The Noodle Conspiracy
How many of you out there have ever been to a noodle factory? If you have, I'll bet they wouldn't let you inside. This is because there is a vast conspiracy in the noodle manufacturing sector to delude us as to the true origin of the noodle. There are two types of noodle, the Italian pasta variety and the oriental noodle; and their origins are very different.
Behind the scenes at a pasta "factory" there are daily deliveries of flour, yeast, eggs and other so-called ingredients. However, every night the unopened crates are shipped quietly out the back door so they can be re-delivered the next morning. This is done because the Italians know that pasta would never have caught on in the rest of the world if we were told what it really is.
The ugly truth is that "pasta" is an Italian word for a special species of worm. Originally hunted to near extinction by starving peasants shortly after the fall of the Roman Empire, the pasta worms were quickly domesticated and raised on large ranches on Sicily and Sardinia. They were cross-bred to produce distinct strains commonly recognizable by thickness and length, and known far and wide only by their Italian names: spaghetti, linguini, fettucini, and tortellini.
Even though the French had enjoyed great success openly marketing snails under the brand name escargot, the Italians realized this was due only to shrewd public relations. The French had already convinced everyone that French cooking was marvelous and French cuisine very chic, so there were plenty of snobs willing to eat any disgusting thing so long as it was French, even snails.
The Italians wisely wished to cater to a broader market, and therefore felt it prudent not to offer a translation for pasta. Since the largest pasta ranches were on Sicily, I don't have to tell you who was running the campaign for pasta consumption, so it is no wonder it was so successful. The few Webster's etymologists who insisted on investigating the derivation of the word pasta simply "disappeared."
Oriental noodles, by contrast, are vegetable in origin. Deep in the Asian jungles there are vast noodle fields which grow at an alarming rate. The opium poppy does very well in noodle fields, so long as the noodles are reaped daily, and it was noodle harvesters who originally discovered opium as a way to keep their spirits up on their dreary job.
Noodles were introduced to the West at about the same time as opium and since then the trades have gone hand in hand, controlled by cruel warlords. Enjoying the low overhead of slave labor, these warlords use their noodle empires to launder their drug profits, a trick the Sicilian pasta dons have since adopted.
The well-known ruthlessness of the criminal organizations which compose the noodle cartel has so far prevented anyone from discussing this evil conspiracy to defraud the digestive organs of the world. But I am not afraid to defy them. Take heed oriental noodle-lovers--you are eating grass! A warning, pasta consumers--you are eating worms! Help put an end to the dominance of the noodle cartel in supermarket aisles. Boycott noodles today.
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