by Jetta
�Orion is a beast,� Goldberg complained in the locker room after practice. He�s the only one that ever complains. The rest of us are used to gruelling practices, yet to Goldberg, they still come as a shock.
Dwayne yawned as he stripped off his uniform and pads, slipping clothes on straight over the top. �See ya�ll later,� he said and sauntered out.
Everyone took their time getting dressed and showering, I guess the practice had taken it out of everyone, not just Goldberg.
I took a quick shower and emerged, slightly wet, but clad in my boxer shorts. I was relieved that Guy had left already. The only people left were Charlie, Fulton and I.
I tried my hardest not to watch Charlie as he was getting dressed, but it was so hard. His physique is amazing. He�s muscly and strong, but not on the beefcake side. Nice, proportioned.
I looked up and caught Fulton�s eye. He raised one eyebrow and left the locker room, a knowing smile on his face.
What did that mean? Did Fulton catch me eyeing Charlie? God, I hope not, that could possibly be the end of my secret. And my life.
�Can I ask you a question?� Charlie asked, turning around and pulling his old Led Zeppelin shirt over his head.
I nodded, sitting down after doing up my pants, pulling on shoes and socks.
�What�s with Guy?�
I swallowed. �What do you mean?�
Charlie scoffed. �You mean you haven�t noticed how out of it he�s been? Depressed?�
I shrugged. �I guess, but he hasn�t said anything to me.�
�I thought he would�ve. You guys are pretty good friends.�
�Yeah, I guess so.� I tied up my shoelace. �What do you think could be bothering him?�
It was Charlie�s turn to shrug as he pulled on one of his shoes. �Maybe because he broke up with Halle. I mean, they had a thing for like, 3 years. That�s gotta hurt.�
�I suppose so.� I answered, reaching for my shirt and slipping it on over my wet hair.
�Hey Banks?� Charlie called out to me.
I looked up at him. �Yeah?�
�You don�t have a thing for Julie, do you?�
Oh crap. �How�d you guess?�
He laughed. �Come on, I know you better than you think I do.�
With that he hiked his backpack up and left the locker room, leaving me to contemplate what on Earth he was talking about.
I was packing my stuff into my bag when the door swung open, and Fulton strode in.
�Hey,� I said, zipping up my bag.
�Hi,� he responded. �We need to talk.�
I looked at him, waiting patiently for him to continue.
�You�re gay, aren�t you?�
I exhaled loudly. �I � uh, don�t know what you�re talking about,� I squeaked.
Fulton smiled, only slightly. �I think you do.�
I looked at him nervously. �Even if I did, talking about it here wouldn�t be appropriate.�
He shrugged. �Ok, lets go somewhere and talk about it.�
I eyed Fulton nervously. Did he just want to take me somewhere and beat the crap out of me? I seriously hoped not.
I picked up my bag and followed him out of the complex and into the early evening. We found a bench outside of the dorms and I sat down nervously, wondering if a beating was to follow.
�Ok, now lets talk.�
�About what?�
Fulton laughed. �Come on Banks, you�re not that stupid.�
I shrugged. �I might be.�
He shot me a look. �I�m not gonna hurt you. If that�s what you�re thinking.�
�Why do you wanna know so bad?�
�I�ve seen you looking at Charlie. No dude looks at another dude that way if he doesn�t�like him. In a special way.�
I smiled. �Am I that obvious?�
Fulton�s eyes sorta bugged out a bit. �So, you are gay?�
I nodded. �You�re not gonna kill me are you?�
He snorted. �Why would I? I mean, I�m cool with gay people. My older brother is gay. Has been for 5 years.�
�I didn�t know.�
�There�s a lot you don�t know about me, Banks,� Fulton said, somewhat mysteriously. I had to wonder if he was gonna come onto me.
�You�re not�are you?� I asked, fiddling with the zip on my bag.
He shook his head. �No way. I love girls way too much.�
I laughed. It actually felt better, being truthful with someone.
�I�m glad you told me,� Fulton said.
�So am I,� I answered. And I meant it. I was so scared of telling people; sure they�d think I was some kind of freak. But now that Fulton knows, I guess I�m not that scared.
�I won�t tell anyone,� he told me. �I won�t say anything to Charlie about how you like him.�
�Thanks,� I said softly.
**
~|~ Tuesday 6:12am
So, Fulton knows. And you know what, it�s not weird. I admit I stayed awake all night last night just thinking about what it would be like to come out. To have everyone know. And the thought still scares me.
Guy�s asleep right now. He didn�t get in until 2 this morning. I just hope he�s ok. I feel really bad about everything, and I know this is stupid, but did I turn him gay? I mean, by telling him about my sexual preference, did that influence his decision? That sounds stupid.
I think I�m gonna tell Charlie how I feel. I can�t believe I just wrote that, I must be high. Or at least lacking some brain cells. Speaking of brain cells, I got an A on that legal exam. I went and asked Mrs Buchanan yesterday afternoon. I wonder what Charlie got. I�ll go see him before breakfast.
I�m gonna leave Guy sleeping this morning. I think the last thing he wants to do is face everyone at breakfast. I�ll just bring him back something. I didn�t realise everyone sorta picked up on his mood until Charlie asked me what was going on yesterday.
My dad called last night. Wanted to know what I was going to do for the holidays. I want to spend it with the Ducks, our last Christmas before college and all that. Maybe I�ll suggest it at breakfast. My dad told me about all these scouts coming to one of the Eden Hall games in a few weeks, and it was funny, I didn�t really care. I mean, I care about hockey, but maybe being pro isn�t what I want. Maybe I should be a doctor.
Guy�s stirring, I should go. I need to go see Charlie.
-Adam D. Banks ~|~
**
�Hey, what did you get for the legal exam?� I asked Charlie at breakfast.
He smiled through a mouthful of Cocoa Pops. �B+.�
�Cool,� I told him. �I knew you could do it.�
�Only because you drilled it into me for three days.� Charlie said.
I blushed at his comment, lowering my face to my toast, making sure he didn�t notice how much his phrasing had affected me.
�What about you, what did you get?�
�A,� I answered.
�Surprise, surprise,� he teased.
I rolled my eyes as something kicked me under the table. It was Fulton, who was sitting opposite Charlie.
He shot me a look and I flipped him off discreetly.
�What are we doing for Christmas, guys?� Connie asked.
�We should spend it together,� I suggested. �Our last one before college.�
Everyone seemed to agree.
�We should go on a road trip or rent a house in L.A or something,� Portman suggested.
I looked around the table at all my friends. What would happen if I stood on my chair and yelled out that I was gay? You think they�d notice?
�Banks, what do you think?�
I flew back to attention, staring at Fulton as he asked me the question.
�Oh, anything would be cool.�
They all went off about Christmas plans, but I didn�t really listen. I turned my head and saw Guy walking past the cafeteria, a big stack of white paper in his hands.
�Hey Guy!� Portman boomed. Everyone in the cafeteria looked toward him. Portman had that affect.
Guy sauntered over, a jaunty smile on his face. �Hey guys.�
�What you got there?� Dwayne drawled, pointing to the paper.
�Oh, something you all might find interesting.�
He proceeded to hand out a few pieces of paper, joined together by a staple. As one was passed under my nose, I recognised the letterhead. My journal.
My breath caught in my throat as I grabbed one and scanned the first few lines. It was my journal.
I looked up at Guy who was expectantly looking at me, with a look of pure joy in his eyes.
I couldn�t believe this. Guy had found my journal and was handing out copies to all my friends.
�Is this for real?� Goldberg asked from the end of the table, and each Duck turned and looked at me, as I sat there pale and quivering.
They expected me to answer, but I just got up and sped out of the cafeteria, before the barrage of criticisms and opinions hit me.
Why would Guy do this? Because I rejected him?
�Banks! Adam! Wait!� Fulton was chasing after me, and I could tell, even without looking around, that he was gaining on me. There was no stopping him. �Wait!� he yelled as his hand clamped on my arm and pulled me to a stop in the middle of the sparse quad.
I was panting, my lungs aching for air, my face pale and my hands shaking.
�What�s going on?� Fulton demanded.
�I � I � I don�t know,� I admitted.
�Is this yours?� he asked, holding up the incriminating journal.
I nodded. �I had it on my computer�I � I � why�� I trailed off and sank to the grass in defeated shock.
�Why would Guy do that?� Fulton demanded, sitting down beside me.
�He � he � he told me he was in love with me�and I told him that nothing could happen because I liked someone else��
�Shit,� Fulton muttered. �He did this because you rejected him?�
I nodded. �I guess so, I don�t know�and now they all know�oh, God.�
Fulton placed two steadying hands on my shoulders. �This is not the end of the world.�
I looked up at him with disbelieving eyes. �Yes it is! You haven�t read this! It has my most private and deepest thoughts!�
�They would�ve found out eventually,� Fulton pointed out.
�Yes, but not by reading it in the Eden Hall News!�
�Listen to me, the Ducks are your friends, they�re not gonna treat you any differently.�
I fell back on the grass, my eyes looking up to the sky. I think I stopped breathing. I think the life and the fight in me just slipped out. Blown away on the wind.
�Adam. Listen to me. I�m gonna help you, ok?�
Fulton was talking, but I wasn�t listening, I couldn�t. I blamed Mr Beechman. If he had never mentioned the whole shitty journal thing, I never would�ve started one. And then Guy never would�ve printed it out to show the whole world. I could imagine one being directly mailed to my parent�s house.
�My life is over,� I muttered mutely.
�No, it�s not. It�s gonna be ok.�
�Is he ok?� I heard someone ask from above me. It was Julie.
�Not really,� Fulton answered. �He�s in some sort of shock.�
�We should get him inside, he�ll freeze to death on this wet grass.�
Fulton pulled me up off the grass and slung an arm around me and walked me toward the dorms. My feet cooperated, but I didn�t know how. I wasn�t capable of thought.
He threw open the door to his room and lay me down on his bed. I didn�t want to be here.
�No, I can�t see Charlie,� I muttered, trying to sit up and get away.
Fulton pushed me back down firmly. �You�re not rooming with Guy, Adam. Not after what he did to you.�
�What?� Julie asked.
�Guy told Adam that he liked him, and Adam rejected him,� Fulton filled in. �And so Guy did this.�
�Oh man�� Julie breathed. �That sucks. But what does Charlie have to do with it?�
Fulton swallowed. �Adam likes Charlie.�
�Oh.�
�Yeah.�
I wanted to scream. I wanted to hurt someone. I wanted to hurt Guy, for hurting me. I never thought, in a million years he�d do anything like this. He was always such a good friend. I never thought he�d be the one do to this.
I didn�t know what to do.
�I should go to class,� I said, sitting up.
�Are you sure you wanna do that?� Julie asked me, placing a steadying hand on my shoulder.
I nodded. �I can�t afford to fail.�
�That�s not what I mean,� she said.
I looked up at her. �I can�t hide forever.�
