| Your Future from Long Ago and Far Away... |
| ...tomorrow sucks |
| ARIES (March 21-April 19) C-3PO You are so uptight, no wonder your joints are always freezing up. You are obsessed with the odds but are a lousy better. You really gotta loosen up. Have a beer and an oil bath. |
| TAURUS (April 20 - May 20) R2-D2 Beep-whizz-bang-beep. Whirl-WHIIIIIIIIINNNNEEEEEE! Beep-beep-beep-beep. |
| GEMINI (May 21 - June 20) Jabba the Hutt You keep gaining weight to hide your age: fat fills the wrinkles. The laugh and the pets have to go. You think you are powerful, but the power you have is gained through fear, not respect. Beware, fat man, for these people will kill you. Beware of princesses wearing chains around their necks. |
| CANCER (June 21 - July 22) Darth Vader You are evil and powerful. It hides your asthma. And lose the mask, that is so Andrew Lloyd Webber of you. Get a makeover. I hear the Fab Five have a thing for tall, dark, handsome guys with a dark side. |
| LEO (July 23 - August 22) Obi-Wan "Ben" Kenobi Most people think you are a pedophile for pursuing your young neighbor. But you're really too old for that sort of thing anymore. You're very good at sneaking around, but you're also old and you dress funny. Beware of Cancers carrying lightsabers. |
| VIRGO (August 23 - September 22) Yoda Wise beyond your years are you, but downside there always is. Wise you may be, but ugly and short are you also. Almost older than spam, are we? It's not easy being green. And let's not forget your mastery of the lightsaber. Your opponents will laugh themselves to death before you can kill them. And you get a GREAT deal on manicures - only three fingers per hand = discount! See? Silver lining, there is! |
| LIBRA (September 23 - October 22) Stormtrooper Some of us are the queen bees and some of us are the worker bees. Just get used to it... |
| SCORPIO (October 23 - November 21) Luke Skywalker You whine and complain all the time. You can't see what's in front of your own nose. You are too short to be a stormtrooper, and too tall (barely) to be an Ewok. And you're most likely from West-by-god-Virginia, you sister-kissing sicko. |
| SAGITTARIUS (November22 - December 21) Evil Emperor You are powerful, but you have GOT to work on your people skills. It's amazing what a compliment will do. And brush your teeth before they fall out. Between that and the skin, you look like you've been smoking 10 packs a day for the last 180 years. Try some Crest White Strips and Oil of Olay. And the robes? Very dramatic, but they just say Jawa to me. |
| CAPRICORN (December 22 - January 19) Han Solo You are smooth and cool under pressure. You are daring and adventurous. And that environmental disaster you're flying around in is going to get recalled by the California Emissions Standards Board. You are disrespectful of women, even after they save your ass, and you have an unregistered walking carpet piloting your ship. You're treading thin ice, mister. Oh, and that good blaster at your side? Unregistered firearm. You are SO in trouble right now. |
| AQUARIUS (January 20 - February 19) Princess Leia You and Scorpio need some serious psychological help. That whole keeping it in the family thing is gonna get you in trouble some day. And don't fool yourself into thinking that you're that much in control. You are the typical airheaded Aquarius and will fall for the first blaster bearing bastard you see. However, you're great in a fight and won't take shit off anybody. That's because you don't realize you're getting it. |
| PISCES (February 19 - March 20) The Snow Beast Two words: Bumbles Bounce! |