"Frankly, if staying here means working within 10 yards of you, I'd rather get a job wiping Saddam Hussein's ass."--Bridget Jones
"Christmas is a time when people of all religions gather together to worship Jesus Christ."--Bart Simpson
"Seems like you're making a lot of things Irish lately."--Monica
"Well, I'd make 'em Belgian, but the waffles are kinda hard to get into the flask."--Fun Bobby
"Do you realize we forgot to have sex tonight?"--Laurie
"I have got to get more Post-Its!"--Mike
"The winner gets to do a little something special with me, and the loser gets to sew it back on."--Drew Carey
"Oh, God, what did I do to deserve this?...Oh, yeah, right. You got me there!"--Karen
"Well, seeya later, and if you need anything, you know, go get it."--Nathan
"Oh, daddy! I'm gonna answer the door. But that'll seem needy. But I am needy. But needy's not hot. But I am hot. *sings* Papa, can you hear me?"--Jack
"Hang on, Jack. You're having a Yentl breakdown."--Will
"Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go take a cold shower in liquid oxygen."--The Cat
"Why me?"--Michael
"Because you saw me when I was invisible."--Mia
"I have a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."--Robin Williams
"My furry friend and I have just concluded our daily constitutional, with young Edward dropping a few amendments along the way."--Simon
"He's so rude to tourists!"--Harold
"Well, he just figures they're stopping to ask for directions, so he tells them where to go."--Red Green
"Uncle Hank, I quit being a virgin the first time I had sex!"--Luann
"Nobody likes a quitter, Luann."--Hank
"News flash: The New York City police have apparently apprehended the hooligan that let the dogs out."--Jimmy Fallon
"After 14 years...you don't know what it's like."--Captain Peacock
"I didn't know what it was like after 7!"--Mrs. Slocombe
"She dumped you, didn't she?"--Margaret
"It was mutual. We both hated me, and she was the only one with enough nerve to leave."--Drew
"Listy, you can't judge a book by it's cover."--Ace Rimmer
"And you can't confuse Rimmer with a book. For a start, a book's got a spine."--Lister
"When a person kills another person, it leaves a mark."--Vincent
"Yeah, especially when you use an axe, the way Oscar did."--Donna
"Male bees are called drones. What are non-reproductive female bees called?"--Hollywood Squares
"Les-bees."--Caroline Rhea
"A clay pot sitting in the sun will always just be a clay pot. It has to go through the white heat of the furnace to become porcelain."--Mildred W. Struven
"If you want to be a holy man, you have to be committed. When you make a decision, you cannot waver in any way. You'd never see Ghandi during a hunger strike sneaking down into the kitchen in the middle of the night. 'Ghandi, what are you doing down there?' 'I, um, thought I heard a prowler...and I thought I'd hit them on the had with this giant bowl of potato salad!'"--Jim Carrey
"One should be able to say anything to a close friend, and yet part of friendship is knowing what not to say and when not to say it."--Lillian Jackson Braun
"I knew he was the man I was looking for. He was 6'5, 4'2 when naked, because when he was nake, he stood like this. *hunches over*"--Colin Mochrie
"If you can't beat 'em, lick 'em!"--Chip Esten
"I don't need to manage my anger, people need to stop ticking me off!"--Red Green
"Money doesn't buy happiness."--Mama
"Yeah, but it sure does take the sting outta being miserable, don't it?"--Grace
"Isn't the world full of wonderful things? I have lost so many things. My job, my future, everything people think is important. But I don't care! 'Cause even if I have to dig ditches for the rest of my life, I shall be a ditch-digger who once had a wonderful day!"--Cornelius Hackle
"I feel sorry for those who haven't suffered, for they can never truly appreciate the good things in life."--Helen Keller
"Rimmer, can't you tell that this story is not gripping me? I'm in a state of non-grippedness. I am completely smegging un-gripp'ed. Shut the smeg up!"--Lister
"You are a total, total...a word has yet to be invented for how totally...whatever it is...you are. But you are one! And a total, total one at that!"--Rimmer
"Trying to kid yourself that there's some master key to waht's right and whats wrong is ridiculous...worse than that, it's dangerous, because you'll always end up feeling incompetent and inadequate when it eludes you. You've got to accept that life is complicated and often frustrating. What's right for you may not be right for Aahz. There are even times when there is no right answer, only the least objectionable of several bad choices. Recognize that, then don't waste time and energy wondering why it's failing or feeling that it's unfair...accept it."--Kalvin the Djinn
"Nothing's easy. Sometimes it's less difficult than at other times, but it's never easy. Part of your problem is that you keep thinking thins should be easy, so you assume the easy way is the right way."--Kalvin the Djinn
"Isn't it a joy to grow older? The mind gets better, but everything else falls apart."--Silk
"When you're 18, it isn't much fun to be treated as if you're 12, even if everyone does think you're cute."--Lorna Luft
"When you kill someone by chopping off their head, rolling them up in a carpet, and burning it, you'd better make sure they're dead!"--Colin Mochrie
"When angry, count four; when very angry, swear."--Mark Twain
"That was an important speech, sir, and it needed to be made. But might I suggest that from this point on, the conversation should be made by those with brains larger than a grape."--Kryten
"Now! What's this?"--Lister
"It's a banana. It always has been a banana, and it always will be a banana. It's a yellow fruit that you unzip and eat the white bits. It's a banana!"--Kryten
"What's wrong, Daphne?"--Frasier
"It's me love life."--Daphne
"Oh, have you been seeing a man?"--Frasier
"Only when I close me eyes and concentrate really, really hard."--Daphne
"Hi, I'm chardonnay. Would you like to come in for a glass of Josh?"--Josh
"I walk when I want, I sit down when I want, I cry when I want, I laugh when I want...I pick my own hours."--Molly
"Ah, it's good to be alive. There's so many things you can't do when you're dead."--Gottard Bolt
"Outside of a dog, a man's best friend is a book. Inside of a dog, it is very dark."--Groucho Marx
"Money in Oz! Did you suppose we are so vulgar as to use money here? If we used money to buy things, instead of love and kindness and the desire to please one another, then we should not be better than the rest of the world."--The Tin Woodsman
"Jack be nimble, Jack be quick. Jack eat chipmunk, Jack get sick!"--Laurie Beth Denburg
"Why can't ministers ever go anywhere without being briefed?"--Minister
"It's in case they get caught with their trousers down, sir."--Sir Humphrey
"Subsidy isn't for what people want. It's for what people don't want but ought to have!"--Sir Humphrey
"In the year 2000, Santa Claus will still fly around the world in one night. But it will be St. Patrick's Day, and he'll be drunk off his ass."--Andy Richter
"This music would be better with girls in bikinis wiggling all over the place. But then again, I guess most music would."--from Mystery Science Theater 3000, the Movie
"If you can't beat 'em, join 'em. If you can't join 'em, BITE 'em!"--Laurie Beth Denburg
"Vini, vidi, vomiti. I came, I saw, I ralfed."--Harold
"Now, I recommend fresh kitty litter. I'm all for recycling, but only up to a point."--Red Green
"They say the eyes are the window to the brain. So if your eyesight is deteriorating, there's a good chance your brains are going down the tube, too."--Red Green
"And I'm your host, Pierre Becausemybladdersempty."--Colin Mochrie
"Come on, Karen. It's not like you never got any at the office."--Grace
"Well, at least she had the decency to be alone."--Nathaniel
"Ha ha...ha ha...it's funny 'cause it's true."--Karen
"Happy Christmas!"--Janet
"No, be afraid. For it shall not be a happy Christmas. The Anti-Christ is coming, and he shall destroy all in front of him!"--Tyler
"No, he's not."--Janet
"He is! I had 'im in me flat last night, and 'e said 'e was!"--Tyler
"Happy Christmas, Tyler."--George
"No, be afraid, for it shall not be a happy Christmas. The Anti-Christ is coming..."--Tyler
"No, I've had a word with the Anti-Christ, and he'll be staying home this year."--George
"This next guy is such a big black man that me makes big black men go, 'Hey! Look at that big black man!'"--announcer guy
"Brazil has named May 9th 'Orgasm Day'. They hope you come."--Jimmy Fallon
"Watches, chocolates, cheese. Ladies and gentlemen, we give you the Swiss."--Eric Matthews
"In the year 2000, doctors will dissect the body of Kathie Lee Gifford, despite her horrific screams."--Conan O'Brien
"I'd rather be trapped in a coal mine with three Republicans and a lap dog."--Maxine Gray
"Twiddle 'is knob, somebody, 'e's out of focus."--Mrs. Slocombe
"Gimme the plane or the bitch loses a cuticle. I've got a nail file! I can be irritating!"--Robin Williams
"The poor Canadian snowboarder in 1998. They took away his medal because he tested positive for marijuana, which is a little redundant, number one, and number two, they said that marijuana was a performance-enhancing drug. *buzzer noise* Marijuana enhances many things: colors, tastes, sensations...but you are certainly not f***ing empowered. When you're stoned, you're lucky if you can find your own goddamned feet! The only way it's a performance-enhancing drug is if there's a big f***ing Hershey bar at the end."--Robin Williams
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