A Unifying Theory
I have been working on a theory that seeks to connect certain mysteries of the universe and explain them with a single, incredibly brilliant, unifying principle. I know that people like Stephen Hawking have been working on such a theory for years, but they have been focusing on the wrong phenomena. Positron annihilation, dark matter, and black holes are just not concrete enough for meaningful study.
What I have been considering is where that one missing sock from the dryer goes, how car keys left on the dresser disappear and resurface in the pocket of a jacket you haven't worn since puke-green was fashionable (Keep saving that jacket; it'll come back), and how your car door gets dinged up sitting in your garage.
These issues have gained importance due to the sheer volume of people who have tried unsuccessfully to solve them for untold years. But they all lacked sufficient openness of mind to grasp the elegant, yet simple, explanation for all these things, and as it turns out, much more. In a word, its gnomes. Yes! Gnomes! I'll bet you are slapping your foreheads and saying, "Of course! I should have thought of that!" Indeed you should have, but be grateful that there are still those of us with sufficiently unfettered minds to reach out boldly to new horizons. Specifically, I am referring to me.
After postulating this ground-breaking hypothesis, I have spent months hiding in the rafters and making observations. I noticed right away that there were no dust bunnies up there. I would later discover the significance of this, and what a fortuitous choice of location I had made.
After many long days and nights without sleep in the seemingly empty house, I spotted them. Creeping out of the ventilation ducts, out from under the floorboards, and emerging from closets, they came. Gnomes. Dozens of them. The first action they took was to go over to a book I had left open on the coffee table. Giggling, the gnome I soon discovered was the leader, or alpha-gnome, flipped two pages ahead. So that's why every time I return to a book it seems like I've missed a few pages!
Next, four or five of them scampered to the dryer I had left with a load in it, and crawled inside. It was an hour before they would emerge, covered head to toe in lint, holding a single sock. They played some sort of odd game with it, running all over the house in the process, leaving vast numbers of dust bunnies behind them. I realized then that dust bunnies are what might be considered "gnome-droppings," and I knew that I was safe up in the rafters.
The other gnomes, meanwhile, sped about the house retrieving random objects and diving under the sofa cushions. They emerged some time later empty-handed, and covered in lint. More dust bunnies were spread.
Next, the alpha-gnome called everyone to order, and passed out small chisels and hammers. The gnomes spent the next hour dashing about putting tiny nicks in all the furniture. Some of them went out to the garage, and I heard the unmistakable "clink" of a car door being dinged. Damned, dirty gnomes!
Meanwhile, the leader's special duty seemed to be keys. He first played a lengthy game wherein he switched the order of the keys on each ring, then shuffled the rings from hook to hook. Finally, he took my primary key ring and tossed it on the floor in the back of a closet. He seemed to take great pride in his work.
Soon it was time to go, and one by one the gnomes slipped back into the ducting and beneath the floor boards. There they wait, hopefully too preoccupied with their mischief-making to plot the downfall of humanity.
So I herald the dawn of a new era. Humankind now has the opportunity to reach out to a strange new life form, one that can perhaps help us better ourselves. But I also give this warning: The gnomes are out there, and now we know about them. But are they friendly? Only time will tell.
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