This a collection of my favorite jokes, and such from the web. :)

The Bridge A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden he said out loud, "Lord, grant me one wish". Suddenly, the sky clouded overhead and the Lord said in a booming voice, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish". The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want to." The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logististics of such an undertaking. The supports reaching to the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little time and think of another wish - one that would honor and glorify me."  The man thought for a long, long time and finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say nothing, and how I can make a woman truly happy."   After a few minutes God said, "You want 2 or 4 lanes on that bridge?"

Colors I didn't know if my Granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask her what color it was. Even though she was always correct it was fun for me, so I continued to ask her. At last, she headed for the door saying, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself."

The Burglar and the Parrot A burglar breaks into a house in the richer part of town. He's sure that there's nobody home, but he sneeks in doesn't turn on any lights and heads to where the valuables are kept. He hears a voice say, "I can see you! Jesus can see you too!"  He freezes in his tracks and doesn't move a muscle. A couple of minutes goes by. The voice repeats, "I can see you! Jesus can see you too!"  He slowly takes out his flashlight, switches it on and looks around the room.  He sees a bird cage with a parrot in it. "Did you say that?" the burglar asked.  The parrot says again, "I can see you! Jesus can see you too!"  The burglar says, "Hah! So what? Your just a parrot!"  "I may just be a parrot," replies the parrot "but Jesus is a Doberman!"

The Jewish Samuri Back in the time of the Samuri, there was a powerful emperor who needed a new head Samuri. So, he sent out a declaration throught the country that he needed one. A year passed by and only 3 showed up: a Japanese Samuri, a Chinese Samuri and a Jewish Samuri. The emperor asked the Japanese Samuri to come in and demonstrate why he should be the head Samuri. The Japanese Samuri opened a matchbook and out popped a little fly. Whoosh, goes his sword and the fly drops dead on the ground in 2 pieces. The emperor exclaimed, "Very impressive!".  The emperor then asked the Chinese Saumri to come in and demonstrate. The Chinese Samuri also opens a matchbook and out popped a fly. Whoosh, whoosh goes his sword and the fly drops dead on the ground in 4 pieces.  The emperor exclaimed, "That is really very impressive!".  The emperor then had the Jewish Samuri come in and demonstrate why he should be the head Samuri. The Jewish Samuri also opened a matchbook and out popped a little fly. His flashing sword goes, whooooooshhhhh whoooooshhhhhh whooooooooosh.  A gust of wind fills the room, but the fly is still alive and buzzing around. The emperor, obviously disappointed asks, "After all of that, why is the fly not dead?".  The Jewish Samuri smiled and said, "Well, circumsicion is not intended to kill."

Apples and Oranges Children were lined up in a cafeteria of a Catholic school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note that said, "Take one apple, God is watching". Moving through the line, to the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A little boy wrote a note that said: "Take all you want, God is watching the apples!"

2 Boys A desperate young mother had two incorrigible boys. After exhausting all suggestions for controlling the little hellians she tried one last approach - she took them to the meanest preacher in the town for a lecture. First, the oldest boy was admitted into the stern preacher's study. Glaring at the boy from behind the desk, the preacher waited a few minutes then challenged the boy, "Young man, where is God?". The boy was stunned to silence. The preacher rose part way out of his chair and repeated the question, "WHERE IS GOD?!".  At this, the boy leaped out of his chair and bolted out the door, running headlong into his brother. "What's wrong? What's the matter?" his brother asked.  "It's awful! The church lost God and they're blaming us!"

The Boss' Phone Call The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered,"Hello?". Feeling put out at having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your daddy there?".  "Yes," whispered the small voice. "May I talk with him?" the man asked. To the surprise of the boss the child whispered, "No."  Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your mommy there?" The child whispered, "Yes." "May I talk with her?"  Again the small voice  whispered, "No."  Knowing that it was not likely that the young child had been left home alone, the boss decided that he would leave a message with the person that was there watching the child. "Is there anyone there besides you?" the boss asked. "Yes." whispered the child "A policeman."  "May I speak with the policeman?"  "No, he's busy." whispered the child.  "Busy doing what?" the man asked. "Talking to mommy and daddy and the fireman" came the whispered answer. Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone. The man asked, "What was that?"  "A hello-copter." answered the whispered voice. "What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed. In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copter."  Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "Why are they there?"  Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle, "They're looking for me."

Boy Scouts Two boy scouts went on a nature hike in the hills picking hickory nuts. Along the way, they filled their small pails and pockets and shirts. When they could hold no more nuts they started across the country road until they came to a cemetary. The boys decided that would be a good place to stop and rest and divide out the nuts. The two boys sat in the shade of a large oak tree and unloaded their nuts into one big pile. In the process, two of them rolled away and rested near the road. The boys proceeded to divide the nuts. "One for you. One for me. One for you. One for me."  As, they were doing this another boy was passing by and heard them. He looked into the cemetary, but couldn't see the boys, because they were hidden by the oak tree. He hesitated for a moment then ran back to town. "Dad, Dad!" he yelled as he entered his house. "The cemetary - come quick!"  "What's the matter?" his father asked. "No time to explain," the boy frantically panted. "Come with me!"  The boy and his father ran up the country road and stopped when they reached the cemetary. They stopped at the road and all fell silent for a minute. Then the father asked his son what was wrong. "Did you hear that?" he whispered. They both listened intently and finally heard the scouts. "One for you, one for me. One for you...."  The boy then blurted out, "The devil and the Lord are dividing the souls!"  The father was skeptical but silent --- until a few moments later as the Scouts finished dividing out the nuts and one said to the other, "Now, as soon as we get those two nuts by the road, we'll have them all."

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began "I can explain".  "Just be quiet." said the officer, "I am going to let you sit in jail and cool your heels until the cheif gets back....   "But Officer, I just wanted to say....."  "And I said to keep quiet! Your going to jail!" yelled the officer. A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you the cheif is at his daughter's wedding. He should be in a good mood when he gets back."  "Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell, "I'm the groom".

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