I cry. Sometimes I cry a lot. I am moody, I spend months of partying and pretending it fulfills my life, then spend months more in retreat, sitting in deep thought. I pretend that's just as fullfilling. I write. I love to write. Stories come to me and slide into place in my mind. Then I read my stories from someone else's point of view, and I think they're rubbish. Sometimes I like geeky things, and I think just by touching them I'll suddenly turn into Supernerd. I like animals. I like peace. I like crawling into bed at night and listening to the rain on the roof. I love hugging guys. When I'm alone, I think I have a better singing voice than I actually do. When I'm not alone, I know the truth. I babble. I babble uncontrollably. For some strange reason I think it will hide the fact that I'm actually a boring person. I am not a boring person.
I have conflict within me. I like to watch trashy shows that noone else likes. I care. I always care. I try to do what's right. I'm honest and loyal. Sometimes I feel like a puppy dog, obediently bumbling behind the world around. I contradict myself. Constantly. I get angry and feel violent. I get lonely and feel lost. The deep recesses of my mind draw me in and make me analyse the world's huge philosophical questions. Sometimes I lie, and sometimes I look for sympathy. Sometimes I recognise when other people do it too. I love and regret. I have a bombsite as a room and I get slack about homework. Somewhere deep inside of me, a court jester niggles. He jumps up and down and tells me I'm useless. Even though I know he lies, somewhere, a small part of me believes him. I am wary that he does not grow or shrink.
I am moved by things, and people don't understand. They ask if I'm alright, and I am drinking in my surroundings, not wanting to lose this moment. I could spend an eternity looking off a cliff, or at that bbq we had yesterday when everyone sat and talked in teh pool. I cling to objects as though keeping them will fulfill some small role in my life. I own too many things as a result. I play music, mostly because I am stubborn and wont stop once I've started. I get scared, easily, and sometimes I am paranoid that some "other world" people are watching me. I think irrationally. I think rationally. I like to read and spend more money than I should. My internal temperature is always offbalance and I get sick easily. I retreat into worlds where I know I am a good person and it is easier to distinguish between right and wrong. Sometimes I do the wrong thing. I hide from this world and I don't like making decisions. I dislike doctors, dentists and psychiastrists, because they can see the weaknesses within me. I want to study psychology at university.
I keep my heart locked away so noone will see inside, but I yearn to tear it free. I am afraid I will only find blackness within and not a bright light as I hope. I get confused and sorrowful and depressed but often hide it. Today I am honest. Today I let you take a peek beyond the iron to see, briefly, a part of the real me, the hidden me. Please close the iron casing before you leave. I am just a normal person, and yet I am strange beyond reason.
