easter

    Jesus Christ - the son of God, after being betrayed by his friend, was tortured, humiliated and crucified by Roman authorities. Wearing a crown of thorns, he was mercilessly beaten and forced to carry a giant cross. Four-inch spikes were then pounded through his wrists and feet, and a sword was plunged into his side. He was left to slowly die. Three days later he rose from the dead. Every year, Christians around the world celebrate this event by painting eggs and eating little chocolate bunnies.
     This story seemed puzzling to me so I spent some time investigating it. According to the Bible, his father told Jesus that he would be killed for the sins of others. That doesn't seem fair. If God was mad, couldn't he have just settled for spanking Jesus or sending him to his room without dinner? When I was a bad boy, my father would spank me frequently. In fact, I became so accustomed to being struck on the buttocks with an open hand or a boat oar that these days I have my friend from downtown, Tanya, spank me when I do something wrong.
     Due to God's irrational line of thinking I must call into question his parenting skills. What kind of father has his son executed? This sort of behavior is hardly expected from the creator of Heaven and Earth. If God were to pull a stunt like this today, he would likely be reported to the Department of Children and Families and Jesus would be removed from the home. God would probably be brought up on charges of reckless endangerment or attempted murder.
     Maybe God just needed some counseling or perhaps anger-management class. I frankly don't think He has very good "people skills." He is quick-temoered, prone to violent outbursts, and may be a pyromaniac. Plainly, Jesus' father has some serious psychological issues. He's not exactly a candidate for "Father of the Year."
     Perhaps God was abused as a child, although that sort of throws a hefty wrench into the theory that He was the first entity ever. Maybe He just doesn't want to talk about it. But having His son whacked isn't the first time God's made a questionable judgement. Remember when He instructed Noah to build a big boat? God decided He wanted to destroy the world with a great deluge because there was too much violence. How's that for rational thought? And let's not forget that when Noah was contracted to make the Ark, he was 600 years old! My daddy is 72 and we do not let him near his power tools anymore. As a result, he is always running around the house yelling, "Jesus H. Christ, where is my bandsaw?"
     While I would thoroughly enjoy seeing God and His son booked on the Jerry Springer Show to work this all out, it's not what the celebration of Easter is about. Easter is about Jesus' resurrection. I have always been a fan of magic tricks - and boy, this one is a doozy. I have tried for years to figure out how Jesus was able to rise from the dead, because I thought it might be a good trick to try at parties. Since I am a shy person this would be a good way to break the ice and meet people. I actually tried it at the birthday party of my cousin Ethan last year. He was 8 years old and the hired entertainmnet, Kinko the Clown, was late. So to keep the kids amused, I tried to kill myself anf then rise from the dead. I thought I had succeeded, but it turned out I didn't die - I was just unconscious. I guess there is a small difference. Even though I failed, I am certain that a professional like David Copperfield could do it. In fact, I would like very much to see David Copperfield nailed to a cross in the middle of Times Square and die agonizingly slow, only to rise from the dead three days later in Central Park! He is always looking for new "illusions" and I think this would be a good one. Then we could all celebrate by chewing on a chocolate bunny head.
                          - Kenneth Snipps, the Hartford Advocate