I looked up at Dr Tethers who stood over me, a tight smile on her lips.
�I really need to take a look at your ankle.�
I nodded and sat up, rubbing my eyes with one hand. �Do I have to leave him?� I asked her, looking at Billy�s broken body on the bed.
She shook her head. �No. I bought enough supplies to take a look here.�
I nodded again and turned around in my seat, propping my injured foot up on a chair.
Dr Tethers didn�t speak as she gingerly removed the blood-soaked gauze.
I flinched as my gaze settled on the marred cut on my ankle, covered in dry blood.
�There�s a little bit of glass still in here,� Dr Tethers murmured as she selected a pair of sterilised tweezers, and began picking at my wound. �What exactly happened here?�
I winced and sucked in a deep breath as the tweezers plucked at the tender flesh. �I dropped a beer bottle. It must have smashed.�
�Obviously. Sorry this hurts,� she said softly as she freed a piece of green glass. �I think that�s it.�
I let my breath out slowly as she ran an antiseptic soaked pad over the cut.
�You certainly know how to make a mess of yourself, don�t you?� she mused softly as she re-bandaged my ankle.
�I like to be noticed,� I said grimly as she fixed the bandage closed.
My eyes drifted back to Billy, still motionless on the bed.
�May I ask how long you�ve been seeing each other?�
I whipped my head around, eyes settling on the doctor. �Seeing each other?� I echoed. �We�re not together�at least, not like that,� I told her.
�Oh,� she said, a surprised look crossing her face. �Just friends?�
I nodded. �We�re here in New Zealand working��
�What sort of work do you do?� Dr Tethers asked, packing up her supplies, depositing them into the bin.
�We�re actors.�
�Oh�Lord Of The Rings?�
I nodded and looked back at Billy. His chest rose and fell very slowly, as if each breath was a struggle. It broke my heart to see him lying there, fighting so hard for his life, and there was nothing I could do to fight alongside him.
�Is there anyone you�d like to contact?�
I shook my head.
�Friends, perhaps? Some sort of support for you?�
I smiled slightly. The friend I needed, the friend I wanted was on the precipice of death.
Dr Tethers placed her hand on my shoulder. �If you need me, please press the nurse�s call button.�
I nodded mutely, resting my chin on the blankets next to Billy�s upper arm, watching his chest inflate as he breathed in, and then slowly deflate as he exhaled. �I did this to him, didn�t I?�
My question was answered by the door clicking shut. Dr Tethers missed my question. I buried my face into the bed linens, breathing in the potent stench of too much bleach.
Billy�s belongings were still scattered over the bed, I didn�t have the heart to pack them up back into the plastic bag. It just felt too final. Like if I put them away, the next time I would be looking at them, Billy wouldn�t be alive.
I looked at the time on Billy�s watch, and noticed it was nearly Friday. I was due on the set in six hours time, but I knew I wouldn�t be going. There was no way I�d be leaving the hotel room until Billy was awake.
But I didn�t have the energy or presence of mind to call anyone. I didn�t want Billy�s hospital roomed crammed with a sea of faces. I wanted it to be him and me.
I wanted so desperately to be able to stay awake, to sit beside Billy, but I felt my eyelids grow heavy, weighing down, until I finally gave in and closed them�just for a minute.
+|+
A minute turned into a few hours, and I was woken by the ringing of my mobile in my pocket.
�What?� I demanded into the receiver, irritated by being woken, and depressed because of where I was.
�Hey Dom!�
I frowned. �Lay off the happiness, Elijah. I�m not in the mood.�
Elijah just laughed. �Did you forget that we were working today?�
�Not coming,� I said noncommittally.
�What?�
�Not coming,� I repeated. I slipped my hand into Billy�s. �Neither is Bill.�
�Lemme guess,� Elijah began. �You two are recovering from post-coital bliss, right?�
I clenched my jaw. �Elijah, tell Pete that Billy and I won�t be back to work for a few weeks.�
�What?� Elijah demanded. �What the hell is going on?�
�Something�s happened, Lij,� I said. �Just please, tell Pete��
�No. Not until you tell me what�s happened. Are you ok? Is Bill?�
I could feel my throat closing up, and tears forming in the corners of my eyes. �Elijah, I�ll call you later.�
With that, I ended the call and shut off my phone, shoving it into my pocket.
+|+
�I thought you might be hungry.�
I sat up and looked at Dr Tethers. �Don�t you have a home to go to?�
She smiled. �I�m off-duty now. Just thought you�d like something to eat.� She set a tray down on a table next to me. The smell of coffee invaded my nostrils.
�Thank you.�
�You�re welcome,� she said softly. �Have the nurses come around?�
I nodded and took a sip of the hot coffee. �Yeah, but they barely talk to me. Won�t tell me what�s going on.�
�Honestly,� Dr Tether began. �Not much is going on. Your friend isn�t responding yet.�
�Oh.�
�We�re going to do some more tests, look into the reason for his lack of response a bit more. Its just time to play the waiting game now, I�m afraid.�
�You know, I�m not leaving him.�
�I figured as much,� Dr Tethers said. �But please, if you�re going to stay, at least sleep in the spare bed. It�s much more comfortable.�
I shrugged.
�Goodbye,� she said softly and exited the room.
Once she was gone, I got up out of my chair and hobbled over to the spare bed, wheeling it back over to Billy�s side of the room.
I moved my chair, the bedside dresser and the curtain out of the way and pushed my bed right up against Billy�s.
I slid in between the sheets and wriggled over, so I could reach out and take Billy�s hand.
I just laid there, holding his hand, lost in my sadness. I would start to cry, then I would realise that I had no tears left.
�I need you to be ok,� I choked out softly as the sun peeked through the blinds. �I need you to be ok because I don�t think I can go on by myself.� I pulled Billy�s hand onto my bed and kissed it softly. �I don�t think I can live without you, Bills. I can�t live without this hand, this arm, your heart�please God, don�t leave me��
I let out a sob into the silent room and pressed my eyes shut.
�Please don�t leave me�I�m in love with you.�
+|+
My head was throbbing when I woke up next. It pounded so strong and so hard I thought it would explode.
Then I realised I was lying on Billy�s cell phone and it was vibrating.
�Hello?�
�Dom?�
�Orlando?�
�Yeah.�
I sniffed and tried to sit up, my hand still wrapped in Billy�s.
�What�s going on, mate? Elijah�s really worried about you.�
I shrugged, as if Orlando could see my reply. �Nothing.�
He scoffed. �Come on mate, you didn�t show up for work this morning, you�re not at home, your mobile�s off�what�s going on? Where�s Billy?�
�He�s here,� I said, running a thumb over his hand.
�Well can I talk to him?�
�When he wakes up you can.�
There was a pause. Orlando was thinking. �Are you at his place?�
�No.�
�Then where are you?�
I took a deep breath. �At the hospital.�
�What? Why?�
�Billy was�he was�in a car accident. Last night. It�s my fault.�
�Whoa, whoa�hang on,� Orlando demanded. �Bill was in a car accident? Is he ok? Why is it your fault?�
�He-he was getting chips and then the light went green and the drunk man hit the car on the door of the driver and there�s blood and his Wellington key ring is here, and he�s so beat up and his hands�Oh God��
I didn�t realise I was crying until I began to sob.
�Dom slow down�� Orlando said. �I need you to tell me where you are��
��and his wallet had the receipt and it was my fault, because we always get chips, but we shouldn�t have gotten chips! It should be me!�
Orlando sighed. �Man, come on�none of it is your fault.�
�Yes it is!� I shouted. �It�s all my fault because of the chips!�
�Look, are you at Wellington hospital?�
�Yeah�I don�t know��
�We�ll be right there.�
�NO!� I shouted suddenly. �Only you, Orlando. I don�t want heaps of people here. They�ll blame me because of the chips��
�Ok mate, calm down�� Orlando said something to someone in the background. �Only I�ll come, ok? It�ll just be me��
�Ok��
I turned the phone off and shoved it under my pillow.
I was a mess.
Billy was a mess.
He was going to die and it was all my fault.
+|+
�Hey Dom��
I looked up as Orlando came into the room, and I saw him inhale sharply as his eyes fell on Billy.
�Hi Orlando,� I greeted, my voice emotionless.
Orlando came towards our beds, and hoisted himself up on the end of mine. �What�s going on, Dom?�
I frowned. �Can�t you see? I hurt Billy.�
�Have you had any sleep, man? Something to eat? What�s with your ankle?�
�I can�t sleep. I�ve eaten a little, and I cut my ankle on some glass.�
Orlando inched up the bed a little, and flinched as his leg bumped Billy�s suspended cast.
�Is he gonna be ok?�
I shrugged. �He�s not really there, you know? It�s like his body is here but everything else has sort of�floated away.�
Orlando grasped my hand that was intertwined with Billy�s. �I�m so sorry Dom.�
My breath hitched in my throat. �I�m the one that needs to be sorry.�
He shook his head. �No Dom�you don�t need to be sorry. You didn�t do this.�
�I love him Orlando.�
�I know you do.�
I looked over at him. Noticed that he had a little bit of glue from his wig stuck on his hairline, just in front of his left ear. He was wearing jeans and a black turtleneck, and his eyes were full of sorrow and confusion. He was leaning forward, his hair falling in his face.
�What do you mean, you know?�
He smiled, only slightly. �We all know how you feel Dom. We all knew before you did.�
My bottom lip quivered. �I love him so much and now I�m going to lose him because I wanted fucking chips.�
�I can�t pretend I know what you�re talking about, mate, but I can understand your pain.�
�How?� I demanded.
�When my mate Tell broke his legs when we went rock climbing a few years back, I blamed myself, because I was supposed to be spotting him as he scaled down the wall. He�s paralysed from the waist down now, and I blamed myself everyday, because if I had been paying more attention, or if I had been the one to scale first, maybe he wouldn�t have fallen.�
I squeezed Orlando�s hand. �That wasn�t your fault.�
�I know that now,� he said. �But I never told anyone about it, I never wanted other people to think I had caused his fall.�
�Then why are you telling me?�
Orlando swallowed. �Because I trust you, man. And you need to see that this isn�t your fault.�
A tear rolled down my cheek. �But if I had just gotten the chips, or if I had told him to get something different��
Orlando shook his head. �No, Dom. You can�t do this to yourself. What happened to Billy sucks, yes. But you didn�t cause it.�
�How did you get over blaming yourself about your friend?�
�Tell told me that he didn�t blame me and he felt bad that I was blaming myself. He said if he had to assign blame, he�d blame himself.�
�Orlando, I can�t lose him.�
�Then you tell him that,� he said. �You stay here, hold his hand, and make sure he knows that he�s got something to wake up to.�
I sighed and brought Billy�s lifeless hand to my lips and kissed softly. �Thanks, man.�
Orlando let go of my hand and climbed off the bed. �I gotta go but Dom call me please, man. We�re all really worried about you and Bill.�
I nodded.
I listened to his boots walk out of the room and the door close behind him. I could hear hushed voices outside the room and then I heard them drift away.
�Orlando came to see you Bill. He says hello.� I rubbed at my eyes. �Everyone is worried�I�m worried too, Bill. I�m so worried that you�re gonna go and I�m not gonna have a chance to tell you how I feel. I don�t want you to go Billy. You can�t leave because then I�ll be alone, I�ll be without my Pippin.�
My voice trembled. �Why did this have to happen to make me realise how I feel? Why, Billy? Why couldn�t I have admitted how I felt before? But now you�re hurt, and you�re so quiet and so still, and I�m so scared that you might not wake up, and I don�t know how to describe the way that makes me feel. It�s like I�m being torn in half. You have to wake up, Bill. You have to. Because living a life without you isn�t living a life at all.�
I clutched his hand tightly. �Billy you gotta wake up��
Billy�s fingers twitched in response.
