| Jesse Grant Sunday October 31, 2004 Waterville, VT There is no fall in Vermont, apparently. After almost three weeks of spring weather and ostentatiously colored trees lording their natural beauty over our imperfect forms, the sky has blotted itself out and the grass has begun suffocating itself with frozen dew. It is around this time of year that many Americans start dying of the flu virus, nature�s greatest insult to those falling outside of the meaty part of the age curve. Once again humanity has found itself in forced audience with the true and decidedly hackneyed pathogenic answer to �prop comics�. The flu is much easier to beat than expected however: for those 98% of Americans unable to receive a vaccine this season, doctors at County General have begun offering treatment with a radical new form of inpatient orthography. Dr. Sanje Reite offered a brief overview of the treatment in a press statement earlier today: � On the one hand there is little doubt that the �flu� is �an acute febrile highly infectious viral disease�. On the other hand, we make the argument that the �flue� is a much more banal �tube for conveying hot air or gas� or even in the most serious of cases �a fishing net�.� The letterhead of County General�s Orthography division unabashedly boasts the benefits of the treatment as �An alternative to destiny�, a slogan that has immediately come under fire by the traditional views of the AMA, who published an open letter to County General mere hours after the conference: �We at the AMA are dishonored and outraged by the behavior of the professionals at County General�s Orthonography division. As the medical community well knows, fate is decided and executed by a trio of blinded hags who weave the threads of life by duration and attribute into a complex tapestry on an ethereal loom far beyond the realm of mortal sight. These facts are described thoroughly in entrance exams and furiously referenced in every edition of the PDR. To even suggest that a careless typo or gross misspelling of a common viral illness may circumvent the iron tracks of destiny is grounds for malpractice litigation.� Dr. Reite answered the letter later that afternoon with what he called �a personal statement�: � I find it unfortunate that the AMA has decided to pander to partisan politics simply because of the proximity in time to a presidential election. Our treatments may be criticized for being unorthodox, but to suggest that they are just typos and misspellings is the same kind of bureaucratic thinking that led to the P.A. debacle of �98.�* While County General is backlogged with patients seeking the new treatment, it�s efficacy remains to be seen, as well as whether or not it�s media buzz will effect the current political landscape. * Referring to the stunted box office turnouts of the Robin Williams movie �Patch Adams� after the AMA publicly criticized the film for ignoring the concert of baptismal rights and divination of the spirit realm necessary for humor to work as an effective medical treatment. |
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