mrjournal37

I had everything thought out in the car this
morning .. Now it has kind of left my mind ... there
it goes.

Today: today ends the last day of the first
semester, leaving only a mere 90 days until graduation
night (84 days remain in school - Senior Finals start
on my 18th birthday), and I'm starting to piece a few
things together for life: what I want to do, where I
want to be, and who I want to (and am going) to be
with This morning gave me a jolt, but brought me to a
point, to a realization that just makes everything
right, and piece it all together.
(In case you don't want to read the long version:
Rusty's in Love)
OK: to explain everything and make me feel very happy
all of a sudden ===>
I got up this morning, hoping to leave Amy a bunch of
messages while she was still asleep, to brighten the
Texas something or other. She was offline, no biggie.
When I got and find her e-mail address, I also found
a link to her website. Not knowing it existed, I
click away to visit. She keeps a journal, I go ahead
and take a read, a glance into the mind of the Texan
girl I find to be very fond of right about now. She
talks about her Aunt passing away, and then she
mentions me. She talks about how we're back to
normal, and how she feels that we'll have our lifetime
together, and that she loves me. And then, something
comes about that kind of gave me a disgruntled
feeling. Talking about how I mentioned (in this
journal) of other girls, and how she was meeting
people and that how she had a date.
Ugh. Man, I felt like shit. I still feel like shit,
but it's a good one. I have finally been put into
that person's shoes, that person being the one who
reads my journal, and find something they don't want
to hear. God, I feel like the biggest asshole right
now.
I was kind of just hit this morning. Leaving later
than usual, I was very silent in the car this morning
(no singing along), listening to the very quiet and
somber NIN cd of new stuff that came with the live
album. Drove slow, shed a tear or so. I was just
nailed: I feel stuck in PA, and my heart is in Texas,
under a warm sun where there are no palm trees, but
some beautiful girl attending A&M in an apartment
keeping it safe in the warmth. I got to school, and
rather than sit, I just stood at the morning table.
Chris asked what I was doing. He asked why I was just
standing there, starting in to space looking worried.
He hit it right on the mark, the money shot. But I'm
not worried, actually, yes, yes I am. But it made me
realize something, something I haven't realized and
felt in such a long time: I'm in love, with Amy.
So where do I go from here? Nowhere presently but
plans are being made, and I have a few little
surprises of my own (gotta love surprises). So to
better publicize this, my heart belongs to you, Amy.