How to Stalk Someone 101
This is a class that was introduced over the weekend by Sarah and her
friends. They have taken the liberty of writing up a very detailed course
guide. The following are excerpts (OK, it's probably more like the whole
thing. Come on, you didn't expect me to skimp on the stupidity, did you?)
and an outline of what you will be learning in the class. Remember, these
are just the beginning basics of stalking someone.
First, some simple measures that can be taken while stalking your subject.
1. Drive past their house. A lot. 10 or 12 times a day is about average.
2. Once in a while, honk. But make sure that you are not driving a
recognizable vehicle. Otherwise, they will know that you are stalking them
if they look out the window to see who is honking.
3. Call their house. When someone answers, hang up. Repeat this as
necessary, and always remember this little phrase: "Star Sixty-Seven."
4. Make another trip to their house. This time, go up and knock on the
door. Run away as fast as you can.
5. If no one came to the door when you knocked, then it is a clear signal
that you are free to go into their house and steal one of their sweatshirts.
Cuz, hey, if you're stalking someone, you need one of their sweatshirts.
6. Well, as long as you're in the house, you might as well grab a new
picture of your subject (because the one you have now is covered in lipstick.)
7. Open a generic e-mail account and e-mail that person a lot of annonymous
mail about how much you are in love with them.
These are just a couple basic rules that the class will work on during the
semester. Just a reminder: you are supposed to invest in a variety of
notebooks so that we can practice writing your names together with lots of
little hearts. Trust me, if you can't draw a heart now, you'd better learn
because it WILL be on the final. You will also need to write a rather
lengthy love letter to your subject. This letter will be approximately three
to four pages, double spaced, and hand-written with little hearts as the dots
for the 'i's. You will learn the art of folding the letter into cool
designs, then rip it up. Bring some tape to class so that you can later tape
the letter back together.
Happy Stalking!
-Sarah
In no way does the author condone any illegal action, i.e. breaking and
entering. Stalking is a very serious crime and these measures should not be
done by amatuers (or anyone!). The author and her friends have come up with
this course by way of their imaginations and do not partake in any of the
aforementioned things.
Always remember that these doses are stupid and have no ties to reality.