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| MAN KNOWN AS "FRUITBAT" IN SUICIDE MYSTERY |
| A BOISTEROUS joker sat at home in shame yesterday when it was revealed that jibes he made at local engineering student Kevin Robins, known as "Fruitbat", may have led to Robins' suicide later that same week. Rhys "Egon" Jones, known for his biting humour and sarcastic comebacks, belittled Kevin during a lunch time get together. When Kevin decided he could eat no more food after packing away a shoulder of lamb earlier in the day, Egon is said to have shouted at Robins "What's the matter, Kev... eyes bigger than your stomach??" Rhys then implied that Robins' eyes literally were bigger than his stomach and everybody had a laugh at Kevin's expense. Whilst Kevin is known for taking jokes at his expense in good humour, it is believed that he sobbed himself to sleep that night. |
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| Two days later, Kevin climbed to the roof of his house in full school unform and clutched his head in tears. Eyewitnesses claim he was screaming "why me? why me? why, why, why why?" very loudly indeed. Attempts to coax Robins down failed, and police even recruited the services of rap star and bad actor Will Smith of The Fresh Prince Of Bel Air "fame" to try to negotiate reason with Fruitbat, to no avail. HOPELESS It was unclear whether Robins was refusing to come down, or whether he simply couldn't hear officer-in-charge, Sgt. Victor Forbuoys. Unfortunately, Forbuoys had forgotten to bring his megaphone, and couldn't really be bothered going back to the station to get it. Eventually it was decided that the exercise was a "hopeless" one and that the officers had better go back to the station "in case of a proper emergency". |
| It was not long afterwards that Kevin jumped, plummeting to his death on the cold, hard concrete, just another victim of a cold, hard world. However, a new twist in the tale emerged last night when local cowboy Eugene Hatton declared that he had seen another, second figure walking around on Kevin's roof that afternoon. A male, of about 6ft, about 13-14stone, with a fabulous windswept quiff carrying a Transformers comic book and driving a Renault Clio at about 100mph was spotted arriving near Kevin's house earlier that morning, and eyewitness Hatton claims to have even seen him on the roof that day. Did Kevin jump... or was he pushed? MOURNING Bereaved pal Damien Lavis last night paid tribute to the late Robins by decapitating him and toasting a round of drinks to his head. A devastated Damien has been in mourning since Robins' death and has taken to carrying the head around with him as a souvenir of their friendship. Meanwhile, investigations continue into the identity of the roof dwelling madman who may have pushed Kevin Robins to his fatal death. |