| Jesse Grant: Staff Writer (AP) In a recent conference before a committee of community programmers Mayor Bloomberg made a call for action against the city's rash of jaywalking offenses. "This problem can not be solved by law enforcement alone, this is a social issue and must be addressed as such. We must band together to defeat this looming monster. Giuliani's anti-jaywalking plan was limp wristed and I intend to rectify his mistake" said Bloomberg to a mixed audience of teeth gnashers and petitioners. When questioned about the validity of an anti-jaywalking program in an era when the city could barely afford to keep its' educational institutions running, Bloomberg gave this response: "That fateful day of Nine Eleven has left our beloved city with many holes that need filling, we need to protect our freedom. No more sitting on our laurels." The Mayor added: "I also believe that such questions are unnecessary at this juncture, the last thing we need is people questioning the strength of this city. We don't want to let our troops down." Cardinal Edward Egan, who attended the conference, offered his opinion in the archdiocese offices where he held a brunch for his fellow committee members after the meeting concluded. "I have to say I support this community action, and will continue to support the legislation I'm sure will follow." The Cardinal continued: "These antique mahogany desks with gilded cherry inlays don't just materialize from nowhere <lighthearted chuckle>." When asked if he thought using tax dollars to purchase antiques for his office was disingenuous Egan responded "Clearly you have a misunderstanding on how much it costs to run a successful religion, transubstantiation alone costs a fifteen pound ruby cross per miracle, and that one happens every day!" The interview quickly lilted into a rambling dissertation of random antiques gracing his slate and oak trim shelving. After a twelve minute one-sided discussion of a 1913 mechanical penny bank shaped like a clown, this reporter mentioned his newly purchased IKEA(tm) Futon and the Cardinal became verbally abusive. |
| Bloomberg is Booming (Again) |