Johnny's Thinking
One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. "Now class, I'm
going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what
fruit I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round,
plumb and red." Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher,
wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An
apple." The teacher replied, "No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like
your thinking." Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy,and colored red and
brownish." Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get
the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy.
"Is it a peach?" Billy asks. "No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a
potato. But I like your thinking," the teacher replys.
Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard." By now Johnny is
about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again
and calls on Sally. "A banana," she says. "No," the teacher
replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking." Johnny is kind of
irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've got one for you teacher;
let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it: it's
round, hard, and it got a head on it." "Johnny!" she cries.
"That's disgusting!" "Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter,
but I like your thinking!"
Little Johnny's Letter to Santa
You must be surprised that I'm writing you today, the 26th of December. Well, I
would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the
beginning of the month! While filled with illusion I wrote you a letter and I
asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of rollerblades, and a
football uniform. I destroyed my brain studying the whole year! Not only was I
the first in my class, but I had the best grades in the whole school. I'm not
going to lie to you, Santa, there was no one in my
entire neighborhood that behaved better than me. With my parents, my brothers, my friends and with my neighbors, I would go on errands and
even help the elderly cross the street. There was virtually nothing I wouldn't
do for humanity! WHAT BALLS YOU HAVE LEAVING ME A FUCKING YO-YO, A STUPID ASS
WHISTLE, AND A PAIR OF SOCKS! WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING, YOU FAT SON OF A
BITCH? YOU'VE TAKEN ME FOR A SUCKER THE WHOLE FUCKING YEAR, TO COME OUT WITH
SOME SHIT LIKE THIS UNDER THE DAMN TREE. AS IF YOU HADN'T FUCKED ME ENOUGH, YOU
GAVE THAT LITTLE SHITHEAD ACROSS THE STREET SO MANY FUCKING TOYS, THAT HE CAN'T
EVEN WALK INTO HIS DAMN HOUSE! PLEASE DON'T LET ME SEE YOU TRYING TO FIT YOUR BIG
FAT ASS DOWN MY CHIMNEY NEXT YEAR! I'LL FUCK YOU UP! I'LL THROW ROCKS AT THOSE
STUPID ASS REINDEERS OF YOURS, AND SCARE THEM THE FUCK AWAY, SO YOU'LL HAVE TO
WALK YOUR BIG FAT ASS BACK TO THE NORTHPOLE, JUST LIKE I HAVE TO DO SINCE YOU
DIDN'T GET ME THAT FUCKING BIKE, YOU PUNK BITCH!! YOU KNOW WHAT SANTA, FUCK
YOU!! NEXT YEAR YOU'LL FIND OUT HOW BAD I CAN REALLY FUCKING BE...YOU'VE BEEN
SLEEPING ON A MOTHERFUCKER FAR TOO LONG! SO WATCH YOUR BACK NEXT YEAR, YOU FAT
BITCH!
Sincerely, Johnny
The Wedgie
Little Johnny comes home from catholic school with a black eye. His father sees
it and says, "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight
with the other boys?"
"But Dad, it wasn't my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We
all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her
butt. I reached over and pulled it out. That's when she hit me!"
"Johnny," the father said. "You don't do those kind of things to women."
Sure enough, the very next day Johnny came home with the other eye black and
blue. Johnny's father said, "Johnny, I thought we had a talk!"
"But Dad," Johnny said, "It wasn't my fault. There we were in
church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had
her dress in the crack of her butt. Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw
it and he reached over and pulled it out. Now I know she doesn't like this, so
I pushed it back in!"
God's Handles
Little Johnny came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the
front yard. Rigormortis had set in and it was flat on
its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Johnny said,
"Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why is his legs sticking in the air?"
His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from
the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."
"Gee Dad that's great," said little Johnny. A few days later, when
Dad came home from work, Johnny rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad
we almost lost Mom today!"
"What do you mean?" said Dad.
"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom
and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming,
"Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George
holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"
TEACHER: Why are you late?
L-JOHNY: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
L-JOHNY: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
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TEACHER: Johny, why are you doing your maths sums on the floor?
L-JOHNY: You told me to do it without using tables!
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TEACHER: Johny, how do you spell
"crocodile"?
L-JOHNY: "K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
L-JOHNY: Maybe it's wrong, but you ask me how I spell it!
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TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
L-JOHNY: "HIJKLMNO"!!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
L-JOHNY: Yesterday you said it's H to O!
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TEACHER: George, go to the map and find
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now, Johny, who discovered
L-JOHNY: George!
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TEACHER: Johny, name one important thing
we have today that we didn't
have
ten years ago.
L-JOHNY: Me (Johny is seven years old)!
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TEACHER: Johny, why do you always get so
dirty?
L-JOHNY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
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L-JOHNY: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me To write?
L-JOHNY: Your name on this report card.
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TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
L-JOHNY: Don't bite any.
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TEACHER: Johny, give me a sentence
starting with "I".
L-JOHNY: I is...
TEACHER: No, Johny. Always say, "I am."
L-JOHNY: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
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Teacher: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
L-Johnny : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married
on the sameday
sametime."
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Teacher: "George Washington not only chopped down his
father's Cherry
tree,
but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish
him?"
L-Johnny : "Because George still had the axe in
his hand."
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L-Johnny : Daddy, have you ever been to
Father : No. Why do you ask that?
L-Johnny : Well, where did you get THIS mummy then?
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Teacher : What a pair of
strange socks you are wearing, one is green and one is blue with red spots!
L-Johnny: Yes it's really strange. I've got another pair of the same athome.
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Teacher: Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and
stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?
L-Johnny: Brotherly love.
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Teacher: Now, Johny, tell me frankly do
you say prayers before eating?
L-Johnny : No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good
cook.
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Teacher: Johny, your composition on
"My Dog" is exactly the same as your
brother's. Did u copy his?
L-Johnny: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
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Teacher: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when
people areno longer interested?
L-Johnny : A teacher
1.) Male: Haven't I seen you some place before?
Female: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
2.) Male: Is this seat empty?
Female: Yes, and mine will be if you sit down.
3.) Male: Your place or mine?
Female: Both. You go to yours and I'll go mine.
4.) Male: So, what do you do for a living.
Female: I'm a female impersonator.
5.) Male: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Female: DO NOT ENTER.
6.) Male: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Female: Unfertilized.
7.) Male: Your body's like a temple
Female: Sorry, there are no services today.
8.) Male: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Female: But would you please stay there?
9.) Male: If I saw you naked, I'd die happy.
Female: If I saw you naked, I'd die laughing.