Somebody brought me a pie the other day. A Pie! How awesome is that? So, I dug into it last night. I was ready for the magic. It was an apple pie. In the list of best pies on the Sassquatch scale, apple comes in a close second to cherry. So needless to say, I was extremely excited. I bit into it and it was…well…okay. Not great. When I looked at the box I found out what the problem was. On the box it had written, “No sugar added.” Well, there is your problem. Why in the heck would you not add sugar? If you are in fact sitting down and eating pie; I don’t think you are all that health conscience. So why not add in the flippin’ sugar!?! These people taking away our sugar and our trans fat. What are they doing to us? Do they want us to live longer? I don’t want to live until I’m 90. Have you met people in their 90s? All they do is talk about how they want to die. And statistics have proven that the first heart attack is rarely fatal. So, please put sugar in pie. Don’t make us eat inferior pastry.

-Super Sassquatch