Today's Dose is my answer to another question that I had in my stupid survey
from a couple of doses ago...
What would you do if you were Hegemon for a day?
Well, to answer this question, let's look at three scenerios:
#1) The first is about a man named Pete Zahod. Pete was a good guy. He did
his homework every day and he never ate with his elbows on the table. Pete
never misplaced his keys or slurped his pudding.
One day Pete was concocting some food in the kitchen, and he decided to try
something new. So, he mixed up his own secret variation on bread dough and
spread it out in a round pan. Next, he walked over to his cupboard and
stared at it for a while. He thought to himself, "What can I put in my not-
quite-bread-dough?" After much deliberation, he decided to open up a can of
spaghetti sauce and proceeded to pour it on his not-quite-bread-dough.
But, we all know that spaghetti sauce and almost-bread-dough needs more than
just spaghetti sauce and almost-bread-dough, so Pete went to his fridge and
rummaged around for a while. Being a great supporter of farmers, but knowing
that you can't pour milk on spaghetti sauce and not-quite-pizza-dough, Pete
got out some cheese. But, a block of cheese wouldn't work very well for that
whole bite-and-chew-easily thing, so he grated the cheese into really small
little bitty pieces and threw it on top of the spaghetti sauce and almost-
bread-dough.
But, cheese and sauce and dough are kind of plain when by themselves
together, so Pete thought about what else he could add... Finally he decided
that tacos have cheese on them (they don't have sauce and dough, though, but
that's beside the point), and they also have peppers and onions and tomatoes
and lettuce. So Pete went out to his garden and got some peppers and onions
and tomatoes, but not any lettuce because lettuce doesn't taste right with
spaghetti sauce and not-quite-bread-dough. Pete didn't just toss these
things in the pan, though, he chopped them up first and then added them to
his concoction.
"Hmm," Pete said to himself, "What this really needs is some meat or
something." So Pete, being a supporter of farmers with pigs to sell and
butcher...
Wait, that explanation could get gruesome. Let's try this approach:
"Hmm," Pete said to himself, "What this really needs is some meat or
something." So Pete, being a supporter of small town grocery store owners
with stuff to sell, headed to IGA and bought some bacon, because bacon's
good. But, Pete didn't get regular bacon, he got Canadian bacon, because
Canadian bacon is America's favorite. So, Pete took the Cadaian bacon back
to his kitchen and added it to his not-quite-bread-dough, spaghetti sauce,
cheese, pepper, onion, and tomato concoction.
But, we all know that you can't eat raw bread dough, even if it's not-quite-
bread-dough. So, Pete put it all in the oven for 10-20 minutes at 450
degrees. When it was done, he took it out and cut it into triangular pieces
so that everyone would be able to try some of his great new concoction.
And many years later, Pete Zahod opened up the first...
You guessed it...
Domino's.
(Just a reminder that the above story bears no truth to anything that might
have actually been truthful. It was merely a fabrication by the author, who
is in no way sponsored by Domino's, but reminds you to do your shopping at
IGA, cuz they've got really nice people working there, especially those part-
timers who work in the summers and over break.)
Well, onto my next scenerio:
#2) Have you ever read the label on a 7Up bottle? I mean, besides just
checkin to make sure that it really is 7Up or not?
The label says:
"Warning! Contents under pressure. Cap may blow off causing eye or other
serious injury. Point away from face and people, especially while opening."
I would like to point out that Pepsi, Coke, and baby bottles do not carry
this warning.
What does that mean? I don't know, you can draw your own conclusions. Go
ahead. Find a wall. Draw some conclusions on it. Figure it out for
yourself, because I'm sick and tired of thinking for you. I can explain it
to you, I just can't understand it for you...
(Another note that the warning on the label thing is true, at least the fact
that it exists there. The warning itself, however, should be self
explanatory. I mean, think about it, when you get coffee from the drive-thru
at McDonald's it will probably be hot. Why sue for your stupidity? What is
society coming to when we need stupid warnings like that about stuff that
should be obvious? The author would also like to note that she is not
sponsored by 7Up, Pepsi, Coke, babies, or McDonald's. And do not take any of
her complaints about dumb people personally...)
And, finally,
#3) Running in squares while bouncing a volleyball balanced on a spinning
plate is not a good convex trigonometry problem when storms are being warned
to keep off the grass in front of the smoking signs and drinking tugboats.
This will cause appendix failure and dictionary confusion if the speakers are
framed for blowing out the candles and sitting on broken tablature.
As we not really analyze that further, we realize that the basset hound with
target practice will not type if the movie is covered in lotion and the light
is playing tag with a teddy bear who eats gallons of paint chips from picnic
tables while a monkey is writing a sonnet for a frog who dances in the
moonlight with Guido and his fellow bumper, Vinnie.
Consequently, the thunder complains in the barn while gnawing on coconuts and
scrolling around on a skateboard with a blue hampster who plants trees and
evidence. The corny flap of frantic fabric floats with the flavorful fan who
feels that fear is nothing but a frightening force of fists that flip with
frail festivities in the field of flowers that are covered in goo.
(Please note that no one who is not reading this cannot rely on anyone else
who is not noting that the reader is relying on someone who is relying on
nobody to read the interpretor of the one who is writing this for those of
you to read. Don't interpret that the wrong way if you are relying on
reading it.)
So, I hope those three scenarios have clued you in to what I would do if I
were Hegemon for a day... because if you know, more power to you...
-Sarah