A Primer

1. . Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning...".
   • dah dum
   • dah dum
2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues,
   • unless you stick something nasty in the next line like,
     "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."
3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it.
   • Then find something that rhymes...sort of:
   • "Got a good woman with the Meanest face in town.
4. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town
   • Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she
     weigh 500 pound."
5. The Blues is not about choice.
   • Your stuck in a ditch--ain't no way out...
     So down on your luck--Ain't no way Out...
     
     
6. Blues cars:
   • Chevys, Fords, Cadillac's and broken-down trucks
   • Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles.
   • Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train.
   • Chevy died, my woman left me, All because I missed the Southbound train.
   • blues NEVER go on the northbound train.
   • Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running.
     
     
7. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle.
   So does fixin' to die.
   • Teenagers can't sing the Blues..
   • They ain't fixin' to die yet.
   • Adults sing the Blues.
   • In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair
     if you shoot a man in Memphis.
     
     
8. Blues can take place in New York City
   • but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada.
   • Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression.
   • Been to Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City and still got those low down rotten blues.
   • You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain.
     
     
9. . A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues.
   A woman with male pattern baldness is.
   • Breaking your leg 'cause you were skiing is not the blues.
   • Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chomping on it is.
     
     
10. You can't have no Blues in a office or a shopping mall.
    • The lighting is wrong.
    • "I was sitting in the parking lot, restin' my weary head on the dumpster.
      
      
11. Good and Bad places for the Blues:
    • GOOD a. highway, b. jailhouse, c. empty bed, d. bottom of a whiskey glass
    • Bad places for the Blues: a. Nordstrom, b. gallery openings, c. Ivy League institutions, d. golf courses.
      
      
12. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit. Unless
    • Misery so bad, no choice but to sleep in your suit for the past six months ..
      
      
13. Do you have the right to sing the Blues?
    Yes, if:
    • older than dirt
    • be blind in one eye
    • you shot a man in Memphis.
    • you can't be satisfied.
    • Not if: you have all your teeth
    • you were once blind but now can see
    • the man in Memphis lived.
    • you have a 401K or trust fund.
      
      
14. Blues is not a matter of color.
    • It's a matter of bad luck.
    • TigerWoods cannot sing the blues.
    • Sonny Liston could.
    • Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.
      
      
      
      
15. " If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline, it's the Blues.
    • Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
    • . cheap wine, whiskey or bourbon, muddy water, nasty black coffee
    • The following are NOT Blues beverages:
    • Perrier, Chardonnay, Snapple, Slim Fast.
      
      
16. 15. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death.
    • Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die.
    • So is the electric chair, substance abuse and dying all alone on a broken down cot.
    • You can't have a Blues death if you die
      during a tennis match
    • or while getting liposuction.
      
      
17. . Some Blues names for women:
    • Sadie, Hot Jellyroll, Big Mama, Bessie, Fat River Dumpling
      
      
18. Some Blues names for men:
    • Joe, Willie, Little Willie, Big Willie, Whiskey River Rod.
      
      
19. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Debbie, and Heather can't sing the Blues
    • no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
      
      
20. "Make your own Blues Name" Starter Kit:
    • name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
    • first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.)
    • . last name of a President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.
    • For example: Blind Lime Jefferson, Pegleg Lemon Johnson or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc.
    • (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")
      
      
21. I don't care how tragic your life:
    • if you own even one computer, you can NOT sing the blues.
      
      

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