Well,its Monday,Feb. 17, and if you're a poor east coast bastard like I am there's a damn good chance you just had a shit load of snow dumped on your head. Now because of this "little" storm that has happened to cripple New York, D.C. Philly and most importantly ( because I live there) Pittsburgh you just may be stuck indoors, with the spectre of cabin fever lingering closely behind you. In order to help prevent you from becoming more goofy and fucked-up than you already are, I've sat down and come up with some fun tips to help you poke boredom in the eye.
1. If you live in a city grab a hand broom, and take a walk outside. When you see a snowman begin to brush him off. You'll be shocked to learn that at least half of the snow men are actually homeless people who froze to death the night before and where just buried in the snow. Oh those wacky homeless!!!
2. Animals where put on this planet for only two reasons, to eat and to entertain us. If you have pets, then they're your ticket to funsville. I suggest holding an elobarate wedding for your pets. The following is a helpful guide to which pets are legally allowed to marry in
the United States. Dogs can marry each other or cats. Cats can marry each other or dogs. Reptiles, rodents and birds can all be joined in holy matrimony to each other. Fish can ONLY marry other fish. It is a sin in the eyes of man and God for them to wed any other species, and its just plain sick to boot.
3. Turn the heat up in your house as high as it will go. Do the same with your oven and open it. Rig your microwave to run with the door open. Now you can pretend you're south of the border and have an early Cinco De Mayo Festival.
4. When having your Cinco de Mayo Festival use rock/road salt with your margarita's and Tequilla shots. This adds an unexpected winter zing to these Mexican favorites.
5. Go outside and take a nap. Snow isn't called Nature's Pillow for nothing. Before you know it you'll feel all warm and sleepy.
6. Try finding alternative uses for your snow shovel. Personally, after spending back-breaking hours shoveling snow, I can only think of one good use for a snow shovel. A murder weapon. The snow shovel is best used for decapatating or blugeoning someone to death, although you may try being creative( i.e. impalement). Just make sure to take a break inbtween your snow shovel homicides, you don't want to throw out your back or have a heart attack.
7. Hey slacker, go make yourself some money. Try shoveling your neighbors driveways for a resonable price. Then, when they're all dug out and go to the store to get some smokes...well let's just say you'll know EXACTLY whose houses are empty in your neighborhood.
8. Come to the horrible realization that if you weren�t such a social retard you might be spending this snow storm romantically with someone of the opposite sex. Then preceed to weep gently to yourself while rocking in the fetal position.
9. Pretend you're Luke Skywalker and you're trapped on the ice planet of Hoth. Find a cow( if there are no cows in your area a really fat person will do), cut open their stomach and spend the night there.
10. Get drunk, eat Pringles, masterbate, sleep. Although these activities are by no means reserved for snow days.
I hope these tips help you get through this white hell we've been cursed with. I am, as always, the emperor of irresponsibility...
Tommy Timebomb
*Remember, Tommy Timebomb is a licensed time-killer. When attempting any of his stupid suggestions take extreme caution*
Allow me to introduce myself, I'm Tommy Timebomb. ( Anyone who was thinking of a Rollling Stone's song a second ago stick a white hot needle in your eye....now.) I'm sorta the second in command at Ye Olde Rock and Roll Truckstop,but until now I have rarely written anything for the Truckstop. So far my duties have been to sit in close proximity too Daisy while she was at the computer and ask her thought provoking questions such as: " How's that article c'mon along?," " Is that gonna take much longer?," and of course," Can I have another Yoo Hoo." It's apparent then to anyone how indispensable I've been to this publications continued exsistence, NAY dominance, in the world today. And yet, for some reason beyond the grasp of mortal intellect, Daisy and I had a bit of a spat concerning my output level for this global carrier of Rock N' Roll news.
Well, I might as well spill the beans regarding the cause of our disagreement, because, by now, I know all you little Rock N' Roll Truckstop fanatics would lie awake toinght, your eyes glued to the ceiling of your one room shanty, wondering what could cause a rift between the best team since Martian and Lewis. We were sitting in Daisy's living room coming up with story idea's, when, perhaps due to an unknown demonic possesion ,I rolled my eyes and sighed. Honestly though, rolling my eyes and sighing is second nature to me since I got my Master's Degree from the Sarcastic,Sardonic and Snide University of Pennsylvania. After that, and a few insightful, ( and by insightful I mean retarded and idiotic) comments by your's truly, Daisy managed to shoot deathray's out of her eye's, straight at me. I mean, I knew she had the freezing powers, and the ability to make time stand still, but deathrays!?!?!
After the vaporized pile of dust that used to be me was reassembled, it began to dawn on me that Daisy might think I wasn't pulling my weight regarding the magazine. That I might be *Gasp* lazy. I guess anything's possible.
On the way home ( Don't worry kid's, no permanent damage resulting from the above tremor.) I began thinking about being lazy. Maybe, just maybe, being lazy was something you were born with. Perhaps it was like diabetes, or asthma, or being a frat boy, a curse you had to live with because medical science couldn't cure you. Right now, with that human genome project I'm pretty sure the brains will find the laziness cure. Unfortunatley it may still be years away. Until then I think it would be a good idea for all hopeless slackasses such as myself to get a Lazy-Protection League formed. We could print pamphlets informing people about this disease, we could organize fund raiser's and parades'....No, wait a second, we couldn't do that because, well, we're fuckin' lazy. Maybe we could pay some motivated people to organize the whole...whoa, wait a minute...lazy equal's no job. No job equals no money. Foiled again. Hmmm, superfat people can get disability money, maybe lazy people could. Nah, those lazy fatties might get two checks in the mail, in that case. It seems perhaps the only way to deal with this problem, *gulp* might be for me to actually work. I guess for now work, ya know, actually doin' shit, will have to be my insulin when it comes to lazy. For now, that, and a swift kick in the ass by Daisy will have to do. Break out the beer and chips kid's, roll out that sofa sleeper, I'm gonna be around for a while.