| JOKES 8 |
| Below are a list of rules the women should know. After all, guys are supposed to remember stuff like the day we got married - c'mon - it's only fair! 1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down. 2. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it. 3. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. 4. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way. 5. Ask for what you want! Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it! 6. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand. 7. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. 8. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. 9. Check your oil! Please. You always know when you're out of food to cook. 10. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days. 11. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer. 12. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic. 13. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both! If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself. 14. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials. 15. Christopher Columbus and Marco Polo did not need directions, and neither do we. 16. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends. 17. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. And, we have no idea what mauve is. 18. If it itches, it will be scratched. 19. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. 20. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really 21. You have enough clothes. 22. You have too many shoes. 23. Foreign films are best left to foreigners (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what the hell they're saying anyway). 24. I'm in shape. ROUND is a shape. 25. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you. Things to do in toilets 1.Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbour, ''May I borrow a highlighter?'' 2. ''Uh-oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that.'' 3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise. 4. ''Hmmm, I've never seen that colour before.'' 5. ''Damn, this water is cold.'' 6. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a shoe into the toilet bowl from a high place and sigh relaxingly. 7. ''Now how did that get there?'' 8. ''Hummus. Reminds me of hummus.'' 9. Fill up a large flask with lemonade. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbours while yelling,' Whoa! Easy boy!!'' 10. '' Interesting....more sinkers than floaters'' 11. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbour. Then say,' Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?" 12. ''C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!" 13. ''Boy, that sure looks like a maggot'' 14. ''Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?'' 15. Play a well-known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks. 16. Before you unroll toilet paper, lay down your ''Cross-Dressers Anonymous'' newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall. 17. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbour and say, ''Peek-a-boo!'' 18. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing ''Born Free.'' A guy walks into a bar, orders a scotch and soda and puts a frog on the bar. The bartender gives him the drink and asks what the frog's for? The guy snaps his fingers and the frog jumps down and blows the man. The bartender is amazed, and asks to see that again. So the guy a second time snaps his fingers, the frog jumps down, blows the man, and hops back on the bar. The bartender is astounded, he offers the guy $3000 for the frog. The man of course accepts, and gives the frog to the bartender. The bartender, after his shift, goes home. he's sitting in his kitchen, calls his wife over, says he has something to show her. His wife walks in, the bartender takes the frog out of his pocket, puts it on the table, snaps his fingers, the frog jumps down, blows the bartender and hops back on the kitchen table. The wife asks, "why the hell are you showing me this?" The bartender says, "cause you're going to teach him how to cook and then you're gonna get the fuck outta here." |