~|~ Monday, 7:49am
Charlie�s still sleeping, snoring peacefully. I don�t want to wake him, he looks so cute bundled up under the covers, a goofy grin on his face, his hair a mess. But I know if I don�t wake him soon, we�ll miss breakfast. And our first class.
I don�t know how to describe the way I�m feeling right now. Elated? I guess so, but I can�t help thinking that it�s all too perfect, if you know what I mean? Like I�m expecting the hammer to drop and shatter the past two days into tiny, irreplaceable pieces.
That�s depressing.
I don�t want to think about depressing things today, I want to be happy and completely sad-free! I just want to be in love.
I wonder if Charlie would mind me climbing into bed next to him?
Adam D. Banks ~|~
**
�Morning,� I said softly, my lips lightly brushing Charlie�s ear as he slept.
A smile curved onto his face. �Morning,� he muttered, reaching out blindly to pull me close.
I relented and let him hug me to his still-warm body beneath the covers.
�You need to get up if you want breakfast,� I told him softly, resting my forehead against his.
He pushed the back the covers and opened his eyes. �Why don�t I have you for breakfast?�
I laughed. �Dirty boy. Get up,� I got out of bed and instantly my body ached to be next to his again, to feel his arms around me, to feel his breath on my cheek.
But I didn�t give in to my desires. I just fetched a pair of cargo shorts and a t-shirt, throwing them at Charlie.
�Up,� I commanded, smoothing out my somewhat crinkled polo shirt.
He groaned and sat up, pushing a hand through his messy bed-head. �Slave driver�� he muttered as he got up and stumbled toward the bathroom, shutting the door and turning on the spray.
I smiled to myself as I sat down on my bed, pulling my skate shoes on my feet, and packing my backpack for the day. I had physics, advanced geometry and legal studies, and two free periods. Fun.
The door to the bathroom suddenly opened and Charlie stood, a towel wrapped around his waist.
�Got a pair of boxers I can swipe?�
I blushed and got up, retrieving a pair from my drawer, throwing them at him. �Now get back in there before I�m forced to de-towel you.�
He laughed and shut the door, and I could hear him getting dressed as he softly sang a song.
As I was brushing my hair, Charlie came out from the bathroom, his hair wet and neatly combed, looking mighty delicious in my clothes.
�These aren�t so bad,� he commented, pulling his own shoes on. �I have to admit, you have style, cake-eater.�
I laughed and pulled him into my arm as he stood up. �And you have an amazing body.�
He smiled. �I need to stop by my room to get my books.�
I nodded and reluctantly let him go as we left my room, heading down the hall. We entered.
�Hey Fulton,� I greeted as he was shoving things into his bag.
�Hey,� he said. �Where have you been the past two nights?� he asked Charlie, a smile on his face.
Charlie shrugged. �Adam and I spent them together in his room, passionately exploring each other.�
Fulton made a face. �God, that�s gross.�
I laughed and blushed. �It�s ok, it�s not true.�
�Thank God�� Fulton muttered.
Charlie grabbed his bag and got his books, looking to me. �So, breakfast?�
I nodded and moved out into the hall, waiting for Charlie and Fulton.
We headed down the hall, talking aimlessly when I felt Charlie�s hand slip into mine. I smiled and bit the inside of my lip to keep from impulsively kissing him, and I noticed Fulton giving us a look.
We made it through the cafeteria line painlessly and took a table, shortly joined by Julie and Portman, who shot knowing looks between them.
�So, spill. Couple or not?� Portman demanded, hooking into his massive breakfast.
I blushed. �Couple.�
�Woo hoo!� Julie crowed, getting the attention from nearby tables. �Pay up, I said they�d be a couple by this morning.�
Portman grumbled and handed over $10.
�You guys bet on our coupling?� Charlie asked, feigning insult.
Julie shrugged. �I knew it would be a sure thing. You two were meant to be together.�
I smiled and looked over at Charlie, who was smiling back at me. His hand found my thigh under the table and squeezed.
I turned my attention back to my breakfast, and ate my toast happily.
Julie caught my eye as I was sipping my juice. �Congrats.�
I smiled. �Thanks.�
She smiled at me and squeezed my hand over the table. And again, I thanked God that there were people as wonderful as Julie Gaffney on this earth.
�Banks, we got physics,� Portman quipped, picking his satchel up off the floor and slinging it over his body.
I looked over at Charlie, disheartened that I wouldn�t see him till lunch.
�Bye,� I said softly, taking his hand.
He smiled. �Bye,� he echoed, leaning over and placing a sound kiss on my lips.
My cheeks blushed a furious shade of red and I stood up on shaky legs.
�See ya later,� Fulton said, trying to hide a smile.
I waved and followed Portman out of the cafeteria towards our physics class.
**
�What�s it like?� Portman hissed at me as our physics teacher immersed himself in hydrocratic equations.
�What?� I hissed back, scribbling a problem in my book.
�Being with another guy?�
I put my pen down and looked at Portman. Everything was so hard for him. The Ducks barely acknowledged his presence. I felt bad for him.
�It�s what I�ve been waiting for,� I said truthfully.
Portman�s eyes filled with longing, with sadness. �I wish I had that.�
I clapped him on the back discreetly. �You will. I know you will.�
He smiled. �Thanks Banksie,� he told me, going back to his work.
I watched him as he wrote hastily, raising his eyes to the front of the room ever so often to copy the work down. He was going through a lot. His friends have alienated him and he doesn�t have anyone to tell him it�s ok.
�Hey Portman,� I called softly.
He looked back at me. �Yeah?�
�If I wasn�t with Charlie, I�d date you.�
He snorted softly. �No offense, Banksie, but you don�t float my boat, if you know what I mean.�
I smiled. �That�s ok then.�
I went back to my physics feeling a little better for Portman. So what if he didn�t have a boyfriend, he had me and Julie and Fulton and Charlie.
�Mr Banks. Care to share what�s so fascinating about Mr Portman?� Mr Goodrick called out from the front of the classroom.
I blushed and shook my head. �No sir,� I muttered, picking up my pen and busying myself with my work.
**
Hockey practice.
Whoever decided the Varsity hockey team needed to practice after a full day of classes needs to be shot.
I�m just glad I get to sit on the bench.
�I don�t see why we need to practice,� Portman grumbled as he, Julie, Charlie, Fulton and I made our way into the rink.
�I can see why you need to practice,� Julie teased.
Portman caught her around the waist and threw her over his shoulder. �That�s enough outta you, girlie!�
I laughed as we walked, looking around at our small group. And that�s what it was. Just Portman, Fulton, Julie, Charlie and I. And I really liked it that way. I mean, don�t get me wrong, I loved being apart of the Ducks, but I can�t force them to accept who I am.
�You gonna stay for practice?� Charlie asked me softly as we rounded the hallway towards the locker rooms.
I nodded. �Wouldn�t miss it for the world��
He smiled and leant in to kiss me.
�Not such a good idea,� I said sadly. �The last thing we need if for you to be ostracized by your team, Captain.�
Charlie patted my shoulder. �I know what you mean. But in some aspects, I don�t care.�
I smiled. �Well, does it make you feel better that at this moment I�m sending a hundred imaginary kisses?�
He smiled. �Yeah, it does.�
I grinned. �I�ll see you out on the ice.�
I waited until Charlie had disappeared into the locker rooms before I headed back down the hallway and into the stadium, finding my place in the box.
I exhaled and watched my breath dance before me eyes. I wanted to feel the way I did when I skated.
�Hey Banks,� Orion greeted me as he stepped into the box. �How�s the wrist?�
�OK,� I answered. �I have a check-up on Wednesday.�
Orion nodded, looking over something on his clipboard. �Good to hear. Actually, now that you�re here, you can do something for me.�
�Yeah?� I asked, looking up at him.
�I just want you to go over these hockey plays I�ve got, take a look at them, see if anything needs to be added.� He handed me the clipboard.
I took it from him. Never once in the whole time the Ducks had been under Coach Orion�s lead, had he ever asked a player to look at plays.
I flipped through some of the pages of computerized plays, my eyes roaming them, taking in every detail.
�Banks?�
I looked up.
�I want you to still feel included,� Orion said. �I know your wrist is hurting you a lot more than just physically, so I want you to be up here with me at games and practices, helping me out.�
I smiled. �Thanks Coach.�
He grinned and turned away, ending our conversation.
My hands grazed the pages of the plays, and I drank up every little detail, my hockey senses kicking in and imagining the plays happening on the ice.
I barely looked up when Orion blew the whistle, signifying the start of practice. My eyes were transfixed on the drawings, and I was distinctly aware of the pencil in my left hand, itching to be used.
I came across a play and began readily scribbling in the margins about what I thought needed to be done.
�How�s it coming along?�
I looked up at Coach Orion who had paused in front of the box, looking at me inquisitively.
�Not too bad,� I told him. �Most of these are perfect, there are just a few that needed a little something extra��
He nodded. �Keep at it.�
I watched as he skated away and my eyes caught Charlie�s. I smiled at him and he smiled back, his face hidden partially by his helmet.
I smiled to myself and put my head back down, working furiously on the plays.
**
~|~ Thursday, 2:19pm. 3 Weeks since I last wrote.
Man, so much stuff has happened in these part thre weeks. I finished my last exam 2 days ago, the Ducks won the play-offs against Blair Prepatory, and, oh yeah, I�m graduating tomorrow.
God, saying that gives me the charge of a lifetime. I survived high school, and tomorrow, I get to stand in front of my friends and family and prove it.
You�re probably curious as to where Charlie and I stand? Don�t worry journal, we�re still together. It�s been the freakiest three weeks of my life. I�m in a relationship that may very well be pulled apart by college. And I�m scared, but I�m trying to hold on to the time Charlie and I have before we might be forced to split up.
I forgot to mention, I got into Georgetown. Seems since I haven�t been playing hockey, I�ve been using my time to improve my studies.
When I sat down to write this, I thought I would have a lot to say. But now, sitting here looking at the page, there isn�t really much to write down. My life is seemingly good. I�ve been off my Xanax for 3 weeks (yahoo!), and my wrist is healing nicely, says my doctor. And I have Charlie. Charlie, who makes life worth living.
We�re closer than ever. And no, I don�t mean sexually. We�ve decided not to sleep together until we know it�s right. Having sex with Charlie in my dorm room isn�t exactly how I imagined our first time together, you know? It�s our first month anniversary next month, and I�m planning a ridiculously romantic evening.
Oh, important news! I�m not going home for Christmas? Portman, Julie, Fulton, Charlie and I have rented this awesome house in St. Paul for the holidays and we�re going to have our own Christmas. I�m just damn glad I don�t have to go home and see my parents. They still don�t know I�m gay. And hopefully, I won�t have to tell them for a long time.
In fact, when I think about it, not many people actually know that I�m gay. The Ducks know, but they haven�t said anything. They don�t even know that Charlie and I are together. Which makes our relationship so much more special.
As I sit here and look around my room, it�s weird to see most of my stuff packed up in boxes. I�m leaving Eden Hall and I�m going to college, and it�s possibly the scariest thing I�ve ever had to deal with. This chapter of my life is ending and another one is gonna begin next year.
I hate thinking about change. I hate change. I�ve never adapted well to new things. But I have amazing friends by my side. And speaking of which, Charlie should be here soon.
Adam D. Banks ~|~
**
�Hey gorgeous.�
I smiled as Charlie came into my room, a smile on his face.
�Hey beautiful,� I answered, pulling him into my arms for a hug.
He hugged me back tightly, his hands grazing my waist. �We gotta talk.�
I let go of him and looked up. �That doesn�t sound good.�
He shrugged and sat down on my bed. I sat next to him.
�It isn�t good,� he said, taking my hand in his.
�Well, what is it?�
�I got accepted to California University on a full hockey scholarship.�
I smiled. �Oh Charlie, that�s great!� I leaned over and kissed his cheek.
�But I don�t wanna go!�
I drew back. �Why not?�
He looked over at me sadly. �I don�t want to leave you.�
Tears crept into my eyes and my heart beat faster. �Charlie Conway, you are the most amazing, sensitive man I�ve ever known.�
I pulled him into my arms and hugged him.
�I really don�t want to leave you, Adam,� he whispered into my hair.
I pulled back, looking him in the eye. �I know you don�t. But this is college we�re talking about. You can�t give this up for me.�
A tear rolled down his cheek. �I know you�re right, but I don�t know how I�m supposed to leave you.�
I brushed his tears away. �Charlie, I love you, you know I do. But this is your education. And I�m always going to be here.�
I didn�t admit that it killed me inside, the thought of losing him. Because it did. It really did.
