THE DEVIL IN DRAG
[ “Il Diavolo con le Zinne” ]
by Dario Fo
translated and adapted by Ed Emery
_________________________________________
For all
queries regarding performance rights, please contact
Agenzia
Tolnay : info [@] tolnayagency.it
For all
queries regarding the text, please contact the translator at:
ed.emery
[@]thefreeuniversity.net
Original text
copyright © Dario Fo
Translation
copyright © Ed Emery
_________________________________________
[The Performance Text]
First performed on 7 August 1997 at the Teatro
Vittorio Emanuele in Messina, Sicily.
CHARACTERS
[As indicated below, if necessary the characters
in this play can all be performed by a total of twelve actors.]
Pizzocca Ganassa,
housekeeper to Judge Alfonso de Tristano.
Cardinal Ambone and Intruder / Father Mirone /
Crewman on galley.
Francipante, a Master Devil / Prosecuting lawyer
/ Follower of Father Mirone / Helmsman of galley.
Barlocco, an apprentice Devil / Prosecuting
lawyer / Follower of Father Mirone / Devil (in Act II) / Prisoner on galley.
Jacoba Stareffa, lover of the Captain of the
Guard / Townswoman / Follower of Father Mirone / She-Devil (in Act II).
Zoanna, a young serving girl / Operator of the
puppet of the Devil Barlocco / Woman possessed by devil / Townswoman /
She-Devil.
Clarissa, a young serving girl / Operator of the
puppet of the Devil Barlocco / Townswoman / Follower of Father Mirone /
She-Devil.
Young servant / Acrobat stand-in for Pizzocca /
Townswoman / Follower of Father Mirone / Devil (in Act II).
Geron de la Noci, a thief / Inquisitor /
Francipante’s double / Follower of Father Mirone / Devil (in Act II) / Prisoner
on galley.
Acrobat stand-in for Judge / Musician / Operator
of the puppet of the Devil Barlocco / Man of the town / Follower of Father
Mirone / Devil (in Act II) / Prisoner on galley.
First Guard / Blacksmith / Devil / Follower of
Father Mirone / Devil (in Act II) / Prisoner on galley.
Second Guard / Follower of Father Mirone / Devil
(in Act II) / Prisoner on galley.
The action takes place in a city in Central
Northern Italy at the end of the sixteenth century.
ACT ONE
SCENE ONE
STAGE SETTING:
The stage setting represents a
classic Renaissance stage. Where possible it will have five levels of wings
moving back in perspective, and two traversing arcades emerging from the second
and fourth wings. As the curtains open we find ourselves on a terrace at the
top of a stately building. At each side of the proscenium are two small
balustrades to indicate the limits of the terrace.
As the lights come up, or the
curtain opens, we find a musician on-stage playing a lute. Three GIRLS, ZOANNA,
CLARISSA AND SIMONA bring in a step-ladder and a large basket. They take out
sheets and linen which they hang at the back of the stage, to dry in a slight
breeze. As they do this, they sing quietly, and their song provides a gentle
background to PIZZOCCA’s opening speech:
[INSERT SONG]
ACT ONE
SCENE TWO
From between the hanging
sheets, enter PIZZOCCA, serving maid and housekeeper to JUDGE ALFONSO DE
TRISTANO. She is as dry as a stick, and walks with strange movements like an
ostrich. She adjusts her costume as she comes.
PIZZOCCA: [She notices the
audience] Oh lord – the ladies and gentlemen are here already! [To the
wings] Why didn't you warn me? [To the audience] Good evening,
welcome, welcome ladies and gentlemen... It looks like it falls to me to open
the proceedings, so first allow me to present myself. My name is Pizzocca
Ganassa, and I am the ruler, that's to say the housekeeper, in the house of his
Honour the Judge, one of the most notable men in this city... who lives right
here... in this palace... his Honour Alfonso Ferdinando de Tristano! You should
know that my master is a terribly serious man. Not that he hasn’t got a sense
of humour – I myself have seen him laugh – once. But more to the point, he’s
terrifically intelligent! He's got a brain... such a brain... that when he
thinks... [Raising her hands she mimes wheels going round in her head]
Brrrr brrrrr... it makes a noise!
ZOANNA: Yes, yes... [Making
a similar gesture] Brrrrrrrr! The house even shakes!
PIZZOCCA: Don't make fun of
me, you! [To the audience] As I was saying, he's really intelligent! And
he's also terribly brave and honest! He bows to nobody. But as you know, in
this city, intelligent, brave and honest judges have a hard time of it... Just
as they're on the point of uncovering the misdeeds of wrongdoers and murderers,
the first thing that happens is that out come the gossip-mongers... who scurry
about... spreading rumours and slander. And then they blow them up! They kill
them! But my Judge stops for nothing and nobody! I'll give you an example...
You will have heard of the fire at the city's Cathedral, which happened the
other week...
Exit one of the three SERVING GIRLS.
ZOANNA: [Interrupting
her] Oh yes! What a disaster... A huge blaze, and the Captain of the Guard
was burned alive!
CLARISSA: Yes, the Captain of
the Guard... Imagine it! Up in the sacristy, in the sacrestan's bedroom, making
love with a woman, and her running off with the flames coming out of her
backside!
PIZZOCCA: Oh yes? Ran off
with flames coming out of her bum?! Imagine how many men running behind her to
put out the fire! [She chuckles amusedly. The two SERVING GIRLS sit
down to listen, one on the trunk and the other on the floor] That's enough
laughing! A man is dead, here! Anyway, this Judge of ours calls an inquiry...
and listen to the intelligence of the man: in order to find out who started the
fire, he has his guards going round the streets by the Cathedral picking up
horse-shit!
ZOANNA: Why on earth would
he do that?
PIZZOCCA: Because he's a
mathematical genius, that’s why. In the course of his investigation he
discovered that a big statue had disappeared from the cathedral – the statue of
St George on horseback killing the dragon, which is covered in gold-leaf and
worth a fortune... But in the ashes of the
burned cathedral there was no sign of any gold... Not a bit! So the
Judge concluded: "They've stolen it!" But who had stolen it? What
kind of cart would have been needed to carry away a statue as big as that? And
what kind of horse would have pulled the cart? As the proverb says: “When a
horse is straining with a big cart, it shits mountains!” So what does he do? He
tells the city guards to gather up all the horse dung they can find in the
streets around the cathedral, and bring it to the Courtroom immediately! Such a
scene, you'd die laughing: all the guards going round on all fours picking up
horse shit... "This one's cold... No... This one's quite warm... Alright,
take it to the Judge."
ZOANNA: So what was he
going to do with all this dung?
PIZZOCCA: I’ll tell you... In
the courtroom, he had all the dung spread out on a big table, all labelled to
say where it came from. The stink was deadly! The Judge sent for a blacksmith,
and he told him:
Voices off.
JUDGE: I want you to
examine all this dung. Sniff it, feel it, even eat a bit if you have to... But
tell me which of them was dropped by a heavy-duty horse.
FARRIER: This one, for sure.
This comes from a big draught-horse. You can tell by the consistency –
strong-smelling and rich! If this shite was found...
JUDGE: Would you mind
calling it dung?
FARRIER: Yes sir. If this
shite-dung was found on the road to Santa Margherita, then I’ve an idea where
you might find the horse!
PIZZOCCA: No sooner said than
done. The guards went off with the blacksmith, and they found the horse at the
Grande Cascina dei Biss. And there, in the hay barn, lo and behold, a big cart,
and on it the statue of St George and the Dragon!
ZOANNA: Oh, the
intelligence of the man!
CLARISSA: What an amazing
mind!
The two SERVING GIRLS
pull on the clothes line and raise the sheets to reveal the next scene. Then
they move to one side of the stage. Trumpets sound.
ACT ONE
SCENE THREE
We find ourselves in the main
Courtroom
On stage are the JUDGE, a PROSECUTING
LAWYER, the PRISON WARDER, GUARDS, WITNESSES and MEMBERS
OF THE PUBLIC.
JUDGE: Silence! What is
this, a henhouse or a court of law? Bring in the farmer, the owner of the shire
horse.
Enter GERON DE LE NOCI,
between two GUARDS. He is limping visibly.
FIRST GUARD: [Cuffing him
from behind] And you can stop the play-acting with the limping. Walk
properly!
JUDGE: What has happened
to you?
SECOND GUARD: [Matter-of-fact]
We stretched him on the rack, sir. And then we had to singe him a bit... as
per usual.
JUDGE: As per usual?!
SECOND GUARD: Yes, and then,
quick as a flash, he confessed!
A murmuring among the crowd.
JUDGE: [Indignantly]
I will not have torture in any court of mine! Next time you’ll be under arrest
yourselves. [To the PRISONER] What's your name?
GERON DE LE NOCI:
Geron de le Noci.
JUDGE: [Leaning forward
in his seat to look into his face] Did they hurt you a lot, stretching you
on the rack?
GERON DE LE NOCI: Yes, your Honour,
hurt me terribly... All cracked up!
JUDGE: And did they use
fire?
GERON DE LE NOCI: Burned me right up
my back, your Honour!
JUDGE: Hmmm. The court
needs to know, was it you who stole the golden statue of St George?
GERON DE LE NOCI:
No, sir... I swear it, by all that is holy!
JUDGE: Listen to me, Geron
de le Noci... as you will have noticed, I will not tolerate in my jurisdiction the
disgrace of people torturing Christians. But don't you go forcing me to hand
you over to these brutes. I want you to tell me the truth. Now, repeat after
me: "It was me who stole the statue!"
GERON DE LE NOCI: [With emphasis]
It was me who stole the statue!
JUDGE: [Leaning back]
Oh well done! Now, did you steal it on your own account, or did someone else
put you up to it?
GERON DE LE NOCI: It wasn’t for me...
I stole it for a gentleman... he gave me a purse of two hundred florins in
advance.
JUDGE: And what was his
name? Who is this gentleman...?
GERON DE LE NOCI: I don't know his
name.
JUDGE: I suppose he
appeared to you in a dream...
GERON DE LE NOCI:
No... He
turned up at my hut with the horse... and with his face masked.
JUDGE: And did he also pay
you to set fire to the Cathedral?
GERON DE LE NOCI: No, nobody said
anything about fire, and I swear, it wasn't me who did it!
A GUARD hands the JUDGE
a "bautta" mask.
JUDGE: The mask that the
gentleman was wearing, was it perhaps a "bautta", like this?
A dress-maker's dummy is
brought on-stage. The various items are placed on it one by one.
GERON DE LE NOCI: Yes, the very one!
JUDGE: [As above]
And was he wearing this kind of hat?
GERON DE LE NOCI:
Exactly!
The GUARD passes a
cloak, which the JUDGE waves under the nose of GERON DE LE NOCI
JUDGE: And maybe a big
cloak of this colour and style?
GERON DE LE NOCI: Yes, exactly the
same!
JUDGE: You're very lucky
that we found them.
GERON DE LE NOCI: What d’you mean,
“found” them?
JUDGE: They were found in
the house of the late lamented and supposedly incinerated Captain!
GERON DE LE NOCI: So then, your
Honour, it was actually the Captain who ordered me to steal him the statue?!
JUDGE: Yes, but he was
acting on orders too. He was acting on behalf of a group of leading citizens of
this city, who had their reasons for wanting the Cathedral burned down. This
was a deliberate ploy to mislead us by making it look as if the fire had been
started in order to cover the theft of the golden statue. And that way, a big
stupid-brain ends up taking the blame for the fire. In other words, you!
GERON DE LE NOCI:
Oh! The
bastards! They wanted to blame me for everything!
JUDGE: Exactly!
GERON DE LE NOCI: Well fancy that –
so it was the Captain himself who started the fire, and then he ends up getting
burned alive...
JUDGE: That is a possible
interpretation.
GERON DE LE NOCI: So I'm free to go!
JUDGE: Certainly. Free to
go as regards starting the fire. But you stay in jail on account of stealing
the statue... Even if it was on commission... Take him away!
GERON DE LE NOCI: [Despondently]
This isn't my day!
He is led off by the two GUARDS.
JUDGE: Good, we've
finished for today. We start again tomorrow. [General applause] No, no
applause! We're not in a theatre, here... [Everyone heads for the exit, but
then they stop in their tracks and turn to look at the JUDGE. A pause]
Or are we?
Everyone except PIZZOCCA exits.
The two young SERVING GIRLS lower the sheets and then also exit.
ACT ONE
SCENE FOUR
PIZZOCCA: [Directly to the
audience] You have seen, you have watched, and now you must agree: this
Judge is a real hawk! He had the lid off the whole business, quick as a flash!
Oh, what a story! I can't wait for tomorrow’s session, to find out what happens
next! I just know I won't get a wink of sleep tonight! So, you've already met
the main characters of our comedy. [The characters pass in front of the
sheets as they are cited, and they bow as they go] [Note 1] The Judge. The
Thief. The Blacksmith... The two Girls... who are beautiful, but a bit of a
handful! Then there's another girl that you've not met yet... A fine figure of
a woman, all overflowing with curves... [She indicates breasts, hips and
backside] ...narrow at the waist like a wasp, with two thighs as plump as
hams. What happens then? Somebody arrives who likes ham! The Cardinal! And that
leaves who? Oh Lord, how silly! There's me... Such a modest soul that I was
forgetting myself. My name is Pizzocca Ganassa, housekeeper and serving maid to
his Honour the Judge... As I told you before. But what I haven't told you yet [She
raises her hands as a megaphone in front of her mouth, and lowers her voice]
because if the others hear me, they'll get jealous... is that I’m far and away
the most important character in this play, and without me this show goes
nowhere! Now, I'm going up on the terrace to put my feet up for a bit. I’ll be
back to see you later... I don’t think you’ll find our little play hard to
follow. But don’t go nodding off. Pay attention. It’s got allegories, and you
should listen out for them... Don't forget! Theatre isn't like reading a book.
If you miss something, you can’t turn back the page and read it again. No.
Theatre is like life: what's done is done, and there's no turning back!
She blows a kiss to the
audience and exits, stage-left, to the strains of a tarantella. A curtain is
lowered, depicting the facade of the palace.
ACT ONE
SCENE FIVE
Stage left, two DEVILS appear,
if possible with a flash. They are lit by spotlights. Maestro FRANCIPANTE and
his apprentice devil BARLOCCO
BARLOCCO-DEVIL: [Shouting after PIZZOCCA]
Just a moment... Hey, I say, Mrs Lady Leading Actress, you forgot to introduce us!
FRANCIPANTE: [Peremptorily]
Barlocco! [Pointing to a lady in the audience] You gave that poor lady a
fright! Barlocco, forget it... The Pizzocca woman doesn’t even know we’re here.
[To the audience near him] Sorry about this, he's just a learner.
BARLOCCO: What d'you mean,
doesn’t know we’re here? The woman stands up here, spewing out prologues, and
she names every dog and pig in the place, and says nothing about us? I presume
you’re joking! You mean we don’t even get a mention?!
FRANCIPANTE: Barlocco, you are
being very silly. Will you please shut up!
BARLOCCO: [Indicating the
audience around him] Maestro! Oh, what a lot of Christians here! Whoever of
you is without sin, let him throw the first stone! [They cower slightly,
covering their heads with their arms to ward off an expected shower of stones,
which does not come] Haha! Maestro, is it really true what you say, that
Pizzocca didn't introduce us because she doesn’t know we’re here?
FRANCIPANTE: Indeed, sir. For
the reason being that this comedy which we are about to perform is an
improvised comedy... We make it up as we go along...
BARLOCCO: Improvised?
FRANCIPANTE: Yes. In other
words, everything that happens on this stage happens as if by chance, and
cannot be predicted... Especially the sudden appearance of unscripted
characters such as ourselves!
BARLOCCO: You mean we're not
even in the script? But aren't you the master devil? And am I not your demon
apprentice?!
FRANCIPANTE: [Worried]
Shush! Stop your stupid prattle! You’ll get these spectators into terrible
trouble. Don't you know that these days they take Christians who believe in the
Devil and they burn them at the stake?
BARLOCCO: And what about if
they don't believe in the Devil?
FRANCIPANTE: They burn them too!
FRANCIPANTE wanders off into the wings.
BARLOCCO:
But wait a minute, Maestro... If Pizzocca doesn’t know we’re here, then maybe the
audience doesn’t know either...
A stand-in for FRANCIPANTE pops
back in, stage-right, but the next line is in FRANCIPANTE’s voice.
FRANCIPANTE: Wrong again!
Christian spectators can see us and hear us... But Christian actors, no!
Understand?
The STAND-IN FOR
FRANCIPANTE disappears, stage right.
BARLOCCO: [Looking into
the wings, stage right] Maestro, don’t keep running away like that! Where
are you?
With a leap, FRANCIPANTE
appears at stage-left, accompanied by a flash, a small cloud of smoke and maybe
a loud raspberry on a trombone.
FRANCIPANTE: [As if in a
fanfare] Taraaa!
BARLOCCO:
Ha! That’s amazing! Brilliant! [To the audience] Did you see that? One second
he’s here, the next he's over there! A miracle? How did you do that?
FRANCIPANTE'S DOUBLE: [Wandering back
on-stage] What d'you mean, idiot – we tricked you. I’m his double! [To
the audience] Goodbye!
He disappears with a snigger.
FRANCIPANTE: Hang on, I need a
minute to get my breath back!
BARLOCCO:
So, tell me, Maestro... You have brought me here to see this Judge Alfonso de
Tristano doing his business in the Courthouse. But why?
FRANCIPANTE: Because you, my
son, are destined for a great mission! Historic, even.
BARLOCCO: A mission?
FRANCIPANTE: Your mission is...
to take possession of his Honour the Judge!
BARLOCCO: How d’you mean,
possession?
FRANCIPANTE: Of his body, his
brain, his limbs, his voice, his thoughts and actions, and his every wish and
fancy!
BARLOCCO: Hell's cancer – all
in one go? And what do I do then?
FRANCIPANTE: Ruin him! Corrupt
him! He is a holy man. Chaste and inviolate! Never even had a woman. It seems
he can’t be corrupted. Imagine it! A saint! It also seems that his intention is
to start a public inquiry, in order to overthrow the government of this city,
which is run by crooks and swindlers. Your job is to drag him down, turn him
ino a seething sex-pot, a swindling hypocrite!
BARLOCCO: But that’s hard,
Maestro. What if I fail?
FRANCIPANTE: In that case you
know what the punishment is: you will be dis5solved in the seething shite of
Hell's inferno!
BARLOCCO: Well spike me up my
grunge-pipe, what a terrible way to go!
FRANCIPANTE: And we won’t be
having vulgar language! Because you're going to infiltrate the body of a very
proper Christian!
BARLOCCO: Infiltrate him?
Don’t tell me – he’s going to swallow me like a communion wafer...
FRANCIPANTE: No, you won’t be
going in through the mouth.
BARLOCCO: So how, then?
FRANCIPANTE: Through the best
and most fundamental of orifices: his bumhole! [Note 2]
BARLOCCO: Tell me that you’re
joking, Maestro!
FRANCIPANTE: Not at all. It's
the easiest way in... A little devil like you should go up there easy-peasy.
Think of yourself as a suppository.
BARLOCCO: Do I really
have to become a suppository for this man’s bumhole?!
Enter a DEVIL with a saw,
which he hands to FRANCIPANTE.
FRANCIPANTE: Yes! Now, let's
have your head!
BARLOCCO: No, no, you’re not
going to saw my head off!
FRANCIPANTE: [Sawing off his
horns] No... Just these two pointy bits... Because a suppository with horns
on presents... certain problems...
BARLOCCO: Oh God, a
suppository! Don’t let my mum get to hear of it!
FRANCIPANTE: Oh do stop
complaining! And remember that going up the back passage of a magistrate is an
honour without equal in this world... One up on the camel through the eye of a
needle...!
They exit, dancing to the
strains of the tarantella heard previously. The lights dim.
ACT ONE
SCENE SIX
Enter PIZZOCCA.
PIZZOCCA: Right? Ready? Wait
for it...
In the half-light we hear a
loud bang, followed by another. The balustrades at stage-right and stage-left
are knocked flying by the explosion. Bits and pieces are hurled across the
stage and there may be a cloud of smoke.
Enter the two SERVING GIRLS,
running. They scream with fear. They may be followed by others – GUARDS
for instance.
PIZZOCCA: [She is visibly
upset] So much for putting my feet up for a bit! You girls, stop screaming
your heads off, and come and sweep up here.
The two SERVING GIRLS
clear the bits off the stage, helped by the GUARDS, if necessary. As
they do so:
ACT ONE
SCENE SEVEN
The facade of the palace rises,
and we find ourselves in the drawing room of the JUDGE's apartments. The
entry door is stage left. Stage right is another door which gives access to
other rooms. Stage right there is a hint of a staircase leading to an upper
gallery. The following items are on-stage: in the centre is a large table;
there may be various chairs and armchairs. At the back of the stage is a
classic Renaissance sideboard, on which sits a large covered vase full of balls
of horse dung. There are also plates, drinking vessels of pewter and silver,
and various bottles. At the back of the stage is also a dress-maker's dummy on
which clothes can be hung. We hear knocking at the door, stage-left.
The GIRLS exit, and PIZZOCCA
crosses into the room.
PIZZOCCA: I'm coming!! [As
she enters, she is obviously in a state. She crosses the stage with her curious
ostrich-like walk] I'm coming! God, what a state I'm in! You see? You see?
Now they’ve started chucking bombs at him! I knew it would come to this. And
you know why? Because he has this mania for going out on his balcony and waving
to Brother Michele da Lentini and his pathetic band of heretics every time they
come by in procession. Heretics are no good. Heretics mean trouble. And the
Master is like a moth to a candle when it comes to trouble! [Further violent
knocking at the door] I'm cooooming! Who is it? [She opens the door.
Enter a YOUNG WOMAN, rather haughtily. She is dressed fairly showily,
and wears a large shawl and a veil to hide her face] Hey – stop right there!
Where do you think you’re going, all covered up like that?!
JACOBA: I have to speak
with the Judge!
PIZZOCCA: No, dear. If you
have to speak with the Judge, go to the Courtroom with your face uncovered, and
there you can prattle away to your heart's content...
JACOBA: I can't go to the
Courtroom. I'm in terrible danger! They'll kill me!
PIZZOCCA: Kill you? What
d’you mean, kill you?!
JACOBA: You should know
that I am the woman who was in bed with the Captain of the Guard when the
Cathedral caught fire.
PIZZOCCA: Oh! By Saint
Gertrude violated by the Turks... So you were the one who went running off
naked with the fire coming out of your backside? Ha, ha! [She bows
obsequiously] Pleased to meet you! Highly honoured... Do sit down, make
yourself at home. [She almost forces her to sit down] So now let’s take
a look at you!
She attempts to raise her veil.
JACOBA: [She leaps to
her feet to prevent her] No, I dare not! What I have to say can only be
revealed to the Judge!
PIZZOCCA: [Sitting down
with a sigh] Sorry to tell you this, but first you have to reveal it to me!
JACOBA: And why might that
be?
PIZZOCCA: For the legally
cast-iron fact that I am the Judge's sole collaborator. I’m his secretary! And
either you confide in me... Or there's the door, and off you go, fuori dai
coglioni! [Note 2]
JACOBA: [She sighs]
Oh, alright then...
[She raises her veil]
PIZZOCCA: Well, well, well,
the Captain’s moll! [To JACOBA] I told you, dear, sit down, make
yourself comfortable. Now tell me – so the Captain and you were up in your
little love-nest, and while you were enjoying a bit of slap and tickle, he had
arranged for a thief to come and carry off the statue...?
JACOBA: No, we only started
making love afterwards...
PIZZOCCA: Afterwards... After
he started the fire?!
JACOBA: No, he had nothing
to do with it!
PIZZOCCA: But you had
something to do with it...
JACOBA: No, what d'you
mean...?! If you must know, he was actually killed before the fire started.
PIZZOCCA: Killed?!
JACOBA: Yes. Stabbed! [She
gestures as if plunging a dagger into her breast] Like that!
PIZZOCCA: Just like that...
While he was in bed with you?!
JACOBA: Yes. And that was
the reason why he couldn't save himself from the fire... Because he’d been
stabbed... like a Saint Sebastian... And the blow of the knife cut me too!
She opens her bodice, copiously
revealing a breast with an obvious wound.
PIZZOCCA: Oh Saint Agatha of
the transfixed tits! It's a miracle. They stuck a knife in your tit and it
didn't explode?! [She changes tone] Is that a real wound? Let me feel.
JACOBA: No!
PIZZOCCA: Let me touch it, I
said! [She grabs her by one arm and either swings her or flicks her over in
such a way as to make her do a somersault. JACOBA ends up front-stage]
And where d’you think you’re going? Into the arms of the audience?! [She
points to a lady in the first row] You see the fright you gave to that poor
lady there...
ACT ONE
SCENE EIGHT
Enter the JUDGE.
JUDGE: Pizzocca, why are
you looking at that girl? Who is she?
JACOBA covers her breasts and face.
PIZZOCCA: She is someone who
has... tragic news, your Honour!
JUDGE: And she keeps this
news hidden between her breasts?!
JACOBA: Oh sir, sir, are
you his Honour the Judge? [She removes the veil from her face] I was
telling your secretary here [PIZZOCCA gives her a kick or somehow tries to
shut her up] about my lover the Captain... who was killed while he lay at
my breast! [She reveals her breasts again] Look, you may see the wound!
JUDGE: [He stops her,
in embarrassment] Not necessary, thank you.
JACOBA: You can even touch
it, if you want!
JUDGE: [Embarrassed]
Thank you, but I don't touch a thing when I'm fasting. [He changes tone]
Anyway, what d’you mean, “secretary”? I don’t have a secretary...
JACOBA: [Amazed,
pointing to PIZZOCCA] But the lady said...
PIZZOCCA: Some mad woman who
was hanging round here... I sent her away with a kick in the pants!
JUDGE: [Furious]
Pizzocca... You're going to have to stop interfering and sticking your nose
into the business of the Tribunal...! One of these days it's going to end up
with me kicking you out... [To the GIRL:] And you, daughter... If
you really do have something to reveal... apart from your female attributes,
that is... follow me to the Courtroom... And if I were you, I’d cover that
fruit from the sun... because it's ripe enough already! [He turns back to PIZZOCCA]
And you, next time... you’ll be out on your neck!
Exit the JUDGE and JACOBA.
PIZZOCCA: Oh Lord, he's angry
now! Damn, what a disaster! Here I was, all in a state because they were about
to kill him at any minute... Then this gorgeous girl turns up, and starts
telling me a seething tale of passion... And just at the moment when her
Captain was in full flight, and shouting: "God! God... Light of my
life...!" Zap! A stab-wound to the heart... and the light of his life went
out for good... And then the Master has to come and rob me of the grand finale!
Hey no, I won't stand for it! He can kick me out if he likes, but I want to
know how it ended up. I'm going upstairs... over his office there's a little
hole where you can listen in, like you're in a confessional! [She goes up
the stairs] Oh Saint Orsola violated by the Turks... I'm all sweating with
emotion here!
She disappears into the wings,
going up the stairs.
ACT ONE
SCENE NINE
The two DEVILS enter
through the main door and look around.
FRANCIPANTE: Watch out they
don't discover us! You can bet your life that Pizzocca will be up there spying
on us...
BARLOCCO: [Peering into
the other rooms] It’s alright, there's no-one here.
From the room next door we hear
the scream of a woman. The DEVILS hide under the big table, while the JUDGE
appears, holding in his arms a young woman. It is JACOBA, who has
fainted.
JUDGE: Oh that's all we
need! She’s passed out! [He calls out] Pizzocca... Quick, bring some
water and smelling salts! Pizzocca...!
The STAND-IN FOR
PIZZOCCA peeps out of the top right arch. [Note 3]
PIZZOCCA: You called, sir?
JUDGE: What are you doing
up there? Come down at once!
PIZZOCCA:
Yes, sir. At once. I fly, I fly...! [PIZZOCCA'S STAND-IN
takes hold of a rope and launches herself across the stage. She lands with a
thud in the wings, where she is replaced by PIZZOCCA, who enters
backwards, and limping] Saint Orsola flying in Heaven, what a bump!
Whatever possessed me to fly... I haven't flown for ages! I'm all in bits!
JUDGE: Pizzocca, quick!
This is a disaster. The girl’s passed out on me. Hurry up and do something,
we’ve got to get her out of here.
PIZZOCCA: Has she fainted, or
what?
JUDGE: I don’t know. Look,
she’s got a sort of froth coming out of her mouth.
PIZZOCCA: [She sniffs]
Oh, by all the saints in heaven! She's poisoned herself! It's deadly
nightshade! But why? Why would she have
done that?
JUDGE: I think I can guess
the reason.
PIZZOCCA: Would you mind
telling me too, so’s I can get some sleep tonight?
JUDGE: Oh Lord... I think
I'm going to be sick!
PIZZOCCA: Tummy upset, your
Honour?
JUDGE: Er, yes.
PIZZOCCA: Just go and relax
in the toilet, and let yourself go, your Honour... I'll see to the girl.
JUDGE: She can't stay in
here! Pizzocca, for goodness sake, do whatever you have to, but save her... If
she dies here in my apartments, my reputation will be shot to pieces.
He exits, groaning and
clutching his belly.
PIZZOCCA: Relax, your Honour,
if she’s going to die, I’ll make sure it’s somewhere else! [To the audience]
Poor man, he's got a terrible problem... No sooner does he see a pair of tits
than... he gets all cranked up inside... [She points to her stomach]
...so bad that he can be stuck in the toilet for five hours at a stretch. [She
calls the two SERVING GIRLS loudly] Zoanna! Clarissa! Where are you?
She goes to the sideboard and
rummages among various pots, jars and bottles for the antidote.
ZOANNA AND CLARISSA: [From off-stage]
Coming!
PIZZOCCA: Get a move on, you
wretches. Come and give me a hand!
ACT ONE
SCENE TEN
Enter the two young SERVING GIRLS,
holding the Judge's ceremonial robe and hat, which they place on the
dressmaker's dummy.
CLARISSA: You called?
ZOANNA: We were preparing
his Excellency's ceremonial robe!
PIZZOCCA: Oh yes, I forgot,
he’s invited to supper with the Duke after the theatre tonight. [She points
to JACOBA] I need your help to get this girl sorted out.
ZOANNA: She's so pale! Who
is she?
CLARISSA: And what's that
stuff coming out of her mouth?
PIZZOCCA: Seems like she
tried to poison herself, that’s what. [She continues rummaging] Oh Lord,
and I’ve still got all this shite here. It’s the master’s fault for rushing me:
"Hurry up... I want these pickled in alcohol, to use them as
evidence..." And then he forgets to take them and they just end up making
the house stink! [She sniffs them] God they smell weird! Right, girls,
this should be pretty simple. [She produces a bucket] First of all, shawl
off. [She removes the shawl] Now you two, hold her over the bucket. [The
GIRLS do as she says] Hold her steady. And now two fingers down the
throat...
JACOBA vomits into the bucket.
CLARISSA: Oh God, that’s
revolting...!
ZOANNA: It stinks...!
PIZZOCCA: Now, lay her out on
the table.
The GIRLS do as she
says. JACOBA’s womanly attributes are somewhat revealed. Meanwhile there is a violent banging at
the door.
Who's that now? This place is a madhouse! [She
shouts] I'm coming! [She leaves the bucket and goes over to the entry
door in the wings] Who is it... I don't care who you are... If you want to
put in a statement, go down to the Courthouse!
ZOANNA and CLARISSA exit hastily.
ACT ONE
SCENE ELEVEN
The intruder enters, pushing PIZZOCCA out of
the way. He wears a Venetian bautta mask and a broad-brimmed hat, and is
wrapped in a large cloak.
INTRUDER: Out of my way! I
have to confer with the Judge. At once! [With large strides he goes straight
past JACOBA on the table] Inform the Judge that I am... [Faced
with the sight of JACOBA’s womanly attributes, he is stopped in his tracks]
er... here... um... here...
PIZZOCCA: [She grabs a long
stick] Oh no you don’t! Wallop! [She fetches him a mighty blow on the
back. The intruder falls heavily to the ground] Show's over!
INTRUDER: Help!
He makes as if reaching for
something under his cloak.
PIZZOCCA: Drawing your sword,
eh?!
She thumps him again. As if
doing fancy sword-work.
INTRUDER: It’s not a sword,
it’s my purse!
He produces a small velvet bag
containing money, and throws it to her.
PIZZOCCA: A purse! With
money. To corrupt his Honour the Judge, I presume!
A further series of blows.
INTRUDER: What's got into
you?! Calm down! [He tries to escape the woman's blows] Stop it, you
wretch! I am Cardinal Ambone!
PIZZOCCA: Yes... [More
blows] Oh yes, the cardinal goes round with a big sword and bags of money
to corrupt his Honour the Judge, eh? I don’t think!
CARDINAL: Help! She's killing
me!
ACT ONE
SCENE TWELVE
[Enter the JUDGE]
JUDGE: Pizzoca, for God’s
sake, what on earth are you up to now? Why are you hitting that poor man?
PIZZOCCA: For sure he's the
murderer... He's come to kill the girl, so’s she can't turn up as a witness at the
trial, and he wants to bribe you with money...
She hands him the money and
aims another blow at the man, but it ends up hitting the JUDGE's foot.
JUDGE: Ouuuch!
PIZZOCCA: Sorry, Master, I
was getting carried away! Look, and he's got a bautta mask!
JUDGE: Cardinal, is that
you?
PIZZOCCA is alarmed, and moves away.
CARDINAL: Get me out of the
hands of that lunatic before she kills me!
JUDGE: Get out of here,
you stupid woman! And get that girl out of here too!
The two SERVING GIRLS re-enter,
and help JACOBA off the stage.
JUDGE: Forgive me, your
Eminence... Get out, you halfwit! [PIZZOCCA exits, in a huff] Forgive
me... I suppose she meant well... [He points to the sideboard dresser]
There's some brandy, your Eminence, please do help yourself... I'll be back in
a minute...
Exit.
CARDINAL: Brandy, eh? Now
there's a treat... just what I was needing... [He picks up a bottle, removes
the stopper and sniffs the contents] Hmmm... excellent bouquet! [He
pours himself a glassful and tastes it] Excellent! Now, if only there was
something to get my teeth into... [He picks up the jar with the horse
droppings pickled in alcohol and sniffs it] Must be pickled faggots or
something... strange smell, though... [He takes out a piece, tastes it and
puts the jar back onto the table] Nice! Delicate!... Tastes like shite, in
fact, but then all the best foods have a touch of ripeness about them... [From
behind, one of the DEVILS snatches the morsel from the CARDINAL’s
hand. Having tried it, the DEVIL spits it out over the CARDINAL
in disgust] Where did it go? What was that? [This comment triggers a
series of gags between the CARDINAL and the two DEVILS, who make
objects appear and disappear from under his nose. They drink from his glass and
from the bottle, and steal out of his plate] Now where's the bottle gone?
It was here a moment ago. [A DEVIL places the bottle noisily back
onto the table. The CARDINAL turns round to look] It's back! [To
the bottle] Where did you go? You’re not supposed to go wandering off, you
know. [He goes to pour himself a drink, but the bottle is empty] You've
emptied yourself! I wonder if there’s another one... [He finds one on the
table] Oh well done, a full one! [He pours himself a drink, takes a
plate, puts a piece of horse dropping on it, sits at the table and begins to
eat] Let's eat, let's eat! Bon appetito! [One of the DEVILS
steals his morsel] Where did my meatball go?! [He moves the plate to his
right, and the DEVIL puts the horse dropping back on the plate] Ha!
Back again! My eyes seem to be playing up today... [He takes a bite out of
the horse dropping] Mmmm, this is exquisite!
He drinks contentedly.
ACT ONE
SCENE THIRTEEN
The JUDGE re-enters.
JUDGE: Ah. Glad to see
you've helped yourself. Good brandy, eh? Now tell me, if you don’t mind my
asking, what on earth put it into your head to come visiting me here, all
masked up like that?
CARDINAL: I have something
very important to tell you. But first of all, who was that girl on the table
there? I found her very... disturbing...
JUDGE: You found
her disturbing, your Excellence... Imagine how I felt.
CARDINAL: What d’you mean?
JUDGE: Not ten minutes
since, I found myself with that women in tears all over me...
CARDINAL: What d’you mean,
“all over you”...?
JUDGE: I mean with her
breasts half bared, and clinging to me, and breathing warmth and fragrance all
over me, and holding me like she would never let me go...
CARDINAL: [He pulls out a
handkerchief and mops his brow] And then? What happened then?
JUDGE: I felt these hot,
seething passions rising up inside me.
CARDINAL: And then what?
JUDGE: Then nothing.
CARDINAL: Nothing?
JUDGE: Not exactly
nothing. Sennapods.
CARDINAL: Sennapods?!
JUDGE: Yes, because a man
must protect himself from the Devil’s works. The Devil may tempt me, but I am
prepared! [He shows him a small bottle, takes a pill from it, and waves it
under the CARDINAL’s nose] Six at a time!
CARDINAL: But you’ll blow your
insides out with a dose like that!
JUDGE: Exactly! Every time
this demon passion of mine begins to rise, straight away I swallow a handful of
these, and they have me rushing to the toilet, and that way I’m saved from the
Devil.
CARDINAL: Seems a terrible
waste... I mean, a shame... I suppose that’s what drove the poor girl to poison
herself. There she was, offering herself to you, and the best you can manage is
to run off and lock yourself in the crapper.
JUDGE: No. The swallowing
of the poison was for a quite other reason. Which I am not yet in a position to
reveal to you. [Two GUARDS enter through the main door] What do
you want?
FIRST GUARD: We are here to
accompany you to his Excellency the Duke.
Enter the SERVING GIRLS.
JUDGE: Oh yes, I'd
forgotten about that. And we're late too.
CARDINAL: I've been invited as
well.
JUDGE: Let's get out now,
before the front of the palace comes down on our heads.
As the backdrop for the facade
of the palace drops down, the JUDGE and the CARDINAL move to the
front of the stage, followed by the two GUARDS, who help them to put on
their respective cloaks. The DEVILS watch the scene, spying through the
centre door.
JUDGE: But to get back to
what we were talking about... why did you arrive here wearing a mask?
CARDINAL: I had to come in
secret. To give you a piece of advice.
JUDGE: What advice?
CARDINAL: Bear in mind that I
am taking a risk here, and it is only because I hold you in the greatest
regard...
JUDGE: I thank you for
that, but I repeat, what advice?
CARDINAL: Let’s start with the
business of the cannon shots, which came close to leaving you like Bolognese
sauce.
JUDGE: So you heard about
that? If you happen to know the gunner, convey my compliments to the man... he
has a terrific aim.
CARDINAL: Don't joke about it.
It was a warning to you.
JUDGE: And what comes
after the warning?
CARDINAL: The warning says:
stop following that gang of crazies who go round after Brother Michele da
Lentini. And stop going up onto your balcony and waving to these fanatics, it
only encourages them.
JUDGE: And why do you call
them fanatics?
CARDINAL: Please, don’t play
the innocent with me! Haven’t you heard the way they preach against the Church
and the gentry?
JUDGE: But they’re just
being satirical; anyway, some of what they say is pretty spot-on.
CARDINAL: Spot-on, you say?
Like the stuff comparing the Church of Rome with Sodom and Gomorrah?
JUDGE: That was just a
figure of speech.
CARDINAL: And I suppose when
they talk about burning all paintings with naked women in, that was a figure of
speech too? And perhaps it is reasonable to suspect that people who begin by
burning naked women end up burning cathedrals and suchlike...
JUDGE: Aha! So now we know
the rogues we should be arresting! Heretics and idiots, they always come in
useful, don’t they! But you gentlemen should be careful not to end up like the
lion when he overloaded the ass.
CARDINAL: Overloading the
ass... What are you talking about?
JUDGE: It's an ancient
Greek fable. Would you like to hear?
CARDINAL: Why not, why not...
JUDGE: Right. Here we go. Mia
fora’ kai ena kairo, enas meghalos leona...
CARDINAL: [Interrupting]
Wait a minute – you’re surely not telling it in Greek?
JUDGE: Of course. It's a
lot funnier in the original.
CARDINAL: If you don't mind,
I'd be just as happy in the common tongue.
JUDGE: I couldn't possibly
tell it in the vulgar tongue wearing fancy robes like this.
The GUARDS remove his
cloak.
CARDINAL: [Removing his own
cloak, with the assistance of the SERVING GIRLS] Me too. Out of solidarity.
JUDGE: Well anyway, one
year, as every year, all the beasts of the valley were invited up to the
sanctuary on the top of the mountain for the blessing of the animals. The lion
chose the donkey as his travelling companion, because he thought: "This
journey is going to be long and wearisome, and when the going starts to get
steep I can get up on the donkey's back. He can carry me. And then, if I happen
to get hungry, I can eat him too!" So he suggests to the donkey that they
travel together, and the donkey agrees. But the donkey proposes a deal:
"We'll take turns in carrying each other. Alright? Two miles each."
So off they go. When the road starts to get steeper, up speaks the lion:
"Time for me to get up on your back!" "Alright, up you
go...?" And with a leap the lion is up there on the donkey's back.
"Hey, go easy with those claws sticking into my ribs," says the
donkey. "You scratch me like that and I bleed to death!" "I
can't help it. I have to hold on as best I can! Giddy-up! Giddy-up! Away you
go!" So the donkey reaches the top of the mountain, and by this time he's
got blood pouring down from his scratches. "Well," he says, "now
at least for the journey down it's my turn to ride on your back!"
"True enough, fair's fair," says the lion. "You did the work on
the way up, I do it on the way down. Away you go!" And the donkey jumps up
onto the lion's back... But he has a terrible time keeping his balance. He
slithers here and there, because he's got hooves, you see, and he can't get a
proper grip. Then all of a sudden our donkey jockey has an idea – a thrust of
his loins, stiff as a ramrod, and straight up the lion’s backside. Held in
place. Good and solid. "Hey, ho, ouch!" shouts the lion. "What
is that blooming great truncheon that you've stuck up my rear?" Forgive
me, your majesty...” says the donkey. “I can’t help it – each of us has to hold
on as best he can! Giddy-up! Giddy-up! Away you go!"
SONG: Giddy-up, giddy-up, giddy-up
and away you go, and don't even stop.
Giddy-up, giddy-up, giddy-up, and go
and imagine that you’re flying.
The two SERVING GIRLS and
the two GUARDS help the JUDGE and CARDINAL with their
cloaks and hats. Singing and dancing, and followed by the DEVILS, they
all exit
MUSICAL INTERLUDE
ACT ONE
SCENE FOURTEEN
The canvas traverse depicting
the front of the palace is raised and we find ourselves in the JUDGE's bedroom.
It has a large canopied bed on the right and a chest of drawers with a mirror
on the left. On the left there is also a fireplace with a large hooded
chimneypiece. At the back of the stage stands a large picture frame on wheels,
its bottom edge just clear of the ground. Also a low table and two chairs.
Draped across a chair are two gowns of identical colour (the ones which the JUDGE
wears during trials) and a hat to accompany each of them.
Enter PIZZOCCA, in a
night-dress, holding a lighted candle, and wrapped in a large shawl.
PIZZOCCA: Ye gods, it’s
freezing in here! [She sneezes violently. She looks at the empty bed]
And his honour’s not back yet! What time is it?! [A bell sounds the hour
with four strokes] Four o'clock already... Where can the blessed man be?
He's never been this late before! [She puts the candle on one of the chairs
and goes to the fireplace] I don't believe it, the fire's out again! [She
tries to light it, using bellows to get the flames going. A cloud of smoke
billows out of the chimney, right in her face, and makes her sneeze]
Atchoo! Oh to hell with it. Damned chimney, won't draw! I bet he went for a
natter with the Duke after the theatre! [She sneezes] Atchoo! Oh bother,
I'm all shivers! My teeth are chattering with the cold! [She picks up one of
the JUDGE's two gowns, and puts it on] I'll keep this on for a bit.
That ought to warm me up... You know, I like dressing up as a judge. If I was
born again, I'd be a judge, and I'd put all the big bad wrongdoers on the
bonfire! And the lawyers who defend them too! To the stake with the lot of
them! Let’s have the hat too... [PIZZOCCA takes the JUDGE's hat and
puts it on her head] I'll get into bed... That way, when his Honour comes
back he'll find it nice and warm, and that way I get a nap too.
She lies down, draws the
curtains of the bed, and goes to sleep.
ACT ONE
SCENE FIFTEEN
FRANCIPANTE, the master Devil, enters via the
chimney-piece, followed by BARLOCCO. As they shake the soot off them,
they both sneeze. PIZZOCCA sneezes too, in her sleep. We have a brief
concert of sneezes.
BARLOCCO: Maestro, why is it
that, every time, out of all the ways in... Atchoo... we have to pick the...
Atchoo... dirtiest?
FRANCIPANTE: Oh do stop moaning...
Atchoo...
PIZZOCCA: Atchoo!
The violence of PIZZOCCA’s sneeze
makes BARLOCCO jump.
FRANCIPANTE: Look, see, he’s
back... [He pulls aside the canopy of the bed] All tucked up in
beddy-byes.
PIZZOCCA: [Sneezing in
turn] Takes his job a bit seriously, doesn’t he – going to bed in his
ceremonial robes!
FRANCIPANTE: Shush, I told
you... you’ll wake him! Right, are you ready? Your big moment has come!
BARLOCCO: To be honest,
Maestro, I'm a bit nervous...
FRANCIPANTE: Calm
down. Relax.
Now, sit here, because I've got to get you down to the right size.
BARLOCCO: Eh? Won't I do the
way I am?
FRANCIPANTE: You’re joking! That
big you'd be a suppository for an elephant! No, I need to make you smaller...
Turn you teeny-weeny. [He gets BARLOCCO to squat down. Then, like a
magician, he pulls a cloth out of his bag and waves it in the air] Are you
ready? Now just relax.
He holds the cloth in front of BARLOCCO in order
to hide him from the audience, and chants a spell.
Eeeny-meeny-miney-mo,
With a teeny-weeny, hey prest-O!
There you are! [He whips away the cloth. BARLOCCO
has not disappeared. Addressing the audience:] Oh damn! I can never get
that wretched spell to work! [To BARLOCCO] I told you, you’ve got to be
calm and relaxed, otherwise the spell won't work!
He places the cloth in front of BARLOCCO
again, and repeats the spell.
Eeeny-meeny-miney-mo,
With a teeny-weent, hey prest-O!
Again he removes the cloth. This time BARLOCCO
has disappeared. In his place we see a tiny moving puppet, a perfect model of
him] Barlocco, where are you?
BARLOCCO: I'm here!
FRANCIPANTE: [Deliriously
happy] It worked! It worked! Ha, ha!
BARLOCCO: Oh God, what's
happened?! You've reduced me to a midget!
FRANCIPANTE: Ha, you look
brilliant, all little like that.
BARLOCCO: [Shouting] A
mirror! A mirror so’s I can see myself!
FRANCIPANTE: No point. You know
devils can't be reflected in mirrors. You're perfect! Now, before you take
possession of this body [He points to where PIZZOCCA is lying] I
need to give you a little something for your journey.
He hands him a tiny watch with
a little chain attached.
BARLOCCO: [He takes the
watch] What is it?
FRANCIPANTE: It's a wind-up
watch... dummy!
BARLOCCO: I've never seen one
that small.
FRANCIPANTE: It's a
masterpiece... It strikes the hour, and it plays tunes too. Listen!
The watch chimes a jolly tune.
The PUPPET
does a few dance steps.]
BARLOCCO: That’s wonderful,
Maestro!
FRANCIPANTE: Now get ready. And
remember, every time the clock chimes, you gain power and total possession of
this person's body. But when it strikes again... at that very moment you stop,
you fall asleep, you go into a kind of hibernation. And at the same time the
Judge regains possession of his body and his faculties.
BARLOCCO: Why would he want
to do that?
FRANCIPANTE: For the simple fact
that you can't just move in and take him over lock, stock and barrel. You need
to take it one step at a time... Otherwise he goes mad, and his brain explodes
like a melon!
BARLOCCO: I
understand...
FRANCIPANTE:
Good! Now,
concentrate... [He picks up the BARLOCCO puppet and slips him under
the sheet] Take a good deep breath, get your head down, find the hole and
get stuck in, boy! Good luck!
BARLOCCO: Ooo-er – it's dark,
Maestro... I can't see a thing in here!
FRANCIPANTE: Just take the
plunge!
BARLOCCO: Ooo... aah... I
can't breathe...
PIZZOCCA: [Leaping about
and waving her legs, she shouts:] Huh... huh... What's happening?! Help! Oh
mamma, the Turks, the Turks...!!!
FRANCIPANTE: You're in there,
son! Congratulations!
He pulls the curtains of the
bed across, and, sniggering, exits via the fireplace.
ACT ONE
SCENE SIXTEEN
We are still in the JUDGE’s bedroom.
Noises off. A door flies open. Enter two GUARDS, supporting the JUDGE,
who is visibly drunk.
JUDGE: Leave me... I can
stand up on my own...
FIRST GUARD: Your Honour, be
careful... That's the third time you've... fallen over... on your own!
SECOND GUARD: You should watch
out, your Honour, you're extremely drunk!
JUDGE: Take note, young
man, that only peasants and poor people get drunk... Gentlemen and people of
learning become spiritually inebriated. Leave me, I said! I can manage
perfectly well...
The JUDGE takes hold
of the frame of the big picture. The GUARDS try to stop it falling over.
With one rip, he ends up with the picture in his hands. The JUDGE moves
round the stage, supported only by the picture frame on wheels. He thinks that
it's a mirror.
JUDGE: I really must have
imbibed too much of those spiritual spirits... I warned the Duke that I’m not a
drinker. “Oh no, just a glass or two, won’t do you any harm.” And now I don’t
know if I’m coming or going...
He is about to remove his
cloak.
SECOND GUARD: Be careful taking
your cloak off, your Honour... It's very cold in this room...
JUDGE: Away with this
robe... makes me look like an imperial peacock!
He removes his robe.
FIRST GUARD: [He helps him
put on the gown which is on the chair; it is identical to the one that PIZZOCCA
is wearing] At least put this robe on... because the fire's gone out!
JUDGE: And why didn't
Pizzocca keep it going?
SECOND GUARD: I’ve no idea.
JUDGE: Where is she?
Where’s the wretch hiding? [He wobbles] Go and find her at once! [He
wobbles again] Oh, my head's spinning!
SECOND GUARD: I'll go and look
for her now.
He exits.
JUDGE: If she's asleep,
wake her up! [To the audience] Who are you? Ballooners?!*
What a lot of drunk people! Lord, it's an invasion of drunks!
Re-enter the SECOND GUARD.
JUDGE: That was quick!
SECOND GUARD: She’s nowhere to be
found, your Honour, not even in her room.
JUDGE: She must have gone
out looking for me.
SECOND GUARD: Could be, sir...
JUDGE: So what are you
doing, just standing there? Go out and find her.
FIRST GUARD: Yes, your Honour,
at once, your Honour... But are you sure that...?
JUDGE: Shut up and go! [The
two GUARDS head determinedly for the fireplace] No, not through the
fireplace!
GUARDS: [In unison]
Yes, your Honour!
JUDGE: Through the door!
GUARDS: Sir!
The GUARDS exit. We
hear a great crash.
FIRST GUARD: [Re-entering]
It was shut!
He exits.
JUDGE: Presumably explains
why soldiers always wear helmets! Oof, I'm going to bed... [He pulls aside
the canopy, only to discover PIZZOCCA lying there, wearing his clothes
and his hat] Oh dear! I'm already in bed! So how do I go to bed now? God,
I'm the image of myself! [In desperation] I never imagined that getting
drunk would mean there’s be two of me! That's it, I swear I'll never touch
another drop! [At this moment the clock in PIZZOCCA's belly chimes]
And where's that strange sound coming from...? Oh dear, I must be hearing
things!
BARLOCCO-PIZZOCCA gets up and stands on the
bed. She starts moving her belly and hips in time with the chimes.
BARLOCCO-PIZZOCCA: [Speaking with
the voice of BARLOCCO] [Note 4] What's happening...? Where am I...? [She
gets off the bed, and finds herself in front of the picture-frame-cum-mirror,
behind which the JUDGE stands, looking at her dumbfoundedly] How can
this be...?! I'm inside the Judge, but at the same time I'm outside?! And how
come I can see myself in the mirror...? I thought devils couldn’t do that. It
must be because I’m in a new body.
JUDGE: Who on earth are
you?!
BARLOCCO-PIZZOCCA: I can't see you
very well...
Using one edge of their robes,
both actors mime polishing the non-existent glass between them. Their movements
are precisely synchronised.
JUDGE: A devil of a job,
polishing these mirrors! But who are you?! [He goes to take the candle which
PIZZOCCA had placed on the fireplace. He makes a lunge at BARLOCCO-PIZZOCCA,
but bangs his head on the imaginary mirror] Oouch...! The mirror...! I
thought theatre was supposed to be imaginary!
BARLOCCO-PIZZOCCA: What are you doing?
You're supposed to move your arms in time with me...! You're my reflection! Get in time, you uncoordinated ape-face!
JUDGE: Who are you calling
ape-face?! [Once again he launches towards BARLOCCO-PIZZOCCA, and
bangs his head on the imaginary mirror] Who are you? [He raises the
candlestick to illuminate BARLOCCO-PIZZOCCA's face] Ah, now I see
you, you wretch?! But what on earth are you up to, with my robe, and my hat?!
BARLOCCO-PIZZOCCA: [Amazed] My
reflection even talks of its own account?!
JUDGE: And why are you
talking like that... With a man’s voice...
BARLOCCO-PIZZOCCA: What d’you expect?
JUDGE: You must be drunk
too!
He goes towards BARLOCCO-PIZZOCCA.
BARLOCCO-PIZZOCCA: What on earth are
you doing? Reflections aren’t supposed to come out of mirrors!
Very agitated, BARLOCCO-PIZZOCCA
attempts to snatch the candlestick from the JUDGE and jostles him.
JUDGE: Get your hands off
me, and take my robe off!
Finally BARLOCCO-PIZZOCCA
succeeds in taking the candlestick from him, and whacks him violently over the
head. The JUDGE passes out, and sprawls across the bed.
BARLOCCO-PIZZOCCA: That'll teach you!
Reflections should know their place! [He puts down the candlestick and feels
his body] Sacripante...! What on earth have I turned into? What's happened
to me?! I've got a horrible feeling something’s gone terribly wrong! [Shouting
towards the fireplace] Francipante...! Maestro, help! What's happened? Come
here! Help!
He disappears from the room for
a moment, in search of FRANCIPANTE.
ACT ONE
SCENE SEVENTEEN
FRANCIPANTE comes tumbling down the chimney.
He leaps through the frame of the non-existent mirror and moves it to the back
of the stage.
FRANCIPANTE: I'm here! What’s
the problem? Where are you?
BARLOCCO-PIZZOCCA: I’m here. [So
saying, she removes her robe] In this body... Actually, to tell the truth,
I don't know where I am!
FRANCIPANTE:
You idiot! You've gone and stuck yourself in the body of Pizzocca, his monkey-faced
housekeeper! You were supposed to go up the Judge, you fool!
BARLOCCO-PIZZOCA: Oh no... [She
feels her face, breasts and thighs, and when she reaches her sex she shrieks:]
It's true! I'm in a woman!! I've been switched! Waaah – how did that happen?
You were there... you saw me... I went up the Judge!
FRANCIPANTE: Well, will you look
at this disastrous idiot, who goes up people's backsides like he's blind, or
something!
BARLOCCO-PIZZOCCA: You’ve got to
rescue me! Get me out of this big turkey... Please...!
FRANCIPANTE: No can do, son! You
know the laws of the Nether Regions. "Any devil taking possession of the
body of a Christian has to stay there until he has completed his mission."
So you’re going to have to stay with her. Change of plan. You reshape this lump
of female from the inside. Like she’s pizza-dough. You got that?
BARLOCCO-PIZZOCCA: Yes, Maestro.
Change her from the inside. Change her into what, though?
FRANCIPANTE: Your job is no
different to what it was. You're going to have to ruin this Judge. Corrupt him.
Make him fall passionately in love with you!
BARLOCCO-PIZZOCCA: But I don't know
how to make people fall in love!
FRANCIPANTE: Improvise! Turn her
into a brawling strumpet. Teach her how to walk with a wiggle and a wave. But
first of all, learn to talk like a woman, not with that voice of a drunken ox.
Repeat after me: "I will become a sensual female!"
BARLOCCO-PIZZOCCA: “I will become a
sensual female!"
FRANCIPANTE: Can’t we have it a
bit more... luscious?
BARLOCCO-PIZZOCCA: I shall become a
terribly talented female...
FRANCIPANTE: Well done!
Bravo...! Try again! A bit more of the femme
fatale...
BARLOCCO-PIZZOCCA: [Beginning with
a guttural voice, gradually she improves, until in the end she's speaking with PIZZOCCA's
normal voice] I shall become a wicked, wicked temptress... Oh so languid...
[Increasingly convinced of herself] And I shall make this Judge drunk
with passion, make him mad with love. From this wrinkled old prune of a body I
shall create a queen of lust!
FRANCIPANTE: Bravo – just carry
on like that! Right. Now I’m afraid I have to leave you, Barlocco. I have
another job to attend to...
BARLOCCO-PIZZOCCA: Oh no, don’t leave me, Maestro! Help! Who’s going to help me
now?
FRANCIPANTE: You're on you own
now, boy! Goodbye... And good luck!
Exit FRANCIPANTE.
BARLOCCO-PIZZOCCA: Alas, poor me, poor
innocent Devil, left all alone in this wicked world! [At this moment the
watch chimes sound in his belly] Oh dear, oh no, the bells, it's time for
the personality change... I'm feeling terribly sleepy!
BARLOCCO-PIZZOCCA moves her body
convulsively, gives a little twitch, goes rigid and passes out on the bed, next
to the JUDGE, who is still out for the count.
ACT ONE
SCENE EIGHTEEN
Enter FRANCIPANTE,
accompanied by SHE-DEVILS and HE-DEVILS.
FRANCIPANTE: Oh look, now, isn’t
that sweet! Barlocco’s off to sleep and Pizzocca’s in charge of herself again.
Look at the two of them. Like peas in a pod. Haha! Come to think of it, we
could have a bit of fun, here. Why don’t we improvise a bit? Rearrange them a
bit? Lying like that, they could almost be lovers... Except that they’ve got
too many clothes on.
So saying, FRANCIPANTE and
the DEVILS sing and dance, and quickly undress both the JUDGE and
PIZZOCCA.They move them as if they are puppets, throwing their clothes
in the air. They mark the rhythm by stamping and clapping, and letting out
strange shouts. The whole scene becomes a kind of “tammurriata”. [Note 5]
You must be all naked!
As your mother made you.
All naked you must be!
To be naked is not a sin.
Take it off, remove it!
Take it off, remove it!
That blouse.
That petticoat.
And that bodice, hat and hood,
Trousers and cloak,
Culottes and corset,
Ahiha!
Take them off! Undo...
All naked you must be!
Aaahaaa!
A general cackling and
sniggering of DEVILS. The DEVILS contrive to re-arrange the JUDGE and
PIZZOCCA into an embrace, with their arms and legs wrapped round each
other. They cover them with the sheet. Then they close the curtains of the bed.
They pick up the clothes from the floor, and then, still singing and leaping
about, they exit.
ACT ONE
SCENE NINETEEN
The two GUARDS re-enter
by the main door. They peer round looking for the JUDGE.
FIRST GUARD: [In a hushed
voice] Hello... Your Honour... We couldn't find Pizzocca...
SECOND GUARD: Maybe he's in bed
already... Gone to sleep. [They pull aside the canopy of the bed, and are
amazed at what they see] Oh my God! Look, it’s Pizzocca, all lovey-dovey
with his nibs!
FIRST GUARD: Maybe it’s true
what they say – rub two old sticks together and you get fire!
SECOND GUARD: Look at them all wrapped
up in each other!
Enter the CARDINAL, through
the door, which was left open. Behind the CARDINAL enter a couple of DEVILS,
who amuse themselves doing silly tricks during the dialogue.
CARDINAL: May I come in?
The two GUARDS swiftly
close the curtains of the bed and rush to the door, pulling out their swords.
FIRST GUARD: Halt, who goes
there!
CARDINAL: [He backs off,
and pulls back his cloak to reveal his religious habit] Don't be alarmed!
Put up your weapons, I am Cardinal Ambone!
FIRST GUARD: Oh, forgive me,
your Eminence...
SECOND GUARD: [With a slight
bow] At your service, sir!
CARDINAL: I've come hurrying
over to find out about the Judge... I gather he was a bit drunk, coming back
from the Duke’s...
SECOND GUARD: Could say that,
your Eminence... Fell off his horse...
Rolled down into a ditch.
CARDINAL: And was he badly
hurt?
SECOND GUARD: I don't think so...
In fact... could say he was up and riding again pretty quickly. Look.
He pulls aside the curtains to
reveal the two of them in bed.
CARDINAL: Oh Lord God, look at
that! Not with his creepy old housekeeper?!
SECOND GUARD: Maybe he uses her
for a hot water bottle?
CARDINAL: He must be pretty
desperate... Depraved, I’d call it.
[He lifts one edge of the sheet and peers
under with morbid curiosity.
The FIRST GUARD pulls
across a chair and offers it to the JUDGE]
SECOND GUARD: Do sit down, your
Eminence.
[The CARDINAL goes to sit down, still
holding up the edge of the sheet. One of the DEVILS snatches the chair
away from under him and scampers off with it. The CARDINAL goes down
with a tumble, and takes the two GUARDS with him. All three contrive to
end up under the sheet, which covers them completely. The noise of all this
wakes the JUDGE. He sits up in bed and suddenly realises that he is
holding PIZZOCCA in his arms]
JUDGE: Eh? What's this?!
Pizzocca! What on earth are you doing in my bed?!
PIZZOCCA: Er... Are you ready
for lunch, sir?
CARDINAL: [Peering out from
under the sheet] Please be understanding... It's a spectacle that doesn't
happen every day!
JUDGE: Cardinal Ambone!
What on earth are you doing in my bed? Have you been there long?
CARDINAL: No, I arrived just a
moment ago... Unfortunately!
JUDGE: Oh, please... I
know what you must be thinking. But it’s not like that!
CARDINAL: I'm sure it’s not!
JUDGE: And who's that
under the sheet with you?
GUARDS: [Peering out
from under the sheet. In unison:] We just hapened to be passing!
JUDGE: Pizzocca, I think
you owe us an explanation.
PIZZOCCA: Oh, your Honour...
I don't know what's come over me! Oh God... I've got no clothes on!
She snatches the sheet to her.
.
JUDGE: And I've got no
clothes on either!! [He does the same] Oh, the shame of it! Your
Eminence... I have to admit, I was drunk!
FIRST AND SECOND GUARDS: [In unison]
Yes, we can vouch for that. He was drunk!
JUDGE: And I have my
suspicions that you were drunk too, Pizzocca... On account of you were speaking
with the voice of a man.
PIZZOCCA: Me, with the voice
of a man?! But I couldn't... I am a lady!
JUDGE: Oh Lord, this is
scandalous! You mustn’t let word of this get around!
GUARDS: [Ponderously]
No, we won't say a word to anyone!
CARDINAL: You need have no
fear... No one will ever know. Because this is a country where people mind
their own business.
Lively musical interlude, which
fades into the next scene.
ACT TWO
SCENE ONE
On a barely-lit stage, we see
flickering candlelight and swinging incense burners. As the lights come up, we
see a kind of holy man. This is FATHER MIRONE. He is performing a massage on
a GIRL afflicted with a hysterical crisis.
Enter PIZZOCCA. She
gestures vigorously to FATHER MIRONE.
PIZZOCCA: Father Mirone,
quick, I need you! You’re the only one I can talk to.
FATHER MIRONE: You’ll have to
wait... I have a problem with this girl. She’s hysterical.
PIZZOCCA: I can assure you,
I'm more hysterical than her... I'm about to burst!
FATHER MIRONE: [He continues
massaging the GIRL] What's happened, what's the matter?
PIZZOCCA: Somebody's put the
evil eye on me!
MIRONE: Evil eye? Oh
dear... Very nasty... Tell me more!
PIZZOCCA: I found myself in
bed... with the Judge... Imagine it... Naked! I did have a hat on, though!
MIRONE: Well hallelujah!
PIZZOCCA: And he was naked
too... No clothes... And no hat, either!
A few YOUNG MEN AND WOMEN
filter on from back-stage. MIRONE leaves the HYSTERICAL GIRL to
their attentions. As the dialogue continues, they continue the massage.
MIRONE: [He changes tone]
But were you making love?
PIZZOCCA: I don't know... I
was asleep.
MIRONE: Shame!
PIZZOCCA: Under the sheet
there was me, the Judge, two guards, and the Cardinal!
MIRONE: Fascinating! Do
tell. What were you all doing?
The HYSTERICAL GIRL is
unobtrusively ushered off-stage. As the dialogue continues, the CHORUS gathers
around MIRONE and PIZZOCCA .
MIRONE: A man's voice! You?
PIZZOCCA: Yes... in
Neapolitan! I've never even been to Naples! [Note 6]
MIRONE: In Neapolitan?!
PIZZOCCA: No, it's true. I
actually heard myself. Talking in Neapolitan, and with a man's voice...
MIRONE: I don’t believe it!
When did this happen?
PIZZOCCA: I was just ringing
a little bell. Like this... [She pulls from her pocket a small ritual bell]
I was calling his Honour the Judge down for lunch... Like so.
She rings the bell, and we hear
the voice of a sleepy BARLOCCO from inside PIZZOCCA.
BARLOCCO-PIZZOCCA: Oh no... don't
start waking me with that wretched bell again!
PIZZOCCA returns to speaking in her own
voice.
PIZZOCCA: You hear that? A
voice in my belly! D’you think I’ve been possessed by the devil?
MIRONE: Are you out of your
mind? Don’t even think it... In times like these, they'll have you straight on
the bonfire. Burned at the stake. Roasted! Without even peeling you first!
PIZZOCCA: Yes, I mean to
say... But something worse has happened... I haven't even told you the worst...
MIRONE: And what would this
worst be?
PIZZOCCA: I'll die of shame!
MIRONE: Forget the shame,
just tell me. [He changes tone. Severely] Have you ended up pregnant?
PIZZOCCA: Worse! I've
sprouted tits!
The CHORUS move in
and form a circle round the two in order to facilitate the gag of inflating her
breasts. They seem both shocked and amused.
MIRONE: Tits, now? At your
age!
PIZZOCCA: Yes!
MIRONE: Why, didn't you get
tits when you were a girl?
PIZZOCCA: Yes, but they were
small... Squashed... They went in instead of out. But now they're growing like
crazy...! Look! Look, right now... Aaargh! My tits are swelling! [She begins
undoing her bodice. Realising that nothing is happening, she stops, and repeats
the line more loudly] My tits are swelling! [A second's wait, and then,
in the previous tone] My tits are not swelling! [She turns to a GIRL
behind her, and steps out of character] What's happening?
GIRL FROM THE CHORUS: [Whispering]
I can't find the tube!
PIZZOCCA: You can't find the
tube...? [Her breasts suddenly begin to inflate] My breasts are...
swelling!
She undoes her bodice to reveal
two breasts, swelling visibly.
MIRONE: Oof... Miraculous
melons!
CHORUS: Gloria in excelsis
deo!
Two members of the CHORUS sound a
fanfare from two trumpets.
MIRONE: And you're not
happy?!
PIZZOCCA: But it's terrible,
Father! I feel as if I've got someone under me, pumping me up. Look: they move!
And when somebody comes in the room,
they turn round and look. I've got inquisitive tits! And d'you know what's even
more strange?
MIRONE: What?
PIZZOCCA: I'm getting round
bits round the back too. Look!
She turns round and lifts up
her dress to reveal two visibly enlarged buttocks.
MIRONE: And are they
afflicted with curiosity too?
PIZZOCCA: [Looking alarmed]
Oh God... Now what's happening to me?
MIRONE: I tell you what,
this might help.
FATHER MIRONE summons a GIRL FROM THE
CHORUS. She places a small crown of flowers on PIZZOCCA‘s head.
PIZZOCCA: What’s that for?
MIRONE: Flowers. To ward
off the evil eye. Does that feel any better?
PIZZOCCA: No sir...! I'm
getting the shakes again!
MIRONE: What d'you mean,
"the shakes"?
PIZZOCCA: I've been getting
them for three days... It just takes me over... My legs, my knees, my sides, my
arms... they all start moving of their own accord... It's as if I’ve got
someone inside me moving me like a marionette... Look... My foot's tapping, my
foot, my foot [She moves one leg repeatedly] and the other foot, [As
above] and my arm... [She raises one arm, and in so doing she cuffs FATHER
MIRONE] And look at my belly [Her belly moves in time with her thighs.
Everyone on-stage begins to copy her, creating a musical rhythm] What is
all this? Oh, goodness, it's wonderful!
MIRONE: [He calls out to
his ACOLYTES] Here, everyone! It’s the tarantella! Come on, let’s dance!
One, two three..
The GIRLS OF THE CHORUS
put on shawls to cover their heads. A profusion of ribbons, leaves and flowers.
The dance begins. Everyone on stage takes part, and they may play percussion
instruments, wind instruments and viols. Fireworks go off. PIZZOCCA
dances wildly in their midst. In a half-turn towards the wings, she may be
substituted by a STAND-IN, who does double somersaults, one after the
other. Everyone sings.
SONG:
As the songs, shouting and
music continue, the lights dim as everyone falls to the ground, exhausted. In
the half-light they get up again and rearrange the stage for the Courthouse, in
full view of the audience.
ACT TWO
SCENE TWO
A trumpet sounds. The lights
come up. The public take their place in the Courtroom. A GUARD beats on
the floor with a long staff.
GUARD: Be upstanding for
the Judge!
Enter JUDGE DE TRISTANO,
followed by the INQUISITOR.
JUDGE: Let's begin! Call
the first witness.
GUARD: She is a woman,
your Honour. Her name is Jacoba Stareffa, and she says she was born in Crotone
in Calabria.
JUDGE: We know her well.
She comes of her own free will, so she has the right to testify from behind the
screen.
[The GIRL enters, behind a screen, but
emerges from behind it almost at once]
JACOBA: I don’t need that.
I have nothing to hide... I am a woman of virtue, not like you, Judge, who
promised not to haul me into the Courtroom, and now here I am!
JUDGE: I promised you on
condition that you would tell the truth, but you have lied to me.
JACOBA: What lie, your
Honour? I have given you visible proof... I have even bared my...
JUDGE: Your wounds... Yes,
we have already seen them...
INQUISITOR: And what might
these wounds be?
JACOBA: These breasts of
mine!
She makes as if to bare her
breast.
JUDGE: Cover yourself!
VOICE OF THE PEOPLE: [In chorus]
No, don’t cover yourself! We want to see the wounds too!
Enter the CARDINAL. He is
ushered to a seat by one of the GUARDS.
JUDGE: Silence, or I'll
have you thrown out! [To JACOBA] Jacoba Stareffa, you are a liar! For a
start, you swore to me that the Captain of the Guard was dead, killed in your
arms...
JACOBA: But it's true!
JUDGE: And you also told
me that his body was burned in the fire at the Cathedral...
JACOBA: And so it was!
JUDGE: Silence! Well
perhaps you can explain how, this very morning, the guards of this court found him, isn’t this strange, in Crotone,
in your home town, and very much alive and kicking!
CHORUS: Alive?!
JACOBA: Alive?! Have you
really found him? Oh no, that’s impossible! It's a lie, a trap, to trick me!
JUDGE: Silence, or I
really will trick you: into prison! Now, my girl, you're going to have to tell
me the truth, because anyway this Captain, this resurrected lover of yours, has
already told us everything we need to know. For instance, we now know that this
whole charade, from the stolen statue of St George, to your making love in the
sacristan's bed, right through to the alleged killing of the Captain, was an
elaborate trick, to divert our attention from the real nature of the
machinations behind the Cathedral fire.
INQUISITOR: Might one know more
about the nature of these machinations?
JUDGE: Since you ask, sir,
we are talking about the large profits which certain groups of people are going
to reap from the rebuilding of the Cathedral, which they deliberately arranged
to have set on fire!
INQUISITOR: Can you name names?
JUDGE: As of this moment,
I can reveal to you that the shameful confraternity of these criminals is to be
found among the city’s building contractors and in the person of the Archbishop
himself.
CHORUS: The Archbishop?
CARDINAL: [Rising to his
feet] Sir, you should be careful in your allegations.
JUDGE: We are familiar
with the old proverb, your Eminence: "Blaspheme against Christ," they
say, "and you will be forgiven. But accuse his Bishop, and you will be
hanged!"
A murmuring among the BYSTANDERS in the
Court.
CARDINAL: Listen to him, the
blasphemer!
JUDGE: I am risking my
neck here, but before you succeed in silencing me, I'll give you something to
think about! In the evidence that I have sent to the Grand Council, I show how
the leading lights of this city have been sitting down at a feast. The banks
served the portions, and you, your Eminence, were the cook!
VOICE AMONG THE PUBLIC: He's very brave!
VOICE AMONG THE PUBLIC: If you ask me, he's
done for!
VOICE AMONG THE PUBLIC: Nobody can save you
now!
CARDINAL: No! This is
unacceptable! This is a vile slander! What proof do you have? If it's all like
the fairy tale that you were telling, about the Captain of the Guard suddenly
coming back to life...
JUDGE: [To the GUARDS]
Very well... Bring in the Captain. [The two GUARDS lead the CAPTAIN
to the witness bench, closely guarded] Behold, the man!
JACOBA: Antonio...! My
sweet love, you are alive! Oh, life of mine! A miracle! Let me embrace you!
She rushes to embrace the CAPTAIN.
JUDGE: Alright, you can
spare us the play-acting.
WOMAN: Let me touch this
Lazarus!
GUARD: [Stopping the WOMAN
in her tracks] Go back to your place!
SECOND GUARD: [To JACOBA,
who is screaming and trying to free herself] Stop pushing!
The PRISONER takes
advantage of the kerfuffle to make his escape. He goes up the steps leading
into the wings.
JUDGE: Look out... He's
running up into the rafters!
VOICE OF A MAN: Catch him!
VOICE OF A WOMAN: Where can he go,
though? That leads to the roof.
OTHER VOICE OF A MAN: If he gets up on
the roof, they’ll never catch him.
A GUARD points an arquebus up
at the skylight.
JUDGE: No, don't shoot!
He's the only witness I have!
VOICE FROM THE AUDIENCE: Look, he's walking
on the beams!
GUARD: Stay where you are!
The GUARD fires at
the fugitive CAPTAIN. From the skylight we hear a scream, then the CAPTAIN
falls from above and crashes to the ground with a thud. Obviously this is a
puppet dressed to look like the CAPTAIN.
JUDGE: Damn you, you've
taken away my only evidence!
GUARD: I only wanted to
give him a warning, to stop...
JUDGE: Well, you stopped
him a bit too damn much... Completely, in fact!
The GUARDS lift the CAPTAIN
and carry him off stage, among the mourning laments of JACOBA and other WOMEN
following the corpse.
CHORUS: [Singing]
My son, my breath...
My son, my breath...
You left me!
My breath...
My breath... My breath...
JACOBA: Aaaah... Murderers!
You killed him on purpose...! Oh, the pain...!
ACT TWO
SCENE THREE
The BYSTANDERS come back into
the courtroom.
INQUISITOR: [In
stentorian voice] Silence! I demand that the proceedings be adjourned, in order
that we can all recover from the shock of this incident, and also evaluate the
very serious allegations that Judge De Tristano has advanced.
FIRST WOMAN: Who is that
man?
OTHER WOMAN: The head of the
Inquisition!
CARDINAL: Just a moment... I
don't see any reason for adjourning... I and my office have been cast under the
gravest of accusations by the lies of this hypocritical Judge, who masquerades
as a saintly man, free of all corruption, yet has been found naked and in
flagrante fornicating with his serving woman, before the very eyes of his
guards... [A murmuring among the CROWD] ...who has other lovers all over
the place, and who has even violated one of the witnesses!
CHORUS: No!
JUDGE: And who is this
witness that I'm supposed to have violated?
CARDINAL: This young girl who
now stands before you...
THE PUBLIC: [These lines are
spoken in unison]
Can it be true?
It wouldn’t surprise me!
I always suspected something. reckon he's the
one!
The usual filth!
Where will it ever stop?
Re-enter JACOBA, like a
fury.
JACOBA: Oh no! Don’t think
you’re going to get away with this... You have killed my man... And now I'm
going to give you the names of those who paid me to go to the Judge and show
him my breasts in order to ensnare him!
CHORUS: Well said! That’s
it... You tell ‘em, girl!
JUDGE: Oh Lord, I thank
you, for giving me a new witness to my advantage!
All the audience in the
Courtroom surround the GIRL and hide her from the view of the audience.
FIRST WOMAN: Tell us, say what
you know!
OTHER WOMAN: Bravo! Speak out,
girl!
GUARD: [Calling out]
Your Honour, this girl has lost her head!
INQUISITOR: In what sense has
she lost it?
FIRST WOMAN: Lost her head
through love...
JUDGE: No. Through the
knife! [From among the crowd, FRANCIPANTE tosses JACOBA's head
to the JUDGE. At that same instant, the circle around the GIRL
opens; we see the body of the woman, beheaded. The PUBLIC scream in
horror. The JUDGE displays the head of the decapitated WOMAN in
his hands, which is obviously a dummy head made up to look like JACOBA]
It's true, Justice, like Fortune, is blind... But when it comes to chopping the
heads off inconvenient witnesses, it sees, and it sees very well!
Blackout. The traverse
depicting the Judge's palace is lowered.
ACT TWO
SCENE FOUR
Lights come up. Enter FRANCIPANTE.
FRANCIPANTE: [To the wings]
Barlocco, hurry up! This is the moment. This is where you seduce the Judge...
Hey, you look gorgeous! He’ll be putty in your hands!
Enter BARLOCCO-PIZZOCCA,
wearing an elegant bodice and lace bloomers. She wears a dazzling blonde wig.
BARLOCCO-PIZZOCCA: I have to tell you,
I feel like a Carnival queen!
FRANCIPANTE: I told you, you're
magnificent!
Enter two SHE-DEVILS with a
gown, which they put on BARLOCCO. Around his shoulders they place a long
silk shawl, and then they put a fan in his hands.
FRANCIPANTE: Ladies and
gentlemen, behold the marvel! The caterpillar transforms into a butterfly! But
Barlocco, mind that you don't go becoming a woman for real! Because, don't
forget, we devils can only play-act languors and sighs. If we do it for real,
we’re cursed for all eternity. Take this fan, and wave it – not too much wind,
though!
BARLOCCO-PIZZOCCA: I really can't see
what’s the point of going through with this charade. This Judge is completely
done for anyway... They’ve completely discredited him... they've even chopped
the heads off his witnesses... why are we even bothering?
FRANCIPANTE: You're right, he is
pretty well done for. But he's still got a lot of people helping him, and
supporting him, and that might end up saving him. So the time has come to deal
the final blow! Look out, here he comes!
BARLOCCO-PIZZOCCA: [Looking towards
the wings] Oh well, wish me luck.
FRANCIPANTE: [To the LITTLE
DEVILS] You lot, vanish! [To the BARLOCCO-PIZZOCCA] And remember, your
whole reputation is at stake here!
BARLOCCO-PIZZOCCA: I'm ready!
ACT TWO
SCENE FIVE
Enter the JUDGE. He turns
to the windows of the Palace, and calls loudly for PIZZOCCA
JUDGE: Pizzocca! [He
crosses paths with BARLOCCO-PIZZOCCA, but does not recognise her. He has
a moment of uncertainty, and then crosses back to her] Good day, madam... [To
the windows again] Pizzocca, come down and open the door, I've forgotten my
key. Pizzocca, where have you vanished to?
BARLOCCO-PIZZOCCA: I haven't vanished
anywhere... I'm here!
JUDGE: Madam, I do not
know you... Who are you?
BARLOCCO-PIZZOCCA: I am Pizzocca!
JUDGE: What do you mean,
Pizzocca? She’s my housekeeper. You look nothing like her!
BARLOCCO-PIZZOCCA: Of course...
because I have always sacrificed myself for you, and disguised myself as an old
bat! I have never shown myself as I really am. But now I've had enough!
JUDGE: And what about the
Lombard dialect that you have always used?
BARLOCCO-PIZZOCCA: That was the
dialect of my grandfather, a saintly man, from Lodi, who reared me and also
educated me.
JUDGE: I don’t believe
this! You mean to say, for all this time those stuffy old clothes have just
been a disguise?
BARLOCCO-PIZZOCCA: Yes!
They walk towards the entrance
to the palace, and the traverse depicting the front of the palace is raised. We
find ourselves in the drawing room from previously. On-stage are DEVILS, who watch
the proceedings.
JUDGE: Why, though? Why
would you do that?
BARLOCCO-PIZZOCCA: So as not to
provoke disturbances in you, Master. We all know that you live in mortal fear
of the perils of the flesh.
JUDGE: That's no business
of yours! And anyway, when and how could you have provoked
"disturbances" in me?
BARLOCCO-PIZZOCCA: [She flings open
her cloak, and reveals two swelling breasts overflowing the daring decollete of
her dress] With these, Master!
JUDGE: Ye gods!
BARLOCCO-PIZZOCCA: You like them? Eh?
Do you really think that I could have waved them before you, this feast of
breasts and buttocks? And how many laxatives would you have had to take then?
You would have squittered yourself away down the toilet pan! Pardon the
vulgarity!
JUDGE: Cover yourself up,
please... And stop it... You won't trap me: this is all carnival trickery. It's
a trick: those are balloons, blown up... with air!
BARLOCCO-PIZZOCCA: Sir, in that case
it remains only to touch them with your hand! [She grasps his wrists and
pulls him to her] Touch me, sir, at your pleasure. If they are trickery, take
them in your hands! Make the most of it, this show is for free!
JUDGE: [He tears
himself furiously from the WOMAN's embrace, and moves abruptly away from
her] No! No! Stop that!
BARLOCCO-PIZZOCCA: [Going over to
him] Don't be frightened, Sir! There is nobody here.
JUDGE: These are mad times
that we're living in! Everything's falling on my head! On one side they're
coming down on me because I’m a threat to the rich and powerful... And on the
other I'm accused of being a fornicator, because you climbed into my bed naked!
But I don't remember ever seeing these breasts of yours! Now, tell me... Enough
playing about! Who are you really?
BARLOCCO-PIZZOCCA: I am a deeply
sensual woman!
JUDGE: Have you gone out
of your mind?
BARLOCCO-PIZZOCCA: Yes, a deeply
sensual woman. And the things I have done for you! Mortified myself, cancelled
myself out, just to be close to you, and preserve your reputation intact!
JUDGE: My reputation? What
do you mean?
BARLOCCO-PIZZOCCA: Yes... During the
daytime, in order not to give you disturbances, I disguised myself. I changed
my appearance... I bound up my overflowing breasts, I pulled in my backside
with murderour corsets... For thirty years I've hardly been able to breathe! I
spoke with a Lombard dialect... I ate garlic and onions, in order to give
myself a dog's breath. But the more ugly I made myself, the more my unbounded
love for you grew!
JUDGE: Love for me?!
BARLOCCO-PIZZOCCA: I am hugely, deeply
passionate about you, Master... And in order to give rip to this passion... to
give vent to the desires of my body... at night, while you were asleep I
unleashed my bounden breasts and my abundant buttocks, and I went off, to the
taverns, and I went with men...
JUDGE: With men? This is
incredible! I'm all topsy-turvy! But how were you able to descend so far into
lasciviousness and still continue living in my house?
BARLOCCO-PIZZOCCA: What do you mean?!
What are you saying?! Lasciviousness?! For thirty years I have remained in your
service... kneeling before you... disguised as the old, ignorant Pizzocca, just
so as to stay close to you... And now that I am no longer capable of hiding my
huge love for you, I reveal myself for what I am... I cry aloud my passion, and
instead of taking me in your arms and drowning me in kisses you insult me!
Offend me! Humiliate me!
Lasciviousness, you say! Is that all the
Christian charity that you have? I have made myself a whore, and I weep in
repentance, but you, hypocrite and so-called gentleman that you are, you
condemn me... You stand with the Pharisees, Master. You were with Pontius
Pilate, and you too washed your hands! Now I no longer love you, Judge...! Now
I despise you... I hate you...! And I spit on you too! Pah!
She spits in his face, and
leaves the stage.
The lights dim. Music. Enter
other DEVILS, who rearrange the stage in full view of the audience.
ACT TWO
SCENE SIX
Enter the CARDINAL and the INQUISITOR.
They kneel together as if to pray. At the back of the stage we see FRANCIPANTE,
who listens to everything with some amusement. Gregorian chant is heard in the
background.
INQUISITOR: Your Eminence, I
believe that this time, with the Captain coming down from the rafters, and the
girl decapitated, we have perhaps gone a bit far! We should ease up.
CARDINAL: Perhaps. Maybe we
should do like the bear did. It caught the rabbit, and the poor rabbit was
terrified. So the bear began dancing on its feet like a clown, and then, when
the rabbit relaxed and began falling about laughing, the bear, between one
laugh and the next – gulp – swallowed it whole.
INQUISITOR: Good idea. But
where’s the bear who’s going to do the dancing?
CARDINAL: A female bear.
Pizzocca. She is coming to court to testify against De Tristano.
INQUISITOR: Pizzocca? His
servant?
CARDINAL: The very one... The
woman came to me... and offered her services... I hardly recognised her, she seems like a woman who has been
liberated... She even speaks in Neapolitan.
INQUISITOR: Neapolitan? She must
be liberated! So, Pizzocca the betrayer, comes to ruin her master! And I
suppose this cost you a few gold coins?!
CARDINAL: Of course... I told
her that as of this moment she is a free woman. And she made me promise a
passport for her, so that she can flee as soon as De Tristano has been found
guilty.
INQUISITOR: Betrayed and
abandoned even by his servant! And then they say that the judge's profession is
the best of all!
CARDINAL: Indeed... What
patent nonsense!
Chucklng with delight they
exit, in a gentle crescendo of Gregorian chant.
ACT TWO
SCENE SEVEN
From an upper arch, stage left,
FRANCIPANTE
calls BARLOCCO-PIZZOCCA in a loud voice. He arrives wearing PIZZOCCA's
nightdress. During the dialogue between the two of them, the SERVING GIRLS
prepare the JUDGE's bedroom.
FRANCIPANTE: Hurry up, because
in a minute the clock will strike, and you're going to have to pass the body
back to Pizzocca!
BARLOCCO-PIZZOCCA: All right... I'm
going as fast as I can, but all these costume changes are getting a bit much.
FRANCIPANTE: Right. Let’s have a
look at you – check the details.
BARLOCCO-PIZZOCCA: Why?
FRANCIPANTE: When Pizzocca wakes
up, she needs to find that she's back at the start.
BARLOCCO-PIZZOCCA: What do you mean,
the start?
FRANCIPANTE: Doesn't matter if
you don't understand... [The clock chimes] That’s it – bye-byes time...
Enjoy the snooze!
The clock strikes. PIZZOCCA gives a
shudder, kicks her legs about, and falls on the bed, sound asleep.
ACT TWO
SCENE EIGHT
We hear the ringing of a bell. PIZZOCCA wakes
up.
PIZZOCCA: [She looks
around, in a daze] Oh goodness... what a sleep I've had! Where am I? Oh no
– in the master’s bed again! Why do I always seem to wake up in the Judge's
bed?! God, and what a dream I had...! I had two tits... Oh, what tits, oh, what
a tittery... [She feels her breasts] I sprouted tits! I've still got
them! All nice and round! Oh, a miracle!! Oh, Saint Agatha of
the big tits, I thank you! [She realises that she still has the necklaces
from the previous scene] The necklaces... I don't know if they’re a miracle
of St Agatha, or if I just didn't manage to get them off during the
scene-change, 'cos it was so quick... So maybe it wasn't a dream... Maybe some
of it I dreamed, and some of it I really lived! The dancing, for instance, I'm
sure that was real... And what a lot of dancing...! [She makes a dance step
or two] I wonder if my evil eye has gone. And I wonder if I’ve still got a
nice round bum!
She lifts up her nightshirt,
revealing her backside, and twists herself round in a strange pantomime trying
to look at her reflection in the mirror on top of the chest of drawer.
Enter the JUDGE. Ogling the
woman from behind the mirror, he falls into a passionate frenzy.
JUDGE: Oh, my sweet
Pizzocca...
PIZZOCCA: [She is alarmed,
covers herself up, and as she turns round she sees the JUDGE] Oh, your
Honour...! You gave me such a fright! I thought it was my bottom talking to me!
JUDGE: [Going over to
her] My sweet Pizzocca... How lucky that you are here! I was scared that
you had run away for ever!
PIZZOCCA: Me, run away, your
Honour?!
JUDGE: Oh, I pray you...
Enough of this pretending, and hurting each other!
PIZZOCCA: We have hurt each
other?
JUDGE: Yes, dear Pizzocca!
PIZZOCCA: Oh, sir, you are
losing your mind!
JUDGE: You called me
Pontius Pilate...
PIZZOCCA: I called you a
conscious pirate?!
JUDGE: And it's true... I
am Pontius, a Pilate and a hypocritical Pharisee, but I will put all that
behind me. I will stop taking laxatives and enemas... Now I open my heart to
you... I declare myself. I am in love with you...
PIZZOCCA: Your Honour, just
lie down on the bed, relax... I'll bring you a nice cup of tea...
JUDGE: No, Pizzocca... Let
me embrace you!
PIZZOCCA: What are you
saying, illustrious sir?!
JUDGE: [He seizes her
and tries to embrace her] And enough of that crude dialect, like a Lombard
peasant woman! Go back to speaking in that Neapolitan that so consumes me with
pleasure.
PIZZOCCA: I have to speak in
Neapolitan? That’s it – I hand in my notice now! [The JUDGE tries to
embrace her] Don't squeeze me like that, your Honour...! I'm sweating all
over!
JUDGE: Yes, that’s right,
sweat, sweat, and let me sniff you. Let me get drunk on the smell! [He is
literally on top of her. He flings open her nightdress and handles her inflated
breasts. PIZZOCCA looks as if she is about to faint, but she puts up a
desperate resistance] Lovely, these palpitating breasts of yours, which you
kept hidden! They're mine! They're mine! All of them! [He tries to seize her
breasts] Oh look at them... swelling to the touch... let me hold them!
PIZZOCCA: [Stopping him]
Stop that! Get your hands off my new tits! [The JUDGE hauls her
across towards the bed] No! Not on the bed! It's a sin! Your Honour... [Coming
out of character] I've got my backside half hanging off the bed... You're
crucifying me!
She refers to the inconvenient
position in which she finds herself.
JUDGE: I'll pull you up!
He does as he says.
PIZZOCCA: Thank you! [Now
she sits on the bed. The JUDGE attempts to handle her breasts again]
That's enough, your Honour!
JUDGE: That’s enough
"your Honour"... Call me Alfonso!
PIZZOCCA: At once, sir. [She
calls into the wings] Alfonso, the Judge wants you!
JUDGE: Who are you
calling? I'm Alfonso!
PIZZOCCA: Oh yes... You’re
Alfonso... [As above] It’s alright, forget Alfonso, we've found him...
He was here all the time!
JUDGE: That's enough!
You're making fun of me, you cruel whore!
PIZZOCCA: What did you say?!
JUDGE: A little while ago,
didn’t you tell me that you’re a deeply sensual woman?
PIZZOCCA: Sensual?
JUDGE: And didn’t you tell
me that you went with men?
PIZZOCCA: Did I?
JUDGE: Yelping like a
bitch on heat, you said.
PIZZOCCA: Bitch?! [She
succeeds in liberating herself for a moment] You called me a bitch!
JUDGE: Yes! Let me hear
your yelping!
PIZZOCCA: What, like a dog?
JUDGE: Yes!
PIZZOCCA: I'm not sure if I
can do it very well... I’m a bit out of practice... [She howls like a dog,
positioning her neck and body in the manner of a dog howling at the moon]
Oooooooooh!
JUDGE: Sublime! Oh,
Pizzocca, you drive me wild! Come to me, vile she-wolf of the crossroads!
He pulls across the curtains of
the bed. From his grunts and her protests we gather that they are doing naughty
things together There is music, and the BED exits slowly from the
stage, in a paroxysm of musical crescendo.
Blackout.
ACT TWO
SCENE NINE
A large arras is brought
on-stage, to act as the backdrop for the Courtroom. Enter the INQUISITOR,
followed by the GUARDS, the CROWD, FRANCIPANTE and JUDGE
DE TRISTANO, who is in chains and wearing a prisoner's outfit. Trumpets
sound.
INQUISITOR: Silence in court! [To
JUDGE DE TRISTANO] The Council of the Inquisition accuses you of having
cast vile slanders upon the leading figures and honest men of this city,
inducing the grave suspicion that they conjoined in a conspiracy to burn down
the Cathedral in order to extract from it ignoble profits by speculation.
JUDGE: But I showed you
the written evidence for all that!
Murmuring among the crowd.
INQUISITOR: Silence!
Furthermore, the aforementioned Judge is accused of demeaning his high office
through fornication and the violation of female witnesses.
JUDGE: That is a blatant
and premeditated lie!
Murmuring among the crowd.
INQUISITOR: We shall begin with
hearing the witnesses! Call Pizzocca Ganassa, servant of the accused.
Enter BARLOCCO-PIZZOCCA.
She crosses the courtroom with the bearing of a grand lady, wearing the fancy
clothes that we saw previously. She is accompanied by a GUARD. She winks
at the JUDGE, blows him a kiss, and goes to sit on the witness bench. A
ferment and chattering among the public.
BARLOCCO-PIZZOCCA: Yoo-hoo!
JUDGE: [Dumbfounded]
Pizzocca, what on earth are you up to?!
BARLOCCO-PIZZOCCA:
Relax, sugar-plum!
FIRST WOMAN: God, she's looking
tasty. She looks like another woman!
SECOND WOMAN: Surely it can't be
her... It must be her younger sister.
FIRST WOMAN: A bit of a trollop,
if you ask me.
GUARD: Order! Silence in
court!
INQUISITOR: Tell us, Pizzocca,
do you and the Judge enjoy relations of intimacy?
BARLOCCO-PIZZOCCA: Yes, your Honour, I
have had a passion for him for quite a while, and I think I can say that he
feels the same about me.
Murmuring among the crowd.
INQUISITOR: And would these
sentiments also be carnal in nature?
BARLOCCO-PIZZOCCA: [Coming down
from the witness bench] I wouldn't know, Sir. You wish to know if we have
embraced in intimacy, with quiet passions...
INQUISITOR: Yes.
BARLOCCO-PIZZOCCA: [Going over to
where the JUDGE stands in his chains] No sir, we did not.
CHORUS: Aaaah!
BARLOCCO-PIZZOCCA: We romped all over
each other, in a frenzy of passion, and we gave each other such satisfaction
that even the bed on which we performed our sin... was creaking with passion
and wanting more.
Shouting, laughter, a bustle of
movement and applause. FRANCIPANTE also applauds.
CHORUS: Hooray!
MAN: Will you listen to
her!
OTHER MAN: I'd like to have
been the bed!
WOMAN: Bravo, Pizzocca!
JUDGE: Damn you! You’ll
get me burned at the stake!
BARLOCCO-PIZZOCCA: Relax,
sugar-plum!
INQUISITOR: Silence, or I'll
have you all thrown out! [To PIZZOCCA] And are you also aware of the
fact that your employer has attempted to violate a female witness?
BARLOCCO-PIZZOCCA:
Violate a girl, sir? Yes, they gave me the full story of that.
INQUISITOR: Who told you the
story? We want names!
BARLOCCO-PIZZOCCA: Er – the Cardinal, sir.
CHORUS: The Cardinal?!
BARLOCCO-PIZZOCCA: He told me all the
details, and then he paid me lots of money!
MAN: That's disgraceful!
OTHER MAN: Hardly surprising,
though!
FIRST WOMAN: Quite normal!
BARLOCCO-PIZZOCCA: He paid me to come
here and tell the whlole story before the court!
CARDINAL: You liar! It's a
lie! You're under arrest, I’ll have you flogged! [To PIZZOCCA] Whore!
BARLOCCO-PIZZOCCA: A whore repented,
sir!
CARDINAL: Show me the proof
that I paid you!
INQUISITOR: This is hardly the
language for a Cardinal!
BARLOCCO-PIZZOCCA: [Showing a small
chest of money] There’s the money!
INQUISITOR: And how is one to
recognise the provenance of this money? Is the name of its donor perhaps
written all over it?
BARLOCCO-PIZZOCCA: Your Honour, what
you say is true... The money provides no evidence of its source. However, there
are these earrings... and necklaces... rings and bracelets, which the Cardinal
gave me in addition... and on each of those one can easily discover the donor.
For instance, the engraving on this ring: [She reads] "To Clarissa,
with all my love, Giovanni Piccolo."
FIRST WOMAN: That came from me!
That's my ring! I gave it to the Cardinal, for the Cathedral building fund!
BARLOCCO-PIZZOCCA: And then there’s
this very distinctive necklace with the dark green gems?
MAN: That looks like the
one I donated.
JUDGE: Oh, Pizzocca, you have
saved me!
Shouting, applause, insults and
laughter among the crowd. BARLOCCO-PIZZOCCA wraps herself up, covering herself
from head to toe in a large cloak.
FIRST WOMAN: The usual bunch of
swindlers!
SECOND WOMAN: The Judge is not
guilty! Lock up the Cardinal!
CHORUS: Now the lid’s off
the sewer! Let the swindlers and liars be put in chains!
INQUISITOR: Silence, or you'll
all be out! Be quiet! [The noise slowly subsides, and the voice of the INQUISITOR
rises above it] Pay attention and listen! By judgement of this Tribunal, it
is ordered that Judge Alfonso Ferdinando De Tristano be absolved of all the
charges.
CHORUS: Hooray for justice!
INQUISITOR: And a new Inquiry
shall be opened into these crimes.
All the participants in the
trial surround PIZZOCCA, hiding her from the audience’s view.
CHORUS: Well done... At
last... A woman who’ll stand up for herself!
INQUISITOR: You, Pizzocca, are
under arrest for having made a mockery of the high office of magistrate. Put
her in irons! Lock her away!
BARLOCCO-PIZZOCCA: Don't touch me!
Leave me alone. I have a safe-conduct!
The circle around PIZZOCCA opens.
As the GUARD comes towards her to put her in chains, the shawl falls
open, and instead of PIZZOCCA we find a small DEVIL, who leaps here and there, giving mocking cries
and then escapes. There is laughter among the crowd, and then everyone,
including the arras and except FRANCIPANTE and BARLOCCO-PIZZOCCA,
exits.
Music.
ACT TWO
SCENE TEN
The MASTER DEVIL
FRANCIPANTE grabs BARLOCCO-PIZZOCCA as he tries to escape by hiding
behind the arras as it is carried off-stage. A new arras is now brought
on-stage by various DEVILS. It portrays scenes of hell. From behind it,
out pop the heads of various other DEVILS, who watch the trial of BARLOCCO.
FRANCIPANTE: You, bastard,
traitor, worse than Judas, where do you think you're running off to? Come here!
BARLOCCO-PIZZOCCA: Leave me alone, Maestro! Let me go!
FRANCIPANTE: Stop right there!
You may think you’re very clever, but let me tell you, you’re done for. You
just wait...
BARLOCCO-PIZZOCCA: I admit it,
maestro, I failed in my mission.
FRANCIPANTE: Your orders were to
ruin and corrupt this Judge, but you went and did the opposite. You saved him!
CHORUS
OF DEVILS: Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
BARLOCCO-PIZZOCCA: But I never
expected to end up stuck in a woman’s body.
CHORUS OF DEVILS: He never
imagined...!
FRANCIPANTE: Stuck? Don't put
the blame on the body. You wretch. You had a lovely time in that woman, a whale
of a time!
CHORUS OF DEVILS: A lovely time! A
lovely time!
BARLOCCO-PIZZOCCA: And I still remain
possessed!
CHORUS OF DEVILS: [Disappointed]
Ooooh hoooo!
FRANCIPANTE: Don’t tell me I didn’t
warn you of the dangers!
BARLOCCO-PIZZOCCA: Oh yes, you warned
me... But tell me, Maestro, have you ever lived in a woman's body?
FRANCIPANTE: No, never.
BARLOCCO-PIZZOCCA: Do you not know
that anyone who takes on a woman's body also wears her heart... her emotions...
her passions?
FRANCIPANTE: No, that I did not
know.
BARLOCCO-PIZZOCCA: So you're not such
a good Master devil after all... Really you're just a poor devil like the rest
of us!
CHORUS OF DEVILS: [Mockingly]
A poor devil! Hee, hee!
BARLOCCO-PIZZOCCA: And since you are
just a poor devil... who are you to judge and condemn me? You trapped me in
this woman’s love... and now you are surprised that I was swept away by it!
Well fair enough, I understand. This is like the justice of men. Whichever way
you turn, you always end up guilty! So now go ahead and dissolve me in the
infernal shite, and let's have an end to it!
FRANCIPANTE: Oh no! That would
be too easy – too convenient! Shall I tell you what your real punishment is
going to be? You are going to remain locked in the body of that woman forever!
CHORUS OF DEVILS: [Tremendous
general laughter] Ha, ha, ha, ha!
BARLOCCO-PIZZOCCA: But is that a
sentence, Maestro, or is it a gift?
CHORUS OF DEVILS: [As above]
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
Everyone exits, taking the
arras with them.
ACT TWO
SCENE ELEVEN
Enter JUDGE
DE TRISTANO.
JUDGE: [He addresses
the audience directly] I imagine that you will be curious to find out how
it went with my trial... Actually, it went very well! And so, here I am, found
not guilty of all the accusations, including having sullied the honour of the
“good” men of this city. But then the Tribunal of the Inquisition opened a new
Inquiry... Into what? Into whom? Guess... Into the crime of the Cathedral fire?
Into corruption in the builders’ corporation? Into the archbishopric? No. Into
me...! And in particular into my suspected affiliation with the religious sect
of Michele da Lentini. They dragged me through four trials, together with the
heretics... In the end, Michele and three of his followers were sentenced to
burn at the stake... which is a regular event, to celebrate the burning of
Savonarola. But not me! Out of respect for my past profession as a judge, I was
sentenced only to be hanged. Aha! But then a miracle happened.
Trumpets sound. Enter the INQUISITOR, from
stage right.
INQUISITOR: [To a roll of
drums] Silence in court. Hear ye, hear ye: By intervention of His
Magnificence the Duke in person, who has granted him a pardon of his life, this
sentence is to be commuted to five years in the galleys. This means that De
Tristano will be shipped aboard a
galley or ship of the dukedom as an oarsman, for the duration of his sentence!
JUDGE: Well, see how well
it's all turned out! Today’s my lucky day!
Enter the two GUARDS, the OARSMEN,
and the PRISON WARDER, who is HELMSMAN of the galley.
FIRST GUARD: Take this oar, and
prepare to row!
HELMSMAN: Raise your oars,
and prepare to row!
JUDGE: Just a moment, this
is the point where we do the farewell speech!
CHORUS OF OARSMEN: The what?
JUDGE: It's the speech
that closes the show... The summing-up, if you like.
CHORUS OF OARSMEN: Oh alright, fair
enough.
The GUARDS, OARSMEN
etc leave the stage. Only the JUDGE remains.
JUDGE: [To the audience]
It's alright, don't panic! Don’t think that I’m about to serve up a sermon on
the impossibility of extracting men from their endless games of wickedness...
And then conclude with the hoary old chestnut that "well, what do you
want, there's nothing to be done... that's the way the world is!"
No! I want to finish by talking of you, the
audience, of those who have followed our show, and enjoyed it, laughing where
appropriate, and in order to let it be understood that they are more than
usually intelligent, they grasp and immediately understand every joke and
allusion... They don't even let us finish the sentence... "Ha, ha!"
So that all the rest who are a bit slow are mortified, and laugh without knowing
why.
Then there's the person who, in order not to be
shown up, laughs at the beginning of every sentence, even the most tragic. [He
pauses] Then there's the one with his wife next to him explaining all the
jokes... And there's the one who laughs as he's going out of the theatre,
because he's finally understood the joke! Then there's the jolly fellow who
claps away, and his wife hisses at him: "What are you doing? It's you that
the actor is making fun of!" And he, in order not to let anyone see, pretends
to be dusting off his face and sleeves, and doesn't laugh again for the whole
evening.
No, I would most like to make a dedication to
those who aren't here this evening... or, if they are here, are well disguised
and hidden. I refer to those members of the audience who laugh only if they are
very sure that the joke is at someone else's expense, and never mind who it is.
As long as the joke is about those who have a different way of speaking, or who
come from another country, who are different, who have another smell, another
colour... Of their face, or feet, and who enjoy blowing raspberries at them and
shouting: "Go back to your own country!" ... "Go home!" And
if there happens to follow some throwing of stones, or a good kicking, it's
really a lot better. I'm talking about those people who at every opportunity
spout: "We are the master race, we are the best! We are the brainiest, the
smartest, the cleverest, and the most in-tune*... And we've got the
biggest..." understandings, of course...
In short, I am speaking of imbeciles, which is a
race apart! The imbeciles who at every opportunity wave flags and sing national
anthems... and who seem to think that they’re making history! Those that launch
themselves against anyone who comes from the other side of the river. The
imbeciles who are incapable of listening to any point of view other than their
own. The imbeciles who applaud any act of theft, and who say: "This new
leader may be a thief, but if he steals for himself, he may allow us to steal a
bit too!" The imbeciles who contrive to produce tremendous disasters, but
never notice a thing! [He pauses] And I would conclude that I,
personally, I far prefer professional criminals to run-of-the-mill imbeciles.
Yes, because criminals take a break every once in a while... but imbeciles,
never!
He exits.
ACT TWO
SCENE TWELVE
Enter the PRISONERS,
including the JUDGE. Each of them holds a long oar. The proscenium is
occupied for its entire width by oarsmen, standing about a metre apart. The CHIEF
HELMSMAN orders them to sit to their oars.
HELMSMAN: Let’s have you! Get
your oars in the water. Prepare to row. Anyone who doesn't row properly or
who’s out of time gets a whipping! Right, rooooow!
All the OARSMEN extend
their oars towards the audience and begin to row. We hear the rowers' song,
growing in intensity:
CHORUS: The wind goes
through the plains.
It comes down from the mountain to the valley,
And loses itself in the sea.
The weather changes with the moons,
The storm changes the river,
Only the sun never changes.
A sad thing is the man who does not change,
Who does not live the seasons,
Who remains forever static.
No amount of killing makes him angry.
He doesn't leave himself open, nor does he
lament,
And when he dies, nobody weeps,
It is as if he had never been born.
The procession of OARSMEN moves
across the proscenium and disappears into the wings. Meanwhile, at the back of
the stage, MEN and WOMEN, some of whom may be PUPPETS,
wave them farewell. Enter a small rowing boat, following the galley at speed.
On board the boat is PIZZOCCA.
PIZZOCCA: Alfonso, wait for
me... Alfonso, I love you! Alfonsooooo!
As the rowing boat disappears
into the wings, the lights slowly dim
NOTES
1. In the original play, the sheets were used
for a shadow-theatre effect, so that the characters paraded behind the sheets,
illuminated from behind. This effect was also used elsewhere in the original.
2. Here you may feel free to change the
terminology if you find it excessively (or indeed not sufficiently) vulgar.
3. If a flying Pizzocca is beyond your technical
means, the action may be simplified.
4. This play was written in part as a vehicle
for Franca Rame. This explains the use of a stand-in at a certain point. The
stand-in is an optional extra.
Incidentally, it is my opinion that a lot of fun
could be had by having Pizzocca (and hence Barlocco-Pizzocca) played throughout
by a male.
5. The tammurriata is a wild
drumming-singing kind of thing, to be found in Southern Italy. I can provide
recorded examples of such a thing, should they be required.
6. You may prefer to change some of the
place-name references. For example, the recurring joke about Pizzocca speaking
Neapolitan.
7. The original of Il Diavolo... was
performed in North Italian dialect. I have translated it into standard English.
However, we would welcome dialect or local regional versions.
8. There’s nothing worse than English
productions of Italian plays with the names mis-pronounced. If you are in
doubt, write the names on a piece of paper and take them to your local pizza
parlour, where somebody should be able to help you.
9. The scenery and stage settings for this play
can be as simple or as complicated as you care to make them. In some places, a
painted traverse is called for (eg end of Act I Sc 4), as in English pantomime.
This can be elaborate, or a simple canvas on poles carried by two people. The
courtroom and the Judge’s apartments may also be elaborate – period furnishings
– or simple – imaginative use of boxes, steps etc. The important thing is to
achieve a sense of a Renaissance stage-setting.
10. My brief in translating Il Diavolo con le
Zinne in this version for the National Theatre has been to remain as close
as possible to a literal rendering of Fo’s play, but to cut its running time by
half. No mean undertaking! Some of the ruder bits have also been cleaned up.
11. If you have any comments or queries
regarding the text, songs, music etc, I can be contacted at: ed.emery @
thefreeuniversity..net
Ed Emery
Levanto
15.ix.98
[Ends]
_________________________________________
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reserved. This text shall not by way of trade or otherwise be copied,
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hired out or otherwise circulated without the owners' specific written consent.
Please be
aware that this translation can only be performed with explicit permission in
writing from the agency representing Dario Fo and Franca Rame, the
Danesi-Tolnay agency in Rome.
Last updated:
6.viii.2012
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