~|~ Friday, 9:23am
Merry Christmas journal! Sorry I haven�t written in so long, studying for finals took up a lot more time than I expected! Can you actually believe I�ve survived three years of college? I can�t. I honestly can�t.
So, I�m going home. I�m on my plane, headed for Minnesota. I haven�t been home since last Christmas, but there was nothing really there to be excited about. This year, Charlie�s coming home.
I don�t mention him much anymore in here, do I? I guess not, but that�s because there isn�t much to say. We used to write and email all the time, but for the past 8 months�we�ve drifted apart. I don�t consider us �together� anymore. And although it hurts, much more than I care to admit, I�m trying to get on with life. But that doesn�t mean I�m not excited about going home and seeing him. I mean, we�re 22 now, I wonder what�s changed. I wonder if he looks any different?
I spoke to Julie earlier this morning, she called from the house. She told me that Fulton and Portman say hi and that she can�t wait till I get home. Charlie should be getting in sometime this morning too. She got in yesterday. She told me that nothing�s changed.
Anyway, I think I did pretty good on my finals, although my organic chemistry test nearly killed me. It was brutal, but I�m confident about physics, biology, art history and political science. And I hope my professors feel the same way. Georgetown is an amazing school, and I was lucky enough to be one of a few freshmen who got a single room.
God, here I am blabbing on about school, avoiding what I am so obviously thinking about. Charlie Conway. Why can�t I get him off my mind? I did fine for three years without thinking about him every second of every day. And now, as soon as I get on the plane and head home, knowing that he�s going to be there, is freaking me out. I�m a basket case. My hands are shaking and I�m glad I�m sitting down, because I�d probably pass out.
As Minnesota gets closer and closer, my thoughts of Charlie get more and more frequent. All the amazing times we spent together over the winter break, three years ago. The first time we made love�all the things that intrinsically summed us up. Past tense. I have to keep reminding myself that Charlie and I are past tense. I haven�t seen him in forever, I can�t expect him to just jump back into my arms.
But God how I�ve missed him. We had something so special, and now, I feel sort of�empty. How does he manage to do this to me when he�s across the other side of the country? I seem to have so many unanswered questions about him it�s driving me insane.
Ok, I need to make a pact that I will close this journal and not think about Charlie Conway. Yeah, like that�s going to happen. I�d much rather sit here and type for the rest of the flight than sit and not think about what I�m thinking about. WHY IS THIS SO HARD???
Ok, new topic, hockey. The last game I had before finals was really good. We won 4-1. I love playing for the Georgetown Greats, all the physical therapy in my freshmen year really payed off. Even if it did take a while. But it�s all worth it because I�m playing again. And I never imagined playing with anyone but the Ducks, but now, the Greats have become like brothers to me. They�re an amazing team that I�m lucky to be apart of.
According to the captain, we�re landing soon. I think my blood pressure just rose about six billion times the normal reading. Julie�s picking me up, and I�m glad, because she�s always ready to listen to tales of my torrid love life.
Leaving now, we�re getting ready to land.
Adam D. Banks ~|~
**
I took a deep breath as I collected my suitcases, loading them into a baggage cart. I don�t even know how I got off the plane, my nerves are so jangled. I keep checking my watch, and let me tell you, it moves slowly when you watch it every five seconds.
Thankfully the airport isn�t very busy, so at least I don�t have to worry about suddenly developing claustrophobia and passing out.
I pushed my cart haphazardly through the airport, looking for Julie�s familiar face.
�How is it possible that you keep getting more and more good looking?�
I smiled and turned around, reaching out to pull Julie into my arms.
�Hey kiddo,� I greeted, my arms wrapped tight around her waist.
�Hey there,� she said back, letting me go. �You look amazing.�
I took the time to look over her body appreciatively. �You don�t look to bad yourself.�
She�d gotten a little bit taller and lost a bit of weight since I�d seen her last Christmas.
She linked her arm through mine as we began to walk, forging towards the exit. �How was your flight?�
�Hell on wheels,� I responded disdainfully as we reached the outside of the terminal, the cold Minnesota weather lashing at my face.
Julie grinned. �Well, I can�t promise you a fun time here, anyway. Supposedly there have been huge amounts of snow recorded.�
�Are you kidding? You don�t know how much I�ve missed a true Minnesota Christmas. Seems like eons ago I was actually here, not just a year ago.�
She nodded as we reached her car. �Minnesota has certainly missed you, Adam Banks.� She popped her trunk. �How is hockey going, anyway?�
I nodded. �Good, really good. I love playing for the Greats, it�s a nice change. Not to say that I don�t value my time with the Ducks��
She smiled. �Good, because the whole team has disbanded. There ARE no Ducks.�
�Really?� I asked, shoving my bags into the trunk.
�Really. Even though most of them stayed here in Minnesota for college, they�re all playing separately now. I think only Portman and Fulton are two of the Ducks who are actually still on the same team.�
�How are they? Portman and Fulton?�
She smiled and unlocked the car, and we both climbed in out of the cold air. �They�re good. Portman�s still in shock that he�s in college, and Fulton, you know Fulton, he just takes it all as he comes.�
I nodded as we pulled away from the curb, my stomach in knots and my palms sweaty.
�Just ask me.�
I looked over. �Ask you what?�
Julie shot me a look. �About Charlie. Whether he�s home.�
I forced a very fake laugh and blushed. �Why would I care?�
�Because in every email you�ve written me since you left for Georgetown has had his name in it somewhere.�
I turned away from her and looked out the window. �So�is he home yet?�
�No, he�s not. He should be here by tonight, though.�
I exhaled slowly, and tried to calm my nerves.
�Adam�when did you last talk to him?�
I looked over at her. �A while. Months.�
�You�re not together anymore?�
I shook my head. �I think it was over when we stopped calling, emailing, everything. It ended when we just, grew apart.�
Her hand found mine. �You miss him?�
I nodded. �I miss him so much.�
She squeezed my hand and we drove home in silence, my thoughts bouncing around inside my head like an aggravated ping-pong match. No one had won the match even as we pulled into the all-familiar driveway.
�Home sweet home,� Julie said wryly, climbing out of the car, pulling her coat tighter around her.
I got out too and looked up at the house. I hadn�t been home in a year, yet the place still looked exactly the same. Painted yellow and blue, with a broken shutter on the living room window, and a garage door that doesn�t work.
But I loved it. It reminded me of the funs time I�d had with my friends.
�Banksie!�
Portman bounded out of the house and threw himself at me, hugging me tight.
�Hello Dean,� I said, prying him off me as Fulton appeared.
He smiled. �Hey there.�
I smiled back and pulled him into a less severe hug that Portman had given me.
�How�s life?� he asked me as he let me go.
I shrugged. �I need to think of an answer to that one.�
He laughed and accepted my duffel bag that Portman handed to him.
It was good to be home.
�I guess you wanna unpack?� Julie said, walking into the house with me, heading for the stairs.
I nodded. �Unpack and a nap maybe.�
She smiled. �I�ll heed off the bash brothers so you can settle back in peacefully.�
�Thanks,� I said, kissing her cheek.
I headed up the stairs, my bedroom in view. I pushed the door opened and smiled. It�d been too long since I�d been home, and everything was covered in a thin film of dust.
I ran my finger along my desk, leaving a trail in the dust. My posters were all the way in Washington, so the daisy wallpaper was exposed. It was oddly comforting. This was my room, in a house I shared with my friends. It was nothing like my dorm room.
�Spaz!�
My head shot up. Charlie was home already?
I walked out of my room and onto the landing. From where I stood I couldn�t see anything, but could hear the conversation.
�What are you doing home so early?� Julie asked, excitement in her voice.
�I caught an earlier flight.� He mumbled something I didn�t catch. ��and this is Austin Gallagher.�
Charlie bought someone home with him?
I inched down the stairs further, thankful that you couldn�t see them from the front entryway, and listened.
��yeah, we met through the frat house�Kappa�pledges�6 months��
I sank down onto the carpeted stair and took a deep breath. Charlie was in a frat? He has a boyfriend?
I couldn�t breathe, the walls around me were sliding in, crushing me. I needed to get out of the house. But how could I when Charlie and Mr Wonderful were blocking my escape?
I got up and went down the stairs, trying to look nonchalant.
�Adam.�
I looked over at Charlie who looked distinctly uncomfortable. But in the three years since I�d seen him, he�d changed. He�d gotten taller and skinnier, and his hair was a bit longer. But he still looked like the same old Charlie.
�Hey Charlie,� I said, walking over to the group. Julie, Portman and Fulton stood around, looking at their shoes, while this Austin person smiled.
�Austin Gallagher,� he said, sticking his hand out.
I had the sudden urge to break his arm. �Adam Banks,� I said instead, shaking his hand politely.
�How have you been?� Charlie asked, moving forward and pulling me into a short and awkward hug.
�Fine.�
I pulled away from him and stood, shoving my hands in my pockets and tried not to cry.
Everyone stood around and made small talk, and I was angry to see that Austin was quite the comedian.
�We should let you get settled in,� Julie said suddenly.
Charlie smiled. �That would be good. The flight was murder.�
I took a deep breath and wandered off into the kitchen, wondering if there was any chocolate.
�You ok?� Fulton asked, leaning against the bench.
I shrugged. �Austin seems mighty fantastic.�
�None of us had any idea Charlie was bringing someone home.�
�Whatever,� I said. �It doesn�t matter, it�s clear that whatever we had three years ago is definitely over.�
Fulton moved forward. �I�m sorry Banks.�
I smiled wryly. �Hey, it�s not your fault. Times change, and obviously, so do people.�
**
~|~ Friday, 10:41pm
I haven�t written twice in one day for some time, but today needs a double entry.
I had the worst day. After Charlie and Austin settled in, we all had an uncomfortable lunch together, where Mr. Amazing talked about nothing but how fabulous Charlie was. And about their frat house, Kappa Omega Zeta. Although I don�t know Charlie as well as I used to, I never would�ve thought in a million years that he would join a frat house, or be associated with anyone in one.
I guess it just goes to show how everything really has changed. And it�s scary. The thing is, though, I don�t feel like I�ve changed. I still feel the same as I did three years ago. I�m still harbouring feelings for Charlie. I really thought I was over him at the beginning of this year, that I was ready to move on, but seeing him again, with someone else who isn�t me has just crushed my soul.
I�m in my bedroom now, door closed, shades drawn, my lamp on. I don�t want anyone to know I�m awake, because the last thing I want to do is deal with sympathetic looks and the dreaded �how are you doing?� question. It�s tempting to just jump on a plane and head back to Washington. I don�t want to be here, I don�t want to see Charlie happy.
Its times like these I just wish I�d never went to Georgetown. What if I�d stayed, or what if I�d gone to California University with Charlie? Would we still be together? Or would we be more estranged then we are now?
I keep remembering something he said to me on our graduation day from Eden Hall. I�ll always remember it�~|~
�This is all so overwhelming, isn�t it?�
I nodded and leant over, placing my head in the crook of Charlie�s neck. �I can�t believe we only have three more months together��
He sighed.
Graduation should be liberating, an exhilarating experience that you never ever forget, but for me, it was certainly one I wouldn�t forget, but not because of the possibilities.
�We can always visit each other during the holidays.�
I chuckled wryly. �We both know that won�t happen. Between classes and hockey for you, you�ll barely have time to sleep let alone hop a 747 to Washington.�
�I love you Adam.�
A tear slid down my cheek. �I love you Charlie.� I lifted my head and looked at him.
He took a deep breath and took my hands in his. �Alright, listen to me. I want you to remember this moment. I don�t know what�s gonna happen in the future when we go to college, and I want to say I�m sorry for everything. Going to UCLA feels like the biggest mistake of my life. But we need to find away to get through it, I don�t know how�but we have to. Because I don�t wanna live my life without you.�
The tears fell faster and I eased myself into his embrace, and we held each other while we cried.
~|~ God. I really believed him, when he said we�d be together for always. And now look at us. Look at me. Alone.
I just can�t let go of him and of what we had. It�s impossible, how do you let go the most amazing thing in your life?
Adam D. Banks. ~|~
