mrjournal36

what a year what a year.

the past 12 months have felt like 17 days and that's about it. Now I look down the barrel of graduation and my own future without my closest friends and confedants. (cry).

i still can't believe that 2002 is only hours away. the end of the first real chapter of life, or maybe the prologue, and the beginning of the first real chapter of life. it's weird.

yesterday seemed to be like the first day of school: mom walked me into the building on a dark and rainy day to kindergarten class. me and 19 other individuals who were at the beginnings of something we didn't know what it was, an environment where we learned how to read and write, add up 2 and 2, and be told that though I read at a 4th grade reading level in first grade, I couldn't color in the lines. that was a moment where 2 and 2 made 22 rather than 4.

i remember in fourth grade, the last day of elementary school at Rolling Acres in Littlestown, being given the gift of yellow/gold shirts with all of our names on who made up the class of 2002. I remember looking at that shirt thinking that time was eons and light years away. And as I sit and write this, it's in 304 minutes.

what have i learned this year?

first decree: i've learned that i can't sulk after every last heartbreak, cause it won't be the last. possibly one of many, and maybe the last for that signifigant other might be the one, but they aren't.

second decree: that my one and only someone is still out there. i might know who they are, i might not. i might see them everyday yet not say a word to them. though when this year started and i was at my happiest with my first true love, i am sure that there will be a second.

third decree: i am thankful for every last thing that i have. i am thankful that, though coming from a broken home, my parents are and will always be there for me when i need them most as i near the end of my days in school. they might be divorced, but they tend to get along from time to time when i need them to. i'm saddened that maybe my own father and i have lost touch because he had done something he swore he'd never do again, but i have found a father figure in another man, the one also named like me, russell, who i can pretty much tell everything. the oldest of my best friends in the world.

and

fourth decree: that 30 helens agree, that i have great friends, that i am finally happy for the first time ever i think, and that this website can be the biggest pain in the ass yet so much fun.

i never really thought i'd find it though. happiness at 17. but moving in with my mom made something happen inside. i warmed up a bit, i got over faith, and i did what my mom told me to do, to live my life to the fullest while i can and while i am young. i've gone out, spent more time with my friends, and feel alot better about myself. nothing is stopping me dead in my tracks or putting me down anymore. it just sucks that is my senior year and i wish i would've done all this years ago. not sulked for a year and a half over rachel smith in 8th grade up til sometime freshman year, given certain girls a chance, and not do other stupid things.

i've stopped biting my nails almost a week ago, cold turkey. i don't really know why but i just have. it's weird. no urge, no nerves i guess. i'm growing up.