, long road… She walks and walks, and she
comes to a big tree. And underneath that tree there are lots of other grown-up
little girls just like herself, and they make her ever so welcome, and they
say: "Sit down here… with us… We're all telling our own stories. Why don't
you start…" they say to a fair-haired girl sitting there. And the girl
begins: "When I was a little girl I had a rag doll who used to say terrible swear-words…"
"Me too!"
"Me too!"
"Me too!"
And all the girls burst out
laughing. And one of them says: "Well, who would ever have imagined it:
Your story… my story… We've all got the same story…!"
Ends
[Excerpted from "We All Have
the Same Story"]