�Fuck,� he mouths, and all the trappings of illness bear down on him. He reaches up to the patch behind his ear and yes, it�s still there, so what the hell is going on?
This morning, Billy neglects to hum because his throat burns something fierce. He freshens up and takes a shower so hot it leaves pink patches of skin all over him, but he falls asleep under the spray anyway, sitting on the floor of the tub and resting his head against the cool tiles. Since he vomits again after that, he figures he can remove the patch. It sticks to his fingers stubbornly until he twists it and folds it and adheres it to the inside of the bin.
He throws on some sweatpants and a tee-shirt, then walks into the main cabin. He has to pause a moment, leaning against the wall, before he can pad the rest of the way over to Dom�s (Billy�s) bed. There, in the light of the eight AM sun from the glass balcony door, Billy drops his head onto the pillow and remembers: Dom�s diary is still there, isn�t it.
Billy wonders if he will ever regret this.
It�s a handmade book with a leather cover, and Billy thinks he could have made one just like it. There are only five signatures and the paper looks recycled; they�ve even embedded extra leaves and thin stems into it. The pages don�t fall open to any particular spot, they just fan out like bristles, and Billy can see that Dom�s only filled the first quarter or so. Billy turns on his side, facing away from Dom and Elijah, and curls up around the diary.
�Alright,� says a random page near the beginning. �There was a second date with Allie. I am sad. Why am I sad? Probably because he is not here. If he were here, he would be so happy that she went out with him again and he would bounce off the walls and be ridiculously contagious with joy and I would be unable to produce sad emotions because he just rubs off on me that way. Is it weird? Am I repressing when I do that? How many people in the world are in this situation, and can I meet them please?
�That girl who lives across from me is cute. She also has a boyfriend, who is probably also cute.
�Fuck, thats it. I�m telling Elijah at the next available opportunity that I am practically in love with him. Billy. Haha, no, NOT in love with Elijah. Heres what I will say (youve got to plan stuff like this, as its a big deal):
�I am practically in love with Billy. I have been so for years. He does not feel the same about me, as you may have noticed. (pause for comments and/or effect) Its not like I do everything I do BECAUSE I like him. Its not like I hug him BECAUSE I like him, and its not like I�m going to do a movie with him BECAUSE I like him. Its because he is my best friend (or is Elijah the best friend? To be decided) and I can actually repress my feelings for him a lot of the time, which may not be the healthiest thing to do, but what other option do I have? Also, I always have it in the back of my mind that we will get together someday in the very distant future. (Elijah will agree.) Whenever I imagine my future, Billys always there. Its kind of an unconscious thing, I dont even try. He is just there, and I couldn�t picture it any other way because really, GOD, do you know how fucking hard it would be to find somebody else like him who I am telepathic with and who is so fucking funny and�
�Yeah, so generally, this is what I will say to Elijah. Tomorrow.
�I wonder if I will be in love with him for the rest of my life.�
Billy, smiling, puts the diary away carefully. He is well aware that this entry is from ages ago, when he first started dating Allie, but the ending seems hopeful enough. He rolls onto his back and strains around the feverish ache in his eye sockets to see that Elijah and Dom are both still cluelessly dozing, and Billy closes his eyes, letting the pitch of the ship rock him sweetly back to sleep.
Billy dreams about kissing Dom.
~
The next few times Billy drifts out of sleep, he doesn�t quite reach full consciousness. It isn�t until around sunset that he wakes up, opens his eyes and wonders where everyone has gone. When he sits up, he�s careful, and he smiles for two reasons: one, he doesn�t vomit, and two, he remembers Dom�s diary.
A little later, after brushing his teeth and inspecting the room service options, he decides to explore the ship a trifle and hopefully wind up in a food-filled area. His movements are still very lethargic and his skin is hypersensitive, but he pulls on a sweater and ignores this and all the other things that have gone wrong inside him.
Before Billy leaves the cabin, he checks under the pillow and finds that Dom�s diary is gone.
~
Billy can�t remember having such an intense urge to cry and a subsequently conflicting pride that won�t let him do so. He�s sitting on some stairs in the middle of the ship, clutching the rail-post next to him with whitened knuckles. He isn�t sure if he�s going to vomit, but he can�t stand up, he doesn�t have his mobile (not that it would work anyway), he doesn�t have his key card (even though it should be ready by now) and he is perfectly lost.
He can�t stand up. He tries so hard, but his knees are so weak and he has no sense of balance and all he would succeed in doing is taking a tumble down the last eight or so stairs. The stairs are carpeted because everything seems to be carpeted; Billy has long since memorized the garish pattern and the feel of the fuzz under him, and he honestly can�t say how long he�s been sitting here because he�s been fending off sleep the entire time.
Repeatedly, he has tried asking passers-by for help, but he quickly discovered his voice is buried under layers of virus. He figures somebody will realize he needs help eventually. His eyes are watering. (His chin is crumpling.) He is alone.
Billy can�t stand up.
Billy can�t. Fucking. Stand. Up.
�Billy!� shouts Orlando.
And Billy could cry with relief. It�s all four of them at once, coming up the stairs, bringing their merriment with them. Billy laughs, though he thinks it might be hard to recognize it as such for its silence.
Orlando sits next to him and Viggo looms; Elijah stands in front and Dom hangs back, halfway behind the railing. �Are you feeling better?� Orlando asks, and from his facial expression alone, Billy knows that Orlando has been paying him visits during his slumber.
Billy shrugs and smiles, because what else can he do?
�Why did you leave the cabin?� Elijah asks. �You look like shit, Billy.�
It�s too bad Billy can�t talk, because he�s forced to flip Elijah the bird (yet Billy smiles, regardless).
Viggo�s turn: �We got some girls� numbers for you, since you couldn�t yourself. Not phone numbers, I mean cabin numbers.�
Billy nods with gratitude, but it hurts quite a bit so he stills himself abruptly and holds his forehead.
And then there is Dom, wedging himself in good and close, exploding with life and gestures. �Bill, I think I�m in love.�
Billy wishes Dom were talking about him.
~
Orlando and Elijah take Billy back to the cabin with care and explicit tales about Dom, who has opted to romp around the ship some more with Viggo. Apparently Dom has met �the girl of his dreams.�
Since they haven�t finished telling Billy all there is to know about her, Elijah and Orlando prop Billy up on some pillows and sit on the bed with him, one on either side, throwing a wadded up washcloth to each other over Billy�s knees. Billy is happier than he�d like to admit that they�re staying to chat. Something inside him is slippery and stretched, but it�s easy to ignore, especially with company. It�s why he doesn�t say something like �go off and have your fun without me, you rascals.� That, and he can�t speak.
�So Katie,� Elijah starts, �Is actually��
�Her name is Kathy,� Orlando frowns.
�No, it�s Katie.�
�Oh, but like, every American girl is named Katie. How boring for Dom.�
Billy agrees silently: Dom will be sick of her by midnight.
Elijah�s pride in America�though he�s always tried to downplay it�surfaces. �I like the name Katie! I dated a Katie. My sister�s friend is named Katie. You could be a Katie, if you were a girl.�
To which Orlando responds: �You could be a Nancy if you were a man.�
Elijah unfolds the washcloth and throws it in a rather complicated-looking way so that it covers Orlando�s face. �Anyway, Billy, Katie�s a riot. She�s from Miami and Dom met her at our hotel. She�s a comedian, and she�s doing a show in a few nights in one of the lounges. Which one is it?�
�The big one,� Orlando says, and he has slid on a pair of sunglasses over the washcloth and mashed part of it inside his mouth. Billy�s heart swells with love for this tragically senseless yet stubbornly British man, and were he not worried about spreading his disease, he would certainly hug Orlando. As it is, all Billy can do is laugh quietly in appreciation.
�The big one. Right.� Elijah�s eyebrows twist up into that position they seem to fall into for at least half of his waking hours every day, and he looks at Billy, points to Orlando and whispers behind his hand, �He hasn�t even started drinking yet.�
Promptly Orlando strips the washcloth off, flinging his shades into the air to land on Billy�s feet. The washcloth is then directed at Elijah�s face with some force, and Orlando turns to Billy to say, �Dom seems really serious about Kathy. It�s sort of freaky.�
�Yeah,� Elijah counters, �but Dom�s been weird about dating lately.�
Billy perks his ears (as if they needed perking).
�How so?�
With a shrug, Elijah resumes the game of catch and consequently keeps his eyes on the washcloth as he speaks. �I don�t know. Can�t put my finger on it, you know? I mean, there�s the��
Orlando nods.
�But there�s something else that I don�t think he�s going to tell me about.�
Billy wishes he could scream. All he can do is grab a pillow and toss it at Elijah.
Who shrugs innocently, and actually tells Billy, �Sworn to secrecy. Sorry.�
Billy then looks to Orlando, who avoids eye contact by inspecting the washcloth.
Billy wonders why Dom isn�t sitting here with them, and when did any of them ever keep secrets from each other like girls, and when had Elijah and Dom become the best of friends?
~
Hours later, while Billy listens to Dom jabber away, he finds that he feels a horrible guilt for having read the diary passage. It was a stupid thing to do, of course, and Billy feels that it�s hard to act as though he hadn�t looked, and really, truth be told, he feels like Dom just knows that Billy has done it. The icing on the cake, though, is the way Billy feels so insecure that he had to go and snoop, because when is Billy ever insecure? He feels like a girl just thinking it. He also feels like a complete bastard.
He also is still attracted to Dom.
Billy knows this because of the way Dom�s eyes feel when they look at him, and the way Billy�s skin feels when Dom touches it, and the way that all the contents of Billy�s ribcage have shriveled up and died like bugs under the magnifying glass in the face of �Katie� the wonder girl, who Dom has so thoughtfully brought to meet Billy at eleven at night when Billy would much rather be sleeping than being trampled to a bloody pulp from the inside out.
Billy wonders if �attracted� is really the right word in regards to Dom.
His self-pity is aided by the fact that as far as he can tell, there is absolutely nothing wrong with Katie, and Dom has every reason to fall desperately in love with her.
Billy wonders if this is what Dom felt like when he started dating Allie. Billy thinks he�s about ready to jump ship.
�So I was visiting my parents a few months ago�� Dom starts.
�Are they still together?� asks Katie.
�Yeah, yeah, and if I were a good boy I could tell you how long they�ve been married. Prolly like, one-hundred and twenty-three years.�
Katie laughs (Katie doesn�t giggle), and Billy is not in the least bit interested in watching Dom and Katie have a conversation in front of him while ignoring him entirely. It continues anyway, and Katie says, �Are you ever gonna get married?�
�Katie, don�t you think it�s a little early in our relationship for such talk?�
She grins her sparkling American pop-star grin (which, by the by, makes Billy want to vomit) and then Dom�s own smile slips away in place of a more serious look, and he tucks his long un-Dom-like hair behind his ear, and says, �Are you ever getting married?�
This also makes Billy want to vomit.
�Why don�t you just propose, already, Dommie?� She sticks her tongue out cutely and winks at Dom. Billy wants to think she�s too skinny, but she has a small roll of fat in her stomach when she sits cross-legged like that. He wants to think she�s wearing too much make-up, but he can�t tell how much make-up she�s wearing in the first place. He wants to consider her outfit ugly, but he can�t because it�s very becoming on her and honestly, it�s as though Dom were her fashion consultant.
But then: Billy wonders if Dom is only pretending to be interested in her just to get a rise out of Billy. Because Elijah knew something strange was going on.
