The Birds
Have you ever noticed a crow watching you, and wondered what he was up to? Well, I'll tell you. He is studying you, in preparation for when crows take over the world. This is a serious threat, as crows are the most advanced species on earth.
I'm serious! For example, I'm cleaning the oven. No one anywhere in sight. Suddenly a crow appears in a nearby tree, watching me. I put down the SOS pad and look out the window. He has disappeared. It is immediately obvious to me that crows can become invisible at will, so I start keeping an eye out for them. Sure enough, all the trees are empty, when suddenly a crow is there, plotting. Then he's gone and no one sees him come or go, because he is invisible.
Crows are also very smart. Try to shoot one sometime. I dare you. As soon as the thought crosses your mind to go get your gun, there will be no crows in sight. They have vanished. You cannot fool them easily, either. At the family camp in the Adirondacks, I once snuck up on them before they could make themselves invisible. As soon as they saw the rifle I carried, they flew away. (They won't dematerialize while someone is watching them.) So I went inside and waited. The rest of the family left, but the crows did not return. Finally, I left too, and I saw them returning in the rear view mirror. So they can count too! I found out that they tended to lose track with numbers greater than three, but then, who doesn't? Clever birds.
My brother had a similar experience at college. The crows gathered in the tree outside every morning at 4:00 a.m. to plot. Their noisy chatter kept waking him up, so he bought an air rifle. The next morning, he opened the window and stuck out the rifle. The crows scattered before he got a shot off, and they never came back.
So I began to wonder how they knew about guns. If a crow had been shot at one time, in some place, crows witnessing the event would learn to avoid guns. But their network of contacts would have to be limited to the surrounding area, so how would Boston crows find out about events in New York? The answer is simple: telepathy. All crows are linked telepathically, so any information gathered by one crow is instantaneously transmitted to all the others. Don't scoff. Haven't you noticed how one crow arrives at a fresh road kill alone, and then suddenly dozens begin to arrive? It's telepathy, I tell you.
The day after Halloween, I spotted a crow swooping out from the neighbors' front stoop. He had a good-sized hunk of pumpkin in his beak. In minutes, I began seeing the crows drifting in, perching in the trees, watching. It was eerie. And I'll bet the neighbors came home and said, "Wow, first the kids smash pumpkins on the day before Halloween, and now they do it the day after,too." Poor benighted fools. It was the crows. I saw only the first one swoop in, but I'm sure the others did too. They were just invisible at the time.
They're sitting out there now, watching me. Waiting. Plotting. They know how to attack us. We taught them, on the set of Hitchcock's movie, "The Birds," where specially trained stunt crows were used in the attack scenes. It has been telepathically passed on. They'll be coming soon.
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