Hello you snowy bastards or if you ain't snowed in hello you son of a bitch. I am currently living in Middle Earth (ok it's just plan ol' New Zealand). Why are you there, Lou? Well it's none of your damn business, honestly who in the hell do you think you are. Like I gotta answer to you. Anyway I've always had the theory that anywhere you go will suck just as bad as where you came from, but what I didn't anticipate is the new ways the sucking can occur. So here it is a travel guide of annoying things in New Zealand (in list form cause you jerks love lists).
1. Talking: Yes talking to people is always a hellish experience but it
takes on a new level when accents come in to play.
My example: You say " A bug flew in my hair". They all crack up laughing, no
they are not laughing about the bug (which isn't funny anyway) they are laughing at how you say "hair". They will then ask you to repeat the word thirty times and giggle each time you say it cause they pronounce "hair" as "here". They make you repeat at least one word from each sentence in this verbal tango dances on.
My Advice: Only use sign language, like the finger.
2. Anything Car Related: First off I really don't care much about cars if a car gets me from point A to point B it is my favorite car.
My example: This one can take forever to get through but I'll keep it short. All the dumb ass kids here think they are in the shit poor movie The Fast and The Furious so they are always speeding around in their little rice burners telling you how cool it is. I don't give a fuck about their "boy races" (that's what street racing is called here, I don't know if it's called that everywhere but even that term is lame). I'm not going to get in to the whole opposite side of the street driving, or the constant Holden talk (that's a type of car built in Australia that they all jerk off
to). I now officially hate all cars and car related shit.
My Advice: Somehow I think the finger can help on this one too.
3. Spelling: Yes this can be annoying.
My Example: They spell tire with a "y". This just pisses me off.
My Advice: Bring spray paint to fix signs with this mistake.
4. Gangs: I believe the only reason they have gangs here is to mess up how I
dress.
My Example: New Zealand has two gangs the Mongrul Mob and Black Power,
both gangs dress in black jeans, boots, and black leather jackets. Because
of how they dress almost all bars ban people from wearing black jeans, boots,
and black leather jackets. Plus people keep telling me a gang member is gonna
get me if I wear my jacket.
My Advice: Hey gangs don't dress alike and get some different colors. I'll pick, for The Mongrul Mob some nice pastels and for Black Power plaid. Now you guys won't mess up my trip.
5.Dogs: People here don't keep their dogs on leashes or in their yards.
My Example: Everyday I see on the news that another kid has had his face bitten off (honestly I really see that report daily).
My Advice: Bring a child with you cause all the reports I've seen is they are eating children's faces. I figure they got a taste for young blood so throw a kid at the dog and run.
Well friends, I've taken up enough space and time for now. Maybe this will help you but be warned this is a place that calls truck drivers "truckies" (I heard it on the news) and has a million more annoying traits. I would list more (and trust me I didn't even get started) but I hear a child's face being eaten so I better go.
Your Pal,
Lou Cifer