Below is an article I found buried in some folders of my school magazine and I think it sums up my feelings about my school quite well. The school shall remain nameless to keep on the safe side, up yours Goose-wood school

Appearances . . . Appearances

Queer-wood School has become, since Mr. Coleslaw took the seat of power, a far more efficient and driven school. However this is only half of the story. It has also become faceless, authoritative and less and less like a school.

The school has always had a business ethic, which perhaps can be accepted considering the fees it charges, but this appears to be eclipsing the aspect of education rather than simply funding it. The school is incredibly concerned with appearance. Leading up to the open days the chewing gum is cleaned off the floor, the flowers watered and the walls painted. After open day it is left to decay under the influence of teenage hormones. The school is all set for a bright, white future, almost regarding its current members as a transitory phase on this road to perfection. My criticism of the school however can only focus on those at the top of hierarchy, the faceless few. Obviously the individual teachers who actually interact with the pupils cannot be accused in such a way. The school even regards it as necessary to use a press officer to present itself to the public.

It has also become more ruthless and unnecessarily pedantic regarding school rules. It seems as if it is trying to churn out pupils into university life like a conveyer belt. Last years upper-sixth, who became notorious in the national newspapers, supposedly for being high-spirited, really felt as if they were rebelling against something not just being immature and juvenile. Seeing events progress from inside the school, it was hard not to feel sympathy for those who were expelled in the lead up to the end of school. Three people were expelled on the basis of "stealing" the praeposters’ gowns, just before the school photo was taken. The result of this was that the school photo had all the pupils looking, shock horror, the same! Their action obviously was a prank, but also done to demonstrate the ridiculous hierarchy of the school, where the chosen few get to wear their oh so special gowns. Indeed, some praeposters were reduced to tears by this, just demonstrating that the conveyer belt is already in action. This response took on the feel of some rehearsed emotional distress. Quite why these people are seen as so special is hard to fathom. It is given to some because they are quiet and so do not cause the school a problem, but paradoxically is given to others to pacify them, introduce them to responsibility, and keep them in order for the duration of the sixth-form. Indeed the school allows the previous years’ praeposters to select their natural successors, that is those who have demonstrated the fantastic ability to recognise those with power, and then flitter around them casting the occasionally sycophantic remark. The praeposter system is essentially used by the school for two things; to use pupils to carry out monotonous and boring duties, and to help demonstrate to prospective parents what fine, young, tidy people this school generates. These fine young people advertise the school at the Open Day, where they have to have learned a laughable list of "facts" to impress the potential new pupils and their parents. These facts seem to be made up anyway, so quite what their worth might be is hard to say. This year the praes were told to tell the parents that the school gets 10-12 Oxbridge entrants every year. This is despite the fact that only two people managed to get into those ancient institutions last year. The pupils have equally selfish reasons for wanting to be praeposters, in some cases to feel the excitement of having power (and naturally abusing it), or (as is more likely) to put something on their UCAS forms. The ones who essentially do not want to be praes have the carrot of a praes common room dangled in front of them. It is a rare thing to actually find someone with the self-respect to actually turn down the offer of a praeposter’s tie and all it signifies.

Pathetic and destructive though the prae system is, more concerning are the school’s harsh attempts to destroy individuality in its members. Once upon a time the cane and a school uniform was sufficient, now the school stamps on all individuality as soon as it is sighted. They ferociously attack those who dare to have individual haircuts, or even facial-hair. Indeed the school proudly proclaims its twenty-five different nationalities, and all the cultural influences this introduces. However the school conjures itself the moral powers to determine which cultures are immoral and degrading, and those which are actually very acceptable and politically correct. The spiked hair sported by many members of the school, has led to a banning of gel for all non-sixth-formers, yet this is merely a representation of a belief in that which is represented by punk culture, just as a turban can signify religious belief. So obviously this cultural tolerance extends only as far as cultures the school is forced to approve of by society. Anything else is just simply destructive to the school’s honest attempts to improve the minds of us young impressionable people.

The school prospectus provides equally laughable generalisations and idiocies. The Headmaster writes in his introduction, "Miss-shapenwood School offers… every opportunity for pupils to develop lively and enquiring minds." Which it then stamps out and erases is, disappointingly not the next sentence. Evidently Distortedwood School achieves everything in "a happy and friendly environment", which really must make all those people he has expelled feel really privileged. In the prospectus the school decides to further elaborate on the truth when it declares "some 10 to 15 [pupils go to] Oxford or Cambridge every year." LIE. Even the beautifully staged pictures of the school, with pupils amicably chatting away are completely false. The picture of the whole school assembly, for example, show the pupils facing the opposite direction to that in which we usually stand. The teachers are shown chatting away in groups with pupils at break time, rather than inside the staff room drinking their coffee, or in their smoking room hidden away at the top of school house. Most amusing though is the picture on the back of the prospectus showing an English teacher and a History teacher helping Seema Haider with her Biology work! Basically, as with much of the information the school presents people with, it is all lies. The school is basically one big propaganda machine, like the USSR, not prepared to allow the world to see the shambles it is truly in. Overall the school does seem to be some form of microcosm of a cross between Nazi Germany and Stalin’s USSR. The censorship in fact virtually guarantees that this article will not be printed, or if it is in a completely cannibalised form. After all, it was far too controversial for the school to print a poem by an expelled pupil, without calling its poet anonymous. Equally, the headmaster and Miss. herKelle could not be described as Hitler and Goebbels in this very magazine. Having said that, I can see some logic: if the school is going to be consistent it might as well carry on lying.

AJR 14/10/00