| I have my new found contenment in a translucent box of lies. I'll make sure that next time i'll be the one causing all the pain. He tells me that he loves me and rubs against my skin. If only he could hear the sound of my own voice screaming in the darkest recesses of my brain. He kisses me then I know I must be dying. His full lips press against mine in an effort to get some kind of warmth and reaction out of me, but still he gets nothing but blankness. He doesn't know how disgusting he makes me feel and how much I like it. " Don't be shy" he mutters with a half smile. I couldn't help but still cling to my skin. His pants where half way down his ankles and he looks down at me with this expression that I cannot place. I just want to crawl inside myself. My legs are shaking I don't know weither to be happy or disgusted by my own actions. I see him lean in to kiss me again, this time I invite him and the feeling that he brought with him. I held him close to me this time , intoxicated by his smell and the way that he felt. I push his long brown hair out of his face so I could look at him. All I could see were these dark brown eyes peering back at me. Leaving me with the feeling of exposure and vunerability. He could hurt me at any moment. I hated feeling this way. I felt so disgusting. " Don't be shy" he replies again kissing my neck. I let him slide his hand up under my t-shirt. I imediately feel discomfort and want to pull away. But he just keeps grabing me and holding me closer to him, his kisses coming faster and harder all over my lips and face. He wasn't disgusted by me, there wasn't anything that made him stop. I felt so disgusting and repulsive and here I am letting him touch me and kiss me and take advantage of me. I'm sure that this wasn't supposed to hurt but it did. My breathing was becoming louder, I could slowly feel myself pull away. Then I saw him look down at me, his beautiful face illuminated by the lights that came from the television. He would smile and talk to me in this babyish voice that made me love him and want him even more. All I could do was pull him down and hold him. The lights coming from the tv changing brightness, every once in a while the screen would just go blank and it'd be dark...and I still felt him holding me trying to get the shaking in my legs to stop. We did not do anything that night, in a way I regret it. I wanted that closeness with him. He was pushing against me before. I didn't want him to stop, I didn't. He to the point unbuttoned my pants then stoped," I can't do this.", he replied with a disapointed smile. "Why?" He just nodded his head and laid down on the floor beside my bed. I stoped myself from pulling him back up next to me. I just lay there, rubbing his forehead and the base of his neck till he went to sleep, his hands folded on his chest. I gave him a kiss on his lips before I went to sleep. He smiled and his lips ment mine. I tried I suppose in my little way to try to coax him back into bed with me. I don't know why I needed him so badly...I just did. |
| * Whore * |