Misc JokesThe Horse's Unwritten Laws Of Life
I must spook at a jump that I have seen a million times before.
I must put my butt at the stall door so that my rider can't get in.
I must kick, bite, bloat, and do anything necessary to preven the girth from tightening.
I must refuse a nicely coloured jump. It's WAY too pretty to be jumped.
I must roll in the mud the night before a show after I have been washed.
I must run away when my rider tries to catch me.
I will not let my owner put a bit in my mouth.
I must go crazy when it's feed time.
When I enjoy something, I just HAVE to buck!
My owner seems happy and excited. Better act badly today.
I must nip the passing horse. It's my way of saying 'Sup?
I must poop in my stall right after it is mucked out.
Ahh I have some nice slobber in my mouth. I am sure my owner would love my little "addition" to her new riding clothes...
Sitting trot=GO FASTER!!!
When we canter, I must make sure I am on the wrong lead.
I will not go on the bit.
While on the cross-ties, I must move about in ever direction.
Once they put the saddle on me, I must shake it off.
Make it look like an accident when you step on your owner's feet.
I must scratch my mane off.
I must start walking when my rider tries to mount up.
I must find the best bit of grass, no matter wherer it is or who is in the way.
I must shy away from the hose.
Famous Last Words:
Ahhh... good old horse here ain't scared of anything!
Let me get on the horse... I'll show him who's boss!
Good old critter here was practicly born broke!
Are you crazy? He wouldn't hurt a fly!
Let me tighten your girth one more hole...
My horse is totally bombproof!
How hard could deworming be?
I saw this in a movie once...
Don't worry, all horses love me!
Hey, watch this!
Oh, it's just a little mouse... he won't mind!
Now sit back, relax, and let t he horse do the work.
Riding helmets are for losers!
It can't be that hard!
Oh, we just love the water, don't we?
Seller's Terms... What They Say and What They Mean...
Big Trot: can't canter within a 2 mile straightaway
Nicely Started: We can lounge him, but we don't have enough insurance to ride him yet
Top Show Horse: Won a reserve championship five years ago at a show with unusual low entries due to a hurricane
Home Bred: knows nothing except being raised on the front porch
Recently Vetted: someone else found something wrong with him
Big Boned: good thing this horse has a mane and tail or else he'd be mistaken for a cow
Doing Courses: when tranquilized to the eyeballs and lunged six hours straight beforehand
Well mannered: hasn't stepped on, bitten, or kicked anyone for a week
Professionally Trained: hasn't stepped on, bitten, or kicked anyone for a month
Should Mature 16 Hands: currently 13hh, dam is 14.3hh, sire is 15hh, every horse in pedigree back 18 generations is under 15h, but this horse will definitely defy his DNA
To Good Home Only: not really for sale unless you can 1) pay twice what he is worth, 2) allow current owner to tuck him into bed ever night, and 3) are willing to sign a 10 page legal document
Bold: runaway
Athletic: He's a runaway, but he looks good doing it
Needs Intermediate Rider: runaway
Needs Experienced Rider: "dead" runaway
Dead Quiet: just dead
Started O/F: Started overfeeding because we can't ride
No Vices: especially when he wears his muzzle
Light Cribber: we can't afford to build any more barns and fences for the buzz saw
No Time For Him: he's lucky to be fed
Great Halter Prospect: Bred for beauty, not for brains
Selling due to divorce: My spouse certaintly couldn't stand him...
Bomb Proof: So dumb you could set off a bomb under his tail and he wouldn't blink.
Good Mother: She's too dumb to do anything else
He can do it all: bite, kick, buck, rear...
Flashy: nice looking... forget about being able to ride him...
Stunning: you'll be stunned at his kicking power
Very Brave: even a whip can't force him back
Slight Case of Navicular: better buy him before he's too lame to walk
Proven Sire: The mare we bred him to had a baby
Lots of Potential: Under the right circumstances, you might be able to ride him
Great Bloodlines: He can't do anything, but that's okay because some horse 20 generations back did something
Already Broken: two fences, one arm, six buckets
Got Cow Sense: he'll attack any cattle within a 5-mile radius
Unregistered: probably stolen
Protective mmother: don't even think about going near the foal
Lady's Horse: Perfectly sweet with women, but will kill men
Good Disposition: The only good thing about him
Selling Due to Retirement: he's making us old
Started Good: We quit while we were ahead
Started: we quit while we were still alive
Loud Color: we spray painted him bright red
Really Broke: literally
Slight Nervous Habit: he shakes and has muscle ticks anytime anyone asks him to think
Great Stud: breeding is the only thing he's good at
Anyone Can Ride: as long as they have the right protective gear, they will survive
Smooth: you won't notice he's bucking until you're on the ground!
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