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Quick thinking
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria!
TEACHER: Why are you late, Frank?
FRANK: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
FRANK: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables!
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it s wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O!!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O!
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
TEACHER: Goss, why do you always get so dirty?
GOSS: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."
MILLIE: I is...
TEACHER: No, Millie... Always say, "I am."
MILLIE: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
TEACHER: Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?
TINO: Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time."
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
LOUIS: Because George still had the ax in his hand.
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, teacher, it's the same dog!;
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher.
Whose Really the Dumbest
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you." The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves. "What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.
"Hey, son! May I ask you a question?
Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"
The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!"
Asking for a Raise
"I have to have a raise," an employee told his manager. "There are three other companies after me."
"Is that so?" asked the manager. "What other companies are after you?"
"The electric company, the telephone company and the gas company."
Robber
A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21."
The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it overand agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.
Kill who?
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away.
Steven Wright
If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the guy who once said: "I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen...and replaced by exact duplicates." Here are some more of his gems:
1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
I am a Father
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way.
The man, who was a priest, said "I am a Father".
The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that".
The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of many."
The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way."
The priest getting impatient said "I am the Father of hundreds," and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly...but on leaving the bus he leaned over and said: "Well, maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar".
Geezer quicky
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280 Interstate. Please be careful!" "It's not just one car," said Herman. "It's hundreds of them!"
Math Lesson
A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...." His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom." "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes," he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?" The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?" After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
Forgive your enemies!!
A preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used "Forgive Your Enemies" as his subject. After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies. About half held up their hands. Not satisfied he preached for another twenty minutes and repeated his question. This time he received a response of about 80 percent. Still unsatisfied, he preached for another 15 minutes and repeated his question. With all thoughts now on Sunday dinner, all responded except one elderly lady in the rear. "Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any."
"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-three."
"Mrs. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person can live to be ninety-three, and not have an enemy in the world."
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, very slowly turned around and said, "It's easy. I just outlived the bitches."
U.S.History Lessons:
It was the first day of school and a new student named Yoshi, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the seventh grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. "Who said `Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'" She saw a sea of blank faces except for Yoshi. "Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.
"Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'?" Again, no response except from Yoshi: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863.", said Yoshi.
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Yoshi, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."
She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Japs."
"Who said that?" she demanded. Yoshi put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glares and demands, "All right! Now, who who said that?" Again, Yoshi says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah, Yoshi? You Suck!" Yoshi jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you with my bare hands." Yoshi frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001."
The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, now we're in BIG trouble!" ... and Yoshi said, "Arthur Andersen, 2001."
QUESTIONS TO CONSIDER...
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
What is the difference between a slim chance and a fat chance?
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
If horrific means horrible, does terrific mean terrible?
Why isn't 11 pronounced onety-one?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IVs as 4s?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
If you mixed vodka & orange juice with milk of magnesia, would you get a Philip's Screw Driver?
If a pig loses his voice, is it disgruntled?
I am is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Couldit be that I do is the longest sentence?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing nightgowns?
Why do they say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
If you throw a cat out of the car window, does it become kitty litter?
If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?
What do people in China call their good plates?
What do you call a male ladybird?
What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why do they sterilise the needle for lethal injections?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work?
If the 7 11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why does it have locks on the door?
If a fire-fighter fights fire and a crime fighter fights crime, what does a freedom fighter fight?
If they squeeze olives to get olive oil, how do they get baby oil?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
What do chickens think we taste like?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
Why are there flotation devices in the seats of planes instead of parachutes?
Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations where smoking is prohibited?
Why is a bra singular and panties plural?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes?
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on,what happens?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of a drive-up ATM?
Why is it that when you transport something by car it is called shipment, but when you transport something by ship it's called cargo?
What would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an airplane?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Job opportunity and e-mail:
A jobless guy applied to Microsoft as a cleaning service. After a test (cleaning toilet, etc.), the HR informed him that he got the job and asked his email address for the letter of appointment and other documents. The guy then said "I don't have a computer, let alone an email address". The HR then informed him that without email address his is virtually does not exists, thus Microsoft can not employ him.
Disappointed, he left the building and he has only $10 in his pocket. He then went to a nearby market and bought 10Kg of potatos. Then he went to neigbourhood and sold the potatos from door to door. After two hours, he managed to sold all the potatos and profited for 100%. Few times he repeated the exercises and few times he gained 100% profit thus double his capital. He realized he can survived in this way. Then, he seriously worked into this business. With some variety of commodities (creativity) plus hard working, he managed to grow his business. He then bought a car and distributed the stuffs. Within 5 years, his business become a giant door-to-door market service where people can buy fresh vegies and fruits at the doorstep.
The guy then started to think about his future and his family. He wanted to buy an insurance for himself, so he called an insurance agent. After sales agreement, the insurance agent asked the guy email address for future contacts.
He then said again "I don't have a computer, let alone an email address".
The insurance agent then said "That's very pathetic. You own a giant business, but yet do not have an email address. Imagine what you can do if you have a computer and an email address".
The man answered "I would have been a Microsoft's cleaning service guy"..
Lessons to learn:
1. Without Internet or email, you still can survive and become a millionaire if you work hard.
2. You need email address if you want to work in Microsoft.
3. Because you have email, then higher chance that you become a cleaner than a millionaire.
Computer Gender?
Le Computer
A language instructor was explaining to her class that in French, nouns unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.
"House," in French, is feminine -- "la maison."
"Pencil," in French, is masculine -- "le crayon."
One puzzled student asked, "What gender is computer?"
The teacher did not know, and the word wasn't in her French dictionary. So for fun she split the class into two groups appropriately enough, by gender, and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or feminine noun.
Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation.
The men's group decided that computers should definitely be of the feminine order ("la computer"), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay check on accessories for it.
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("le computer"), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you'd waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The Women won.
Don't you love fairy godmothers!!!!!
A couple had been married for 40 years and also celebrated their 60th birthdays. During the celebration, a fairy godmother appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each.
Being the faithful, loving spouse for all these years, naturally the wife wanted for her and her husband to have a romantic vacation together, so she wished for them to travel around the world. The fairy godmother waved her wand and boom! She had the tickets in her hand.
Next, it was the husband's turn and the fairy godmother assured him he could have any wish he wanted, all he needed to do was ask for his heart's desire. He paused for a moment, then said, "Well, honestly, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than me." The fairy godmother picked up her wand and boom! He was 90!!!
Just don't get it:
CAR TROUBLE There are four engineers traveling in a car; a mechanical engineer, a chemical engineer, an electrical engineer and a computer engineer. The car breaks down.
-- "Sounds to me as if the pistons have seized. We'll have to strip down the engine before we can get the car working again", says the mechanical engineer.
-- "Well", says the chemical engineer, "it sounded to me as if the fuel might be contaminated. I think we should clear out the fuel system."
-- "I thought it might be an grounding problem", says the electrical engineer, "or maybe a faulty plug lead."
-- They all turn to the computer engineer wwho has said nothing and say: "Well, what do you think?" "Ummm - perhaps if we all get out of the car and get back in again?"
Impact on History:
- "People that are really very weird can geet into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history." ...George W. Bush
- "I stand by all the misstatements that I''ve made." ...George W. Bush to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/93
- "We have a firm commitment to NATO, we arre a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe." ...George W. Bush
- "Public speaking is very easy." ...Georgee W. Bush to reporters. "I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican" ...George W. Bush
- "A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls." ...George W. Bush
- "We are ready for any unforeseen event thhat may or may not occur." ...George W. Bush 9/22/97
- "For NASA, space is still a high priorityy." ...George W. Bush, 9/5/93
- "Quite frankly, teachers are the only proofession that teach our children."...George W. Bush, 9/18/95
- "The American people would not want to knnow of any misquotes that George Bush may or may not make." ...George W. Bush
- "We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made." ...Governor George W. Bush
- "It isn't pollution that's harming the ennvironment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." ...George W. Bush
- "[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system." ...George W.Bush
White House Story:
While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they're intelligent.
"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?" Tony Blair responds ,"It's me, ma'am."
"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"
"Yes, ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"
Upon returning to Washington, he decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."
"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"
"Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?"
Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. Helms immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.
"Now lookee here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you dumb cracker." Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"
And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you dumb shit, it's Tony Blair!"
Loop:
There was this guy who worked with a help desk for a big Broadcasting company. One day, this lady called in because she didn't know why her computer wouldn't come on. He then asked her, "Did you plug it in?" She says "Yes." He then asked her, "Did you turn in on?" She said "Yes. What do you think I am? Some kind of idiot?" So, he goes and takes a look at her computer. She goes, "See? I plugged the computer into the surge protector." The guy goes, "Yea, but you plugged the surge protector into itself."
Madness:
A State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. The officer turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car he notices there are five elderly women wide-eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver says, "Officer, I don't understand, I was going the speed limit! What is the problem?" "Ma'am, you weren't speeding, you were going slower than the speed limit." "Slower than the speed limit?" she asks. "No Sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly ... 22 MPH," she explains. The officer explains to her that "22" is the route number, not the speed limit.
Embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer. "But before I let you go, Ma'am, is everyone in your car okay? Your passengers seem to be shaken and haven't muttered a single peep," observed the officer. "Oh, they're all right Officer, we just got off Route ll9."
So much for rules:
The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and called him into his office. "What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.
"John," the new guy replied.
The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"
The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. John Darling."
"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."
Scientists on Train:
One of the world's greatest scientists was also recognized as the original absent-minded professor. One day, on board a train, he was unable to find his ticket. The conductor said, Take it easy. You'll find it. When the conductor returned, the professor still couldn't find the ticket. The conductor, recognizing the famous scientist, said, I'm sure you bought a ticket. Forget about it. You're very kind, he said, but I must find it, otherwise I won't know where to get off.
GM & Bill:
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon." In response to Mr. Gates' comments, General Motors issued the following press release (by Mr. Welch himself, the GM CEO) "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice daily.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver, such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
4. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But then you would have to buy more seats.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive.
6. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by one "general car default" warning light.
7. New seats would force everyone to have the same size bottom.
8. The airbag system would say ("Are you sure?" before going off).
9. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
10. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice department.
11. Every time GM introduced a new model car, buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
12. You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.
Proud Mamas:
Four mothers got together and were discussing their sons. "Our family has a Royal blood." said the first proud woman. "When my son enters a room, people look at him and say, 'Oh, Your Highness'" The second mother went on, "My son is a bishop. When he enters a room, people say, 'Oh, Your Excellency'" "My son is a cardinal." continued the next one. "When he enters a room, people say, 'Oh, Your Eminence'" The fourth mother thought for a moment. "My son is short, weighs 185 kilos, and bald," she said, "When he enters a room, people look at him and say, 'Oh My God!'"
Footsteps:
An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about her then-four-year-old daughter. On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it. Be still, my heart, thought my friend, my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!
Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take you order?"
Nothing is more profound than the truth:
1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
11. Only in America......can a homeless combat veteran live in a cardboard box and a draft dodger live in the White House.
Honey:
"That's OK honey. No problem. I hope you have a good time. See you later". Then she puts down the receiver. "Who was that?", asks the man lying besides her in bed. "My husband", she replies. "What did he want?". "Nothing, he said he would be home late today. He's somewhere shooting pool with you and some other colleagues".
The Customer is Always Right:
-"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I helpp you?"
-"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPeerfect."
-"What sort of trouble?"
-"Well, I was just typing along and all of a sudden the words went away."
-"Went away?"
-"They disappeared."
-"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
-"Nothing."
-"Nothing?"
-"It's blank; it won't accept anything whenn I type."
-"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
-"How do I tell?"
-"Can you see the C: prompt on your screen??"
-"What's a sea-prompt?"
-"Never mind. Can you move the cursor arouund on the screen?"
-"There isn't any cursor. I told you, it wwon't accept anything I type."
-"Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
-"What's a monitor?"
-"It's the thing with the screen that lookss like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
-"I don't know."
-"Well, then look on the back of the monitoor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
-"Yes, I think so."
-"Great. Follow the cord to the plug and ttell me if it's plugged into the wall."
-"...........Yes, it is."
-"When you were behind the monitor, did youu notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
-"No."
-"Well, there are. I need you to look backk there again and find the other cable."
-".........Okay, here it is."
-"Follow it for me and tell me if it's pluggged securely into the back of your computer."
-"I can't reach."
-"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
> -"No."
-"Even if you maybe put your knee on somethhing and lean way over?"
-"Oh, it's not because I don't have the rigght angle--it's because it's dark."
-"Dark?"
-"Yes, the office light is off, and the onlly light I have is coming from the window."
-"Well, turn on the office light then."
> -"I can't."
-"No? Why not?"
-"Because there's a power cut."
-"A power...A power cut? A-ha. Okay, we'vve got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
-"Well, yes. I keep them in the closet." -"Good. Go get them and unplug your systemm and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
-"Really? Is it that bad?"
-"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
-"Well, all right then, I suppose. What doo I tell them?"
-"Tell them that you're too $#@%! stupid too own a computer."
His Ashes
A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make them a few drinks, and as he's standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel. He picks it up, and as he's looking at it, she walks back in. He says "What's this?" She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there." He goes, "Jeez...oooh....I..." She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray."
The Fastest Dad:
Three kids get into boasting about their dads. "My dad is so fast that he can shoot an arrow and then run himself to catch the arrow!", said one of the kids "My dad is even faster - he can shoot a deer and run ahead of the bullet to catch it as it is coming out from the other side of the animal", said the second child. "This is nothing. My dad is a civil servant. He leaves office at 4:30 and is home at 3:30!" said the third.
Great Thinkers:
1. Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever." ---Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest
2. "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff." ---Mariah Carey
3. "Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but I can't remember what they are." --Matt Lauer on NBC's Today Show, August 22
4."I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law." David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.
5."Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life." ---Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti- smoking campaign.
6. "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." --Winston Bennett, Univ. of KY basketball forward
7. "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country." -Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC
8. "We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees." ---Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks
9."I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.
10. "China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese." ---Former French President Charlie De Gaulle
11."That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it." ---A Congressional Candidate in Texas
12. "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." ---Former U S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
13. "Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind." --General William Westmoreland
And last but not least-a parting word from Dan Quayle:
14. "I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." Makes you feel pretty smart doesn't it?
In her own eyes:
In her own eyes, Esther was the most popular girl around. "A lot of men are gonna be totally miserable when I marry."
"Really ?" said her date, "And just how many men are you intending to marry?"
Questions in court:
These are 30 things people actually said in court, word for word.
1. Q: What is your date of birth? A: July fifteenth. Q: What year? A: Every year.
2. Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
3. Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? A: Yes. Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? A: I forget. Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
4. Q: How old is your son, the one living with you. A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. Q: How long has he lived with you? A: Forty-five years.
5. Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning? A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" Q: And why did that upset you? A: My name is Susan.
6. Q: And where was the location of the accident? A: Approximately milepost 499. Q: And where is milepost 499? A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
7. Q: Sir, what is your IQ? A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
8. Q: Did you blow your horn or anything? A: After the accident? Q: Before the accident. A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
9. Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult? A: We both do. Q: Voodoo? A: We do. Q: You do? A: Yes, voodoo.
10. Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing? A: Yes. Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car? A: Yes, sir. Q: What did she say? A: What disco am I at?
11. Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
12. Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
13. Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
14. Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
15. Q: Did he kill you?
16. Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
17. Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
18. Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
19. Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? A: Yes. Q: And what were you doing at that time?
20. Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None. Q: Were there any girls?
21. Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement? A: Yes. Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
22. Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you? A: I went to Europe, Sir. Q: And you took your new wife?
23. Q: How was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
24. Q: Can you describe the individual? A: He was about medium height and had a beard. Q: Was this a male, or a female?
25. Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
26. Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
27. Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to? A: Oral.
28. Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
29. Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
30. Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? A: No. Q: Did you check for blood pressure? A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing? A: No. Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? A: No. Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless? A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
Tips from Martha Stewart:
Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.
Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.
Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.
Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected.)
If a person is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.
Insurance:
Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI Insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch.
Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recurits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI Insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000."
"Now", he concluded, "which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"
Dream:
After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for my birthday today, what do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight." her husband replied. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it -
- to find a book entitled "The Meaning of DDreams"
Tech Support:
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in the performance of flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0 In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?
Desperate
Dear Desperate,
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command: C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications: Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0.
But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create SnoringLoudly.WAV files.
DO NOT install Mother-In-Law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited Memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 6.9. Good Luck,
Tech Support
Amusing:
To Technical Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 6.3, Beer at the Pub 2.5 and Sunday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications. I am thinking about going to Girlfriend 8.0, but uninstall does not work on this program.
Can you help me, please!!!
Thanks, Joe
*********
Dear Joe:
This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT" program. Not true! Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under "Warnings-Alimony/Child Support," I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults(GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause. The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\ APOLOGIZE. In any case avoid excessive use of the "Esc" key because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will return to normal. The system will run smooth as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1, Chocolates 5.0 and, as a last resort, Diamond Bracelet 4.2 or even BMW Z3. Do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Huge Boobs 2001. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible and incredibly expensive damage to the operating system.
Best of luck.
Tech Support
Who's nuts:
FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues. The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI because they were taping all conversations at the hospital.
Agent: Hello. I'd like to order 19 large pizzas and 3 cases of soda.
Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?
Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital.
Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.
Pizza Man: You're an FBI agent?
Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.
Pizza Man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front doors. We have them locked. You'll have to go around to the back service entrance to deliver the pizzas.
Pizza Man: And you say you're all FBI agents?
Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?
Pizza Man: Everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?
Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving.
Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this?
Agent: We've collected a pool of cash.
Pizza Man: And you're all FBI agents?
Agent: Yes.
Pizza Man: With guns?
Agent: That's right. Now, can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked.
Pizza Man: No f-in' way. *Click*
Test:
Three old men are at the doctor for a memory test.
The doctor says to the first old man, "What is three times three?" "274" was his reply.
The doctor worriedly says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?" "Tuesday" replies the second man.
The doctor sadly says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three"? "Nine" says the third man.
"That's great!" exclaims the doctor. "How did you get that"? "Jeez, Doc, it's pretty simple," says the third man. "I just subtracted 274 from Tuesday.
When you eliminate the impossible....?
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up and tell me what you see." Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."
Holmes asks, "What does that tell you?"
Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."
An email:
It seems there was this couple from Buffalo, New York, who decided to go to Florida for a few days to thaw out during one particularly cold winter.
Since both spouses worked, they had difficulty coordinating their schedules, so the decision was made to have the husband leave for Florida on a certain day with the wife following him one day later. The man made it down to Florida and arrived at his hotel. Upon getting to his room, he decided to open his laptop and send his wife back in Buffalo an email. However he left off one letter in typing his wife's email address and sent the email off without realizing his error.
In another part of the country, a widow had just returned from the funeral of her husband, a Lutheran pastor of many years who had been called to glory just a few days earlier. She decided to check her email because she was expecting to hear from her husband's relatives and friends. Upon reading the first email she let out a loud scream, fainted and fell to the floor. The woman's son rushed into the room and found his mother on the floor. He glanced up at the computer screen and saw the following email message: To my Loving Wife: I've just been checked in. Everything has been prepared for your arrival here tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then.
Your Devoted Husband.
PS. Sure is hot down here.
Sometimes there's a choice; sometimes not!
A man was walking down a dark alley when suddenly a mugger jumped at him.
"Your money or your life" the mugger barked.
"You mean I have a choice?!!" said this man. "Here take this...."
He pulled out his wallet and gave it to the mugger.
"And this...usually this is secret money". He removed his cap and flipped it around and there! Some more money! "Wait! Here is my card. Feel free to contact me whenever you have a cash crunch!"
The mugger left confused and dazed.
"Such a nice fellow!" sobbed this man. "He gave me a choice. At home I have no choice.... my wife takes them both!"
A minute:
The blond called up the airline ticket counter and asked, "How long are your flights from Los Angeles to Phoenix?" The counterman answered, "Just a minute." At which, the blond thanked him and hung up.
Laughter:
You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stop laughing

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