:::::Daniel May:::::
My Story.
Because my Mother was a catholic, I recieved a catholic education, first going to St Marys` School in Isleworth, then when we moved to Hounslow West, I went to St Michael and St Martins School.
The strongest memory of there, is being "Made to Lie"....by a Nun! The head-mistress, Sister Pauline, had been told that I was throwing stones at people, and at Houses, and she believed them. I hadn`t of course, but she got SO angry when I said I hadn`t thrown any, and the more I denied it, the angrier she got, so I told her I did just to get her to back off..which she did. It was horrible to be accused of doing something I hadn`t, and it has fuelled a paranoia in me that exists to this day.
I don`t ever remember having close friends there..I knew people, and had a few laughs with people, but certainly never had what you would call a best friend.
 Me, aged four. |
We were a fairly poor family. I wore my cousins hand me down clothes. We never went abroad on Holiday (I still have never been abroad!) We used to go to the Isle of Wight, and we stayed in Atherfield Bay, which looking back, I think was primarily an old peoples` resort! Black gang Chine was good, though!
Again, a painful memory, and a life changing episode occured on one of these holidays. It actually sounds amusing, and I smile when I thinnk about it, but it has had a serious effect on my personality! I desperatly wanted to win a prize. There were Fancy dress competions, Talent contests, all sorts. And I entered every one! Some were stupid, some me (and My family) tried so hard to win..But I didn`t win anything. I still remember the feeling of being a loser, an outsider, and an "also ran", because rather than give out the prizes after the contest, they gave all the prizes out on the last day. So there I was, in a hall filled with winners, sitting there watching the other kids get their prizes and their parents smiling back at them, full of pride. I remember Crying, and feeling totally alone.
At 8 years old, My Father announced that he was leaving home. I don`t honestly remember my Father being home all that much anyway, as he was always working (allegedly), and I didn`t really understand what was happening, but I remember being upset anyway!
The first relationship my mother entered into after my father, was a young sweet guy called Andy. Unfortunately, he died of Cancer, aged 29.
Soon after, My Mum met a boyfriend, Vic, who happened to be a publican. Not long after, he got the license for a pub, so he took me, my Sister and my Mother off to Holloway, North London, and the "Holloway Tavern". It was a huge pub on the Holloway road. I must admit I LOVED London. I`d always had a fascination for our capital. I remember loving the old "Thames TV" logo, featuring various Landmarks.
From the back of the Pub, we had a clear, uninterrupted view of the Post Office Tower, (Now the Telecom tower), a famous and distinctive landmark. I used to stare at it at night for hours..the logo was lit up Blue, and it had red lights flashing on the top.
It`s a fascination that still stands today.
So, I started a new School, new friends (still no close ones though) and a new life. the overall feeling I get from holloway is one of Vibrance. The city air feels almost alive..and I also remember the sound (and distinctive smell) of the Holloway road Tube station, which was right next door to the pub.
We stayed in Holloway for just over a year, and in that time, we had a stabbing, two break-ins, and one ghost. But I did loved it there.
It was also while we were in Holloway that a new Pattern would emerge..domestic violence.
Vic and my Mum used to argue, and he would often beat her up, while me and my sister would sit in her bedroom and talk, trying to pretend we couldn`t hear what was happening, because we couldn`t do anything about it.
After Holloway, Vic got a pub License in Aylesbury, Buckinghamshire..or to put it another way..The country!
It was called the "Odd-fellows Arms" (don`t know why), and was an extremely old building, very creaky, and my bedroom was up in the attic, and was very cold and damp.
Aylesbury was, well, strange. Not ALL that different to Hounslow, but still, different.
I went to Elmhurst middle school, and I remember crying because I wanted to go to a comprehensive school, like I would have if I were in London. I felt like I was being put down a year!
I was never truly at ease in Aylesbury. I always felt like an "outsider", although it was fairly cool being thought of as "Hard" because I`d come from London!
In Aylesbury, the Violence continued. On more than one occasion we were uprooted in the middle of the night and taken back to Hounslow to stay with My Nan, because my Mum refused to stay. Did she go back? Of course she did!
This went on for a year, back and forth, so of course, I never made any real friends again..although maybe that`s not quite true. One of the only good things to come out of our "jaunts" around the country following my Mothers boyfriends, was that me and My Sister became Best friends. Neither of us were making any friends, so we used to hang around together, and really became best friends.
My Mum finally left Vic for good, and so we came back to the house we`d lived in before (in Cranford/Hounslow West), and I went to Heston school.
My Sister and I were no longer the close friends we were. We didn`t fall out, she just hooked up with her old friends, and I tried to make some new ones in my new School.
Heston school was very mixed. But there were some very wealthy families living locally, so I really didn`t fit in! They all went on Holiday to Spain and the USA, and places like that. I hadn`t been on holiday since I was 10! They all had Nike trainers and expensive clothing. I wore Cheap trainers (no street cred!) and my cousins hand me downs.
To counter this feeling of being inferior, I did two things. I lied a lot.. BIG, stupid lies that could NEVER have been true, and of course everyone knew it!
I also became very mouthy, and would often offer to fight people! Luckily, I was SO much shorter than all of them (I`m still only 5`3 today at 28, so You can imagine me at 11?!) that none of them took me seriously and just laughed!
So again, no close friends..and I was REALLY gonna need some..
 A childhood photograph of my Mother. |
My Mother met a man called Peter. He was an ex-Soldier..not sure what regiment, although there are rumours of him being a para.
He was a psycho. If I thought things were bad with My Mother getting beaten up by Vic..I was in for a shock.
Home went from being a place of warmth to a place of fear. It became cold, and dark, and scary.
I would spend as little time there as possible, as it seems as nightly, there would be screaming and shouting, breaking glass/plates etc.
My love of music comes from this time, as I would play my tapes on full volume, with my head under the pillow, to drown out the noise from the violence downstairs.
Not surprisingly, I wasn`t excelling at school. A couple of teachers did notice that I was intelligent and had potential, but nothing could really make me pay attention at school.
My paranoia, stemming from the "Stone throwing" incident from my junior school, was re-inforced by an incident at Heston.
It was the School assembly, and the whole school was in the main hall..maybe 600 kids?
And out of those 600 kids, the deputy head, A huge, rugby playing man, Stormed from the front of the hall, and singled me out..somewhere in the middle. He started screaming at me, and calling me a disgrace. What had I done? I had my hands in my pockets, and long hair. Now, bear in mind this was not one of those strict, public schools. This was a comprehensive, and out of the 600 kids in that hall, I would bet that 400 had their hands in their pockets, and as this was 1985, lots of boys had long hair. But I was deemed the "disgrace", and left feeling humiliated, and beaten.
I couldn`t wait to get out of there. Despite my mothers urging to go to college, or stay on until the sixth form, I had had enough. So we made a deal: If I found a job during the summer holidays, I could leave School.
So I looked, and not very hard, as living very close to Heathrow airport, there was lots of work, and I got a job, working for TNT, the international couriors, and SO I left School, and started work.
I started working for TNT, starting work at 5:30 in the morning, basically as a postman, although not to houses, rather Business` in the Heart of the City..London!
Yet again, I felt like such an outsider at Work. I still felt like a child in an adult world.(I WAS a child in an adult world!)
I had trouble expressing myself, I was nervous, and wary. Just before I`d left school, I`d found out that all the people I`d been hanging around with, my "friends", had a secret nick name for me, and would use it to talk about me, in front of me, without me knowing! They would all laugh as they talked about me in all sorts of situations, and it was funnier to them because I was listening, and had no idea who they were talking about.
So, here I was, a nervous, timid, wary child amongst all these adults, who seemed to inhabit another world!
I did enjoy the actual job, though. Walking the Streets of the City, at my leisure, being amongst Millionaires, secretaries, brokers, homeless..all of lifes chatacters in one small world. And of course, the Landmarks, and the Thames. To this day, if I`m unhappy or troubled, I head to the thames to sit and think.
My boss at TNT was a man by the name of Imad Ferzoli. He was Lebanese, and one of the most charismatic people it has ever been my honour to know. People would Flock to him, and hang on his every word. He had incredible presence, and a great sense of humour.
He really took me under his wing, and would often arrange it so that we travelled to London together.
But TNT was a corporate company (Corporate is my most HATED word in the English language!), and our department seemed to be causing them concern. We were making them huge amounts of money, but they were determined to break us up, and after many different attempts, they succeded. It was decided that the whole operation, thus far based in Hounslow, would be moved to Central London, to be "closer to the point of delivery". Ok, sounds fair, except the contents of those deliveries, and the vehicles to make those deliveries (including US, the "postmen") were still to be based in Hounslow. So, could we not just carry on working and come down with the vehicles that are going to be making the journey every day? "NO". Why not? "NO".
TNT had every oppurtunity to keep us all in jobs, but had no desire to, and instead told us of the "redundancy package"...Seeing as how our jobs still existed, and relocated, we were entitled to nothing! Thanks for the five years of service.
A handful of people were to be kept on, out of 22 I think it was 5, and those 5 would be picked based on attendence. Well, I was fucked! My attendence had been poor, I had to admit, so I knew that was it for me. But one thing that happened at this time, that i`ll never forget and that I still tell people to this day..
One guy, named Shane, had only been with TNT for a few months, and had an excellent record, in terms of attendence. He had however, taken a week off work after his MOTHER died of Cancer. Because of this weeks absence, he was told he no longer had a job. TNT Can, excuse my French, Go Fuck Themsleves! There is absolutly NO WAY anyone could ever justify THAT decision, ever, and if anyone ever attempted to, I would say (after many expletives,) take a long, hard look in the mirror.
So the TNT adventure was over, and it left a bitter taste. In more ways than one.
A girl named Lucy grimstone had started, and for the first in my life, I felt as though I had met "The one"!
We had such a chemistry, I thought she was beautiful, she thought I was funny, and when she kept asking me to go out for a drink, I felt sure it had finally happened for me. Unsure of what to do (as I`d never been HERE before!) I wrote her a letter, explaining how I felt. A few days later she called me, and said "I`m sorry, I was just being friendly!"
I was heartbroken..I had got my hopes up so high, and was destroyed! This had a terrible effect on me and my already shaky confidence..I went further back into my shell..
I finally left home, first living with my Sister in a very nice apartment, and then movving in with my father and his (now) Wife, Suzanne. This was only meant to be temporary, but in the end I stayed for 5 years! This caused some friction, as my Father seemed happy with this, but Suzanne was not, leading to a bit of a frosty atmosphere most of the time.
I also started working for my Fathers aircargo company at Heathrow, working permanent Night shift (I`m still there today).
I discovered the joy of nightclubs, and would frequently go out with my Sister and her friends. I loved to dance, and people told me I was very good.
One night we were at a club called "Royales" in Uxbridge. I was dancing when a girl asked me if I wanted to dance with her..I said I wasn`t sure (!) so she grabbed my hand and took me to the dance floor anyway! Her name was Marie, and she came home with me that night. We didn`t have sex (I was too scared that she was just drunk!) we just chatted, kissed a little bit, then fell asleep.
She then came around the next day..then the next day..then the next day..then she told me she loved me! I felt like I still didn`t know her..so I told her to back off a bit. She agreed, and so came around the next day, and the next day..and so on. Now, you have to understand, I had been alone all my life, no real friends, no Girlfriend, and suddenly, I had a shadow that wanted to be everywhere that I was. Certainly, a part of me was flattered, and touched. But it was too much for someone who had become so withdrawn and independent, so I broke us up. It was horrible, but I wasn`t happy, and anyway, I thought she`d be happier because I wasn`t exactly fun to be with.
I didn`t hear from her for a while, then she wrote to me and told me she had met someone else, was engaged, and was pregnant. This was about three months after we`d broken up. (No, it wasn`t mine!! We had only had sex once, I`d worn a condom, and the dates confirmed it anyway!)
After the baby was born, she bought her around to show me. The babys` name was Leanne, and she changed my life.
She was a tiny baby, no puppy fat or anything. And she wasn`t asleep, she was looking around the room. I still remember her sitting on my knee, facing me, looking around, and then something happened: She would look at me, this tiny, fragile baby, and when our eyes met, she would smile, then carry on looking around the room. Everytime her eyes met mine, she would smile.
I was touched, but began to reason that she may just be a happy, outgoing baby. But the more she met people, the more I realised she only did that with me. She seemed scared and nervous of strangers, but that first time we`d ever met, she seemed so happy to see me!
Me and Marie started seeing more of eachother, just as friends. She was still engaged to a guy called Darren, Leannes father. We became close, and she confided in me that she regretted being with Darren (although she ADORED Leanne), and it soon became obvious that we still cared for eachother.
We began an affair, and would often meet before I had to go to work.
Of course, Darren found out,and Marie left him and got her own flat.
At the start of the affair, we had talked about getting together, and I had explained my hesitance. I was too used to being alone, and didn`t want a relationship. And I definitely didn`t feel ready to be a role model for a baby. This was the understanding. The affair was a "freindship, with extras, nothing more!"
It continued like this for a couple of years. Marie even met other boyfriends, and each time we said that was "it". We would then go right ahead and carry on our affair anyway! In amongst all this, I had the Honour, of watching Leanne grow up. She meant SO much to me. I would often get depressed, when Marie and I were not seeing eachother (when she was with a new boyfriend) and incredibly lonely. I wanted to meet someone of my own. Someone like Marie, just a little more..."laid back?" Someone who would give me a little space, and time to get to know before declaring their love for me!
I would often get suicidal. I wasn`t happy living with my dad, I had no friends, I was lonely, had no Girlfriend..My mother was cracking up. All the years of abuse, and all the alcohol she was drinking to subdue the pain, she was like a stranger to me.
I was bailing Marie out of all her financial difficulties, and listening to her boyfriend problems, I was doing the same for My Sister, and felt like no one was there for me. Things would get serious and I would be terribly depressed, and then my angel would save me! Marie would bring Leanne to see me, and she would Light up into a HUGE grin, and hug me, and it was all so unconditional..she didn`t want anything from me..she was just pleased to see me, and it made me feel SO wanted, SO needed, so special.
I would spend all my money on Leanne, and Marie, just because she was Leannes Mother.
In between these visits (which became less and less), I took up weight training. I needed something to work off the stress I was feeling. I didn`t drink alcohol, I have never smoked, and would never take drugs. So I tried weights..and It was amazing!
It was fascinating watching my body change, like I was constructing something, creating something. After many failures, I was acheiving something! And people noticed, and that made me feel good. My confidence was sky high. It became something of an obsession, but I soon calmed down and fell into a regular routine.
It was this that really started me growing up. I felt that I finally had an identity, that I knew who I was, and I was happy with that!
"I had to let it happen, I had to change,
couldn`t stay all my life down at heel,
looking out of the window, staying out of the sun,
So I chose Freedom.."
At 26 something happened....I suddenly realised that I`d left school exactly ten years earlier. I started to ponder what I`d achieved in those ten years, and realised I`d actually done very little! Sure, I`d started body building and was doing quite well at it. I`d pretty much raised Leanne as my own, but now Marie had met another guy, and this time it was serious. His name was Jay, and Marie would go on to get engaged to him, and have another two children by him (Jessie and Jordan).
So I was seeing less of Marie AND leanne, I wasn`t going to the clubs much anymore. With me now working permanent night shift, the weight training was getting harder and harder.
So there I am, at 26, no friends, no girlfriend, My Sister off with her man, Marie with hers, My Mother cracking up, my Father indifferent. I was feeling very low. And incredibly alone.
So, I asked myself : "I`m not happy now, what would make me happy, regardless of what people might think or say, not worrying about anyone elses perception of right and wrong,,WHAT would make ME happy?"
There were a couple of answers. The first was to be accepted into an intelligent, friendly social group. My own friends. Well, as anyone who`s ever lived in London (especially Hounslow) will tell you, making new friends is easier said than done.
Another thing that would make me happy was to meet a beautiful, intelligent, mature, emotionally strong (but not cold) sensitive sexy woman. Again, it`s easy saying it...But...
I even though about suicide (again), but that would have been an admission of defeat, and I didn`t want to submit..
There was, however, one more thing....
Being raised by Women, strong powerful women, with no positive strong male influence, I was always very feminine in my outlook, mannerisms, and character. It hadn`t escaped many people`s notice that I also looked very feminine. And thanks to "Carrie Foster", played by Cyndi Wood in the film "Apocalypse Now", I had a real understanding and respect for the power a beautiful strong, sexy woman had over people. I first felt these three aspects come together when I was about 15 years old, but back then, being just a child, I thought to myself that this wasn`t the way boys are supposed to feel, or act, so I forgot about it, and moved on.
Over the years, strange things would happen. When I still worked for TNT, I would deliver mail to a building, and the security guy would say "Thanks, Love"!
Men would sound their horns as they drove their cars towards me! I used to get embarrased, and a little annoyed! I was a man, after all!
Without realising it, I was becoming fascinated with TV`s and drag queens. If there was one on television, I would be transfixed! I wasn`t aware of any obsession in this area, but I was aware of the power of the female thanks to Cyndi Wood, and a later experience further confirmed this.
Years earlier (I must have been about 16), I was in a car and My Sister was driving. We were stopped at traffic lights, and on the opposite side of the road, a white sports car pulled up at the red light. A blonde woman was driving it. She looked in the rear view mirror and tousled her hair.
"Women are SO sexy!" I exclaimed, because of the effect this simple gesture had had on me. My Sister laughed, and simply said "Yep!" I hadn`t realised, but she had seen this too, and understood exactly what I meant!
I gave a lot of thought to this over the years. How a sexy, beautiful woman has a power over almost everyone, including men, other women, even Gay guys can appreciate this power!
And then there was me. At 5`3, plain looking (at best) I certainly didn`t turn heads. In fact, I was SO starved of attention, I wondered if anyone would notice if I did kill myself.
So, at 26 years old, and a ten year "adulthood" behind me with nothing to show for it, I had asked the question, "What would make me happy?" The answer? To try cross-dressing!
I pretty much started right away, starting as they all do..with underwear!
I would go to Marks and Spencer, buy matching Bras and panties, then go home and try them on for half an hour, before putting them in a drawer.
I then thought, even though I`m not going outdoors, doesn`t mean I can`t buy outdoor clothes.
So I started shopping for clothes. I was dressing as a woman of my age would, shopping where they would.
My hair was fairly long anyway (always has been), and I`d stopped the weight training and was dieting to lose what Muscle mass I could.
I then experimented with make up. It was terrible at first! I just couldn`t see how it all went on! So, I bought a make up book, the "Mary Quaint Book of Make up and beauty"!
It was a Godsend! I loved trying things out and experimenting. I slowly got the hang of it. NOW I wanted the attention!
I started going for walks around my Neighbourhood at night. Always weeknights, always around 1-2 am. I had a few drivers offer me lifts which was quite scary (I had NO idea men actually did this!).
My confidence High, I decided to go out, one DAY, to London to do some shopping. If those drivers couldn`t tell I was a man, Why should anyone else?
Unfortunately, my make up skills weren`t THAT honed yet, and that, combined with the harsh lighting on the London Underground, meant I didn`t stand a chance!
Girls pointed on the way there..A group of boys made fun on the way back (I pretended to be asleep for THAT part..)
I wasn`t totally put off dressing up, just I decided not to go around in daylight, in crowded places I was unsafe in.
SO I started checking out the London TV clubscene. The "WayOut" club I first heard about on Television, So I found the address, and went down there. It is based at Tower Hill, and they provide a changing room, which meant I could travel there and back as a man.
The first time I went there..well..it was a shock. I had been dressing for two months, but had never seen another TV before, only on television, and they are always glamorous Drag Queens. So that`s what I was expecting..
What I got, was middle aged men..who didn`t look like Drag Queens, or women...they looked like men..dressed as women!
Even though I was there dressed up as a woman myself, I was still shocked. It got more bizarre as a really tall, muscular Guy in a Blonde wig, and extremely deep, masculine voice came up to me and said "`Ello, My name`s Sarah"
I was petrified, but `She` was really friendly, in fact everyone was, and I started going regularly.
In March `99, I finally found Peace at home. After living with Pyschos, women beaters, and living in various atmospheres of unhappiness, I moved into my own flat in Feltham, a part of Hounslow. It`s a very rough, working class town. All the kids aged 8 or over smoke, violent crime is rife, drug use is everywhere. Lot`s of jobless people, vandalism, Alcoholism. And I`ve never been happier!! Because when I close my front door, I`m HOME. I`m in my own space free to be myself.
Soon after I moved in, my newfound peace was shattered by a message left on my answer machine one morning after I`d finished work. It went something like:
"Hi Dan, this is Marie, just ringing to let you know that you might want to ring me this weekend and speak to Leanne, it`s probably the last time you`ll ever speak to her, she`s going to live with Darren."
Darren, of course , was Leannes father. Having had two more kids with Jay, she felt she couldn`t cope with Leanne, and so Darren was going to have her. I don`t think she meant the message to sound as heartless as it did..I just think she never really knew how much Leanne meant to me. I never have seen Leanne again.
I was now working four on, four off, permanent night shift, which meant there were some Weeks I couldn`t go to Wayout,as I was working on that Saturday. So I started looking for a weekday venue. I found the Philbeach Hotel.
A Gay hotel, in Earls court, the Philbeach is also very TV friendly, and in fact there are usually more TV`s in the place then there are Gay guys!
Every Monday, the hotel bar runs a promotion for TV`s and admirers, and so I gave it a whirl.
I assumed it would be a club with dance music, as the Wayout was. Nope! It was a lounge bar, and the music was subdued, and the atmosphere relaxed. And there was me, in a bra top and hot pants!
Still, I really grew attached to the place, and started going more and more, and eventually stoppped going to Wayout altogether!
It has become my home from home, a place where I feel totally relaxed, where I can be myself. I`ve made many friends there, particularly with the people who work there.
The people who frequent the Philbeach tend to be (although by no means are exclusivly) middle class. And this exposure to a world otherwise hidden from me has had enormous benifits. I`ve embraced culture like never before, suddenly noticing films other than the Hollywood blockbusters, finding myself enjoying classical music, and other types I wouldn`t have accepted before. I notice architecture now. I`ve really started to open my eyes..why, I even started drinking alcohol!
Of course it hasn`t all been good. the one constant thread in my life has been lonliness and exclusion. I really felt that by entering this scene, I would at last find people I have something in common with, and
find a true best friend. I also thought that By entering this world, I may find a permanent escape from my past, from Hounslow, and start a new, cultured and rich life. And, I thought, I may find that special someone at last!
In response to all that, I still don`t feel like I`ve met anyone I have anything in common with! No one else can seem to understand why I dress, they all seem to dress for a reason different to mine!
Going out on this scene DOES provide an escape from "This Life", but it`s not the total escape I crave, it`s only for one night at a time.
And as for finding someone special, it`s not on the cards yet. Being Transgendered in the year 2000 is like being a woman in the 1900`s..you`re supposed to look pretty, and be quiet. No one is intersted in your personality, your opinions, nothing! Just shut up, and suck this! It seems to be all about sex, no one else seems to be looking for that special someone, and that goes for the few women on this scene too. They are as bad as the men, for being only interested in one thing.
So that has come as a huge dissapointment.
But, after these last 29 years, I`m doing Ok. I still get lonely, of course. I still get depressed. But, I can honestly say, with my hand on my heart, I think I`m great! I`m still learning and growing, but at least I`m trying. I never sold my soul out, and I`m always true to myself. No matter how lonely I get, I`ll never settle for less than what I`m looking for.
And as for the future?
Well, I still love exploring my feminine side. I think I look great! Click here to see for yourselves. And I`m having a blast, but I really am getting tired of the scene, and I miss doing weights, and I miss having shorter hair!
My job is still tough, and I still feel I`m worth so much more than to be working night shift in a cargo warehouse. But Like Bill Hicks said, life is "Just a ride", and it`s really not that important. I still believe a great oppurtunity will present itself when the time is right.
And of course, I still want to meet my soul mate. I look around and everyone has somebody, or at the very least has HAD somebody. All my life I`ve felt like an outsider, like life was keeping me at a distance, apart from the others. Whilst some people are looking to be rich, others Famous, all I`m looking for is to belong. To belong to someone, to belong with someone. That one thing that everyone else I meet has, and takes for granted is the one thing that always seems to elude me. I`m so tired of being "Dan + Guest" on the wedding invites..in fact, and this is the gospel truth, people don`t even bother putting "Guest" on there anymore! They know I`m gonna be alone. My Sister says It`s my fault for being too independent, which is kind of like saying to an Ethiopean it`s their fault for being hungry! If they have no food, they are hungry, it`s not a choice. And I don`t choose to be independant, It`s just turned out that way. So, this is where I find myself today. I know it paints a depressing picture, but really I`m doing OK. I am VERY lucky in that I`ve had a lot of time to myself to really know myself. I have an identity now, I`m very sure of myself. I know who I am, and why I am the way I am, which is a luxury many people don`t have, they are sheep, just following the herd without ever stopping to think why. And as lonely as I am, I wouldn`t change a thing about me to change that. I want to be accepted for who I am, and nothing more. Another of My Sisters snippets of advice to find a partner was to get a nice car, but I really don`t want someone to be with me because I happen to drive a car!! I want someone to be with me for me, and what I have to offer, which is loyalty, and faithfullness. I have lots to offer someone with the intelligence to appreciate what it is I have to offer, for the people who don`t understand that, I`m not interested in them anyway! For those who understand, no explanation is necessary, for those who don`t understand, no explanation will ever do.