Nicole
Everyday used to be a roller coaster ride for me, some days I would be up and cheerful, and the next day I am so far down, and I wanted to cry and stay in bed. At times a I felt no one knew what I was going through, and it was impossible for anyone to help me. There are periods of time where days I couldn�t get out of bed without assistance. I would wake up and would have lost the use of one or both of my arms and hands. Try picturing for just a moment what it would be like not having enough strength to open your refrigerator, or not having enough grip in your hand to hold a cup to drink. When it takes every ounce of energy to do the simplest things that most take for granted. I was unable to drive, because I couldn�t lift my leg high enough to put it in the car, or not have the strength in my hands and arms to open the car door or to turn the steering wheel.
When I thought about writing this, it started out as therapy for me. I wanted to write everything that I have been through. It is an outlet for me to tell people who might not understand what you are going through. For us who have this disease we never get tired of hearing about it, learning about it, or talking about it. Eventually family and friends get tired of hearing about us being sick all the time. They can�t possibly understand what we are going through, and the worst part is they can�t help us, they have to sit and watch us decline slowly, and that in itself has to be hard for them.
The countless number of stories I have read about people who have suffered months, and sometimes years without a correct diagnosis. I watched my aunt go through years without a correct diagnosis. I watched her go from a strong willed healthy woman to a to helpless weak woman who depended on others for everything. Nine years later she is doing better with the help of antibiotics. She is my strength, I know that she walks talks and breaths, and has Lyme and is walking proof there is life with Lyme.
After all the tests that my Dr ran and after they came back negative, I am embarrassed to mention the feeling I had when I was actually hoping the my test for Lyme Disease came back positive just to prove to and everyone else that I was not going crazy. Then when it came back positive I had a warped sense of relief, because there is something really wrong with me, along with a terrifying feeling of what was yet to come.
There are times that I want to be mad at what life has dealt me. I am thirty �one years old, I have always tried to be a good person. I have never intentionally done anything wrong. I have overcome many difficult obstacles in my life and I have learned, many lessons from them. That is why I became angry with the hand I was dealt. Like everyone else, I have questioned, why I have to go through this, WHY ME??? Here I am on the forefront of my life, I just got married and now I feel as though I am stuck in a painful situation. This disease has taken my independence away from me. I can�t concentrate, can�t think clearly some days, that is hard for someone who was very independent on no one but theirselves a year ago. Some days I cannot stay up and moving around without becoming severely fatigued, and have to rest for the remainder of the day. What have I done to cause every single muscle and joint in my body to hurt like it does. Why do I feel so helpless when a year ago I was so strong? There are many questions that are left unanswered.
It led me think if I continued to think this way I would not get better. No, I didn�t do anything to deserve this. I didn�t make a mistake or do this to myself. It has happened, I am sick and now I need to deal with it, and leave the self-pity on the curb.
Things have become easier when you focus on things from day to day. Making any given day you very own seems like the spirit of living life to its fullest. There are going to be bad days. Even on the good days I forget I am sick and it tends to become a bad day. The bad days leave you thinking that the next day will be better, and that is what keeps you going.
I dare to say learning to live with Lyme Disease is going to be a long struggle and it does have positive sides. Those of us who are part of this �Elite group� have had to realize a great deal of patients. Instead of throwing myself into every activity and task available, I have learned to back away and observe. There have been times lately that I�ve been extremely jealous of people who can do things that I used to do with ease, and now I can�t do without pushing myself so hard that I end up in bed for two or three days to make up for the energy that I lost doing it. One day when I am better I will never take for grated a walk down a street, being able to go through one day without having to lie down and rest from the fatigue.
It is hard to come to terms with the fact that my brain is sometimes becomes fuzzy and it becomes difficult to think and concentrate. Ore that sometimes I am afraid to go to the grocery store alone in fear that I will not remember where I parked my car, or the worst, not remembering how to find my own house. I am learning the only way not to disappoint myself was by not setting big goals. I instead, the seemly small accomplishments mean the world to me while I am getting treatment and in recovery. I have my entire life to reach the rest of my dreams. Why rush things���..life is a wonderful experience and most people pass by so fast they miss the whole experience. It is sad that something debilitating had to happen to me to make me see things differently. Many of us, including myself rush through life ad before you know it�it has passed you by and you didn�t get to appreciate what it has to give you. So in that aspect, I have been given the time to sit back and relax. In a way this has made me slow down and appreciate life from a different angle.
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