| (1/12)Coach Drews Defeated by Self Testicle Exam (But doesn't have cancer) |
| By Hal Speedmaster Daily Staff Writer In a recent response to nothing in particular, area coaches have been subjected to Self Testicle Examinations, to be administered in the shower. Players were urged to participate as well, though not with the coaches. Up to this point, thankfully, every coach has passed their tests with 'flying colors' but not necessarily 'rainbow colors, but sometimes necessarily. Anyway, Coach Drews attempted the test in a recent rare showering and ran into some trouble. "Man, that test was fucking hard," Drews said. Drews difficulties came after completing step three. "After I got done with one ball, the directions said to flip the thing over (below), but then it had me touching my breasts, which I don't think have anything to do with testicular cancer." Drews added, "But I'm no doctor, so I could be wrong. Everything felt pretty good though." Drews, claiming he was confused, called for help, but no one responded. Coach Sam heard him yelling but pretended he didn't. "Do you realize what would have happened if I went in there and helped him?" Said Sam. "He just won the most ambiguously Homosexual Coach Award, and that means ANYTHING could have happened." Sam then cracked a smile, presumably pondering what could have happened. After calling the Searle Health Center, listed conveniently on the top of this page, Drews was able to receive the guidance his fingers needed. "They helped me figure out where my Epididymis was, then I took over. My exam was very comprehensive, but I still passed, eventually." |
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| Above: Drews said this direction threw him off because it sent him to the other side of the card (Bottom) which instructed him to examine his breasts. He thought the picture was of a woman, but then reconsidered, remembering that his breasts look that way under certain lighting conditions. Just to be sure, he examined his breasts and was surprised at how much firmer they have become since he has been working out. DAILY FILE PHOTO |
| Far Left: Coach Drews in action, trying to play his home field advantage. MATT COZZA/DAILY 1835 |