pertinent topic:
How To Deal With Rabid Squirrels.
First of all, you must determine if it is the squirrel who is rabid, or if
you are just delusional. If the squirrel is foaming at the mouth, has a rat
tail, or is making faces at you, then most likely you are just delusional.
Now, start calling the squirrel "Frog". This will be very affective because
if he thinks he is a frog he will no longer be rabid because frogs cannot
aquire or transmit rabies. However, keep in mind that calling him "Poisonous
Tree Frog" will cause more problems than it will solve . . .
Next, try and get Frog to participate in the Hokey Pokey with you. Be sure
to start with the left foot, though, because it harder to tell which one is
his right foot. This should take his mind off going around biting people,
because, hey, frogs don't have teeth, now do they?
If the Hokey Pokey doesn't work, try the Chicken Dance or the Flying Dutchman.
Next, ask Frog if he knows how to play Cribbage. Take it from me, I have
never lost a game of Cribbage with a rabid squirrel. However, if you do
happen to find a squirrel that does know how to play the game, send him to me
so he can teach me how to play, since I haven't learned yet . . .
Also, remember to keep the rabid squirrel/Frog talking at all times. Advise
him that jumping off a ledge is not a good way to spread rabies, unless he
gets to jump from a window onto a trampoline. Even if you don't understand
his choppy English, try to speak to him in either German or gibberish, they
are both pretty much the same, anyway. Good communication is the first step
in Rabid Squirrel Recovery.
Above all, don't feed the bears or the lions, and keep your hands, knees,
knuckles, and noses inside the moving vehicle at all times.
These little hints that I have shared with you should get you started in your
feeble attempts at helping the rabid squirrel population.
And, when all else fails, attack him with a nervous turkey.
-Sarah