Up in Smoke
Cleaning up the environment is a popular hobby these days. Even the government has been trying to get industry to clean up its act, but Congress hasn't had much success. (Can you say "bought and paid for?") So I thought I would submit my own modest proposal.
I have noticed that the owners of the most heavily polluting factories don't live anywhere near them. Not that this especially matters, since these plants have been thoughtfully shipping their pollutants to "clean" places like Maine for years. In most cases the prevailing winds are involved in this conspiracy, so I will let the lobbyists handle this problem. There always seems to be a lot of hot air and wind around them, so they should be ideally suited for the task.
At any rate, the plant owners are fond of talking about how their factories' toxic emissions are within legal limits, but they have no concept of what it's like to live with those emissions. Thus, I propose that a special residence be built atop the smoke-stack of every factory. The owners and board members will be required to live there for at least two consecutive years. After that, they will either be carried out and the residence taken over by the new owner and board, or they will suddenly favor emission reductions. Now that's my idea of an incentive program!
Similarly, those industries that dump waste products into rivers and oceans should be required to pipe the effluent directly to the owner's house. For one year the owner must drink and bathe in nothing but this water. We will either become very short of owners, or there will be lots of rich people walking around with an extra nose. The downside is that they may consider this a good thing and begin trying to market their own special brand of bottled "water."
Certainly these are drastic measures, but no more so than requiring all Americans to drive "non-polluting" cars whose maximum speed is 25 mph downhill and which seat three comfortably, if the three happen to be eight-year-olds. Short eight-year-olds. Didn't we used to call these "kiddie cars" back when they cost twenty dollars instead of $21,000?
Besides, no one has had much trouble with the crackdown on smokers. It hasn't had much effect on smokers though, because despite all the cancer statistics, everyone knows at least one 80-year-old who has smoked nine packs a day all his life. I admit these people exist, and I think they should be the only ones who are allowed to smoke.
To accomplish this, smokers should be required to get a license just like a driver's license. To get one, they must pass a simple test: Take a deep drag on a cigarette and don't exhale for six months. Those who pass the test clearly do not require oxygen for survival and can probably smoke without fear. Those who breathe out after only a month or so will fail the test, but they will qualify to be immediately hired to work in the nuclear industry. Not all of those who do not exhale will pass the test mind you, but that can be chalked up to a little gene pool cleansing.
No matter what the regulations are, there will always be a few scofflaws. Therefore, we need a fitting punishment that will deter others from doing the same things. I thought about requiring such lawbreakers to volunteer for Department of Energy radiation exposure tests, but that's not horrible enough. They should be locked in a room with industry lobbyists for a week. Unfortunately, the Supreme Court would probably strike down such a penalty as cruel and unusual punishment.
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