Blah, blah, blah�your girlfriend thinks your comics are sexist and immature, so what else is new? Come on, we�ve all heard the tales. Some poor sap falls for the first chick who gives him the time of day. She consumes him�tells him she�s pregnant so she can get a nice rock on her finger. He changes. Suddenly, he�s got his own secret identity � one minute he�s Krypto�s biggest fan, but as soon as he hears her Neon pull into the drive he gets into his telephone booth and morph�s himself into �Boot-licker the Robot boy.� Pathetic, I say. So, anyway, one night Boot-licker and The Beast �make love.� After the finish, she goes and takes a shower. Bootlicker thinks he�s free and clear, so he turns on a light and reaches for his new X-men book. He gets so involved in the story, he doesn�t hear her return�
The Beast: What�s that you�re reading?
Boot-licker: (doesn�t hear her)
The Beast: Honey!
Boot-licker: (shutting the book quickly) Huh? Wha?
The Beast: See�You don�t listen to me!
Boot-licker: I listen! You�re just�so quiet and dainty � much like a deer �or �or �a �a �cat.
The Beast: Don�t patronize me!
Boot-licker: I�m not. I�m sorry. I guess I�m just a little tired.
The Beast: Well, you�re awake enough to read. What are you reading?
Boot-licker: Uh�you know, just one of those comic books�Umm� my little brother left it here�just making sure that�uhh�it�s not too�umm �not too umm�
The Beast: Violent?
Boot-licker: Yeah�umm�too adult for him, but I can see it�s not so, I guess everything�s all right then.
The Beast: (catching a glimpse of Emma Frost on the cover as he goes to slide it under the bed) Is there a naked girl on that?
Boot-licker: On what?
The Beast: On that. (pointing to the book)
Boot-licker: Oh, uh�no. She�s fully clothed I assure you.
The Beast: Give me that. (ripping it from his hand) You think that�s fully clothed? You think it would be alright if I just walked around looking like that all the time?
Boot-licker: No�err�yes! Yes! I mean�
The Beast: Oh, yeah, that�s right! I�m sorry, honey, I forgot � I don�t have big enough tits to impress a bunch of immature assholes.
Boot-licker: But honey�
The Beast: God! I�m glad you quit buying that shit! No wonder women can�t get anywhere in the world, with male-chauvinist pigs selling this shit to little kids.
Boot-licker: I�I�
The Beast: By the way, when are you gonna get rid of all that garbage? I was in that room today, trying to figure out where we�re going to put the crib and I couldn�t even get into the corners cause your stupid boxes were in the way. I was just gonna go ahead and put them out on the porch with the other crap I had to throw out but, Oh! Guess what? Somebody wasn�t even here to help me move them. Thanks!
Ok. Now�at this point, I have to interrupt because I wanna knock this bitch the fuck out. You don�t have to take this shit boys, no sir-ee! Look at my little guide to �love,� below. I hope that it will help you to advert at least some potentially suicidal situations.
Rule 1: Love is hokum and horseshit, and you poor bastards will always be the suckers spending your last dime on the shell game. It�s not cause you�re not smart, its cause men are the true romantics. Look at it as if your just finding someone you can tolerate. You�ll be better off.
Oh and uh�boys�pregnancy is Love�s favorite parlor trick. If that broad�s going to pull that shit with you, take her down to the fuckin� clinic and get her to take the pregnancy test there. If she�s honest, she�ll be more than willing to let you in on the finding out process. And don�t fall for her �don�t you trust me� line after you tell her that neither. DON�T BE A SUCKER!
Rule 2: Don�t settle. Do not give in to your self-loathing, drunken, pity parties. Chicks are a dime a dozen. No matter what, tell yourself, �I can do better.� People say this to girls all the time, and unless they�re marrying fucking Peter Parker, they�re wrong. Now, see, this is confusing, given the social-climbing nature of the female species; however, I insist that it�s true. If we could do better, then why on god�s green earth don�t we? How many times do you see girls dating jerk, after jerk, after jerk? I�d say just about damn near every time you see a skirt. Because they can�t do better and those jerks and know it. Do yourself a favor, become a jerk � it�ll do wonders for your social life, I swear! Just try it. Dump your girlfriend for someone better looking than her (or in the very least someone who gives better head). Then rinse and repeat after me: Nice Guys Finish Last.
Rule 3: If she doesn�t like and/or understand any of the following, get rid of her: your music, your movies, or your comic books. If she truly IS a girl, she won�t, but if you find one with mildly the same tastes as yourself, they can be salvaged and used for parts. And for god�s sakes, if you do, by some chance in hell, find a girl that is into comics, don�t let her read any of that lame fuckin� indie shit that�s all about brooding punk chicks kicking men�s asses or fuckin� fairy tale elves. And if she�s into that anime shit, watch your goddamn back, she�ll be dressing you in fuckin� fishnets and garters before you can blink. You�ll know you got a good woman on your hands when she creams her jeans over Quesada�s cover for the new Wizard.
Here�s my thoughts on getting your baby-beggar to like comic books:
- Women are weak-minded; use that to your advantage. Tell them over and over again how cool they are (the books, not them), and use positive reinforcement; much like you would a dog. Say, �Sweetie! Aren�t The Avengers swell? Oh, and uh�by the way, did I tell you how pretty you look tonight?� It�ll work like a charm.
- Use the ol� stand-by: Next time she drags you to the mall, wait directly outside The Gap when she�s checking out. Ask a hot girl for something stupid, it could be anything (the time, directions�anything, just so long as the girlfriend can see you in brief conversation). Make sure the conversation ends before she makes it out of the store. The point is to let her see you talking with said female. When she asks you about it, tell her that she recognized you from last year�s convention and wanted to say �Hi.� She will be too enraged to question it, so just go with it. This should form a nice, lasting bond between the two of you even if initially it causes some fighting. Worst case senario: she says you can�t go to the convention this year, cause she doesn�t want you talkin� to no skanky bitches � then you tell her to fuck off. Best case scenario: you strike fear into her heart, she then decides that she will learn to love what you love so she won�t loose you. Even Better case scenario: The hot girl gives you her phone number and you kick looser girl to the curb. **Refer to Rule 2 ** Better to have a hot girl that hates comics than an ugly that hates comics.
By the way�even if she only buys the books to �save your relationship,� it�s still money in the industry�s pocket and therefore money well spent.
Rule 4: Hit back. If she�s �man� enough to throw a punch, she�ll be man enough to take it too. Don�t be a pussy. If you don�t give a woman some trouble, she will mentally castrate you and leave for one of those jerks I previously mentioned. If you need someone to vouch for you in court, call me.
Rule 5: Don�t worry about hurting feelings when you dump her. I�m sure your feelings are the last thing on HER mind when Doofo the frat boy is givin� her the ol� �pledge pin.� (Which by the way, she will never tell you about until she gets mad about you talking to girls at the convention.)
Ok�I think I�m spent. Remember boys; women are much crappier in real life. Be careful�Be strong�They ARE real life super-villains.
Send all grievances and/or success stories to: Daisy