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The Complete Beginners Guide to Westlife for Credible Girls Who Decide to go to a Concert on a Whim by Indie |
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SnowBunny and I were “lucky” enough to score some bargain bucket tickets to a Westlife concent in April. We will be there on the 17th at the NEC, waving our banner made from a sheet and wearing our “Westlife... Who are Ya?” T-Shirts with pride. Who The Fuck They Are (based strictly on appearances and the teeny bits of stuff I admit to knowing about them): Bryan. He’s
blond with squinty blue eyes and a Leo DiCaprio, circa 1998 curtain
style hairdo. He has
knocked up an Atomic Kitten, or one of them – I dunno how it works
out. He’s a bit chubby,
and looks about twelve years old. IF WESTLIFE WERE TAKE THAT, BRYAN WOULD BE THE: Robbie. he’s the closest thing this lot have got to cute. Kian. Well
apart from having a suck ass name, he’s got mop top Beatle style blond
hair and quite big lips. Makes
me laugh ‘cause his surname is Egan.
Kian Egan. I just
find that amusing to say out loud.
He looks a bit like a fourteen year old girl. IF WESTLIFE WERE TAKE THAT, KIAN WOULD BE THE: Mark. He looks feminine, and seems to be the short one. Mark. The
token ugly one. I think he
looks at bit like Shaggy from Scooby Doo, but maybe it’s just me. Dark brown hair, big buggy eyes, big bifter eyebrows and
large rabbity teeth. Also
got a stupid surname, Fehilly, which just brings the word molestation
into my sick mind. He looks
like an eleven year old “Just William” type of boy. IF WESTLIFE WERE TAKE THAT, MARK WOULD BE THE: Gary Barlow. Fucking ugly, but he can sing. Nicky. Looks
like the bastard child of Savage Garden and Ellen DeGeneres, resulting
in a slightly androgynous she-male.
blond, with the bastard haircut of Bryan and Kian.
This bloke just doesn’t seem to have anything original about
him. IF WESTLIFE WERE TAKE THAT, NICKY WOULD BE THE: Howard. He’s just got that whole “weird-ass bloke who stands at the back and lisps” vibe about him. Shane. Shane is the old “Martin Kemp-alike”
old looking band member. He
has greased back brown hair and a receding hairline.
He looks at bit like your dad on his wedding day. IF
WESTLIFE WERE TAKE THAT, SHANE WOULD BE THE: Jason Orange. He seems to be the granddaddy of ‘em all. General
Information.
How
to do the Flying Without Wings dance: Stand with both your arms out to the sides and sway slightly. How
to do the Seasons in the Sun/I Have A Dream dance: Sit on a tall bar stool (chrome for preference) and sway slightly. How
to do the Against All Odds dance: Clamp
both hands around a pair of earmuffs, pretend you’re in a recording
studio and stare at Mariah Carey’s tits, while swaying slightly. What
else is there to know about Westlife? Probably
lots, but I couldn’t be bothered.
I’m now off to buy the album.
No seriously. How am
I supposed to make up new rude lyrics to sing at the concert if I
don’t know any of the songs? All
the research I actually did do for this article was snurched from The
Official Westlife site. |
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© Indie |
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